35 and ready to change

In a very similar boat to you right now, managed my longest spell gamble free earlier this year.

Only to crack at the start of this month. Currently on day 3 LETS DO THIS 👍 

I'm almost 78 "and ready to change" 🙂 I was recently diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder which is different than OCD - checking, counting, washing, etc. Ever since I've been Dx'd I've been compulsively searching the Internet for information about OCPD. In a way that's funny but it's an OCPD way. But what I really liked about your post is the "ready to change" part. OCPD is just one of many things that I need to change. But of all the things I need to change OCPD is the one I am most ready to change right now. Being Dx'd really helps me to see the huge pattern in my life of trying to use compulsive behaviors, such as gambling, drinking, smoking, talking etc etc to distract me from what bothers me the most... I am not comfortable with me! I must add that I am not comfortable with most people too. That explains going to the race track so mnay times, surroundered my thousands of people and yet feeling very isolated and alone. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to feel insolated from the world and being at the track with my money, cigarettes and coffee. And that was independent of whethere I won of lost! As long as I was doing my thing I was winning! Thanks for reading and all the best!

@hit0f4l2rn Well done on the long period of being gamble free. Just shows you can do it 🙂

@5ixnjhtf84 Thanks for the comment. Also thanks for sharing your story too. Always nice to hear from people in a similar situation. I completely get your feeling of being isolated, I think every compulsive gambler has definitely felt some loneliness!

Hope you don't mind me asking. Has the diagnosis helped with the gambling urges? I am pretty sure I have ADHD and have debated going to see a doctor to see if it may help me. But at the same time I wonder if im using it as an excuse for my irrational behaviour? I don't know. Hope you don't mind the direct question 🙂

Hi

The recovery program is a life save for me.

Hi

I walked in to the recovery program filled with panic and fear.

I walked in to the recovery program filled with many pains I could not heal.

I walked in to the recovery program feeling very inadequate insecure inept and with no self esteem.

I like many people did not stop gambling from day one.

I like many people felt very vulnerable at the mention of God or religion.

By attending the meetings I would understand that I could not recovery on my own.

If I went back to my addictions I needed to go to more meetings per week.

The simple truth was that money was the fuel for my addiction.

By having very little money on my person made my recovery much simpler.

In time when I felt vulnerable I would use the telephone list and talk and meet with like minded people.

In recovery the therapies were about my emotional sharing.

In recovery I would understand that I was emotionally vulnerable and would escape to my addictions when I was not abel to cope with Life people or situations.

In recovery I would understand that I use to react in some very unhealthy ways.

In recover I would get to understand that recovery is not about who is right or wrong good or bad but more about what is healthy or unhealthy for me.

In time I would understand each time I came out of gambling establishments after loosing all my money again and again.

That I was not a selfish person, but I was a self destructive person.

Some very painful events and trauma in my life caused many fears in me that I did not understand.

In my recovery I would understand that I needed to heal the hurt inner child in me.

This took time in meetings and time with counsellors.

The longer I was in recovery the easier it became to abstain from my gambling.

Only once I was able to abstain from my gambling could I start to heal the hurt inner child in me.

The hurt inner child in me feared being honest.

The hurt inner child in me was unable to have healthy emotional intimacy with my self and with others.

In recovery I would understand that it was unhealthy for me to procrastinate and waste my time.

I would get in to the healthy habit of writing down my needs my wants and my goals.

In my recovery I would understand that the only person that limited me was my self.

In my recovery I would understand that by being humbled to being an equal to all people in the recovery program if they can achieve new goals so could I.

How healthy do I want to be today.

I have been in recovery now over 50 years and understand that my addictions and obsessions just indicated how emotionally vulnerable I use to be.

Just for today I will not gamble.

Healing love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham