6 Years On: Facing Forwards

A quick check-in... Pleased to report my continued abstinence.

Have had a blinding couple of weeks (music festival followed by 10 days in Portugal). Feeling that natural depression that the holiday's over, coupled with a slight panic over needing to sort my work/career situation.

Also using this moment to knock a couple of other destructive vices on the head. So a daunting time for me... but also a potentially exciting one full of opportunity.

As always, I'll only stand a chance if I'm not gambling. I'll hit the 8-month mark tomorrow. Best of luck to all

Day 239

D123

Well done on the 8 months, long may it continue.

Best wishes

A period of stress & anxiety on the one hand for me - but also full of opportunity, as I try and find a new job/career path. So important that I find a real target in life - an ambition and desire... something to work towards in order to avoid the aimlessness and depression that's dogged my life for the past 5 years.

Have been tempted to jump back into something lucrative (but ultimately dis-satisfying)... know this isn't really the answer as I'll surely find myself back in the same position in a year or two. Equally, not sure I'm quite ready to hack something fun, but poorly paid (still crippled with debt and couldn't face the thought of many years in this predicament). Anyway, I've had some gambling urges but I know I'll have absolutely no chance if I let the beast back in, even for a second.

Also focused on quitting two further vices of mine. One is smoking... I still think of myself as a non-smoker, which is bizarre considering I've smoked on and off for the best part of 15 years... so the time has come to kick the habit. A strange thing happened with this: many have recommended I smoke these electronic cigarettes, or indeed use patches. In my mind, cold turkey is the only way to go, otherwise I have this weird sense I'm not really achieving the 'quitting' alone. This is very much like my previous approach to problem gambling - and it was only when I truly opened my mind to all forms of help (counselling, CBT, this forum etc.) that I gave myself a real chance.

So here I am... smoking an e-cigarette and watching England take wickets for fun against the Aussies...

Keep up the good work all

Day 242

D123

HI D123,

Wish you all the best in finding what inspires you in your work life, its so easy to wander around aimlessly with no goals or direction and considering we spend so much time in work for me its really important.

I comend you on the no smoking and even more so on getting some help in stopping, I to thought it a terrible weakness to ask for help I would of much rather torture myself and go it alone.

Those days are gone, its actually a sign of strength and knowing your own limitations and using the resources that are out there to make it easier.

Enjoy the cricket and the E- Cig, beauty is you can smoke them anywhere 🙂

take care

blondie

Thanks for the post D123

Good that you understand where I'm coming from re a mundane life. Some would think a description like that was depression. I wouldnt be afraid to admit if that was the case but its far from it, I'm just very analytical and realise after many years of analysis that I dont have a varied amount of interests like a lot of others so dealing with boredom and time passing is part of my life and always will be. I'd love to experience the highs again but based on age and ability its not going to happen and I accept that.

Hope you continue in abstinence from gambling and smoking.

Thanks re post on Duncans diary. As ever you were excellent at providing an objective view and an opinion and a very well written post.

Still can't believe me posting an opinion caused such a reaction while many other opinions go without response but hey ho move on!

Thanks again for continued support, means a lot.

Ds123

Fella I thank you for your input yesterdays more so as the good that comes from this forum never ceases to amaze me.

Your recovery moves on with a growing resolve to do what's right for you.

Well done my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

D123 thanks for the kind message on my post. Always appreciated and always nice to hear from you.

Fantastic to read you're still gamble free. Congratulations on passing the 8 months mark.

Hope you manage to find a job that you find truly inspiring. It's not easy getting that special job in life. I guess many of us missed our true calling in life and look back with tinges of regret at not being brave enough to follow our dreams. I'm lucky enough in that I enjoy my job but it's certainly no where near what I wanted to do in life. It is what it is and I take the positives.

You were right in that I'm not on this forum as much as I should be. Been slack for a few months now but we know quitting gambling is bespoke. I'm ok at the moment and happy to be gamble free but I know i should continue to support others on here.

Once again thanks. Good to hear from you.

G

Another week without gambling... although I must admit another week full of procrastination, and little progress in finding a new job/career.

Something significant did happen to me over the weekend though. After several beers, and in the early hours of Sunday morning, I told a close mate of mine all about my journey over the past 10 years - the gambling, depression, counselling, addictions, GA, CBT etc etc. I explained all about the amazing highs and heart-breaking lows.

Until now, my family (Mum, brother, late father) and my fiancee are the only people close to me that know about these issues. I always wondered if I'd ever tell anyone else, but I guess now - approaching 9 months since my last bet, and generally making progress, I felt comfortable doing so. Me and this bloke go way back, and although he lives in a different part of the country, and we'll frequently not speak for months and months, he's a good guy and someone I trust implicitly. In truth, I have many other friends that are closer, and that I see more regularly, but none of which I would really trust to be non-judgmental, and to keep all this to themselves.

He appreciated being told, and was simply apologetic he'd had no idea and as a result wasn't able to help. We both agreed that blokes are pretty rubbish at communicating 'feelings' etc. and that the two of us should probably try and do more of it. Scratch beneath the surface of anyone - however popular, wealthy, successful etc, and there will be issues otherwise hidden to the outside world.

The next morning, I was pretty sheepish - embarrassed and a little concerned about just how much I'd told him. I need not have been, and although my recovery is still very much ongoing (a long, long way to go) plus it's easy to belittle these things (as I tend to do) I think this probably represents quite a significant step forward. My history of gambling and depression is part of my life, indeed it may well return in the future, but the answer does not lie in ignoring the fact it ever happened.

Facing forwards, but learning lessons from the past...

Day 250

D123

Just a quick note today... basically because I want to keep up the habit of checking in.

Still no gambling for me. Indeed, no smoking either for the past 3 weeks - although I feel close to cracking on some of the other vices I've recently knocked on the head.

I am still tempted by gambling - I think I always will be. Thankfully, the reality of any activity seem a long way away right now. Incredibly sore head today having spent all day boozing at the test match yesterday...

Good luck to all as we continue fighting this battle

Day 256

D123

Well done on day 256. I am at a similar stage and haven't logged in for ages but have just felt a few urges recently so I thought I would get back on to send a few messages of support and to remind myself that while being tempted is probably something I will always have to deal with, I still don't need to gamble. All the best!

A real timely reminder there from Diggory Boy... since I've certainly become slightly lax at updating my diary. The bizarre thing is I've still been coming onto the forum and reading other people's progress - I've just found myself feeling slightly detached from things. Certainly, new members will probably have no idea who I am due to lack of activity. I guess I am slightly reluctant to keep writing 'still abstaining / things going fine' because I have little else to add. I have a multitude of issues still rumbling on elsewhere in my life, but I'd loathe to come on here and ONLY talk about them.

I am not re-opening the debate here(!)... totally respect people can write whatever they want on here (indeed I do it myself a lot) just some of the other stuff I'm working through (career etc) I feel is best dealt with elsewhere.

Importantly however... in the past few days I've found myself being drawn back to temptation. I am not close to placing a bet, but I have certainly been entertaining gambling thoughts and fantasies. Suddenly the constant bombardment of advertising / freebets / promotions isn't falling on completely deaf ears.

Anyway, that just needs to serve as a reminder. I MUST stay on my guard. I must never forget what gambling did to me. It beat me up a hundred times over, then spat me out a crying, pathetic, penniless man. I will not go back there.

Good luck to all

Day 264

D123

Well done D123.

Not sure if you are aware but I had a moment of madness two wks ago which lasted a couple of hours and put paid to my 200+ gamble free days. Came from an email which I usually promptly delete. Anyway, got myself straight back on track thankfully.

Hipe you can stay strong and not succumb. It will be so much better if you dont.

Take care.

Feb.

A

Hey D123, well done on your journey so far and many thanks for the post on my diary. Please do not give in to the temptation, you felt my pain and I don't want to have to feel yours - you appear strong enough to substain so keep thinking of all the positives not gambling has brought you! Take care moving on xx

So today I complete 9 months gamble-free; a landmark worth acknowledging, and one of which I am certainly proud.

As always, I am busy berating myself for shortcomings elsewhere in my life. Still yet to settle on a new job, I have spent the best part of 6 weeks doing sweet FA - and procrastination is quickly becoming idleness. An injury has curtailed my usual football/fitness activity and I have been feeling pretty useless. But again (as I have done previously in this diary) I look to where I was in December of last year to give some context to the situation.

Last week also brought an alarming wake-up call, a timely reminder that I must continue to guard against complacency. Typically, I received one of many promotional emails from an online casino I used to gamble with. Offering a free no-deposit welcome bonus, they were trying to tempt new customers. In a moment of weakness/stupidity, I found myself trying to create a account in order to access the freebet... Having previously barred myself from the website, they promptly realised the duplication and blocked my activity immediately.

I took a deep breath, stepped back and walked away. Ever since, I've been toying with whether I should mention this on here, as I'm not proud to admit it. In the past, this is where I would accept that I'm crumbling, resign myself to defeat, and find myself again escaping into the horrible world of compulsive gambling. But I have come a long way in the past 9 months - learned some crucial lessons, and appreciate that I can ride these urges out and thus continue my abstinence. After all, this is exactly why I have blocks in place: they have served a purpose and prevented gambling thoughts from becoming gambling activities.

So today I am proud to reach 9 months. Still a hell of a lot to work on, but must keep reminding myself I'm facing in the right direction.

Good luck to all

Day 270

D123