6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Big well done on the 9 months and I agree wholeheartedly about guarding against complacency - I believe that is our biggest enemy. The temptation will always be there to some extent regardless of period of abstinence I guess.

History tells me that this sort of period is a particularly dangerous one for me (traditionally, I have lasted 9 months, 11 months, 18 months before slipping back into gambling). This means I should be as vigilant as ever.

The truth is this week I have been dangerously close to gambling. Procrastinating, relying on other vices, and failing to fill my time productively have all been contributing factors. There have been moments when everything has seemed just too much to bear, and I've come within seconds of tucking into a game of online poker/roulette. It has taken all my determination to stop myself.

The perverse thing about this situation is that I almost crave it because it feels like something 'productive'. When I feel low, depressed and aimless (as I have these past few weeks), gambling almost feels like I am doing something (i.e. trying to win money and improve my financial situation). The fact it gives me an incredible buzz alongside is just a bonus. Of course, the reality is it is the LEAST productive thing I could do in the world. I have proved time after time after time its completely destructive nature. One thing is for sure...if I start again I will not stop until I am completely ruined. When I think of the places I have been - both physically and emotionally - I am not sure I have the strength and resolve to drag myself back from there all over again.

Anyway, still here(!) and still abstaining.

Day 273

D123

Well done on continuing to abstain despite the cravings....although I appreciate how strong this addiction is, I am surprised you have such strong cravings after a 9 month period.

I am onl;y at 11 weeks but feel no urges and am in 'can live without it' mode despite seeing people 'in action' when I visit the bookmakers to place sports bets. I would be hoping that by 9 months not only do I still feel the same but that I am not even really thinking about random gambling, as opposed to daily just now thinking 'I used to do that but I dont need it now'.

Can definitely relate to what you say re where you have been physically and emotionally - I wouldnt want to go back there either.

d123

fella a huge well done on your continued abstinence.

I can relate to your emotions causing the gambler inside your brain pushing to get some prime time.

after all gambling became the star of the show in our lives for a long period of time.

through complete abstinence you have locked gambling away again but yes it does use our emotions to try and pick the lock.

For me those urges come and will continue to, it's there in our makeup.

through abstinence we can gift ourselves an educated choice.

be proud of yours and enjoy it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

D123

I have just had a quick read through some of your recent posts and can really relate to situation. I am now on day 194 and still going strong however I have also managed to abstain before for long periods before slipping back. this is however the first time I really opened myself up to the support around including counseilling and the forum etc.

also really resonated with me what you said about being complacent and also having thoughts of gambling at times when you are down or up against it and thinking (or tricking yourself in to thinking) by gambling you would be doing something productive.

anyway just felt the need to post given that I feel very similarly and have had a very similar experience to you it seems over the last few years. I find its always nice to hear that you aren't alone particularly with the sh*tty parts of the addiction.

keep up the good work!

I was moved when reading Charlotte's recent diary entries: evidence (if any of us needed it) of the utterly cruel and relentless nature of gambling. Indeed, I have found my thoughts returning to her situation several times today - I do hope she is OK and would urge people to offer their words of support.

I also thought I'd mention a small thing that frequently occurs to me, but that I've never got round to posting. Anyone who's played the FOBTs (presumably lots of us) should relate to this...

Just now I was using the self-service checkout in the supermarket. When you pay with cash, the machine makes that gurgling/whirring sound as it swallows the note - identical to that made by an FOBT. Whilst machines in bookies were never quite my number one vice, I have had many horrible experiences with them, and certainly gifted them many thousands of pounds over the years.

Isn't it funny... almost a year since I've gambled (and perhaps 2 years since I used an FOBT) that sound still send shivers down my spine. It engenders a bizarre mix of:

a) excitement, anticipation

b) anxiety & stress

c) overwhelming sadness at what gambling has done to my life

Who knows, I may always experience the same reaction. Either way, I know that I cannot slip, as re-entering that world can only bring about my complete destruction.

Day 285

D123

D123. I've had a read of a few of your early, mid and late diary. Many similarities, perfectionist, impatient, other vices. Yes. But you also have great determination. I really admire that. I'll keep a watch on your progress and hope those days become years. Good Luck and thanks for your post.

Hi D123,

Thank u 4 ur support on my diary when I was struggling and 4 thinking of me. It means a lot 🙂

Ur determination shines thru, u r doing gr8!

Stay strong and keep going 🙂

A quick check-in to mark 10 months gamble free today. It's funny - I still check this forum regularly (usually daily) although do not feel the need to contribute so much. This has been weighing on my conscience somewhat... since I have taken a lot of hope / encouragement / advice from these pages and now feel a bit like I'm no longer giving much back.

Life in general is still a little aimless for me, but this is largely due to the fact I am still job hunting. Once this is sorted (which, I hope and pray, will be in the coming weeks), I can see my recovery progressing even further. The fact that a serious footballing injury has ruled me out of action for 3-4 months minimum is not helping, but this is the reality - I cannot change this. The old (gambling) me might have thrown my hands up, complained that life is unfair, and stuck another £500 on the spin of a roulette wheel. No more.

I'll repeat what I've said a hundred times on here... My recovery is a slow, gradual process - and a journey I may only just be starting. BUT the reality of gambling is quite distant now. I've been through periods of strong urges in recent weeks and months, but I've ridden the storm and will hopefully emerge stronger each time.

Good luck to all.

Day 300(!)

D123

Fella

Today I simply Salute you.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Big week ahead of me this week.

Awoke this morning feeling depressed, disillusioned, and a little overwhelmed with my current situation. Was just reading an old link to a gambling recovery diary in which someone describes losing a £100k job in the city, only to find Sainsbury's subsequently reject his application. How the mighty fall.

This is one of my greatest downfalls - I am utterly pre-occupied with the past (and at times, the future) but completely forget to live in the here and now. I am so caught up in what I have achieved, earned and then wasted, I cannot be grateful for what I have now.

So... Pull yourself together D123.

What's done is done. There are things to achieve today.

One thing is for sure - I am grateful I have not gambled for over 10months. That will not change today.

Day 304

D123

Given that I have questioned the appropriateness of the 'worst gambling experiences' thread, it would be hypocritical of me to post something on there(!)

However, this did get me to thinking, and thought I might share something I never have in my diary before

Like many, my worst experiences are so numerous and horrendous it's hard to pin-point just one. I've squandered £15k in a day before; lied constantly to family & friends; played online roulette on my laptop at £800 a spin whilst sat in the same room as my Mum, pretending to work on my dissertation etc. The list goes on and on. Horrible memories. But something else is worth special mention.

Once, whilst at University, I crumbled after another crazy binge. I'd lost many thousands - wasn't sleeping, eating, felt like I was going crazy (every CG knows that feeling). Even worse, I felt like I couldn't stop. I drove down to see my brother in Birmingham - he has, and has always been, my rock: understanding, sympathetic, but also constructive in his advice.

I bawled my eyes out in front of him - and we worked out how he could take over my finances (again), and give me an allowance to enable me to carry on living. Understandably, he told me I needed to be honest with our parents. They knew about my problem (I had stumbled and fallen countless times before). So I called them - in a blubbering mess - to explain what had happened.

They were beside themselves with worry. True to form, my mother was angry, confused, and told me just how disappointed she was in me. Equally true to form, my Dad just wanted to know that I was OK. He told me to take care of myself - that everything would be alright - he told me how much he loved me and that I WOULD get myself sorted. He told me not to worry about upsetting Mum (he could look after her...).

Three days later, I was back in Uni at Leeds. I'd gone back to GA and started my recovery again for the umpteenth time. I was awoken at 3am by my girlfriend's phone ringing... I lent over to pick it up, and noticed that bizarrely it was my brother calling. I answered, and received the most devastating news of my life thus far. Dad had died unexpectedly from a heart attack in his sleep. The conversation we'd had three days previously was the last time we'd ever speak.

I'll not go into the details of his death, but suffice to say it was a harrowing experience for all of us - not least my Mum. What I will say is that he was an entirely fit, active 59 year old with no prior health concerns. Every piece of medical information indicated that this was an unforseeable tragedy; there was a minor defect in his heart that had always been there... and one day it just packed up. I went through a long period of blaming myself, indeed no matter how much everyone told me this had nothing to do with me, I feel that regret and sense of responsibility may always be there.

This was 2007, and I stopped thereafter for a long period. But, shamefully, I would eventually return to this horrible beast.

I think about my old man every day. I know he would be proud of my abstinence now.

Day 305

D123

D123,

That is an extremely powerful share.

I know you don't agree with the thread I started but I think posts, like your previous one, that are full of brutal honesty about our experiences and how far our addictions will take us are vital to our recovery.

I also think that newcomers can go to one folder and read horror stories detailing how far gambling can take us, which they may think isn't possible in their lives. We are all the same here it can happen to any of us. I have been reading stories on the thread and realise that I can still go much further in my addiction if I let it.

Shares like yours above will be read by many and eveyone, just as I will, will say quietly - thank you D123 because of your share today I will not gamble.

P.S. Your dad sounds like an amazing man and I am sure he is proud of you everyday.

Tomso.

Wrote you a message earlier this evening and my phones Internet died just after I clicked send weren't sure if it posted but obviously not. What I wanted to say was that everyday you don't gamble is a day you make your father proud and is a day you should be proud of yourself. Really well done on the 300+ days gamble free. A number I strive for but can only dream of at the moment. Thanks for joining the thread I look forward to passing the days with you and to celebrate the big 365 with you also. Keep powering through I know reading success stories like yours helps me believe that it can be done and keeps me going.

Hey D123,

Thanks for your support on my diary, I have just been catching up on yours and so much of it I can relate to.

It is indeed a daily battle but one that you have shown you can fight for long periods of time.

The story you tell about your father is such a powerful one, he would be proud of you now.

We will always have this affliction but it doesn't mean we can't fight the good fight and search for the meaning in our lives, it may not always be immediately apparent but by abstaining from gambling we are re-entering the human race.

Stay safe and strong ad keep up the good work.

Paulds