Hi everyone. I created this same post on the new members forum, but I wanted to replicate it here as it is a good starting point. This is day 1 and I will update this diary regularly.
I'm a 25 year old male and as the title suggests, I feel that I'm at a crossroads in my life. If I'm able to stop now, I can still achieve what I want to do in life and have a good future. If I don't and continue to gamble beyond my means, it could mean disaster.
I think at 25, I'm no longer "young", but I'm also at an age where this addiction can be stopped in its tracks and no longer be a burden on me.
My gambling habits are purely online. Going into a bookmakers or a casino doesn't do it for me. I've been gambling since I was 18 years of age. My story will be very familiar for many addicts on this site. It started off with £2 and £3 bets, but quickly escalated. Like many addicts, I had a taste of a big win (£1000 - quite a large amount for an 18 year old student) and ever since then, I've been hooked. I tend to bet on sports, but predictably when I lose, I turn to a casino game for a quick fix. With sports betting, you may have to wait for that next horse race or football match to chase losses, but if there's a casino game, you can chase your losses almost immediately, with a few clicks of your mouse. Again, this will be familiar to many of you.
My current financial position is probably the worst it has ever been, which is why I'm making this post today, because it needs to stop. I have maxed out my overdraft with the bank (around £1500) and my credit card bill is around £1200. I also have other debts totalling £2000. I am in a fairly decent job, however the nature of my business means that no one is ever totally secure. Right now, I am still performing to a good level for my company and I'm not facing any potential problems, however I am wary of making sure that if the day was ever to come where I could be laid off, that I don't have huge debts hanging over my head. I have worked out that I can clear all my debts and have a little extra in my bank account within 3 months, as long as I don't gamble. Any encouragement from people on here would be most welcome.
Gambling is also starting to take an effect on me in terms of my mental health. I have never been professionally diagnosed with a mental health problem, but I know that not everything is going well in this regard. I most likely have some type of depression, and the addiction has been largely to blame. One of the problems I have is not being able to replicate the feeling I get when I gamble, meaning that everyday activities for me become boring very fast. This includes work, socialising, watching television etc. Nothing comes close. This is a problem I am going to have to address over the coming months.
I have no responsibilities to anyone else. I currently don't have a girlfriend and I don't have any children. Therefore, this is all on me. This is my addiction and I have to make sure I beat it. I apologise for the length of this post, but I wanted to put down as much as I could. Feel free to reply with any advice guys.
Hi Martin,
First well done for making the first step and admitting you have a problem. Welcome to this supportive site, where you can get so much advice and inspiration to stay on the right track.
You are young and there is the whole world out there waiting for you. You can tackle this addiction by day at a time. Try to keep as busy as possible at early stages of recovery and of course get blocks in place for your computer. I use K9 which is for free and doing brilliant job. ( you might need somebody to put password in for you)
It is not easy road, but it will get easier. Commit to your recovery 100% and set some goals for yourself. Diaries helped me enormously and you can write or read anytime you feel like it. Nobody will judge you here, we understand and support each over in every way possible. You are not on your own.
I wish you best of luck in your journey and will look forward to read about your achievements:-)
Take care
Day at a time
Sandra
Thank you Sandra. I appreciate your reply. I feel that this diary might help me a lot, just like your diary has helped you.
Day 2 (1 day without gambling):
My first day has finished and it was a relief to get through it without gambling. There were no major problems. It was fairly stress free. Coming on here and sharing some of my thoughts seemed to help. I realize that I will have more difficult days ahead of me. I can be sure of that. But, for now, I'm feeling good and optimistic about the future.
Your post could be mine, almost exactly!
I gambled on sports and when things went wrong turned to the quick fix of getting my loss turned around by using online casino, virtual sports etc
One thing that you mentioned that mostly related to me was the fact that when there was a loss that there was no time to wait before a casino bet which could almost immediately recoup your losses or double them in my case.
This is the addictive side of our personalities, because we are compulsive gamblers. We cannot live with that loss.
I know that you are in a bad space at the moment but things will get easier the longer you stay bet free. Your kinda of depression if related to gambling will be a shock to your system that may feel like a depression but it is just a mental state that comes from within reacting to what has happened. I suffered this type of feeling for days after losing big.
If you can work hard to put things right within a few months you are a lucky person. Life is one big lesson which I choose to learn from, I hope you do too
Read my diary it hopefully will help in some small way
Think positive and try and enjoy sports like you were a kid (I'm trying to)
Keep posting Martin
Keep up the posting man, I am finding keeping a daily diary here helps keep the focus on recovery and I am happy to share the journey with you as I began my thread this week too.I am in similar position apart from the figures being higher.... but stopping now can make our break the rest of our lives and I'm glad you and I have seen the importance of that in time. We can do it.x
Hi Martin. Stick with it mate. Im on day 17 and things are start to tur around for me already. I am 26 and also decided that i was at the age where it was time to 'choose a path'.
Other things in your life will become exciting but you need time to allow those thing into your life.
I cant really be preaching after 17 days, but i reckon giving up is a much more achievable goal with the help of others on this site.
All the best
Heaven, Levi, and boz: thank you for your replies. They really are a source of strength for me and it is comforting to know that we are able to act as a support for each other. I'll make sure to drop by your respective diaries and offer the same support you have shown me.
Day 4 (3 days without gambling):
Thankfully, I am still gamble free. Yesterday was a stressful and tiring day. With it being a Saturday, there was plenty of sport being played. Even when I'm not gambling, I usually check the odds for various football matches, but I resisted the temptation on this occasion. There can be no good that comes from that and it only acts as a temptation. I believe it is just a source of habit more than anything else. But this is what it's all about; breaking habits and making sure I don't repeat the same old mistakes.
What I'm used to doing is checking the odds, convincing myself that a particular price is too good to ignore, using that as an excuse to deposit into my gambling account and then using that money on a casino game, trying to win money quick, telling myself that all I need to do is double up and then I can bet on the thing I was originally going to bet on and then I could have the other money to play with. It's my way of trying to fool myself. In short, it is a pathetic way of me trying to find any way in which to feed the addiction.
Thankfully, that didn't happen yesterday. I stopped it from happening by stopping it at the source; not even looking at the odds and therefore there was no temptation.
My mood is strange just now. I feel very unsettled. I will not divulge too much personal information here, for good reason (I believe we have to keep some sort of anonymity whilst also being entirely open as addicts). But I feel restless, not quite knowing what to do with myself or not quite knowing where I belong.
My financial position is such, that another bet would be a disaster. Even when I next get paid, I will still have plenty of debts to clear. As I said in my initial post in this diary, I will need around 3 months before I can start to look forward again, with a clean slate financially. I need to just take one step at a time.
Well done you are a young man who inspires an older generation. Your battle will help you and others overcome their problems keep posting it will help. I too am battling and on day 7 bet free. This site is now my addiction and it lets me know I am not mad , just made a few wrong choices which have damaging effects to me and the family, good luck with your battle
That double up situation is how I know that I had become a compulsive gambler. I was being held hostage often for long periods of time until I got my money back. Most of the time I got back to broke even status but when this did not happen I lost big originating from losing 10 or 20 quid. The money I risked is terrifying for the sake of getting back a reasonably small amount that I had lost to begin.
Your mind set is exactly where I am. We know that we cannot gamble no more as could end in travesty but we still have the routine of pricing up certain events. We should see this as positive because we are not acting upon our former habits and getting embroiled in the situation of placing that 1st bet that could possibly begin the Chase if we were not to profit. The Chase is when we are not in control.
Keep posting, work hard, 3 months will pass quick enough and then you will have to work even harder!
I wanna be the wise man that this evil has knocked down but I get up, win the fight and learned to tell the tale. Hope you do too
H
Day 7 (6 days without gambling):
Well I can't say with any real honesty that the past week has been easy, but I'm pleased to have battled through it. Last night and tonight are Champions League nights. I've resisted the temptation to look at the odds for the matches being played. There's no point really.
I've been feeling a little under the weather the past couple of days. Whether this has anything to do with not gambling or not, is difficult to say. It's probably just cold symptoms that are going around.
Work has been a little stressful. Everyone is under different elements of stress at work, but my gambling habits used to distract me from it. If I had the gambling to focus on, I wouldn't be as bothered about work. I admit to having gambled during work hours before. It would start off with a few cheeky bets using my phone, but would sometimes mean using the laptop to turn to the casino type games to make a quick buck.
I've been checking the forum over the last couple of days and keeping up to date with everyone's diaries. I'll maybe contribute to a few of them tonight to offer some support. One common subject that I have seen being brought up in some of the diaries has been the subject of gambling advertisements on television. I'm maybe in the minority with my view on this. I don't generally have a problem with them. I know that as addicts, we don't have much control, but we ultimately still have to be responsible for our own actions. If I see an advertisement for a bottle of coke, it doesn't mean I'll automatically go out and buy one. In the same way, if I see an advert for one of the big betting firms, I shouldn't all of a sudden just go and have a bet. I know it's not quite as straightforward as this, but as an addict, I'm willing to be 100% responsible for my betting activity.
It's almost the weekend and I'm looking forward to a couple of days break. Hopefully, I'll start off next week feeling refreshed and still gamble-free.
Hello Martin, Id like to thankyou for commenting on my thread as you have made my evening.
Im not sure why but I read through peoples posts to find the closest story to mine just so I can see if anyone is like myself. I dont think I will meet anybody with a closer story to mine as you have.
I like you struggle with internet gambling and this largely consists off football betting and roulette. Im not sure why I dont like betting shops but they dont really bother me. Fingers crossed they dont in the future.
Out of curiosity does any of your mates struggle with gambling? I have started to use this website due to the fact that ive once again lost alot of money and now im 25 ive had enough of doing it. I too understand I have time on my side to put it right before its too late.
None of my mates struggle like I do with gambling so I find talking to like minded people like yourself help me deal with my day to day issues.
Do you ever worry when it comes to the weekend that theres too much football on ? I love watching football but because of my betting problems im scared to watch it incase I get dragged back into it.
Sorry to ask you questions and I hope you keep strong in your fight against gambling.
All the best
Luke
Luke,
Thanks for your post.
I have friends who gamble. One in particular seems to have a problem. He doesn't know the extent of my problem and for all I know, he could be in a similar situation. I only see him very occasionally now.
I have had at least 2 family members who have had problems with gambling in the past. They don't know that I'm aware of this, and they don't know about my problems. But one of them has had their life almost completely ruined by it, and the other is a lot better now, but had to be bailed out of a pretty bad situation.
Last weekend was quite tough as you'll see from one of my earlier entries in this diary. These past two days have been tough as well with the Champions League on. But, I love football and I love sports. I was able to watch tonight and last night without feeling on edge so much, but I find not looking at the odds pre-match helps.
My financial situation right now means that I really just cannot afford to gamble. I've said that before, but this time I truly mean it because I'm pretty deep into an overdraft. I think it's this more than anything else which is making me think twice about gambling. I plan to keep this diary updated a lot. I hope you can come back and offer me your support in the future. If you create a diary, I'll be sure to pop over to your diary as well.
Hi Martin,
First off congratulations on getting through the first week without a bet, it often isn't easy just to go that one week, and as you've seen by your urges to check the odds, it is an addiction that gets in deep.
I see many of the same traits in your first post both in myself and many other people on here, while our individual vices can change, it is that urge to chase losses that makes us all united against this foe.
While you can't afford to gamble it may not be an issue, but once you start having money back in your account that's when the temptations really start to bite. It is usually a smart move to get the blocks in place and use some form of software blocker if online gambling is your particular vice.
I hope to follow your diary as you get back on track to the life you want.
All the best
Ryan
Hi Martin, Thanks for taking the time to post on my diary and for stimulating me to think some more. I've read in several diaries on this forum the words "recovery is bespoke"... had to look up what bespoke meant and learned that it's unique to every individual. It's true and I think this refers mainly to how we deal with battling our demons. There, you will simply have to learn what works for you. You'll get there faster if you realize that it will take some hard work and commitment and if you don't kid yourself. I certainly haven't taken recovery serious enough but have recently started to... finally! But what does drive us to addiction? I believe in most, if not every case, we addicts are running away from something or other which is too painful or difficult to confront head on and before we know it, we're caught up in something we had no idea we were getting in to. In one of your posts you said that you can't find anything which will replicate the feelings you get while gambling. I doubt we humans are supposed to feel that level of excitement 24/7 and that is something you'll just have to learn to get used to. However, I do believe that the people who find the most fulfillment in life are those who follow their dreams. You've mentioned that work is stressful and yes, there is some level of stress in every job. That stress is most difficult to deal with when you're in a job which you generally don't like or are doing just to make a living. You've also mentioned that you are only responsible to yourself in that you have no gf or kids and you're 25. FANTASTIC! And clearly you have some insights into yourself or you wouldn't be on this forum. A great life lies ahead for you IF you take responsibility and create it. Oh how I wish I was 25 again! My advice to you is, of course, to get a grip on the gambling problem and pay off your debts, but also to start thinking very deeply about what you want in life and who you really are. What makes you happy? Are you following your own dream or someone else's (ie: placating parents, etc.) ? If you don't know then I'd suggest that you think about what really turned your crank and got you excited as a child and explore that. Your path in life is likely in some way, directly or indirectly, related to that. Get counselling if needed. Do whatever it takes to really learn to know yourself. DARE to follow your dreams, no matter how long or twisted that road is! I believe if you're passionate about it (and realistic in that if you're 5 feet tall you won't be a professional basketball player), success will come. I'm not sure if I am advising well here as I may merely be projecting my own reality on to you (because I did not follow my dreams...) but I do know that many folks end up with massive regrets later in life because they didn't have the courage/patience/tenacity (and also encouragement) to discover and follow their dreams. Best to you!
Hello Martin,
I'll be sure to offer as much support as possible. I hope you can keep your self occupied this weekend as I know I will be doing my best too.
Im not sure I will be starting a diary myself however I am quite keen to visit a GA meeting so I will let you know how this goes.
All the best
Luke
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