Without wishing to repeat myself (again)... today I need to take a step back, breathe, and put things in perspective.
Today there seems a bizarre ebb and flow of emotions. I am lazy, bored and apathetic on the one hand, but racked with anxiety & stress on the other. Currently I'm considering a change of career - into something far less well-paid, but hopefully much more rewarding on a personal level. Having been obsessed all my life with success/money etc. I'm not sure I'm ready to take the plunge.
Aside from this... my debts are causing me untold stress. Whether I take the plunge on this career-step or not is dependent on having some financial backing to get me through the studies/training. Also, there is a deadline to apply which is fast approaching. Realistically, I just cannot afford it - but I am also desperate to escape what I am currently doing. Knowing I had plenty of money saved (indeed, I was a wealthy person) until I sp*nked it all in 6 days of madness last year) is pretty tough.
So I am stuck on this never-ending treadmill of worry, anxiety, self-loathing & regret. From time to time, I've even considered winning some money back through gambling.
I know that is not the answer - as it will only make me feel more trapped when I eventually lose. One thing is for sure... gambling will bring about my complete destruction.
I apologise for the constant negativity in my posts. I am fighting this urge to be self-pitying, since it's a wholly unattractive trait.
Onwards and upwards! I will get there!
Day 155
D123
I guess abstinence brings great reflection on what we've done and could do better. We're all racked with anxieties about our gambling. Is it a genetic thing that we became addicted to something whereas others can live their lives without any form of addiction or is everybody addicted to something in some way? Unlucky for us it was gambling.
For me gambling created a thrill. Whether the thrill was winning or winning back money after being down heavily but that thrill just left me last year after another huge blowout. I fell out of love(strange use of the word I know) with gambling. It does nothing for me now. I don't do it any more because I lost the excitement it provided and came to terms with the misery that it really brought. Man I was in denial for a long time about it.
I'm lucky that after 22 years in my job I genuinely still love it and learn all the time from it. Not enjoying a job is tough on people who have anxieties. Maybe it is time for you to do something more rewarding. We all crave fulfillment in our lives to certain levels. Only you really know whether a career change is the right path for you. Whatever you decide D123 I wish you well. You have been a constant source of support on this site and I only hope you can find a way to put yourself in a good place. We have to be brutally honest with ourselves in order to find ourselves. Is your partner or family aware of your stresses? Lay it all on the table and tell them how you feel. Problem shared is problem halved and all that?
Good luck with it all. Head up matey. You're over 150 days gamble free. You DO have reasons to be proud of yourself.
G
Just a quick check-in to update.
Things have been very up and down for me over the past week or so. Some good, some bad, but really just craving some stability / peace of mind.
Still saying NO to gambling.
Day 162
D123
Thought I'd drop in with a bit more info today.
Still no gambling, I am proud to say. Aside from this though, I'll admit the last days / weeks have been somewhat of a struggle. Perhaps if there were some funds there left to gamble - I might be tempted to seek some escape in it. Due to my crippling financial situation however, there are none.
That, in itself, is belittling my achievement in not gambling. I know that in times of action, I've begged, borrowed & stolen to feed the beast. So yes, I should still look back on my continued abstinence with some pride.
Currently, my issue is that I find myself constantly stressed/anxious about my career & finances. As I've said on here before, I'm considering taking up a new career (switching to something FAR less well-paid) but hopefully more rewarding on a personal level. Unfortunately, I've really backed myself into a corner financially, and the prospect of heading into a new challenge - with a stack of debt behind me, that I'll be unlikely to pay for years and years, only adds to the anxiety. The alternative (to stick with what I am currently doing) feels utterly soul-destroying, as my motivation and desire for the position diminishes day by day. The longer that goes on, the less likely I'll be successful here and make some headway into restoring financial normality. Stupidly, I have put myself in a comfortable enough position (£20k+ in the bank) three times in the past five years, and each time sp*nked the lot).
As is my way... when things get difficult I sometimes find it difficult to cope. And faced with obstacles/uncertainties, my knee-j**k reaction is just to escape - to bury my head in the sand. Bizarrely, the more I have on my plate, the more I am overcome with procrastination. In the past, I have relied on drugs and gambling to offer that escape. Now, this cannot be the answer. As everyone on here knows - gambling can never be the answer, as it will surely lead to my complete destruction.
I have found myself wanting someone to talk to - to confide openly and honestly about the whole thing. I've spoken to counsellors in the past, but the cost is just beyond consideration for me now, as it only leads to more stress about money. The mrs has been away for the past week; she will always be there for me to speak to - but in all honesty, I'm never sure where to start and I am swiftly overcome with self-recrimination when I struggle to communicate things properly.
Anyway.. once again, I've gone off on one there. A tough week is coupled with the fact I've not posted on here; which is probably no coincidence... just writing the above provides some outlet. I should keep up my activity on the forum.
Good luck to all.
Still learning...
Day 163
D123
Hey D123
Sorry to read you're still having a difficult time of things. You sound pretty low.
If you're Mrs will always be there for you then show her this recovery diary. Let her in to understand more about your addiction, your stresses and anxieties. I take it she's not a gambler so she'll have a different perspective. Have you got anything to lose by it? Look at Duncanmac's diary and the way his wife has supported him and helped him turn his life around when he was at his lowest. It's inspirational and proves it can be done. She's the one closest to you so talk to her. Only you know if you're ready to do that.
Best wishes fella. Keep your chin up. You're not gambling these days. That alone is to be commended.
G
Maybe between you you can come up with a 3 year plan to get say 15K+ back in the bank. Suffer the job for that time- call it a penance and penalty for the gambling and then change the job. All sounds easy I know but maybe you can creat a plan to help you move forward. It could help with motivating you to better things.
G
D123
Fella Rome wasn't built in a day, try to establish some goals they will help you find focus. I believe we need to see results for our efforts or the addiction throws the old " what's the point ball"
as regards talking it through have you considered GA, i find talking to like minded folk in the flesh is a big help, through it i am working through the twelve steps with two of the fellas away from our meetings. If you are struggling my friend i would be happy to talk away from the forum. I would give you my email. I would forward some CBT therapy stuff that the honourable Mr. I.b gifted me.
We are in this together and me i will help wherever i can.
Keep making the right choice.
No bet today will better your tomorrow.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
G / Duncs,
Thanks for your comments - really appreciate them. I am working hard on becoming a 'glass half full' guy, as generally I can't stand people being pessimistic or defeatist. Reading back through my diary I'm perhaps not doing a very good job of it!
One thing is for sure... I have no chance of recovery with gambling in my life. And in all honesty, I feel strong enough to never let it back in. Abstinence from gambling is one thing that does keep me anchored / stable, and stops me spiralling out of control.
Just a little anecdote from this morning as well... Each day before I go into the office I grab a coffee at a swanky cafe in central London. Every morning, there's a guy sat there with his cappuccino and a broadsheet... he's middle-aged, smart, well-dressed, and generally looks pretty important. I always look at him enviously... thinking he must have a great job, be very successful etc.
Only, these past few days I've looked a little closer. I've noticed the only section of the paper he reads is the racing section & form guide. This led me to feel two things:
a) Pity. Perhaps, like us, he's a compulsive gambler, struggling every day to win back losses and escape from gambling.
b) Perhaps this guy is exactly the sort of gambler I always wanted to be - measured, in control, and doing it for the enjoyment. Perhaps he sits down, makes his racing selections for the day, places some modest bets, then walks away - win or lose. This is the sort of gambling I've always wanted to do, and in my fantasy world it's the way I can gamble.
I know the truth now though - I cannot ever gamble. Not even a penny. Past experiences have told me that one bet, however big or small, will surely bring about my complete destruction.
Whatever is true of this guy -a) or b), he is not me. I am smart enough to know that I must live my own life, and fight my own battles. My late father always used to say to me that you set your own standards in life; what other people do doesn't matter - as long as you're honest & true, whatever other people do is their own business. Ironically, many people probably look at me and crave what I have... yet all too often I am pre-occupied with competition/being more successful, and wanting what other people have.
Still learning...
Day 164
D123
A quick update from my end...
Decent bank holiday weekend. My team won a little 5-a-side tournament yesterday; aside from this, I spent some time with the mrs - ate/drank to excess, but generally had a decent time.
Gambling was a long way from my mind - and I am grateful for that. I managed to enjoy a jam-packed weekend of sport without really considering having a punt. Sports betting was never my main vice, but it was typically the thing that tempted me back/sucked me back into the madness. Before I knew it, I'd be plundering thousands in online casinos.
I talk quite a lot about other issues in my life on here (sorry about that) but today I certainly feel like a 'non-gambler'. And for that - I am very grateful.
Day 168
D123
Thanks for the post and support D123.
Good to hear you had a nice weekend and your recovery is continuing. Unlike you I can never have a weekend of sport without betting on it but my sports bets are completely separate from the other nonsense I've wasted so much money on over the years.
I know you have been on here before under a diffefrent name and we exchanged messages - curious as to your previous identity although totally respect if you dont want to reveal that.
Best Wishes
A note of what I just wrote on Captain's diary - important I keep reminding myself what I'm doing here:
"I really do wish you all the best in beating this problem. Like Duncs says (and I have said to you several times in the past), recovery is bespoke, and far be it from any of us to judge how you are managing this thing.
What I will point out is that I've been on this forum for 5/6 months now. Throughout that time, you've battled with restricting your gambling to 'manageable' things - things you can do in moderation and just for enjoyment. However, each time this has come back to your having another 'episode' whereby you become embroiled in compulsive gambling on virtual racing etc...
May be a time will come when you just decide to eradicate it all... For me, it is all or nothing. Like you, there are many forms of gambling I can do sensibly - but I have come to accept now that I will never be able to do them again.
As we've discussed previously - this might mean your life seems dull, and there is nothing to stimulate you. But this may just be the reality. I've been abstaining for almost 6 months; I've had no 'epiphany' moment... I am still in a shedload of debt... and I still struggle to find any parallel stimulation anywhere else.
But I am an adult. I have to take the decision to not gamble - ever - because it will surely bring about my complete destruction.
Keep fighting mate
D123"
Hi, I'm a victim of fobts, I shall do my bit to try to get these things restricted to 2 pound a max stake, I've wrote my story on 12 pages of A4 I'm in the process of posting out to all parties the church and council of Mosques to give them more ammunition in providing evidence of how these boxes destroy lives, my MP enquired would I be prepared to stand befor a lobby committee, The Daily Mail are showing keen interest in my plight,
The cold realisation is I must as Duncan points out is Abstain to maintain, I like that phrase, I wish it didn't hurt me as much as it does, I feel sick, I'm20k in debt, so brick by brick, day by day I can rebuild a life,
I hope your feeling ok, I saw a guy shaking ramming notes in and staking 100 pound units it was horrid I know how I just have looked, together we can do this ...
Thanks for that nugget, the government can restrict the size of stake overnight, it has a social responsibility to protect us, how can 100 a spin be for only? Savage amusememt for the bookies perhaps..
Still I will do what I can remember every Goliath has a David cheers ..
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
