3 months to change my life

Day 101.

I feel more grounded. Spent hours reading the diaries.

The ones who post daily seem to slip up less.

Even just a one line seems to work.

It probably makes us more aware, which keeps us from being complacent.

Repeating a line reinforces it.

Think I will pick:

I DID NOT DEEP FAT FRY MY BRAIN TODAY

Suzy

Day 102
(A). I read so much of the diaries last night and came across feelings similar to my pink cloud state.
A pink cloud is recovery jargon to describe someone who talks about how great life is now that they are sober. In a positive way, this is great. After all the hard work put in, life becomes a beautiful place. In a negative way, it can cause you to become big-headed and think you are cured.
We will never be cured. We have to learn how to live without gambling. The writer on here described it as like being on a hot air balloon. Fabulous - yes. But you can come crashing down to reality. I need to let a little air out of the hot air balloon slowly, very slowly.
It explains my heightened state of happiness. I am not whacko. Whacko was spending ridiculous time and money on slots, horses and scratchcards. Don’t get me started on those blasted scratchcards!!

(B). Many of the diaries are heartbreaking and others give you so much hope to continue. There is one really lovely lady who is doing so well. She is learning to live within her means and goes back to the old fashioned way of saving up for things. I can learn from this. Go back to basics. She had a slip-up and dealt with it so well, she forgave herself easily and continued on her great journey. Her defences were down after having a nap and one of those 100% bonus match emails came through. I loved the way she understood what had happened and dealt with it. I learned so much from her story. It is so refreshing to read how well people are doing. I will follow her footsteps.

(C). All those years spent gambling have deep fat fried my brain. I did not give it oxygen. How did I function? How did I do my job? How did nobody notice???

I hid it. I hid it so well.

I can turn any negative into a positive, but cannot figure out how the “skill” of hiding stuff can be used constructively. Can you??

Anyway I am scraping away all those manky layers of yucky old grease and fat from my brain. I am giving it oxygen. I am retraining it. It is working and I am loving it.

I am singing ( I don’t have a note in my head).

When I wrote the line above I sang the McDonalds “I’m loving it”

When I reach for the mouse to write my update, I sing “to write it all down” …. Lyrics from Beautiful South x “Song For Whoever”.

When I write the words, Beautiful South I am reminded that I live in the beautiful west of Ireland.

My brain is functioning the way it should.

Have a lovely day and don’t fry your brains !!!!!!
Suzy

Hi Suzy

102 days is amazing.

I found hiding my addiction over the years was far too easy to do, because to me it was the easy way out at that time ( what a joke) there was no easy way out, but admitting my addiction and being totally honest with my OH and sons was my first big turning point.

You are doing fantastically well, keep doing what you are doing because it is working for you.

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Day 103

I have decided not to over-analyse my Recovery. I did the hard work and got great results.

The hypnotherapist was A1.

He put such lovely thoughts into my subconscious and gave me a CD. I listen to it and it re affirms everything he said. It continues to go into my subconscious.

There are one set of brain experts who help create the environment to lure us in and another set of the same brain experts who help to re -train our brains!
There must be no unemployment in that line of work!!

I don't need to understand the mechanics . I just gotta enjoy it and learn my lesson well.

I think I knew even as I wasted the money that it was illogical. It went against everything I believe in.
This made it harder for me. I would shake my head to try to clear it. I was so frustrated.

Looking back I think Day 1 is such an important day. We have made one of the biggest decisions of our life . Anyone reading this on Day 1... Your journey has already started. It's a small number but a huge step.

I did not fry my brain today !!
Suzy

Day 104

The hypnotherapist taught me to use "visualisation techniques".

I talk incessantly about how gambling deep fat fried my brain.

In my minds eye I can see that deep fat fried brain in all it's technicolor.

It is as real to me as all the tabloids on heart disease.

This technique has become automatic to me now.

I say I can see the food Duncs describes. I can taste it. I can even smell it. Top chefs describe their food in glowing terms. It whets our appetite. It gets our digestive juices flowing.

They are using visualisation techniques.

It works!!

Find an image that fits your Recovery.

Practise it.

It is not hocus-pocus.

The brain is very complex. We have to re-train it.

Have a great day,

Suzy

Day 105

Life is good without gambling.

Suzy

Well done suzy. Such a great read and what an inspiration. I like the deep fried brain analysis, so true that when we are gambling we have no time, no oxygen for anything else. Already reading duncs diary and will add yours to my list. Only 10 days in after multiple relapses although the last one was quick but very painful, never want to be there again.

Hi Suzy,

I am only 3 days into my latest attempt at stopping. I wanted to let you know that I found your posts inspiring, positive and educational. I am also trying to learn from them and turn the negative aspects of this illness or way of being into positives. I have literally taken the phrase of a two edged sword to describe my condition. Visualising it as a razor sharp weapon in my hands that can be a either a powerful asset or something that could harm me or even kill me has really helped. I got that after reading your posts. I also don't want to spend time regretting the last 20 years of my life because some great things have happened despite the blight of gambling. I need to learn how to use this sword correctly and not get sucked into the dark place where I turn it on myself. Not sure if this makes any sense to you but it has clicked into my head and I really just wanted to thank you for that. Keep doing what you do and I would love to join the century club in 97 days time!

Hi Suzy.

Thanks for your message.

Life is so much better without gambling in it, you are doing it, racking those days up.

Well done

Suzanne xx

Day 106

The mornings are getting darker, my life is getting brighter!!

Have a good one!!

Suzy

Day 107

Payday.

Money in the bank.

But I remind myself it was never about the money.

It was about my state of mind. Looking back over my bank statements, I shed tears. Not for the money, that's long since gone. I cry for my state of mind back then. It was such a dark place.

Money comes in one hand and goes out the other.

As long as not one penny goes on gambling, I get to keep my happy head.

I will not fry my brain today.

Suzy

Hi Suzy

Well done, over a 100 days now.

I agree it was never about the money. My friend asked me the other day if I ever won anything and I said I did but always ploughed it back in although I really needed it. It does say a lot about our state of minds at the time. If you won a million on the lottery you wouldn't go out and buy a million lottery tickets with it but that is exactly the frame of mind we were in. We were not in a good place and that plays havoc with any logic or rational thinking.

Money is so tight but I know deep down it would be so much worse if I was gambling with what little I have so we have every reason to feel proud and thankful.

Keep going Suzy.

Elfie x

Suzy

most of all

Enjoy it

you are the master of your own mind.

Your efforts have gifted you the reins

keep holding them.

Abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back

Day 108

Life is better than ever.

Not so much Pink Clouds, just on Cloud Nine.

I didn't get to the Cloud Nine stage without professional help.... Counselling.

Look for counselling:

(A). Many large employers provide an EAP.

An Employee Assistance Programme. If you ask the personnel manager/human resource manager, they will let you know. The employer pays for the course. You can be vague as to why you are asking. Gamblers are great at being vague with their answers. Say you have a lot going on in your head at the moment.

If they do have an EAP scheme, they will treat your case in the strictest confidence. Your immediate boss never gets to hear the fine details. It is put down to stress etc. When the invoice reaches the accounts dept. it is charged to "professional services". Your name is not linked.

This EAP scheme is used widely in multi- nationals & large employers. It may not be in the company rulebook of your benefits. If it is available, do the course. 6 sessions x an hour approx.

(2). Check your health policy- VHI

Chances are if you have to pay it yourself, you don't have it. But some employers pay it as a Benefit. Check your policy. Ring them and ask about EAP. They don't need to hear the G word.

(3). Tell your doctor. Mental health is just as important as physical health. He knows the route to take.

If you feel the urges returning after a long run of days, maybe you need a Refresher session. Ask Gamcare or whoever helped you in the early days.

Think of the urge as a toothache & get off and see that dentist!!!

Happy Days,

Suzy

Day 109

Monday mornings are not so tough without a gambling hangover!

Suzy