6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Good to see you have pasted that post to me on your own diary as its one of the best I've read on here and should be read by as many as possible...I'm still fighting with myself over the best approach for me but I cannot argue with your words at all.

D123

Fella I salute you.

If we could bottle that post and dish it out as medicine, Wow!!

Keep up the good work.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Guys,

Just signing off here for the next week or so. Off on holiday with the Mrs and her family tomorrow AM.

Right now, I feel pretty confident that gambling is behind me. Despite some other difficulties elsewhere in my life, today I feel resolute - safe in the knowledge that gambling cannot be the answer. On my return from vacation, I'll be a couple of days short of 6 months.

Do not mistake my confidence for complacency. After all, I have been here many times before and always fallen off the wagon. This is an on-going battle, so I'll remain ever-vigilant as my journey continues.

Keep up the good work people.

Day 171

D123

Great words D123.

In our minds we can always tell ourselves we will never gamble again, and most of the time we truly believe it, but we must always guard against that complacency. That evil may sit on our shoulder forever just looking to prey on a weakness but that's where I believe sites like this one are a huge help. To have a platform to vent frustration, tell stories, to inspire and be inspired is invaluable.

Have a great week away with the family.

G

Hi D123

Well done as you approach 6 months without gambling. I've just made 3 months and I am enjoying the positive side of life. Thingsl

like holidays are much more easily affordable if you can stop haemorrhaging money through gambling, I have found!

You commented on my diary in the opening weeks of my recovery and I was grateful for your support.

Have a good holiday pal, Myles

Today marks 6 months free from gambling for me. Much of my time on this forum has been spent bemoaning the other shortcomings in my life and character; indeed I often struggle to find the positives as I try and further my recovery and mould myself into a better, more successful person. But I wanted to take a record of how I felt on 10/10/2012, so I can look back on the progress I have made.

It marked the end of a mindless 6-day binge, plundering tens of thousands in online casinos. I could not sleep. I was lying continuously to my fiancee. I could see no way out, other than to keep going and going until I won back my losses. A crazy thought, considering I've lost in excess of £120k in my life - £30k of which had gone within the past week. Deposit - lose - deposit - lose - deposit - win - lose - deposit - deposit - and so on, until there was nothing left. It's a habit I'd repeated countless times in my gambling 'career'. At times, I was staking £2,000 on the spin of a virtual roulette wheel - a sickening amount of money considering I am in my late twenties and certainly not a rich man. In the depths of madness, I steadied myself mid-way through this binge, realised I'd lost £15k, and promptly took out a large bank loan to cover my losses (banks love lending to me!). I set up a spreadsheet of where all my cash was going, and how I'd pay everything off. Within 24 hours, all that was gone too.

I remember vividly that Newcastle were playing Fulham at Craven Cottage in the Monday night game. I escaped momentarily to score some cannabis from a friend, then returned to watch the game in my flat. My fiancee was critical / worried about the amount I was smoking and we fell out. I was irritable & fidgety - practically shaking - itching for her to disappear off to bed so I could continue gambling. Eventually she did... and I continued online until I'd exhausted my last penny.

I slept in the spare room, and when she found me in the morning, I had not slept a wink. I was distraught, and am somewhat ashamed to admit I cried like a baby. Partly because I had suddenly accumulated a stack of debt, having worked so hard for almost 2 years to put myself in a good financial position - but more, because I felt I was back in the grip of this horrible beast. Having spent 10 years battling my compulsive gambling, I felt like I could never be free.

To me, this felt like rock bottom (although I am big enough and wise enough to know that there can always be something worse out there).

Fast forward six months, and I think I have grown as a human being. I am not better. I am not 'cured'. I spend a lot of my time stressed / anxious, and worrying about flaws in my character. But one thing seems fixed in my mind - I cannot, and will not, gamble. Life may be tough, indeed I may never find stimulation elsewhere on a par to what I can experience through it... but I can be happy and successful without it.

Above all, I am an adult. I am a man. I can make decisions not based on impulse or childishness. I may always be a compulsive gambler, but this need not define my life. Rather, whilst life can become difficult and unmanageable, abstinence becomes the rock upon which I can anchor myself.

There has been no 'epiphany' moment for me - no sudden realisation that everything is rosy and I am 100% better without gambling. What there has been is six months of reflection, six months of determination, six months of constantly reminding myself that gambling cannot be the answer for me. A course of group CBT sessions I did with the NHS has only served to reinforce strategies through which I will avoid ever going back to where I found myself on 10/12/2012.

My recovery is only just beginning, but I am grateful to have reached this milestone. I thank everyone who has posted on my diary, and look forward to pressing on alongside each and every one of you.

I am a compulsive gambler. Facing forwards.

Day 180

D123

Well done D in your tremendous efforts to remain gamble free.

Wishing you the best of luck to contine.

Feb.

Thanks Feb; I recall your arriving here and great to see continued progress on your diary.

Appreciate from others diaries this seems like a tough time for some, so will endeavour to post on as many as possible.

D123

Thanks for sharing your post. Engaging and gets a lot of my thinking. I've not been one to use stopping gambling as a way to a complete overhaul of my overall way of life. So always relate more to the ups and downs. I'm too cynical maybe. Not a dig, often wish I could throw myself in more.

Your post though caused me to look back at my own abstinence. I don't credit myself normally as what I'm doing is about bloody time - but can take comfort by looking back. My nearly 5 months has seen clear positives. Nice subtleties, through reflection and taking stock.

Cheers

Hi D123,

Fantastic post !! Full of honest reflection about the last 6 months, for me I never got the ephihany moment either, but I have always known every day that gambling wont solve how im feeling or reduce my debt or stress levels and it wont help me make the right choices and deal with all the other things that life throws our way..

And in the last 14 months I have found strength, an inner strength that I always knew i had but i lost it to gambling, A strength to make the right choices.

This paragraph, sums it up for me

Above all, I am an adult. I am a man. I can make decisions not based on impulse or childishness. I may always be a compulsive gambler, but this need not define my life. Rather, whilst life can become difficult and unmanageable, abstinence becomes the rock upon which I can anchor myself.

Keep building that rock and a massive well done on 6 months gamble free.

Take care

Blondie x

Congrats on the 6 months and great post outlling that period. You have taken great strength from your recovery to date and put some great posts on my and others diaries. You give me feedback honsestly and bluntly where required which is what I need. You realise I am going thorugh a frustrating period of questioning and soul searching and not feeling myself and I reckon you have been there yourself.

Keep up the good work.

P.s. I do envy you for only being 28 and taking this course - 18 years ahead of you in terms of age, gambling experience and money lost but behind you in recovery mode and seeing sense!

Hey D123

First of all a huge congratulations on your 6 months. Having passed that mark myself I know how proud you can feel about your achievement. To have seen the light and taken the necessary steps to break the sick habit of gambling must have been a huge step in your recovery. True we can easily create other worries and stresses in our lives but the sheer destructive nature of gambling and the way it changes our personality is something we just don't need. It clouds our judgement on so many other issues. Allow yourself a very big pat on the back my friend and stand very tall this week because you have done something truly amazing in the last 6 months.

Very powerful and honest reflection on your 6 months of abstinence there. You were broken, crying and at odds with your partner. That is no way for any person to be at any age.

Gambling has no place in anyones life. Keep up your great work and I thank you for your continued support on here. You have been a rock and an inspiration to me and no doubt so many others.

Supporting you always.

G

Thanks people for the supportive posts.

Currently going through a very stressful time at work right now; nothing to do with the work itself, but I'm a partner within a small start-up firm and we're going through some restructuring on partnership/shareholder agreements etc. If that sounds 'big time,' it's not, and sums of money we're talking here are minimal.

The point is I'm overcome with anxiety and paranoia about how things are being handled. Whilst I share a good relationship with the other guys, I have this nagging fear I'll somehow be screwed over. They have no idea of my gambling debts, or what a financial state I'm in generally - so it's really important I get things right.

I've sought some informal legal advice from friends in the business, but really I need some professional help. I don't have the funds to do this - and really it's sufficiently complex that help from an independent (e.g. CAB or something) is unlikely to cut it.

Sorry - none of this is really gambling-related (just felt I needed somewhere to vent), but what I will say is the more stressed/anxious I feel, the more inclined I am to bury my head in the sand and find some form of escape. It's a really perverse thing, at the time when I need to be focused is when I am most inclined to rely on old unhealthy vices. I cannot and will not do this.

No gambling. That will NEVER be the answer.

Day 183

D123

I have had numerous work related stressful situations over the years which have led to gambling so well done on not sucummbing based on your current difficult scenario.

Hey D,

Thanks for your reply on my diary. Your words touched me and reason for delay in replying is I've been using my short commutes to read all of your story (as a side point, you write very eloquently!).

We clearly share a number of similar traits and I can relate to a lot of the emotions and frustrations you have shared but then sharing a compulsive gambling habit probably helps that alignment along 🙂

You have achieved a lot and be reassured that you are doing a lot of good things in your life although it doesn't sound as though you've hit too many breaks recently but you will. I'm not in any position to dole out good practice but my conclusion to my struggles is that I, like many others on here, have obsessive behaviour in my character and that needs to be fulfilled to stave off boredom with day to day life. Like you and Captain say,everyone s recovery journey is bespoke but I think the key for me is to recognise that obsessive tendency and fill my life with good obsessions and not damaging obsessions like gambling.

I wish you every success and yr diary is going to provide a good reason for me to frequent this site more often in the future. Keep up the good work and thanks for both your kind words of support to me and the inspiration your diary has given me.

WE CAN ALL DO THIS! 😀