what the f**k is wrong with me????

Hi Molehill

I know that you previously used to support a lot of people on here and that you stopped gambling for a long time before. I can also appreciate that you are looking to understand on a deeper level why you do this and not just 'paper over the cracks' with triangle type stuff. I remember when I was travelling in Australia (worse place in world for slots), phoning up some gamcare equivalent to seek help to understand why I was doing this and being told just to leave my card at home. I was angry at what I thought was such a useless suggestion that I didn't seek any further help for about 9 years. I thought at the time clearly no one can help.

I've stopped for quite a while now and am only now really focussing in on what is 'wrong with me'. I was fairly sure gambling was an escape mechanism, but from what? Well with me I have identified that I have a form of social anxiety. I came to this after doing quite a bit of research online. This was having knockon effects to my confidence and self-esteem and I would question whether I'm 'normal' or depressed.

I'm now tacckling this with an excellent CBT self-help book. I've vowed that if this doesn't work then I'm straight off to a pscyh to get somone else to help me. It's been a huge relief figuring out my problem. So I would strongly recommend being honest with yourself in trying to explore why you gamble. I think for most it's escape, but what from? There's a lot of c**P on the internet but there's also a lot of info which can eventually help you if you are willing.

I hope you are feeling better and wish you all the best.

Stop the Fobts is a campaign to try & erradicate these machines. I personally have never seen an addict who continues to hold onto their anger & resentments at others have long term success. Recovery is hard enough itself without wasting emotional energy on fueling your rage at how others choose to behave

Thanks guys, your responses are so great and genuine that I logged on to say to thank you for taking the time.

I'm delighted to say I'm still gamble free since my meltdown. (But I guard against taking any comfort from this, as I've been 5 years gamble free at my best - all it takes is a few drinks, a few life-bad-beats, a little relaxed arrogant cockyness and then BOOM - sucked straight back in!)

Cardhue - thanks so much for your post, it really connects with me. You hit the nail straight on the head - Social anxiety is 100% why I gamble. I'm only starting to realise this now after years of looking for more powerful reasons. I've suffered from panic attacks since 2003 and because I was (relatively) successful in my career I saw it as a sign of weakness. I lost my job in 2006 and once my redundancy money ran out I saw gambling as a short cut to maintain my social image. I thought if only I had X amount of money then I could step into any room/party and feel confident. Money isn't the answer though. Give me a million and I'd still find an excuse to gamble or feel anxious!

There's such a stigma around mental illness - so much so that I can't even admit it to myself. No one wants to feel "weak" or "mad" in themselves, or worse with the judgement that comes from others who don't understand and try to make themselves feel better by shouting and pointing at those who are suffering in an attempt to deflect attention. "If I'm taking the P**s and getting angry about it then it means I can't be like that, etc"

I love writing, spent years trying to be a screenplay writer, failed. My writing heroes are people like Bukowski, Kerouac, Miller, Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, Hemmingway - all hard drinking, drug taking, gambling alpha males. I thought if I did what they did enough times then I'd become like them!

What's really funny though is if you read any insightful biography on any of the above, they either committed suicide or died broken and empty husks! It's the same with gambling - it gives a good show - promises everything and who wouldn't want to be feeling like Danny Ocean flipping a silver dollar with a $2000 h****r hanging from your arm? But it's all b******P! The reality is a sad little bloke on job-seekers-allowance, hunched over a laptop with his electricty about to run out and the only thing hanging from his arm is a housing benefit form stained with baked beans!

The really successful person lives in reality not in the dream world. I've noticed in myself that I get a buzz from fighting my urges and exercising, fulfilling small goals - even stupid goals like doing the washing-up or cleaning my apartment - there is a genuine small buzz in that - but gambling takes all that away in the massive brain-fry-buzz it gives. To quote another of my favourite authors Anais Nin "Unnatural pleasures kill the desire and appreciation of natural pleasures".

Gambling is as unnatural as it gets.

Keep strong and thank you for reaching out to me when it mattered.

Best,

Mx

Great to hear from you again molehill. Hope things are beginning to look up

Hi Molehill

Delighted that my post helped. If as you say you think you might be socially anxious I would really recommend doing something about it. It's early days but I've got really into this book and it appears to be having a fairly instant positive effect.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Social-Anxiety-Shyness-Gillian/dp/1849010005

I've just written about what I've been doing in my diary, but it's very much a task orientated book which I think you might like. There are many possible manifestations of social anxiety which do not apply to me - in some ways I'm confident for example public speaking's never phased me - I was recently thrown into a roundtable discussion with QCs and professors which was well received - well out of my depth but did well. I don't blush and I wouldn't say I'm shy. On the other hand I can get really self-conscious if I'm in an informal setting with people I don't feel secure with, which is basically most people. I can fall into the trap of thinking of 'what to say' in advance of a social situation, or conduct pretty brutal 'post mortems' about how I performed.

I guess it is a 'mental health' problem - who gives a s**t. Once you've identified it then it's fixable, that's the main thing

All the best - love your writing style by the way

thanks cardhue, I've just ordered the book and am looking forward to reading it.

@klamm - Hey, we've all got that self-destruct button - it sits big, red and angry like a zit on my forehead waiting for me to face-palm the minute I let my guard down.

What's your story, (if you feel comfortable sharing)?

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a killer, I agree. We expect something "bad" to happen then we do everything in our power consciously, (usually unconsciously) to make it happen, etc.

M