Ive spent 12 years of hell living with a gambling addiction. In and out of recovery...but I always end up back gambling!
Often ask myself whether I enjoy the pain... The nights of despair as I spent money I couldn't afford to have lost...Chase the dragon on one last deposit to get back to even which turns into two or three deposits...sometimes more.
The wins ive had but never cashed out because I always wanted more because I felt it was a "hot" session of slot play.
Waking up early on payday just to play slots as soon as I got paid. Or even worse one time staking my whole wage and losing it all.
Wishing that I'd never discovered gambling because for sure if I could do it all again...I certainly wouldn't be gambling ever again.
I find it interesting some people tell you the addiction is lack of self control and too an extent this is right. But the deep down urge to play can be very overpowering and once you get started the fun is over and stopping becomes hard.
All I want is for this addiction to not exist. Not torment me because right now im feeling low and not wanting to gamble but it won't be long till the other end of the spectrum arrives.
For me I consider gambling an illness. Something I can never cure and never do again. But with 12 years of my gambling life passed...will it go away.
Years and years of shameful, dangerous gambling and ive achieved nothing. The only saving grace is ive helped others to stop but yet cannot do it myself and I can't understand why.
Hi
The recovery program helps me understand that I was not stupid bad evil or wrong I was just emotionally vulnerable.
By sticking with the recovery program helps me understand that I woudl in time abstain from gambling and only then would healing come in to play.
The addictions was just shwing that I could not cope with my feelings and my emotions that drove me back to my addictions.
The helthy like minded people in the recovery program helped me understand that every time I went gambling I just made things in my life much worse.
I like many people found it very diffaicult to hand over all my finances as I viewed money as a control issue.
So I kept going to meetings because people encouraged me to stay.
What is weird people even clapped at me when I told them I had gambled once more.
We understand it takes a lot of strength to admit to our self and others and talk about our last emotional trigger.
I use to think that b sticking with the recovery program it would get so much easier.
Not for me the longer I was in the metings more questions came out than answers.
Just for today only I do not want or need to gamble.
I will deal with tomorrow when it gets here.
Just for today only I do not want or need to smoke.
Just for today only I do not want or need to get drunk.
Just for today only I want and need to heal my pains..
People question me when I say I have been in recovery since 1969.
Why go to meetings if I have not gambled today.
For me to gamble is a very unhealthy thing to do.
Every one else on this planet can gamble that is their choice.
For me to gamble is a very painful unhealthy thing and is self destructive to do that to my self.
My wording has changed from bad good right or wrong to what is healthy and what is unhealthy
What ever happens in your life please stick with your recovery.
By me going to meetings I have so much healthier choices in my life today.
One of the reasons I walked in to the recovery was about money lost.
The reasons I walked in to the recovery today is about becoming the healthiest person I can be today
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Thank you Dave. Thats very helpful.
I have been put off by GA as I don't think a group discussion would benefit me...but that being said I didn't think Gamban would help me either and its done its job well.
Im taking it day by day and thankful for each day im not playing. Im on my 4th day now and I actually feel good!
@arw5533 Hi. You say that you have spent years in and out of recovery but then find yourself back gambling. Could you explain what recovery is to you.
Also, how old are you and are you in the U.K.?
Chris.
Ive spent 12 years of hell living with a gambling addiction. In and out of recovery...but I always end up back gambling!
Often ask myself whether I enjoy the pain... The nights of despair as I spent money I couldn't afford to have lost...Chase the dragon on one last deposit to get back to even which turns into two or three deposits...sometimes more.
The wins ive had but never cashed out because I always wanted more because I felt it was a "hot" session of slot play.
Waking up early on payday just to play slots as soon as I got paid. Or even worse one time staking my whole wage and losing it all.
Wishing that I'd never discovered gambling because for sure if I could do it all again...I certainly wouldn't be gambling ever again.
I find it interesting some people tell you the addiction is lack of self control and too an extent this is right. But the deep down urge to play can be very overpowering and once you get started the fun is over and stopping becomes hard.
All I want is for this addiction to not exist. Not torment me because right now im feeling low and not wanting to gamble but it won't be long till the other end of the spectrum arrives.
For me I consider gambling an illness. Something I can never cure and never do again. But with 12 years of my gambling life passed...will it go away.
Years and years of shameful, dangerous gambling and ive achieved nothing. The only saving grace is ive helped others to stop but yet cannot do it myself and I can't understand why.
Put yourself in the position of those you have helped to stop. Do the same for yourself 🙂
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