I've put that particular name for the title of my diary simply because every time I update it, I can remind myself of this particular moment....
I'm sat in my car in town, having just put £200 into a FOBT!
Money that I have, but only as a result of somebody borrowing me that money because they thought I had other outstanding bills to pay.
I feel terrible about everything. I don't want any sympathy, but neither do I want berating further. I'm down enough as it is.
I really want to kick this habit into touch. No good is coming from it and everything just seems a blur.
I think far more clearly when I'm not gambling.
I was going to wait a few days/weeks to post on here to accumulate some gamble free days, but then realised that I need the support and comfort of people on here.
I realise this has to stop sooner rather than later.
It's long been a problem in my life. I used to be able to gamble for pleasure. But something switched in my head about 5 years ago that made me start gambling for wins rather than entertainment. I really wish I could control my gambling becase when I could, I used to love it. Saturdays used to be so much fun.
But those 'Saturdays' have been every day (at least when I've been gambling...) and it's not fun anymore.
The time has come to STOP!
I have to make sure I make time every day to log onto here to update not only my diary but others too (once I'm in a position to start offering advice).
I want to make it to 100 days and beyond. My best is 34 days. Big challenge ahead but I'm going to give it everything.
Help and advice is always much appreciated. Thank you.
Moorey - A compulsive gambler.
What steps do you intend to take to deal with your addiction?
Best wishes
The first step I've made is to permanently close the online betting account that I used.
Over the next couple of days I intend to tell somebody close to me about the last few months betting activity. I feel as though I need to tell somebody so that they can keep asking me how I'm getting on etc and to feel proud of myself when I tell them that I'm still not gambling....
That's what has been holding me back, I think. Or part of the reason.
It's also boredom and habit!
I've been able to stop myself today, when I've got another £600 that I could have used, so I know that I've got some element of self control. If only a small amount....
That's what I shall do for the time being....
It may not seem like a lot to you, but I have to tackle this with baby steps. I feel that telling somebody close to me will stop the bleeding and then once that's done, I can make further changes.
The shops don't bother me at the moment in terms of needing to self exclude. I'm generally not a big fan of using them. If I feel tempted by them, that's when I shall act upon it.
Sounds like a plan so well done. Will also throw in conselling and/or GA as a thought.
Best wishes
I'll see how I progress before considering those options.
Thanks for your support Bal.
To make up for that 'Saturday sport' feeling that I'll be missing out on, I've subscribed to the Fantasy Football Premier League (free of charge) to give me something to focus on and be excited about at the weekend. Plus lots of people I know are involved so it'll be good to keep an eye on that for entertainment.
I know some people will view that as dangerous territory but I think I'll be fine. Boredom (in my life) is a big reason why I gamble.
Financial pressure doesn't come into it. That's what frustrates me even more! I lose a lot of money when I really didn't need to.
I gain nothing when I win because the money doesn't really make me any better off in terms of wealth or happiness....
It would be interesting to know how many of you would class this as gambling, even though it's free of charge....
Honest answers are appreciated.
I also love cricket and I want to do a fantasy cricket team in the Telegraph for the start of next season in April.
It just gives me something to focus on and get the competitiveness and 'buzz' without parting with a single penny....
Hi there :)).
My downfall was alway's the fobt's but it's nearly 2 yrs sinc I went near one .
Your right in what you say about boredom being a big factor in going back to your old way's it alway's was for me , I work some wierd hours ( self emloyed ) and running off to the bookies fitted in perfectly with the spare time I had , so I think it's important that you fill your time as much as possible with new hobbies and adventures :))
Good on you for having the courage to open up to someone as well , we all need support on this journey and it also makes it difficult for gambling to keep hiding away as it's no longer just yourself your answerable to :)).
Wishing you well my friend :))
Sorry just seen your other question ....................??
I don't know if I'd think of it as gambling as such but that being said " If it's keeping your mind involved with the competiveness we associate with gambling , I'd kinda steer clear of it myself , even if it is free " , It took me many moons before I'd even watch a horse race on tv if I'm honest but now even that's lost it's appeal :)).
ALAN 135 wrote:
Sorry just seen your other question ....................??
I don't know if I'd think of it as gambling as such but that being said " If it's keeping your mind involved with the competiveness we associate with gambling , I'd kinda steer clear of it myself , even if it is free " , It took me many moons before I'd even watch a horse race on tv if I'm honest but now even that's lost it's appeal :)).
I totally get what you're saying Alan, and you could be right.
That said, everybody's triggers and motives are different when it comes to gambling. If I was money driven, then I'd be telling myself to stay WELL clear of anything, even Fantasy football....
But I don't consider myself to be money driven. Nor do I consider myself to be materially driven.
I've subscribed to it and selected my team etc but if I start to feel that urge to go back to the bookies/online etc then I'll tackle it straight on and know that I can't even do the Fantasy Football.
FYI, I think most people will agree with you Alan...
The main thing is i need somebody else in my life to know about my gambling so that they can quiz me on it constantly.
I'm a terrible liar and have such a conscience. I just wouldn't be able to lie! People would be shocked at my antics, given my mild, loving and gentle personality towards others. My gambling is totally against my generally personality.
Hi Moorey
What's your deadline for telling someone? - overestimate if needed but it would be good for us (gamcare community) to give you space to do that and then check in on how it went for you - without hassling you in the meantime. I personally couldn't recommend that as a big small step enough - it's very hard to actually do but can be critical.
Why only one though - why not tell everyone around you? (rhetorical)
Fantasy Football - I do get that but the games are inundated with adverts - nearly always gambling related BUT fantasy football is certainly a better alternative than a £1 bet.
Just seen your last post - telling someone so they quiz you won't work. this is your addiction, for you to own and tackle. It is not for you to put onto someone else and expect them to keep you in check - I'm sure that's not what you meant but it's how I read it. For the record I used to think I was a terrible liar too - Pretty sure I was at somepoint.
Aside from FF what else would you like to fill your time with?
You seem to dismiss some of the support mechanisms quite quickly - you probably won't do this alone successfully so why not use the professional help that is out there?
Best wishes with the next steps, I look forward to reading about your 'confession' and seeing you reach 100 days - as a starting point.
Compulsive Gambler wrote:
Hi Moorey
What's your deadline for telling someone? - overestimate if needed but it would be good for us (gamcare community) to give you space to do that and then check in on how it went for you - without hassling you in the meantime. I personally couldn't recommend that as a big small step enough - it's very hard to actually do but can be critical.
Why only one though - why not tell everyone around you? (rhetorical)
Fantasy Football - I do get that but the games are inundated with adverts - nearly always gambling related BUT fantasy football is certainly a better alternative than a £1 bet.
Just seen your last post - telling someone so they quiz you won't work. this is your addiction, for you to own and tackle. It is not for you to put onto someone else and expect them to keep you in check - I'm sure that's not what you meant but it's how I read it. For the record I used to think I was a terrible liar too - Pretty sure I was at somepoint.
Aside from FF what else would you like to fill your time with?
You seem to dismiss some of the support mechanisms quite quickly - you probably won't do this alone successfully so why not use the professional help that is out there?
Best wishes with the next steps, I look forward to reading about your 'confession' and seeing you reach 100 days - as a starting point.
Hi Compulsive Gambler,
Thanks for your reply.
I think having somebody who I can totally trust and who I love with all my heart will help massively at this stage for me to break the cycle. It'll give me something to focus on - making sure I don't let that person down.
I think you've misinterpreted my message. I don't want to put the emphasis on somebody else to make me quit. I want to be able to stand in front of someone and when asked, are you still gambling? Or where have you been? Etc.... for me to proudly say 'No, I haven't gambled!'. They are very awkward questions to fend off when you have been gambling. I've NEVER had anyone question me about my gambling because nobody knows that I've even a £1, let alone hundreds and thousands over the years!
I've not felt that pressure from anyone. It's all been done in secret.
As for a time-frame. I really couldn't tell you. I'd like to have clocked up a few days gamble free before I say anything. Just to give myself something to feel positive about.
It's not going to be easy. I've never done anything like this before. It's going to come as a massive shock. I don't know how people will take it.
I'm still in shock myself to be honest.
I'm desperately hoping that these feelings subside in the next few days. I've not done any real financial damage to myself but I just imagine what I could have used the money on to treat myself.
I'll look to get back into running and watching films. Also socialising more friends.
By the end of August 2017 then?
I get what you mean about being more positive, the trouble is as a compulsive gambler, as the intiial depression passes and we feel more positive, we often fool oursleves into thinking maybe we don't need to confess after all...
Compulsive Gambler wrote:
By the end of August 2017 then?
I get what you mean about being more positive, the trouble is as a compulsive gambler, as the intiial depression passes and we feel more positive, we often fool oursleves into thinking maybe we don't need to confess after all...
Possibly by the end of August, yes.
I'm just need to let the dust settle on what I have done today and give myself some reflection time.
If I go into my 'confession' with a significant period of time gamble free under my belt, then it'll hopefully minimise any damage that I may cause to my loved ones. I need to prove that I am deadly serious about my challenge of abstaining from gambling and that I have some willpower.
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