1st steps

what a fantastic diary. i dont know how ive missed it until now! your mum left me a really nice message yesterday, you are a very lucky man my friend.

well done resisting the urges, i know its difficult and we will never just be fixed. but if we have the right tools in the right places then we can stay on the right path.

theres so many things you say in ur diary that i can relate to, i guess deep down all CG's are very similar. i dont know where you are in the Uk but if you have a look on the Research Projects on the forum you will see a MRI scan project, that might be interesting? ive applied and am due to go next week. im interested in comparing myself to others of similar ages and who have had similar actions to me to see exactly what goes on in our brains!!

keep up the positive actions and keep on doing this for yourself. i know you will want to make ur mum happy & believe me, you being happy and gamble free is what will do the trick 🙂

Hi Smokey and Lee and thank you for taking the time to post. I have a theory about why my son started gambling in the first place. I feel that when his dad and I split up he felt lonely and bereft because his "world" was turned upside down and he chose to live with his dad (because I had a new partner and he was not happy about it).

He was at an impressionable and vulnerable age and started working in a pub at weekends to earn a bit of money. Because home was not how he wanted it to be, he started playing the fruit machines ..... and then the bookies and before long he was hooked - disappearing into his fantasy land to block out the reality that he did not like.

This went on for 10 years, until he finally broke down and confessed what a mess he was in. He said he needed help and my immediate thought was financial help - his dad remortgaged and he paid everything off (so we thought) 5 months later he then confessed that there were still some outstanding debts and he had never REALLY stopped gambling (bookies) This time he was desperate to stop so I sorted him a loan from my business, supported him to self exclude, managed all his money and gave him just a cash card that I would allow him to use after I transferred agreed amounts of cash to this basic account and then ask for proof of how it was spent. This worked a treat, we spoke every day, saw each other as often as possible (he lives with his dad) and I managed all his transactions on line, making sure his dad's mortgage, my loan and his other commitments were paid every month. In April we celebrated a year of him being TRULY gamble free. He reverted back to the boy I knew and was a pleasure to be around.

Then in May this year, his girlfriend started to look for a house. This put financial pressure on him because she did not know the extent of his debt or about the money he had to pay back to my business. At that point, he made a very plausible lie up and opened a new bank account with better terms and conditions - and made excuse after excuse about why I could not have the log in details. Then he started gambling again - in the very bookies that he was self-excluded from!

He finally confessed to his gf about 3 weeks ago, about the time they moved in together, gave up all his cards, got the on line log in for his bank and I am back to managing all his money again. The trigger this time (I think) was because there was never complete honesty - he had a lie to cover up to his gf about having to pay me £200 each month. Living with her would mean he either had to tell her about my loan ... or carry on lying about where all his money went - so the pressure sent him straight back to the bookies. We have reconstituted his loan from my business so he now owes the same as he did when he started and will just have to plough through and pay it off.

Looking back, I wish I had realised how badly he had taken our marriage breakdown. I wish he had told me more, I wish I had made him come with me, I wish, I wish ...... but all I can now do is be there, support him, let him know I never stopped loving him and would do anything to prevent this curse ruining his life. He has wasted 10 whole years in a whirlwind of lying, gambling and chasing his tail to cover it up.

If it means I oversee his bank for ever - so be it. I knew this summer that he was gambling again but all my attempts to make him admit it just pushed him further away and made him angry. I am so sad.

But onwards and upwards - he has never missed a mortgage payment or a loan payment - we are all in the picture fully now and we can all help him. He had been to GA for the last 3 weeks and has found that helpful. ALthough as he says - how can I hope to understand it when he really does not know himself, why he does it.

He also has access to gambling in work as he works in a stockbrokers so that is a daily temptation that I pray he continues to resist.

Hope that explains a bit - and I hope it is ok for me to post this as a bit of an explanation. Thanks all for your support - it is my lifeline. xx

Well where to start?? First and foremost thanks for all who have posted read offered advice or even given me a few harsh home truths. I feel they are all extremely valuable in my recovery.

Well Aged 14 I started working in the pub. Mum and dad was going through and extremely rough patch. They had been for years. I used to hear the shouting screaming arguing and ultimately the crying of us all (the children). Mum and dad eventually split Dec when I was aged 15. Six months before my GCSE’s. I was the golden boy mummy’s boy. You name it I was it. Not something to be proud of mind just had a special bond I’d say. We spent lot’s of time together her interest in football my football and me meant we spent lot’s of time together. The time together was always the happiest. I remember some trips to a local supermarket where on a Thurs night we would walk pulling a trolley and I’d go with her after training and end up with loads of sweets and treats. Anyway back on with the story. Working in the pub at a weekend and being far too young in age but also looks I was unable to drink with all my mates but worked. After my shift everyone would sit and have a drink I would have a diet coke and straight onto the fruit machine. My Nanna (RIP) and my dad were pretty bad on these too.

This was to be the start of a long a painful road of which a 10 or so year period of my life I have next to no photographs or memories. This is hard to swallow as why wan’t I enjoying the lads holidays or the nights out etc etc.

My friends went to the bookies on a Saturday afternoon. My mate had a “TIP”. I won enough money to buy a car stereo which at the time was worth more than my car. My Vauxhall Nova was cool though ;-). Anyway that lead to gambling more and more and without a seconds thought I was in there at every spare minute. First at lunch, then after work and then eventually during work time.

I moved jobs took voluntary redundancy paid a bit of debt off but again the good old gambling profited nicely from me.

Along the way I have begged and borrowed but never resorted to stealing. This is a principle my mum and dad instilled in me and one I would never turn too. Even more so hearing stories about prison and reading diaries on here. I had stupid High interest loans normal loans, loans with a credit union, overdrafts, credit cards loans with parents, money borrowed of friends family etc etc. I mean I even managed to have a loan shark delivering thousands of pounds everyday to my work to fund my habit. The great lie and tail I spun to him was that I was buying drugs in large amounts and waiting for money to come in. I was making massive profit of course??? Where the hell this come from I don’t know. A good old compulsive gambler lie. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. Some months I borrowed extra from him to pay the interest I owed him back. What a silly boy playing a man’s game.

Anyway back to the “Man’s” game of gambling. What a pathetic excuse of a hobby or something to do to be social. It is the most self indulgent anti social thing you will ever do. Nobody has a social bet. You bet to win. Win money. Have a free night out pay for something you couldn’t afford. The mind games you play with yourself be it as a CG or as a general I’m betting to add interest to the game, race or fight. Never heard so much rubbish in my life. Let’s be honest each and every one of us and realise we bet to win. Nobody bet’s to loses or for interest.

So with all the financial help I have received I am still a mug to gambling or was. That is until recently, I have openly confessed honestly every last thing that I owe. This is where my true journey starts. 12 months was great but hidden was a lie and no matter how small it will grow big enough to bite you.

No excuses from here on in. All out in the open like a turtle without a shell. I feel I deceived too many people in my last recovery starting with my wonderful and supportive gf to my mum and everybody else involved given the small white lie I told at the start.

I’m here today feeling ever so slightly stupid as I never told the truth originally and if I did the place I would be now would be a lot stronger and happier but I can use it as a positive and confirm how sad and lonely my affair with gambling was . I’ll pay for it but at least I now know for sure I’m on the road to recovery. As for GA I attend every Fri it will be my 4th session on Friday. Anybody else who attends the Bolton GA session I would like to thank you for the help support and advice given.

What annoys me is not knowing all the answers now. This is impatient but this is one of my major characters. I want it now, I want answers why etc etc etc. Sometimes this can be a good trait but others not. I think this is one I am learning about day by day. I will be on my strengths in recovery and ensure I end up a nicer more rounded open person which foundations should be built on honesty.

I have up’s which are the happy times like spending lovely nights in with my gf. Copoking her tea cleaning the house and making her happy. Even hovering while she is in bed. This reminds me of a childhood memory with my mum. I even put the old classics on I used to listen to with her cleaning the house on 1152.. This is a radio station I grew up with… I miss the treasured time I spent with my mum and miss the times we had as a family. I was young naive and spoilt… I resented her for leaving me and my dad and upsetting me my brothers and sisters.

I found it hard as my dad was old fashioned. He worked and was the bread winner. My mum had out grown him I guess. Wanted more and he was happy staying as he was. They grew apart I can see this now but didn’t at the time. My dad couldn’t cook or clean wash or do anything. I ironed cooked cleaned and taught him everything. My brothers moved back slowly with there friends being there and I helped these too I hope. Wasn’t easy and sometimes was vb lonely with my dad working nights. Pretty much lived on my own aged 15. No real parental figures at home. Learning the hard way and my escape was gambling. No longer is this an escape or an excuse as I am older and wiser and understand the pain it has and will cause again should I give it chance. More importantly the things money can’t buy which I will lose including my mum and my beloved gf who really has stuck by me and been so supportive.

It’s now time for me to say farewell to gambling and move on in my life. Bad things have happened times have been hard but I have my health my mum my dad and my gf. There are many people in worse positions who don’t turn to gambling. I will remain positive and ensure I beat this.

As for what I gambled on you name it I’v probably gambled on it. Strange as it may sounds I’d like to think of myself as a decent footballer and know quite a bit about the game. I only ever had one stupid bet on football and strangely enough it won. I had lost about £500 and had £400 left in my bank. United played Liverpool away and I let my heart rule my head. £400 on Utd at 7/4 and it won. I drank like somebody who should have attended Alcholics anonymous that night but I probably give it the bookies all back and more the following day.

I bet on roulette an awful lot. I had my section… Favourite numbers. None relating to anything personal just the one’s I new would win.. Frightening….. Here’s some facts, bookies are only allowed 4 in there shops. They can take a maximum of £100 a spin off you at Roulette. If they did that for an hour, which you can re-spin every 20 seconds they would take £18,000 off you. That means the 4 monsters can eat £72k an hour. The next fact I read somewhere on this site is that the number has already been selected prior to you seeing the spin. So in effect you could be placing a bet on something that has already lost. The spin you see on the screen is pre determined recording of a ball landing in that number. Now this is frightening..

I remember betting on horses I was terrible. Dogs every single race and my dog was always a close second…… How many photo finishes?? I bet on virtual dogs, horses, bikes and cars. How pathetic and sad?? Then toad insult to injury horses that pulled carts and Australian Dogs that were on first thing in the morning. I would get in work log in then straight to the bookies some days for 5 or 6 hours…. How I got away with this without being sacked is beyond me. Get my head down at work though and not a problem with any task.

I’m now not sure if it is important to understand why I bet just important to stop. I believe everybody has their own individual recovery path and as long as they want it to succeed and put in enough effort they will. If your weak then as shown in my diary the heartache torment and torture will come back fighting if you succumb to gambling. Please don’t let it beat you.

To anybody who has read this far thanks for taking the time as these are brutal and honest encounters. If they help you I’d be happy, if they upset you I’m sorry although I hope in the end you may understand them and how typing them out help my recovery. Sorry for it all being a random waffle but different parts prompted my memory to think of other things to add.

As for all the above am I sure I will never Gamble ever again?? I would like to think so but the most important thing for me is to not gamble today ODAAT. Keep smiling one and all 🙂

Hi Wm and PSOWM... your thoughts are very interesting to read... hope you don't mind if I say a little about my past. In fact my background is remarkably similar. My parents split up when I was 14. I didn't even know they were unhappy until one morning I got up to go to school and my mum wasn't their anymore. She'd left in the night, turns out she'd been having affair with my dads boss?? Can you imgine how it must have felt for my dad...??

..... I think the point I make is the point you make WM... my world was turned upside down... I watched helplessly as my dad just kind of sat in his usual chair tears in his eyes and my mum.. well she wasn't their anymore! I was bereft and very lonely cos I to was a bit of a mummys boy and i was so very angry that my mum had left ME as i saw it then.

In my case I surpressed these intense feelings... I was 14.. I had no idea how to deal with my feelings.. seemingly they had no outlet. But of course they found an outlet later in life.. first in binge drinking and later in gambling.

For me ive been through cousnelling to work through my experinces and feelings from this time and "conciously" I am no longer angry and bereft. But is is amazing how trauma can sit in ones sub-concious and be a part of ones make up for decades for a life time perhaps. How I watched my dad deal with his feelings or not deal with his feelings was how i learnt to deal with my own feelings.

Ive had a bad experincce in the last few days and its strange that when my mum left a message on my answer machine saying how "exasperated" and "dissapointed" she felt it was amazing how rapidly I retreated back to emotional reactions from literally decades ago.. Reactions that were maybe relevant then but are certainly not relevant now.

The thing that took me along time to accept is that my mum did not deliberately leave the family home to hurt ME. She left because she was unhappy in her marriage and there was only so long that she could sttay together "for the sake of the children". My parents are both very happy people now.. both remarried. As for me i am a work in progress. All the best to you both.. S.A

PSOWM,

Good man ! Your mail is fantastic. Wanna know the best thing ??? It's the same as many/most of us here on these boards. We have all done it... some of us to a stage where it has been at the expense of total ruin. (Thankfully neither of us... and may it stay like that)

The virtual dogs/horses... betting all day/every day and managing to get away with it somehow. The thing is that it always catches up..... It's great to see you opening up about it because I honestly believe that you cannot move forward without opening up about it. !!!! Well done. Give us more... or tell your mam more in private.

When I used gamble to excess, I thought to myself... f***k, If my wife, or employer found out, i'd be a gonner. Massive cash swings, the unexplained moods ... the lot. I hid it, and hid it very well. Little did I know it would all come out months/years later. It has been embarrassing really. The positive side though, having no gambling/deceit/lying secrets has allowed me to really work my recovery. I'm still a novice though. My employer will never know and doesn't need to know, thankfully.

Well done again. One piece of advice... keep up the momentum..... keep talking.... keep sharing.... this will help not only you but also your mother.

Brian

Hi Both and thank you for your input - it is good to hear how others are coping. I feel a huge amount of responsibility for the problems my son is now having. Although I know it is not "my fault" that he made his choices, I still feel it could all have been avoided had I realised what was going on in his mind sooner. I so want to help him overcome whatever his insecurities or emotional issues are but I really do not feel that I know enough to help him in the best way - that is why I am always on here, inbetween work, trying to understand. Thank you. x

wow, an incredible insight and a fantastic post.

i can relate to so much of it and i believe we were in a similar mind frame. i too gambled on anything and everything, from the moment i woke to the moment i got home from work.

how i never got sacked i'll never know, but i was always 'clever'. i was a fast worker who knew his stuff, so my worst was level to everyone else at their middle to best. so occassionaly i out shone which made me able to get away with the days of doing nothing but throwing thousands of pounds down the drain...but i was winning and making a profit wasnt i?!

i also agree that it doesnt matter anymore why we gambled, all that matters is that we dont ever gamble again. we know why we shouldnt gamble, we see the reasons and the effects of our gambling everyday.

it sounds like we would have a decent football team if we created a gamcare XI !!!

keep up the good work and your strong bond will get you through

Well - today is the real start of our new battle. I received all the log in details for my sons bank and am again in control of what he spends. I am pleased that the latest "slip" was nowhere near as bad as it could have been - thank goodness for that! He owned up long before it became too big, let us hope that next time, he finds the courage to talk BEFORE he walks in the bookies ..... instead of 3 months down the line with a car crash (metaphorically speaking) behind him!

I feel very positive today. He sounds more upbeat, I thank God we have our health and he is positive about the future. Together we WILL beat this thing and come out smiling ..... ODAAT! That is becoming my mantra too. For all those trying to support CG's, try to be patient, try to understand and help - we all have our idiosyncrasies. I was thinking last night as I helped myself to yet more jelly beans - if jelly beans were money, I would be where he is - because I am a compulsive eater of them ...... I am just fortunate that my compulsion does not do the level of harm that gambling does.

My head hurts from thinking about why he ended up here, what could I have done to "make it all right". As a mum, I hurt because he hurts. I do not want him to be in emotional turmoil - I want him to enjoy his youth and to have fun. I want his pleasure to be nothing to do with money or betting - I want him to savour the free delights in life, to wake up and be thankful to be alive and healthy. He has SUCH a lot going for him. Good looking, quick, gregarious, talented footballer, good at his job, well liked etc etc. So this quirk to his character has to be managed. I have done a lot of training on neuro linguistic programming and I feel that his brain needs re-training to change his behaviour patterns - hopefully the start is going to GA, admitting his triggers and which bits of the cycle are pleasurable. Being open and honest, having nowhere to hide, making him have the difficult conversations instead of letting him dodge them and recognising that nice things have to be worked for - they do not come free or easy. Most of all, letting him know that he is loved unconditionally. I do not always like his behaviour - that definitely does not mean I ever stop loving him. Sorry for the ramble - hope it makes sense.

Onwards and upwards - I am pleased that the bank does not look half as bad as I thought it would - in fact a lot of the spending was not on gambling - so that pleases me in a strange way! Have a good day all and thank you for contributing to our journey. xxxxx

Thanks for all the comments on my diary.. It's crazy how we all have so many similar stories and traits to a point but most of all the bad habbit that is gambling. I'm looking onwards and upwards and hard work and will power along with the almighty honesty will get me through this... ODAAT people keep smiling 🙂

Well another day passes without gambling and with a little more time between you and that last bet. I pray you have the strength to keep going, through the tough times when you have to pay off your debts, through to brighter times when you can enjoy life without the lies and deceit and pain that gambling brings. We are all cheering you on but I realise it is you that has to get through it. xxxx

Hello one and all. Well tough day at the office as they say but have put in a performance worthy of Ronaldo in front of the Stretford End :P Quite positive today lot's going on in my life which I will delve into at another time but for today I have not and I will, not gamble. Hope everyone is doing well. Apologies for not posting on other peoples diaries but I will get round to this when work is less hectic. ODAAT people and keep smiling.

Hello one and all. A few positives this week. Job interview for a promotion.. More than likely not going to get it due to experience but hey give a gd account of myself. Free ticket to watch the mighty reds play Wigan at OT. VIP Tickets may I add free beverages free meal etc etc etc so not bad for nothing.... More important things now. GA tonight 4th session on the run kinda looking forward to it. Been taking it steady one day at a time and my life starts to pan out again. If i remember each day the pain gambling causes then I shouldn't go far wrong. Not just to me but the people nearest and dearest. Anyway another week done gamble free. ODAAT is most definately working and I'm smiling 🙂 Good luck all stay gamble free and keep smiling over the weekend... 🙂

Well another gamble free weekend and a pleasant one as ever. Although the car (Dave) looks to have given up which iis a sad time me and my gf had a nice weekend. GA on Friday, friends round on Sat and a nice chilled out Sun with a Sun roast..... Hope every1 has abstained this weekend.... Looking forward to a busy week. Lot's going on and should be able to shape up the rest of the year a bit more but on gambling terms just for today I wont gamble. ODDAT keep smiling all 🙂

Great to hear such a positive post. Have a good week and stay strong, open, honest and communicating. And the most important ...... no gambling! xxx

Another day and I am feeling a bit more up beat. Although I dnt have many urges I am still aware these can pop up all the time at any time. I like to understand things and always have my own spin on things. I talk a lot to my supportive partner but also my mum. I was wondering given my competitive nature if this is another trait that makes me want to gamble? I hate getting beat at anything be it playing football, or any other game even down to a game on my phone I am always kind of addicted to a point where I will not put it down until I have beaten my high score... Bit strange but maybe this is the same with betting although I have realised there is only one winner maybe it doesn't sit well with me? I will not be going back to beat my high score at this as my high score is well and truly a minus...... I will stay strong and ensure I have good blocks and support in place. I'll keep talking which I find gd although it can be a little uncomfortable at times and also keep attending GA which has really been a great help in my recovery. Thanks for all the support on here and more importantly the people at home and onwards and upwards. Just for Today I won't gamble and more importantly I'll be wearing a smile 🙂