6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Another day without gambling.

A slow, boring one at that - but still another small step away from the misery & pain I was feeling 4.5 months ago.

For some reason, I worry I've become a 'glass half empty' kind of guy. I am stressed / anxious / depressed / sad today - and I tend to focus too heavily on those things. Certainly, I am:

- Less stressed

- Less anxious

- Less depressed

- Slightly happier

Than I have been in a long time. I am desperate to get back to my old self (whatever that was) but I am grateful that I am obviously moving in the right direction.

One thing is for sure - I'll never get there with gambling in my life.

Day 134

D123

I have noted my posts on here are becoming more sporadic / far less frequent, although I am still visiting the site every day or two to check in on others' diaries.

I guess I am reaching quite a crucial point in my recovery - approaching 5 months abstaining, the horror & pain of my last binge is gradually slipping from the mind. This is not to say I've forgotten it - but we CGs tend to have a very selective memory when it comes to gambling.

On the flip-side, I am approaching the end of an 8-week group CBT course which was organised through the NHS. As I said in my session last night, I am concerned I am moving into a dangerous period - where the determination & resolve to quit that comes after a heavy loss gradually ebbs away, and in its place comes an inevitability that I will eventually slip back into my old sorry habits. My rational self knows that there need not be such an inevitability - I have learned some excellent new practical skills, and as the old adage goes, I'll have no problem avoiding gambling today. And if I can do anything for one day...

Things have been painfully slow in correcting themselves elsewhere in my life. The mountain of debt I've created is still there, staring me in the face, and I am dissatisfied with work & life in general.

Having said all this, I am in a much MUCH better place than I was 4-5 months ago. I must keep reminding myself of this.

There is no inevitability of returning to gambling. The process of urge - gambling thought - gambling activity is made up of 3 separate parts, and the first need not lead to the last.

I am an adult, and I can make mature decisions.

Day 140 - Still fighting, still learning.

D123

Great post D123.

No harm in admitting you're worried about being complacent. But just coming on here and writing about it will keep instilling it in your mind that going back to gambling just isn't an option any more. It was a part of your old life that you know is better off in the past.

I admit that things are moving a little slower in my life too but looking back over the last 5 1/2 months I have to say I am a far far better person and for that I am very grateful.

I have 3 more years of debt to cope with(see my last post) and it kills me to see the loan payments leave my account on the first of each month but it is done now and until someone invents a time machine so I can go back and and slap myself incredibly hard in my 20's I will inevitably have to live with it. Obstacles are merely obstacles. Go round them, through them or over them but they will not block my path. I am on a journey to stay gamble free. No one said it would be easy every day and I was never stupid to think it would be.

Stay positive mate. Life would be so much more difficult with the gambling to cope with too. You need to pat yourself on the back for what you've achieved in the last 5 months. Go treat yourself to something. Get tickets to an event, have a short break away visit an old friend or just try a new hobby etc. It can work wonders for your morale. Don't think it Do it. You really deserve some reward for your efforts. 5 months will become 8, then a year, then 2 and the debts will hopefully be smaller. That's all we can hope for at this early stage of our recovery.

Stay positive mate and have a good week. Your posts are an inspiration to others just starting their journey. Never forget that.

G

Still here... still not gambling.

When I was last on here, I mentioned complacency was threatening to creep in - which has always been my biggest enemy.

Stupidly, I've fallen back into some other vices over the bank holiday weekend - has a bit of a blow out with mates, and not feeling to proud of it today...

Anyway, I CAN NOT and WILL NOT fall back into gambling. As I have said before, and will happily say again, gambling has beaten me up too badly. It has hurt me too much, and stripped me of any cash, purpose and self-worth I ever had. I'll hit 5 months gamble-free in a few days, confident I'm still moving in the right direction.

Day 147

D123

D123.

My friend of all the vices in my life I have lived with (there has been many) Gambling was by far and away the most destructive, a never ending cycle, an ever decreasing circle.

Time for that old joke again, hope to raise a smile.

How do you make a compulsive gambler a millionaire???

Start him off a billionaire!!!

Keep making the right choice my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi D123

Read your diary with interest. I'm not as far on as you, about 110 days of not gambling. I appreciate your frustration that other things aren't improving in line with your non-gambling.

I have a tendancy to expect other things to sort themselves out becasue I've decided to stop gambling. The old problems are still there though. I know some people do the 12 steps thing to revolutionise their whole life but I don't think that's for me. Although stopping gambling doesn't sort all other problems, it's a good example of facing up to a personal problem, taking positive steps to address it and showing resolve in keeping going. That spirit can surely be used in other aspects.

Cheers

Duncs/Cardhue,

Thanks for your supportive posts. It's great to know that, even when my use of the forum has become a little more sporadic, there are still plenty of members out there looking out for my progress.

Duncs - you are so right. Like you, I have gone through a series of 'vices' in my life. I smoke cigarettes (although not many) and have dabbled with recreational drug use alongside my mates. A clasically 'addictive' personality, I tend to get easily sucked in to new things when others walk away. But, like you say, gambling is by far the most destructive activity I've ever exposed myself to. 'In action,' I can do more damage to myself in the space of an hour than I would in months/years/decades elsewhere. Like a zombie, I'd deposit tens of thousands of pounds with scant regard of how I would ever recover. Whilst my 'recovery' is proving somewhat painstaking, I know I can never return there. No matter how much I become tempted, gambling is my worst enemy. It has dragged me to hell and back and I can never let it back into my life.

Cardhue - I have thoughts about addressing the 12-step programme, but like you, I've never been 100% convinced it's for me. Perhaps this is naive of me, perhaps it's a case of 'burying my head in the sand', but for some reason I've never been convinced my life needs to be changed completely. I agree that my impatience for other things to correct themselves elsewhere in my life is also naive. I get frustrated when I read diaries where people say they fell 100% better, and are out of debt/financial problems within weeks or months. My road to redemption will be a much longer/more difficult one. But I CAN and WILL get there

D123

D123

You sounds like an absolute mirror image of me. I am 29 years old and have also been gambling non stop for around 10 years. It seems like you have that all or nothing kind of personality. I am the same, I cant do things in half measures.

I like you have bet on everything known to man and cannot stop. I always needed a bet in play, chasing the buzz. Poker, football, most sports and in my moments of chasing roulette and blackjack have buried me many times.

I have gone 33 days now and hope we can support each other, it looks like you are very similar. The money obviously matters when you take a big hit for sure but don't know about you I have couldn't care if i won or lost towards the end. The bookies always get their money back, it just money lent to you.

I would also estimate my losses to be over 100k, numerous times of being in auto pilot zombie state, followed by sick stomach feeling. Those -£500 sessions that put you in a foul mood.

Also see we both have very addictive personalities who are always looking for stimulation. I think its essential to fill that void with a hobby. Me I play golf and ha really helped to get out in the fresh air. What are you into?

I wish you all the best D123 and hope we can all beat this and get into a healthy routine.

GL

Breakfree

Thanks for your thoughts breakfree... I'm about to check out your diary now.

Fellow members... Well today I've reached another milestone - 5 months (150 days) gamble-free. In truth, I didn't realise it until I just looked at the date on my computer.

I've just been posting on Tomso's new diary about how recovery can be a slow / painstaking process, and I must be patient in the way I approach things. All too often, I focus on the negatives - and think about how dissatisfied I am with work / how I'm feeling depressed / how I will never be fulfilled. But one thing this diary has helped me to do (a little) is to put things in perspective. I have my health, I have my family, friends and an amazing fiancee. I also have a mountain of debt... but no matter how much stress & anxiety that brings me, it will not stop the sun from shining / the birds singing etc.

So today... whilst I will no doubt fill my day with worry, I will also take a moment to be grateful. Grateful that my latest binge was 5 months ago, and today I have not gambled a penny. The scars (both financial and emotional) will be there for some time.

My recovery is only just beginning. Without gambling though, I may just have a chance.

Day 150

D123

D123

Fella firstly a massive well done for reaching the milestone of 150 days abstinence, a truly great feat.

Fella the one consistant thing that sustained abstinence delivers is a clearer mind, judgements not made up of snap decisions to cover tracks or irrational decisions to win it all back, as we all knoe the result on that front always finishes with the same outcome, more carnage. Keep take things at a pace the suits you, that gifts you the ability not to go back at it, I wrote on tomso's new thread about being on the recovery roundabout, a cycle of abstinence and destructive gambling repeated, I can see you have earnt youself the wisdom to see the road ahead there is a exit off the roundabout an exit to better things.

My friend I look forward to seeing you enjoy that road, a road your hard work will reward you.

Just for today, enjoy it fella. be proud.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi D123,

Well done on that 150 day milestone, something also to reflect on today and and be proud of.

A common trait of us compulsive gamblers is impatience, we want that quick fix, that instant solution to our problems and whilst in recovery we begin to understand that there is no such thing, sometimes its a long hard slog but if we stay in the now and learn from yesterday and not project to tomorrow we always have a chance.

Today is another chance for us to turn it around irrespective of how long it takes today we will do our very best, and thats all we can do!

Take care and pat yourself on the back for what you have achieved so far. Well done.

Blondie

D123,

Thank you for your post on my diary and congratulations on reaching five months gamble free, which is a truly fabulous achievement.

Reading through your diary you can see your development through that time and you are seeing the benefits of not gambling. I wish to follow in your path.

Tomso.

Another weekend successfully negotiated without gambling. That makes it sounds like it's a struggle - it's not, as much as the temptation is always there to regress.

More of a general thought I had over the weekend... that I wanted to take note of on here. Something I have noticed about my mentality... and something that I am completely sick of... is being unable to live in the here and now. I am constantly working towards the next target / goal / milestone - and this is something I've been doing my whole life. I constantly think... "when I get out of debt, I'll be OK" or "when I pass this exam / land this job etc etc... my life will be good." The crazy thing is that whenever I reach these milestones, I remain dissatisfied.

Two good examples are purely financial. Once, I had approx £25k debt, the other I had about £20k debt. Both times, I slogged my guts out and eventually paid everything off - thinking that life would be rosy when I finally got back in the black. Both times I went beyond this, and stuck some money in the bank. This is a situation I crave again now (stuck, as I am, in a shedload of debt again). But the reality is... this never proved the ultimate solution. True, I was relieved of the horrendous burden of stress & anxiety. I still felt dis-satisfied though, eventually returned to gambling and put myself back in the s**t.

This is one of the perverse things about gambling. Taking a step back - it can only create heartache, pain and financial ruin for me. But I think one of the only reasons I was drawn to it originally is that I am aspirational... I feel this constant need for more money/success etc etc, and gambling (as horrendous as it is) supplied some form of this.

Anyway... I've gone off on a tangent there. My point is that part of my recovery must focus on the here & now - the million things I have to be grateful for TODAY. I've spoken a lot on here about my amazing fiancee, family, friends - indeed, my life in general. I occupy 99% of my time focusing on the things that are bad / difficult, rarely taking a moment to truly consider the things that are wonderful.

Abstinence is no magic cure. Strip away gambling and all my old problems are still there. But without it, I have that much greater chance (and certainly more clarity of mind) to live for today and be thankful for it.

Still trying, still learning.

Day 153

D123

D123,

You have no idea the impact of your post on my diary has had on me today. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting me at ease with regard to my previous worries about my upcoming new mortgage.

I can relate so much to your previous post on your diary about setting future goals and perhaps becoming a little obsessed with them. I do this frequently. I am constantly making financial forecasts, which are ridiculous and then fretting when I don't meet my aim at the end of each month or week. This is no way to live. I agree I must focus on today. Today I didn't gamble and haven't made my situation any worse even if I didn't make it any better. I, like you, mainly abstain from gambling only to mess it all up with three days of madness setting myself back several months with regard to repayment of the initial debt. I still seek the answer - what will make me not gamble ten months from now. I say that because I went ten months gamble free and felt great only to destroy all my hard work through a moment of madness. I suppose we have to believe in ourselves.

Thanks for your post.

Tomso.