Hi,
I find it extremely hard to talk to people about this problem; these few paragraphs will no doubt take me hours to write. I feel like there are too many instantaneous judgements and associations made with gambling that make it difficult for people to understand what's really going on. I personally look down on people who have gambling problems, seeing them almost like puppets and I don't want anyone I know to look at me like that (albeit too late). I'm extremely self-conscious of how other people see me and I genuinely fear the thought of my parents finding out about this, they have very narrow views on gambling and would see me as a complete disappointment. I feel like a victim in this problem, I feel like this problem that has developed is a mental illness and once it's in your head, escape is very difficult.
First a bit about me: I'm a final year university student surrounded by very good friends, family and an even more amazing girlfriend. I have a good education and a bright future ahead of me. Almost everyone I know sees me as a kind, caring and somewhat responsible person. This may not be the case anymore however as I’ve essentially 'relapsed' for the 2nd time now.
Now a bit of back story: I've been playing online poker for about 7 years, for which probably 5 out of 7 of those years, I have been profitable. Poker is a very different game to many of the others discussed on this website, simply put: there is an element of guaranteed success ensuring a long-term control over your money and of course having an 'edge' in the game. I have or I should rather say, had a lot of pride in my ability to gamble responsibly, to 'outsmart' the rest of the field of players. Somewhere along the line, I lost control over my money.
I think my personality plays a big part of my problem. I feel like the majority of the time, I’m quite a clever, logical thinker and I want to be the best that I can be. I am very systematic and I only chose to play poker because I understood that there is an 'edge' in the game that you can take advantage of. And for a long time, I did take advantage of it, I made significant amounts of money over a long period of time; it wasn't a fluke. This excited me a lot, poker became a very fond hobby of mine and I strived to get better.
However, the bottom line is that I lost control and 'borrowed' (essentially stole) money to play and lost it. Before the person who I took the money from found out, the money was replaced by my girlfriend. I had to tell her everything because I had no-one else to turn to. Obviously I shouldn't have even hidden it from her in the first place but I believe problem gambling is a mental illness and it forces you to look past any consequences or repercussions. She told me that if it ever happened again, she would leave me and I promised her that I wouldn't let it happen again. And it didn't for a few years but then it happened again and this time it was even worse. Somehow she gave me another chance and bailed me out and told me this time she meant it; that if I did anything again, I was on my own. After this incident, I suffered from depression and I lost all sense of pride and self-importance. I felt like a completely broken person and tried to turn my life around and concentrate on my studies. However I felt a lasting destructive effect from my 'relapse', I was living off money from my girlfriend and it destroyed me mentally. The fact that I had put myself in such a terrible situation, let my girlfriend down, let myself down and had no money was just too much for me to handle. I felt like I couldn't live like this for the unforeseeable future so I tried to win some back, I tried to play sensibly again. It worked for a few months but the lasting pressure of debt broke me again, I found ways to deposit money without actually having it and here I am now. I'm now in even more debt and I don't know what to do. If I tell my girlfriend, she will leave me. If I tell my family, they will hate me and forever be disappointed in me. I don't know anyone that can help me but one thing is for sure, I have a problem and I want to stop it. I think making this post here is a step in right direction and shows that I want help. After the first time that I 'relapsed', I still wanted to try and make some of it back or at least provide some sort of an income to live on so that I didn't have to ask my girlfriend for any more. This time around I feel different, I feel like this has now gone so unbelievably far that it just cannot continue in my life anymore. I'm ready to abandon this once-hobby, now-problem once and for all.
So now I’m stuck, I don’t know who to turn to. The most terrifying thing in the world to me is actually losing and disappointing my girlfriend; she deserves somebody a lot better than me but she loves me so much. I too love her more than anything. I want to tell her but I can’t bear to lose her. I feel like if I tell her, she won’t try to help me or understand how bad a place I am in, she will just be shocked and disgusted that I’ve done it again and, rightfully so. I have debt to pay up by the end of the week that I don’t have and can’t attain. I’m at an all-time low.
There are a lot more intricate details to this story of how I’ve wronged and the extremes to how I lost control of my life but I’ve tried to keep this a bit short.
Thank you for reading
Hi Clafoutis. Firstly well done on your post. We are all here for the same reason and you will receive lots of help and support.
I have also stooped to lengths I would never dream of. Stealing money and having it replaced by family, borrowing money I couldn't repay. And constantly cleaning myself out and leaving myself with nothing.
We seem to forget the feeling of losing very quickly and doing it again and agaiN.
Things feel desperate right now and you can't see any way out. But calm down, think logically. How many times have u gambled and lost? Panicked. Borrowed money or done without? At those times u always think "I can't admit I have a problem". You gamble again at the first opportunity. You lose then think, "if I hadn't gambled again actually things wudnt have been that bad". My point is that other than continuing to gamble there is ALWAYS a way out.
The fear of people finding out about our addiction Is terrifying I know. But people close to you NEED to Know. Both tO help you recover and also so that u can make arrangements to pay back loved ones anything that you owe over time. We put ourselves under pressure to repay money we borrowed with the hope of a win. This isn't going to happen and if u r like me and have no access to credit,.then you need to be honest and tell whoever u owe that you can't afford a lump sum. You need to make an affordable repayment plan and also do the same with any of your creditors. You will be in a better position to.stop gambling when ur finances are in order. Debt is awful, but it's not the end of the WorlD. Your girlfriend will no doubt be disappointed but I'll bet she already knows the signs. Honesty is always the best policy. Ask her to Control ur finances and put blocks on all.computers so that u can't gamble. Ban yourself from any casinos and most importantly look to your future not your past. U can't change ur mistakes but u can prevent them reoccurring. Good luck and keep in touch with your journey x.
Hi clafoutis and welcome to the Forum,
Part of a sentence stood out to me in your post. "I don't know who to turn to"
You mention mental illness. It may be you are now very depressed. It may be worth talking to your GP about how you are feeling. He/she may refer you for some form of counselling and or drug therapy.
You are obviously fed up to back teeth with your gambling lifestyle so I feel you should contact Gamcare and enquire about free counselling. You may also consider going to your local GA meetings.
If you live with your girlfriend pretty soon she'll cotton on anyway because you'll start to receive phone calls. texts and letters etc from your creditors. Even if you don't live with her as jw says she may have already seen the signs from your behaviour.
I know how it must feel about the situation with your parents. You love them, they love you and it may well be awful for them if they found out about your situation. However putting it blunty we are not ultimately put on this earth to please our parents. When I was young they had to put up with some right s**t from me but guess what ? They were not total paragons of virtue themselves in some respects. s**t happens and they should be old enough and wise enough to take it and cut you some slack. It may be a shock to them at first when you reveal what's happened but they won't love you any less. They'll get over it.
Your girlfriends reaction may be slightly more tricky. You know exactly where your relationship stands right now. If you have to tell her give her proof of your good intentions (GP/Gamcare/GA). Give her your finances to look after (asJW said). This may go a long way to softening the blow.
Your creditors will just have to take a reduced payment each mont. Riing Stepchange or National Debtline for advice there.
I may have some other thoughts I will post later on because I'm tied to time at the moment.
Take Care Now.
Hi again clafoutis,
When you state you lost control it sounds to me as though there were other external pressures building up. This is apart from from your gambling losses and the resultant debt. I know you do mention depression and what I meant by "very depressed" is actual clinical depression.
Another thought entered my head and it was about your parents and your reluctance to tell them. Is it that they have been financing you to a certain extent and they think the cash was spent on other things, when in fact it went on gambling ? This is just athought I've had.
What jw says is true about CG's forgeting about losses very quickly and repeating the pattern over and over. Chasing losses is an absolute nightmare as CG's find out sooner rather than later. You have been caught up in that vicious spiral and I know to my cost both mentally, physically and financially, it's not very nice.
On reading your post (very well composed) it's as plain as the nose on your face that you need good professional help and you need it ASAP. DON'T DELAY.
Others may post advice on here for you as well. In the meantime take care and i wish you well.
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