6 Years On: Facing Forwards

I'm sure many of you have seen this, but it's well worth a quick read:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22934305

Day 188

D123

Read the article, and no opposition to a new shop opening, sickening really sickening.....but most importantly well done you on your 188 days and to have broken free from the addiction.

keep up the good work.

Phil

Some days since I last posted on here, and I'm naturally wary that my resolve and determination may be slipping.

I have not gambled - indeed, have not really been close to gambling. However, this week I have certainly entertained thoughts. Whereas for the past six months the slightest inkling of gambling has been shut down immediately with disgust, I've found myself considering scenarios in my head... fantasising about gambling before having a stern word with myself and shaking the thought from my head.

This is perhaps no coincidence. I have been wandering aimlessly elsewhere in my life - uncertainty at work has brought about procrastination, and escape into other vices (smoking, food, drink), where it should have strengthened my resolve and desire to steer clear of temptation. This is also borne out in the fact I've barely been on here for the past 10days.

However, I am here. In the past, this complacency might have opened the floodgates... eventually leading to compulsive gambling and another complete breakdown. That is just no longer an option for me. I can never go back there again.

Just need to dust myself off and straighten my head.

Good luck all

Day 191

D123

Thanks for the post D123, much appreciated.

You may well be right that I would be better after a longer period of abstinence, I struggled to get through 3 weeks though, ironically not based on urges to gamble but on the negative effect not gambling was having on my well being and other parts of my life.

Even after losing yesterday I feel better than I did when not gambling. I know that is sad but after so mnay years you get used to blowout days more and just get on with life again. For the recent 3 weeks with no gambling it felt like I didnt have a life and didnt feel human, like a robot. I'm not sure how long those feelings would continue before I felt 'normal' again. I just know that I have so much of a reliance on the drug of gambling it is in one way destroying my life but in another allowing me to function.

Hello all,

Appreciate I've been somewhat remiss at posting / commenting on other's diaries. Although I've been less active on the forum of late, I've still been visiting regularly and keeping tabs on people's progress.

The past days and weeks have been particularly stressful for me, as I try and reach some resolution concerning a legal quarrel at work. Nothing major, and it looks like we might be nearing some resolution - which is great (fingers crossed). I've found myself anxious + preoccupied, which is certainly a traditional gambling trigger.

I've seen my bro who's been back from the States visiting this week. Although we speak quite regularly, he's basically not seen me since my last 'meltdown' back in December. I found it pretty refreshing to tell him about my progress on the gambling front. As people who read my diary will know - I continue to struggle with some issues in my life, largely based around self-worth and my image of myself in my own mind. I explained to him that I am certainly still struggling with some aspects, and I have slipped back into other vices which are far from healthy (binge-eating, smoking, recreational drugs). However, I told him just how removed I feel from gambling right now. Approaching 7 months since my last bet - I told him this openly and honestly (whereas in the past, I'd find myself holding back, not wanting to promise abstinence just to set myself up for an inevitable fall). Whilst I accept I must address these other vices, the key difference is that their impact is 'slow burning'; they may cause damage to me over time, but nothing like the utterly destructive nature of compulsive gambling - which can leave you fine one minute, then completely ruined / suicidal the next.

The truth is - gambling has no place in my life, nor can it ever. He mentioned how down / depressed / defeated I'd been when he saw me over Xmas. He is completely right. I was like a boxer, lying prone on the canvas, spewing blood and begging for the referee to call time. Quite simply, if I ever return to that place, I'm not sure I'll have the strength and resolve to recover.

This might seem like I'm piling pressure on myself. Actually, I find it quite liberating. Whatever else happens in my life, that aspect is completely binary. It's black and white - if I abstain, I've got a chance. If I don't, then I don't.

Off on a stag do this weekend, which should be blinding. Keep up the good work all.

Day 197

D123 - Facing Forwards

Hi D123

Just read your recent posts, we all certainly have self doubt and numerous vices ! its part of being an addictive personality, i can feel an inner strength coming from within your words, they reach out to me telling me that you know you are worth better than to allow yourself to be torn apart by this life choking disease.

I wish you continued strength in your quest to kick this sickening curse we all have. All the best Dark Place

Thanks for your post D123, recently you have given me I think more support, advice and encouragement than anyone else on here.

Well done on the 7 months, you are doing so well and great you can make a statement about gambling having no part of your life.

D123,

I appreciate your message on my diary and the advice you have offered. Shiny has also commented about the dangers compulsive gamblers face when in a situation like mine. I have gave this some serious thought over the past week and a half and I truly fee committed to taking advantage of my current predicament.

As each day passes I feel better and better and feel more and more sure that I want to live a happy life as a non-gambler.

Thank you for your on-going support.

More importantly congratulations on your continued progress. You are setting a fine example to the rest of us and show us the way.

Tomso.

Just dropping back in here for a quick check-in. In the early months on here, I was posting once, even twice a day. It seems like the frequency is more like once a week now - which I guess is some reflection on where my head is now.

This week I've been guilty of 'coasting'. My work situation is still in limbo - but looks set to resolve itself (hopefully) within the next week or two. This has left me with some spare time to reflect + plan for the next chapter. In reality, it's been a week of procrastination, burying my head in the sand and doing very little whatsoever.

Complacency, boredom and in-activity represent the fuel on which my vices feast, so this is something I need to work hard to address.

Still... the sun is shining, dusting off the cricket whites for a return to playing tomorrow, and nearing 7 months free from gambling. Wish everyone a top weekend.

Day205

D123

Facing Forwards

Well done D. I am fast approaching my six months free from gambling. We are bith doing so well.

Have a great time playing cricket tomorrow - its going to be the weather for it!!

Take care.

Feb.

The heatwave goes on(!)... and thankfully the situation at work has finally resolved itself in an amicable fashion. This means I'm leaving the business on good terms - and I can finally walk away from a job that's been really tough, and made me quite miserable.

Because of my gambling past, this is tinged with frustration and regret. I've spent 5 or so years in the industry, and had I not been intermittently consumed with gambling, I'd have an incredibly healthy bank balance now. With many tens of thousands squandered, I'm leaving with a good deal of debt (albeit a smaller figure than I've faced in the past), and lacking a house / car etc. which I could easily have afforded with all the cash I've made and subsequently blown.

But... as the title of this diary suggests, I need to focus on facing forwards. What's done is done - I can learn lessons from the past, but I cannot change it.

So today I am relieved, if a little sad - and wondering what might have been. This also means no more hiding... I can't afford to procrastinate and wait for the next phase to happen. I need a job, I need direction, and I need fulfillment. No one else will do that for me though; I need to get off my a**e and make things happen.

Gambling? It's still there. The temptation always will be. But I feel a long, long way from acting upon it. Gambling hurt me too badly - too many times - for me to ever consider going back.

Facing Forwards... remembering the bigger picture.

Day 215

D123

Bit of a strange one in that no sooner have I been speaking about being completely removed from gambling, that I found myself constantly thinking about it.

Truth is, I've spent the past day or two thinking about having a small flutter on the golf. 'Thinking about' does not mean I've gambled, nor have I really been close to placing that bet, but the temptation/urge is certainly there.

This is the perverse way a gambler's mind works. On the one hand - I think:

a) I have never gambled compulsively on the golf (nor any other sport for that matter). I can do it with some sense of control/normality.

b) It will make it more enjoyable to watch... or at least alter my viewing experience completely.

c) I am doing 'well' in my recovery... have things under control, and surely deserve some reward for this?!

Of course, all the above is complete nonsense. The only thing that is certain is that once I start gambling... it will eventually bring about my complete destruction. One thing ALWAYS leads to another for me, and whether it takes a day, a week, a month, or even longer, it will eventually leave me in tatters.

I might even make a nice little win on a conservative golf bet. But then what happens? For me, the online casino / FOBT / high stakes poker will always draw me back, and there I will lose control. Tens of thousands will disappear in minutes.

Someone at GA once said to me how incredibly short CG's memories are. This is so, so true. Complacency bites you when you least expect it.

So tomorrow I'll settle in and watch the golf & cricket for what they are - fantastic sporting occasions. The buzz might be lacking... the excitement of following my picks may not be there... but I'll watch in peace. Safe in the knowledge that gambling is no longer part of my life.

Day 217

D123

Hi there, you've reached a good crossroads in your life and there are many exciting, rewarding paths ahead. Take your time to refocus and plan before deciding where to commit next. With a bit of spare time on your hands you're bound to get 'cravings' to gamble, don't allow them to influence your rationality otherwise a 'rut' will develop at this time in your life. Many people have fell in the trap of leaving work and then convincing themselves that they can get by with lucrative gambling, I was one. Remember, that first 'harmless' bet will change your mindset and have a negative spiral on the way your thinking. Cravings and urges are all part and parcel of recovery, some whisper some shout. Some are quite persuasive others are just echoes of past behaviours. Be strong and when you can't be strong make sure the blocks are there. I admire your positivity in burying the past and focusing on carving out a better future, it's the only way to succeed. If you continue believing in yourself and continue making the right decisions then you will regain that elusive control of your life again and with that a more fulfilling and content future I'm sure.

Enjoy the golf, cricket, cycling, athletics and each day you chose not to gamble.

Steve

Hi D.

Well said in your last post. 6 months today for me, and I thubk you also that we last placed a bet - lets keep it that way.

Like you, I am going to enjoy watching the golf and feeling relaxed whilst doing so.

Take care and remain strong.

Feb.

Another week or so clocked up gamble-free; the more time goes on (and I am able to occupy my time) the less intense the old temptation.

Having said this, I mentioned last week I'd been 'twitching' - thinking about having a cheeky punt on the golf. Well the one man I fancied (and tipped to every person I know) was Mickelson... and he only went and won it. I noticed from Tomso's diary he had a similar experience. I spent most of the weekend willing him to love. Naturally, things like this make me clench my teeth and rue my misfortune; after all, I could have won a tidy sum, right?

Wrong. That gut feeling of regret and frustration is ultimately short-lived. Duncs expression that we're sat in the winners enclosure every time we don't bet is totally true. That bet (win or lose) would surely have set in motion a downward spiral to complete destruction. Moreover, the tips I have that go on to lose are forgotten before the horse crosses the line. It's a 2-way street after all...

I have a couple of interviews over the next two days, then off to a festival for the weekend. Good luck to all

Day 223

D123