10th April 2014 - The beginning of a gambling free life

Hi pw - Well done on resolving to kick this dreadful blight, and for being positive about strategies for repaying your debts.

A question: what have you done to put barriers between you and temptation? Have you self-excluded, either from online sites or from betting shops? Also install a blocking program such as K9 (free).

Visiting this site regularly, keeping a Diary as you have mentioned, and reading other people's stories will help you keep strong.

You can do it!

Joanna

Thanks, Joanna. I have excluded myself from a number of online sites. That hasn't been much good to me so far because it's to easy to sign up to others. I have just installed K9 which seems to work well.

Feeling more positive today and been getting on with work.

I've been thinking about my triggers and how to be better prepared at times when I am vulnerable.

I've been beating myself up about my decisions to keep depositing money. I keep going back to points where I had broken even or was only a little bit down and wondering why on earth I chose to continue. What I've come to realise is that it was that first decision I made to gamble which caused the problem and I should not be too hard on myself for my actions after that. The loss of control was a result of this decision and it was on the cards once the decision was made.

There hasn't been one occasion where gambling hasn't resulted in a complete clear out of my funds and this has happened more times than I care to remember. This is a problem I need to resolve rather than punish myself.

Another positive is the loss I have experienced is forcing me to make a real change. If I had stopped before it got out of hand I would not be here doing anything about it. I wouldn't have spoken to my friend yesterday about it and it would still be bottled up inside me, waiting to pounce again.

P

Day 2...

Has turned into day 1 again. I am completely ashamed to admit that I gambled again yesterday. Having just started a thread with the title 'the start of a gambling free life', this is pretty embarrassing. However, I feel I must be completely honest.

The trigger was receiving my weekly pay from my second job. I'd had a pretty productive morning and the thought of recouping some of my recent losses began to dominate my thinking.

Having installed the K9 software, I logged into my account and changed the settings to allow myself access to gambling sites.

After buying a few things I needed and booking cinema tickets I had a little bit left over which I put into my betting account. Things went well for me and I won a significant amount. Nothing near my recent loss but enough to make a small dent. Satisfied with what I had won I withdrew the money, shut down my computer and walked away. During the evening I couldn't take my mind off it. I had a mixture of emotions and thoughts. I was somewhat happy and relived for making some money back. I was scared that a part of me wanted push my luck and try and win more with that money. It was a confusing mixture of wanting to gamble and wanting to stop. I knew that money would make life easier this month but I was still plagued by thoughts of my recent overall loss.

After the cinema I needed to pop home to grab my phone charger as I was staying with my girlfriend. On the drive back I made the decision to have a few rounds on black jack. I reversed my withdrawn funds and lost the lot in about 15 minuets.

All this has done is reinforced the fact that I can't win because I can't stop (something I saw on another thread). If I leave my gambling session after a win - I will always go back. I cannot control myself. Chasing my losses is pointless because I have no control. I will always play until I have nothing left.

Having spent this morning stewing over last night I am slowly coming to terms with it. If I hadn't have lost last night there will still be a part of me that thinks I could still win. I may not have tried today, tomorrow or next week - but that win would be somewhere at the back of my mind ready to convince me to go again when I had the funds.

Thanks to last night, that part of me has gone. Today I have closed and excluded myself from sites I've been using.

P

Hello pw,

Well done for self-excluding and installing a filter; these are practical actions that have helped many. Also you've started a diary, and you're looking into using GA, and counselling with ARA. Doing these things demonstrates your willingness to work on your recovery and to use support.

You've been honest about your lapse and reflected on it. Learning from your lapses can help to strengthen your recovery methods; you've identified the trigger -receiving your weekly pay... are there any ways to reduce the impact of this trigger? Some people allow trusted loved ones to supervise or help manage their spending. You also changed the settings of the software; could you allow someone else to set the password so you aren't able to change the settings? On reflecting on the experience you've come to the view that the lapse was an example of how you don't win with gambling, so perhaps this can be used to help your motivation for recovery.

Take care,

Adam.

Hi pw, your story is very similar to mine and I'm sure very similar to many peoples.

I to found that all I could think of was when

I could gamble next and even after a win big or small I would always end up giving it back to them in some way, i haven't gambled now for 18 days, I no it's not long but I feel so much better for it, I'm sleeping better and a lot happier in general and all I have done is focused my energy into other things, mainly the gym.

I find having a little target to achieve ie losing wieght getting fit or any other hobbie helps massively. First days of not gambling were the hardest but when I got an urge I came straight on here to look through a couple of diarys/threads and found it worked, hope u make it through today, stay strong pal. Best win I had was when I didn't bet.