2010

yes jasmine that sounds like a P i s s take to me and well done on controlling your urge and going to netline. Amazing how simple things can trigger us all off. . Thanks for your support the other day. Told you did nt want bloody "SYMPATHY". . I took your advice and let things calm down for couple of days. Low and behold got text last night asking if i was trying to get in touch as several calls had withheld numbers. . Politely replied not me then gets text this mornin sayin i can have car back as she going to treat girls to a newer one. . Belive that when i see it ive kinda got used to idea now of using my bus pass around town. .playing games me thinks but im not joining in. . Have a nice day and thanks again.

Been on a very intense course today for my voluntary work. Emotionally draining and has left me really miz.

Nothing to report on the gambling front. Life goes on.

In court tomorrow so should be interesting.

Keeps my mind occupied which is what I need.

Since returning from my short break with my relatives I have made a decision about something that will change my life. It has been a long time coming but the time is right now. It's about time too. I feel a sense of unbelievable relief.

Nite.....Jas x

P is still away with work. I must admit to having urges to gamble. It is dangerous as I have or should I say did have my laptop without protection.

My daughters asked what I wanted for Mother's day and I asked them for £80 for a 2 year license for betfilter. I was quite open with them....told them I was feeling urges to gamble and that I felt vulnerable. I have installed it now, I struck while the iron was hot and thats that.

I have avoided putting a blocker on because of P's work knowing what software was loaded on the system...but, you knw what? I don't care what they know or think. If they challenge anything then I feel able to explain why I need it on the system.

I have been reading a lot of diaries and it is obvious there is a big racing festival coming up. I have no interst in the gee gee's, except for my sponsored retired racehorse but I can imagine how difficult it must be at this time. I hope and pray everyone can remain strong throughout this period of time. It will soon pass.

It's Mother's day on Sunday and I am going to meet up with 2 of my girls for lunch. It is always a time of mixed emotions as I miss my Ma so much. For years I used to buy her a card and put it by her photograph but I don't think this helps me now and so I will play some music she used to like and light a candle for her.

I fancy going out tonight but I am not sure where to go. If i ring my sister it will end up in some casino and if I ring my friends it will end up a counselling sesh. I had to laugh as my 17 year old daughter is going out with her mates tonight and she invited me.....and she was being serious...how rediculous would that be!!! and so, later my house will be filled with giggling young girls, getting all dolled up, listening to music and drinking wine....God, that used to be me. That's all I lived for when I was young...going out.....just sort of slipped into staying in and wearing jim jams lol.

Jas x

LOL Jas, Betfilter for Mothers Day, thats a classic!

Great that you have resisted the urges though. Hope you have a good night out tonight if you go and a great day on Sunday with your daughters, you deserve it.

A Mother's Love

Hi Jas

I know you must be missing P a lot xx

I was glad to see you got a break away and enjoyed the hoilday. Still its hard to truly enjoy the time apart from your soulmate 🙂

Thinking of you don't give in to any urges my girl.

Love you

W xxx

Yeah, Betfilter for Mother's day...that's what I've come to lol.......

Neighbour came round last night with their house keys. Going on yet another cruise, will I check on the house.....going on and on about it....and on and on......and on. Ever met someone that doesn't think anyone else has been anywhere? I just stood there. They are addicted to holidays...cruising in particular. They are tight as ducks arses. They never have any luxuries as I call it. No flowers in the garden, no luxury in the house, no fine food or booze....all their money goes on saving for rediculously expensive cruises. Where they will now spend 3 weeks pretending to be someone they aren't with a load of other toffs...dillusions of grandeur.

What made me happy...in a sick way....was that they are going on this cruise to celebrate her 65th birthday. Crikey, I honestly thought she was 80 odd. If that is what saving all your life does then I'm out of here...lol I wonder if there is an addiction for saving?

There has to be a balance surely. Except for the addictive gambling I am so glad to be me.

Got loads of boring chores to do so better get cracking with them...luckily the fridge was cleaned a few weeks back to must move onto the cooker....yawwwn

Bye for now...Jas x

Hi Jas.. I ended up in Marks n Sparks cos there one of only a few shops that do 33 inch inside leg. With 32 inch am like Charley chaplin and 34 inch am collecting stones off the pavement.. 33 is spot on! (jeans by autograph) Anyway I felt the need to come and tell you Lol

Anyway glad your mothers day present to yourself is doing its job and you got through recent urges to gamble. I couldnt help but chuckle about the idea of betfilter for mothers day with flowers of course!.. sorry 🙂

thanks for passing through my diary.. S.A 🙂

Just popping by my diary before I go to lunch with my girls.

Nothing much to report really. Felt a tinge on jealousy last night as my sister was going out....she invited me but as she was going to a casino in Manchester I had to politely decline. Too dangerous you see. P is not here so I would be on my tod. I have little or no cash so how boring would it be. Nursing a drink all night!

My sister plonks herself in front of her fave slotter and that's about the excitement for the evening.....so, I decided if I wanted little or no conversation I may aswell stop in. Did fancy the roulette though I will be honest but at what price?

She said I was a boring f**t. What's up with you? I said I had decided to stop gambling because I had a problem controlling it, and I reminded her of all our previous convos....and I suggested she did the same. She shrugs it off. See ya babe!!! Made me feel horrible

I had a phone call early hours on my mobile from her. I didn't pick up. I'm sick of the same old, same old......crying, skint, arguing and all that s**t blah, blah, blah, blah

But, it is very difficult dealing with my problem when it is so in my face all the time.

Betfilter must be the best Mother's Day gift I have ever had lol.........trust me, it's the truth.

Enjoy the rest of your weekends folks. Stay strong.

Jas x

Hi Jas,

Yes your sister doesnt come across as being remotely concerned with what you feel about gambling and the choices you have made.. but more concerned with having someone to gamble with and lets face it someone their to try and get money from when her's runs out. Sounds like from your point of view clear boundaries need not only to be put in place but constantly re-inforced. Its back to the replies we had the other day i think.. our old friend narcissim.. people who only seem able to see the world in terms of themsleves and their own immediate needs. Sorry if i am off the mark with your sister.. its just an impression from what you say.

Hope you enjoyed your day.. S.A 🙂

Hi Jas,

Sorry your sis is being so insensitive. I mentioned this theory ages ago, but I think it must be very uncomfortable for her to be unable to control her gambling - and have a sister who is controlling her gambling. Kind of shows her up as weak - at least that is probably what she fears.

How much better it would be if you were still gambling too....for HER. You would both be as bad as each other then, and she wouldn't have to deal with the uncomfortable business of being the CG, the loser, the weak one or whatever label she most fears.

Of course your sis probably loves you very much, and isn't intentionally trying to push your buttons like this. Maybe it helps to think about what is going on behind her behaviour though. Maybe not.

Good for you, for standing your ground, girl!

Some people take longer to learn than others, she will eventually get the message. Gambling is no longer a part of your life. How she must secretly envy you that, when the purse is empty and the consequences start sinking in.

Hope your girls spoil their mamma today.

lots of love,

f x

Thank you SA and Freda, very true words.

I really wanted to gamble yesterday. On a scale of 1 - 10 with 1 being low urges and 10 being extreme.....I would say I was at a 9 for several hours say from 3pm until about 8.30pm. I am being specific because I am trying to figure out what was up with me during this period of time.

If I wasn't a cg then this wouldnt be a problem. I could have gone and had a gamble and then left it. But, it is dangerous because, being a cg, if I gamble it will be similar to pushing a self destruct button. There is no stopping me. The only control I have is NOT gambling in the first place.

I went for a lunch yesterday with my girls. Felt very emotional actually. One of my girls is working as a full time carer for a lady with dementure. It is very demanding for a young person. I found the address she gave me....a beautiful farmhouse surrounded by manicured gardens and fields as far as the eye could see. My daughter and this lady came out to greet us. God.....dementure! A wicked illness.

We went to a local pub for lunch which was lovely.

My daughter looked tired and very pale. We did have a laugh about her turning into vampire. I really didn't want her to go back. I wanted her to come home with me and her sister. At that moment I wished I had won the lottery and I could afford to take her home with me. Alas, this is not the case. She needs to work and earn so she can pay student debt off and save for uni in September.

I had to suppress tears and be strong.

We had a laugh, a lovely meal and before I knew it, time to go. I took her back and her lady was waiting for her. I could see my daughters eyes getting all glassy and I made light of it. Saying all the right positive things to make her strong.

Drove home and from the moment I had thought about wishing I had won the lottery until later in the evening I could think of nothing but gambling. I had allowed those thoughts to enter my head and fill my mind with fantasy.

Got home. Can't gamble online as betfilter on. Would mean driving somewhere. Took a bath to waste time, rang my sister, lay on my bed, had a cry and felt a bit sorry for myself, went onto chat, made a coffee with a glug of brandy in it. Just anything to make these thoughts disappear.

It took hours for that craving to gamble to pass. I knew it was wrong but it would have been so easy just to go with it. Soooo, so easy.

I wake up this morning and calm has returned. If I had gambled it would have been cash from my budget. A budget which is calculated to military precision lol. I look at the cash and the money is still all there, infact I can add to it as my girls insisted on treating me yesterday.

Why, oh why after all this time am I still suffering with this? It takes some working at, that's for sure.

I wanted to add. I am aware this week is a big challenge for some users due to a big racing festival. I am sending all my positive vibes to help you all be strong through this testing time.

Jas x

Hi Jas,

Maybe your urges were due to spending time in that dreamworld, where you could save your daughter from such a demanding job. Never underestimate the power of wishing things were different - can make us do some crazy things, or in your case, just really want to do crazy things.

Glad its passed.

Take care,

f x

jasmine. . Well done for escaping them urges. . Just shows how much we have to be on guard at ALL times. . Good to see you spending time with your daughters. Take your mind off "P" for a bit. Maybe him not being there is giving you the strong urges. . Thanks for showing your concerns about the week ahead. . Its massive in terms of gambling so yes its gonna be extremely difficult for us all but WE CAN DO IT. . Best wishes w.P

Hi Jasmine,

No need to feel bad about having an urge to gamble.. and the point being that you did all the right things to stop yourself gambling.. distraction with other stuff and writing about it on here and you didn't gamble!! A bloody big well done!!!

What you said about your daughter reminds me when I use to be a fulltime carer for an elderly man paralysed down oneside. I was a live in community service volunteer and this was after Uni when i didnt have a clue what i wanted to do but needed somewhere to live. He was a miserable old sod most of the time (probably what led to his stroke in the first place) but occasionally late at night as i helped him ready for bed he showed a kinder side and his true character showed through. He died one day in his wheelchair.. as we were on the way to the pub as it happened.. just slumped to oneside and that was that. It reminds me to make the most of each day cos you never know when your numbers up (pardon the gambling pun!).. take care, keep safe.. S.A 🙂