2017

I replied on your other thread but have subscribed to this one and will definitely follow your story.

Day 5 for me x

A lovely, busy day today. Lots of work completed and plans made for the next few months! Absolutely love being able to plan nice things with friends and family and not having to back out because I've spent on my money on gambling and have nothing left! Or having the dreaded fear of actually going out and having to have a conversation, act interested (when wanting to just be at home gambling) and the shame of realising your friends have achieved much more than you. But I don't feel that anymore, I'm so grateful to be able to go out and truly enjoy conversation and discuss the future. I'm not where I want to be in life...yet! But who made the rules? Who said you should have your own place by the time you're 30, be married, have kids, have a fancy car, a job the pays lots etc I've come to realise, my its upto me how I live my life, no one else. Within that list there are things I want to achieve, things I haven't yet achieved, but I will one day and who cares if it takes a little longer than my friends. As my head is clearer, I've taken the time to listen 100% to my friends and actually realised those who have all that, aren't even happy. They look happy in the outside, but are miserable behind closed doors, but feel they have to put on a front and do as they should. Which I think is very sad. So I will achieve want I want in life, even if it takes years. Cx

Today isn't a good day, not sure why, but feeling really panicky about money. The fact that I owe money on loans etc usually I can talk myself round, but today I'm feeling I just desperately want it all paid off, but know I'm not in a position to do that right now. Gambling has crossed my mind today...that one huge win would solve my debt problem, but I know that it's not that simple and I won't stop and I'd end up in a worse position than I'm in now! I'm hoping it's just a bad day, but don't like this feeling, feel anxious, on edge just not right. Going to go to bed and hopefully I'll feel more positive to face things tomorrow. C x

Hi Charley,

Good to read you've started the year on a positive note, although sorry you're not feeling too good about things tonight. It's natural to have ups and downs, this is a recovery, and like everything else it will have its ups and downs. If every day in life was fantastic I'm sure we'd quickly get bored of fantastic and yearn for something else.

Anyhow, I hope you sleep well and that you bounce back with your new year enthusiasm tomorrow.

Hi Charley,

I too had the urge yesterday. I actually sat there with my thumb over the deposit button for 10 mins but didn't press it. Instead I got up and did the washing up. I do have K9 software on my phone but in my weakest moment, got out my tablet and remembered I had an account I hadn't self excluded from (and my tablet didn't have K9). That has since changed and I now have but further stops in place. I'm on Day 8 and feeling more positive than yesterday. Hope you're ok today and if you ever need to talk you know where I am. X

Hi, thank you for taking the time out and writing on my page, truly appreciated. Surprisingly, I had a good sleep to say head felt abit of a mess, probably because was so exhausted thinking about things! I don't feel amazing today, but I do feel a little brighter than yesterday. I think because I'm usually so busy, I don't usually have time to think about the mess I've made of things, but yesterday I didn't do much and had time on my hands think. Note to self....stay busy!!! A busy week ahead, so hopefully more positive week ahead. C x

Mid Feb...where has the time gone?! The amount of years I prayed for it to be the end of the month (pay day) wished so much of my life away, to be paid for working hard all month to then blow it all or the majority of it in a week or so...why? That was not a life, far from it! I existed to gamble, a life I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy! Im busy rebuilding my life for the better and gosh it feels good...in fact amazing!! I'm not at all saying I clicked my fingers and bam the want to gamble is gone...wow, far from it!! I've had some of the toughest days of my life so far on this journey, I've faced things I've blocked out for years, I've had to 'man up' and take responsibility for things I'm utterly ashamed of. I'm no where near where I want to be yet, in fact far from it, but I'm a bigger step further than I've been for a very long time. A massive difference that has hugely helped me focus, is something that doesn't cost a penny...sleep!! I was in such a bad cycle I forgot what a good nights sleep was! I could never even think about attempting to get myself out of the mess I was in because I was always so tired, so could never function! Sleep is a wonderful thing and now I actually get sleep, which makes me ready for the day ahead! Able to battle ahead with my mistakes...stupid choices! Etc. I know it may seem silly, but I've learnt I can't ignore my problems...not just gambling ones, money issues etc but everything I used to not book my consultant doctors appointments, things like that because I think deep down I felt i deserved what happened to me, didn't care about myself. I now know that doesn't solve a thing, but cause worry for my family and friends. Anyway I seem to have rambled for a while, but I just wanted to check in and say for now all is good...I'm not at all 100% confident and in all honesty I probably never will be, as they say it's always there the gamble devil and can take over you at any point, but for now things are good and I'm appreciating the smallest things in life and so grateful for the simplest things in life because without them, what would life be? Anyway, back to finish my coffee then a list of jobs for the day ahead. Hope everyone else is doing ok. Take Care. C x

Hi Charley, as you took the time to reply to my diary I thought I would return the favour and show my support on yours. Just had a read through and so glad to see you are doing well, getting your life back on track and living again. Something from one of the posts caught my attention and that was about ignoring the "rules" about having a house, car, high paid job ect by a certain age, its something iv always worried about, being 23 nearly 24 I always feel like I should be "ticking off" a few of these things, obviously being a compulive gambler has meant I have never been able to. But I am with you, who makes the rules, who really cares. As long as you are living and enjoying life (Which we are on our way to) then who really cares if we havnt got the car on the drive of the big house paid for by the important job. Anyways I am going on abit now, somtimes I just start typing and it all comes out, I think thats something to do with never talking to anyone else about gambling other than on here.

Take care and ill check in soon

Al x

Having a rough day today, not sure if it's because I don't feel 100% and everything seems that little bit worse when you don't feel well, but just keep bursting into tears and feeling very down. Not because I want to gamble, but because of the debt gambling had caused. I've paid a lot of my debt down, but when I feel I'm getting there and making progress I get an email or text or phone call, you loan has been approved blah blah blah but I haven't applied for a loan and it's companies that have past details on from me making the mistake of using pay day loans in the past. Most days I just ignore them, but today it's really getting to me...if I wanted a loan I would contact you, they should've be allowed to contact constantly because if I was having a bad day gamble wise, I could easily take a loan up because I stupidly have done in the past!! Just so infuriating I'm trying to make my life better, and pay debt back, but today just feels like constant battle. Working again tonight and really don't want to go as my mood is terrible, but my work means no money to pay these horrible debts back, so needs must!! Wish I never ever took a single pay day loan out or logged onto any gambling site ever!!! Sorry for the rant, just having a bad day. X

We all have them but you are getting there no gambling means winning and paying back debt can only be good.

Keep fighting keep up the good work

Malc

I have spent until about 3am reading debt free stories online, I will get there...my over night, but eventually! These real life stories have 100% inspired me to get debt free and never be in debt again! Never to owe and penny and never give my hard earned cash to a gambling company ever again...my two dreams that I can achieve if I 100% put my mind to it!! X

Sunday night, a busy week ahead and it WILL be another gamble free week!! I've spent an hour or so today reading real life debt stories and gambling stories online. It's just so awful how many of us are stuggling with this awful addiction, how these companies are getting away with making a fortune and not caring about 'the little people!' Knocks me sick to my stomach! I watched a clip about gambling on Panarma the other day, again knocked me sick! People have taken their own lives through the grief of debt and damaged cause to their family because of these horrible machines etc. Reading these stories and watching these documentaries, I'm grateful I've got a chance to try and put things right, to get debt free, live life and not just exist! Appreciate the beauty of the world, instead of staring at a computer screen for hours and hours! Did some sums today...again! Something else I feel I do all the time, but there is money in my bank (very little) but it's not zero because I've given my hard earned cash and flushed it down the toilet! Never again do I want to be in the place I was last year, in the worst of my gambling! I love love love sitting down in a morning, with a coffee, phone upstairs and sitting in Silence getting my thoughts ready for the day ahead...something so simple, but this time last year wouldn't it of happened. I'd of been up more or less all night-gambling! Then be so tired in the morning I couldn't function...no matter how much coffee I had! Dread the day ahead knowing I've spent all my wages again...id spend my break on the internet looking for pay day loans, I'd apply usually got one (sadly!) then spend my lunch gambling again, locked away like a recluse! Straight home, to my room to gamble the night away and do it all again the next day and next....what on earth was I thinking?! That is no life?! The stress, the worry, the sleepless night, the sick to the pit of your stomach feeling, I did all that to myself and for nothing in return! Never again do I want to feel those feelings! Some days, I don think I even had a conversation with anyone at work, how awful! I now make sure I go out of my way to speak to people and ask them about their weekend etc, again something so small, but to me it's progress for the better. Things sorted for work, lunch packed up so time for time to get ready for bed and have an early night, ready to battle the week ahead! Cx

I'm so glad that you're on the right path Charley. It sounds like you've been on one hell of a journey, but are now returning, slowly but positively to normality.

You're right, that is no way to spend your life. But I was exactly the same. Basing my life around gambling. Do I go out at the weekend? Depends if I win or lose some money this week was always my answer. It should have always been a yes! It's so sad to think back. But we move on! Both positively and happily. The future is bright so long as we stay gamble free.

It's as simple as that.

Gambling can only c*****e us financially.

Keep it up Charley! 🙂

It's Monday and I'm still standing strong. 🙂 Nice little surprise today, well it was a surprise because I totally forgot about it! Was decluttering all papers-I find shredding very therapeutic! And came across a pay in slip for a savers account I opened years ago...if totally forgotten about it-which I'm glad of because if it's if remembered in my haunt of gambling days, it would of been well and truly spent, probably in a few minutes, infact!!! Anyway remembered I'd try to save some money and knew if it was in my account it wouldn't of lasted a day, so I opened up an account with a savers company in town. It's not loads, but it's a couple of hundred. I went down to check I did still have it in, ID shown and bam...I did!! Now this time last year, I'd of drawn that money right out and put it back into my account to spend online slots and you know the rest! Instead, I added another £20 to my savings...I know nothing major, but all I can afford at min, as I'm still on my 'spending money' journey...works for me. I'm not bothered if people think it's sad I can't handle my own money, it's true I can't and that's why my lovely best friend has my card for me...best thing I ever did!! I know it's nothing major, but I do feel proud today because like i said, this time last year it would of been a very different story!! I know I should probably use that £200+ to pay my debts down, but desperately trying to save my emergency fund of £1000. I pay more than I need to towards my debts, so want to feel im making some progress on the saving side of things too. Isn't it funny how we relate to money, whine I go shopping or out anywhere (not that often) I question myself constantly...do you really need that? Will it change your life? No, put it back, you don't deserve that! Etc and I really battle with myself, but I never had that trouble when putting in £100 after £100 in the slot machines online!! Well, I can't dwell on those £100s/£1000s gone, but I CAN and WILL rebuild by emergency fund and life for the better. Cx