I'd love to know if anybody is similar to me, because In my mind I seem to have two different gambling personas..
The first one is what I believe it the common gambling addiction, the urges, the inability to stop, the one that makes you hyperfocus so badly and are adamant that a "big win" is gonna happen.
I can't seem to knock this off, It's like my heart wants to ignore but my head wants to go ahead and play..
This is usually the kind of gambling that I used to feel content doing, it's kinda what I wanted to do, but then when I started that's when I became out of control and couldn't stop until there was nothing left. When I hit rock bottom I would feel so angry with myself and it would send me into a massive rage and I would feel so much hatred towards myself.
Now the second one, this is the one that effects me the most - the only way I can really describe it is as the "self harming one".
I go into this head first with NO hope what so ever that I am going to win, I do it to cause myself distress, I do it to hurt myself,
because I feel like I deserve it. I kinda think "I've lost so much I might as well lose it all"
And then when its all gone and its all over I cry and cry and cry and hate on myself more than ever.
I am expecting people to comment saying that I am stupid for doing that, but let me tell you that the self harming thing is just as difficult to control as the first one for me personally.
I am also expecting some not good responses to this.
But I just want to hear other peoples problems, if anybody relates to this,
Please if you are going to leave a negative comment, don't be too harsh if possible, as I am feeling very fragile today,
Thanks for reading
I look forward to some responses and hope that It will give me a better understanding
It's all part & parcel of addiction Kirsty...The 2 are intertwined. Gambling is largely a crutch, an escape from real life if you will & when we fight one type of feeling, the other one comes along in it's place to ensure that the outcome occurs.
I don't know enough about it to really comment but facing your fears & getting to the root of your problems with a good counsellor should help you find other, more healthy ways to manage your stress & may help make sense of the 'madness'.
Hi Kirsty, I'm exactly the same as you! It's like reading about myself!! I play online slots and will play a ridiculous high stake knowing I'm not going to win! But yet I do it anyway!!! And I carry on like this till it's all gone!! I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm going to feel awful after but I can't stop! It's like self sabotage!!! I agree that there's 2 types, the buzz of the win etc, and then there's playing just to lose! It's horrible x
I think oddat hit the nail on the head.
Kirsty You've probably just described every person on this site. And it's what makes us different from the regular gambler.
We've all gambled with the intention of say only having x amount. But that's how it gets us once we've lost said amount we'll chuck anything we can lay our hands on until fund's dry up.
Hence the saying we can't win because we can't stop.
I'd say 90 percent of the time I gambled I was up at some point and then 90 percent of the time I'd walk away with nothing that's because the wins meant nothing It just meant I could play longer. It's similar to drugs once you're up and high it's about keeping the buzz going for as long as possible. Sooner or later you crash back down and that's when you realise the damage you've done.
Best wishes
Was wondering how you were getting on. Pleased to see you posting today.
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