Good afternoon, I ama compulsive gambler, I am now 31 and have been gambling since 15, it started out at only a few quid daily and at around 20 reached losses of all my wages every week, week in week out until I was 26, then I hit what I thought and regard as rock bottom, I stole around 11k from family members over a period of time and lost it all along with my wages over this period, I just could not stop, although always knowing in the back of my mind I had a problem I gave it no thought to the day when I realised what id done. I broke down and attempted suicide. Following this life was very bleak, at the time I confessed to my girlfriend (ex now) about the act and my problem, she then urged me to get help and come clean. And so I did, the days that followed were tricky, urges were frequent, however I began attending a GA meeting weekly and eventually managed to go 2 years with no bets. Around 11 months ago I crumbled again from no-where, I depostied £25 and then got caught in a whirlwind of gambling over 4 weeks, blowing over £6000. I then saught help again realising that this addiction still held power over me. I had become complacent. I then managed a further 8 months clean, with the help of GA again and a councellor. Until the start of the december just gone, I slipped, since then I have not been able to stop thinking about gambling and have tried several times to stop.
My last bet was Sunday evening just gone and I have not placed a bet since, however as I write this I have opened an account (not placed a bet yet) and keep checking the racing form and picking horses out with the view to back them any minute. I don't want to gamble but something in my mind is saying just today it's okay. It's sooo hard to fight this urge right now as I don't want to gamble but feel helpless to it's draw, I want to beat this demon forever! Any help would be super as I really need something to pull me through today 🙁
Only my second post so hope it reads okay Guys and Gals!
Hi..what a heartbreaking read.
Glad you've managed to use GA successfully in the past but a shame you've slipped away from the programme.
2 years is a great achievement so you know how it works - is the problem going back and admitting a slip and instead the illnes takes a progressive hold?
I truly wish you all the best in the batle ahead.
It's been a journey and one i'd like to bring to a steady end, however it's come back to sledge hammer me twice now, I'm determined not to buckle today and I am so happy you replied Garyle, just reading a response has made me feel less alone and given me strength to be determined to win today. Thank you
Yes I miss a few meetings and then it turns to weeks, and a s with both relapses, after a time not going to GA I become complacement.... I'm going back next Wednesday 100%, im hoping I can last till then with no bets. I'm so scared I don't have the strength and the most recent relapse has got me real down... I know the strength a community gives when quitting and i'm determined to log in on this site everyday until next wednesday. I feel such a failure right now and can't beelive I've gone back to what caused so many of the people I love so much pain for the last 15 years.... to make the situation worse I have a baby due in May and life has been good. I have not got myself into any debt this time around, but I fear if I don't stop now It's going to end in the gutter, jail or the cematary! Thank you so much for your words... it really does help in this tiresome battle!
Try not to isolate yourself - it's what the illness wants. You can chose not to be alone though...stay active on here and get those barriers in place.
Wednesday is a long time away pal...are there any other meetings you can get to to set the ball rolling?
Not really, it seems like an age away. Im selling my smart phone tonight so that will get a barrier up and also transfering all my money over to my girlfriend in the next hour which will hopefully take away the ability to easily gamble. Meetings are something that I can become complacent with, however always after a relapse I realise how key they are to keep my head above water so to speak! Just determined to take each hour as it comes and try and stay busy!
afternoon hello 1986 , be strong buddy ill be checking up on u , its such a hard habit to break and to stop , im ion the grip of its powers playing tricks with my head then f***** me
suppose i re lapse is the braining blanking out how bad u feel after a binge and heavy losses but soon as ur out comes down like a ton of bricks or severe numbness , joe
Hi there, you are having a real tough time. Have you no family members you can hand finances over to that will help break the triangle. you done so well stopping for two years and eight months beforehand those are great achievements. Keep posting and keep reading diaries, put all the blocks in place that you possibly can. Join the live chat room every night on here between 8-9pm see if that helps you. I wish you well on this difficult recovery. -wcid x
Morning, I managed to get through yesterday without a bet, however I crumbled first thing this morning and bet £65 just now. I feel awful about it and don't know what happened, I felt so strong late yesterday but now feel like a failure! I don't know what to do. I met my girlfriend of just over 8 months when I was free of gambling, I dare not tell her as life is getting on top for her and she suffers from depression and is pregnant, I feel awful about not being honest with her but also don't want to tip her over the edge.
I now have no access to my card as I have just cut it up, I get a small allowance left in my bank each week as of last week and the rest I transfer to her. I feel such a mug for crumbling today. I am trying to make light of it so I don't dwell on it too much but it's hard! Looking forward to the GA meeting Wednesday, but worried about the time between now and then :-o!
Instantly when I lost the £65 this mornign I have been looking for other ways to get money. Lol the silly thing is I depoistited it to bet on horses this afternoon, within 2 minutes I was on a roulette wheel and another three minutes and it's gone. It's not a great deal of money I know but it's the fact I crumbled again and alothough i've done 2 years without a bet I can't seem to control it and stop again during this relapse :-(! The feeling that I will fail at somepoint spurs me in a silly way to gamble, as I think 'whats the point I will gamble again anyway, it may as well be today' it's a terrible cycle and I feel really lost right now :-(!
Just shredded my card, deleted my email address, deleted Paypal account and transfered the last of my money over to my girlfriends account. Installed software K9 to block gambling sites on work computer and smashed smart phone in car park to prevent access. Still feeling low about gambling again this morning...Some of the strongest urges I've ever had over the last couple of days. Must battle through though! I must! tried getting in touch with my old couselor again who helped me this time last year, hoping to speak to him on the phone today. Think i've been neive thinking i can beat this alone. Need my GA meetings again and daily check ins with this site! Thanks for reading guys and thanks to those who's said a few words... It's all helping me to draw some strength at a tough tough time!
Hi hello1986
Only joined the website today, and posted one post so far.. sorry to see you had a tough start to the day but I was told something that is worth remembering.. 'The only way to win in gambling is by not gambling'.. One way or other you stopped your access, and from now onwards you can no longer lose! Be strong buddy you are not alone in this journey!
Thanks ABC123, good luck with your recovery. I think the key is to always remember yet not dwell on the fact we are comulsive gamblers. It's tough at the minute. I'm trying to kill time at work which seems to be keeping my mind free from urges. How is your recovery going so far, it would be great to hear?
I like that one 'the only way to win in gambling is by not gambling' never a true'er word spoken. The problem is beleiving that beyond the 'Addiction Voice' when the urges come. I know the more I will say no the stronger I will become at battling the urges...need to get a good week under my belt I think
I haven't made much through the recovery yet.. Decided to stop it all as of this morning, but I am committed and will organise appointments for professional help. I think my problem is greediness and trying to recover the losses which is never possible to happen.. Gonna send a big chunk of my salary to my savings account as direct debit now every month which means I will have to physically go to the bank to get the money moved back to my debit.. I guess it will be another preventative measure!
Saying no is not easy at all but seems like people recovered so why cant we! weekend is round the corner, lets enjoy the free things in life 🙂
Yeah I love that thought, enjoying the things 'normal' people do I suppose. I'm hoping to fill my time, take some stuff to the tip, play football and spend some time with my family. The real stuff I supose. Like you say it's difficult letting losses go, thats kinda my problem, that plus bordom I think. Best of luck staying free of betting this weekend, hopefully catch you on here tomorrow or Monday all being well. Keep it going...every minute we don't gamble for is something to be proud of I suppose. Knowing we are not alone in our problem also means that we're not alone in our recovery! Best of luck Mate will bethinking of you
Hello Hello.
Just a quick one..
Firstly you need to stop beating yourself, the gambling has been doing that to you long enough. I do go along and get ' be kind to you '.
There's also a gamcare help/phone line on here, it's a good to talk. Secondly, all of this forum is good but there seems to be more responses on the diary section, hop over there and join the crew..
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