6 Years On: Facing Forwards

D123

I came back to thank you for your post asking me to come back to my friends & now just read your post.

That really is a heart rendering post from you and took something special to share it here, I guess so many people have already told you that you can not blame yourself, it is life and we know how hard it is.

Famous words someone said, "Laugh and the world Laughs with you, cry and you will cry alone" they are very true but your father will be very proud of you looking down, he did not judge you but just wanted to re assure you he was there for you. Well done for staying free of this disease D123, I will be looking out for you, Dark Place

Firstly, Dark Place, Tomso, Dave999, Paulds - thanks so much for your messages of support and encouragement on my diary. As always - these things mean a lot.

I've noted from the dates it's been almost two weeks since I posted. I am still coming on here (usually daily) to keep up-to-date on people's progress. The difference is - and I think this is quite natural in the way people use it - I find myself becoming increasingly detached from the forum. This seems to be a quite natural progression as people proceed on their recovery. The fact is the forum is constantly evolving... new people are emerging every day and it is sometimes hard to keep track & stay active. Having said this, I could and should do more to advise those people in need.

On a similar note, I must guard against complacency. I am approaching 11 months gamble-free... but have still failed to correct shortcomings elsewhere in my life. I still rely on other vices, and have yet to get my professional life properly in order. History tells me this is a vulnerable time (I have cracked at this stage twice before) so I must stay vigilant. Last week, for example, I was round at a mate's and he was placing a tiny accumalator on the Champs League; he asked my advice on a couple of selections - then once it was placed, I found myself tracking the scores with great interest. Not for a huge amount (and not even me gambling) but I felt that tiny spark that has, in the past, started an uncontrollable fire.

Onwards and upwards.

Today I will not gamble - because if I do, I will not stop until I have once again torn myself to pieces.

Day 319

D123

It has been a strange couple of days on the forum - seeing a few regular contributors wobbling (DMac, Tomso, SadG). My initial reaction to that is mixed... I know news like this may instil doubt and uncertainty into many members, seeing as guys like these have become the example/rock upon which many anchor themselves. Yet on a personal level, I almost feel this strengthening my resolve.

All this proves is what a cunning, relentless beast gambling can be. My sympathy goes out to all those stumbling (I have been there hundreds of times before) and I hope everyone rallies round and gives them support as they have supported us. Whether these slips have anything to do with being away from the forum I have no idea, but incidents like this remind me that I must be on guard - I must not let complacency creep in because that is surely when gambling strikes you down.

I am not one for religion (and certainly feel uncomfortable with any such connotations at GA for example) but it is at times like this when we as a community find strength in unity. Good luck to all.

Day 322

D123

Hi D123

322 days is an amazing achievment, really well done !

Interesting that you ponder if people's slips are somehow connected to not visiting this forum. I actually think there is some connection, reason being is that the forum gives focus and belonging and achievment. Focus to not concentrating on betting ! belonging to a community that has one objective, to kick this sickening disease ! finally achievment and recognition that we are recovering day by day and making ours and our family lifes better.

When i lapsed the first time after 6 months gamble free, I was sure that not being active on this forum was partly responsible !

Keep going my firend and continue to be a source of inspiration to others.

Dark Place /

Well done on 322 days and I agree with you that we can all take strength from reading about those who have slipped up but without complacence of course.

D123,

Thanks for your message of support earlier. I don't have much to say tonight other than thank you and well done on your continued progress.

Tomso.

Thanks for the post. Can't see me doing complete abstinence, certainly not my aim. If it were to happen it would mean other things happening in my life which meant betting on football and other sports didn't have a role to play. If that happens it would be by default rather than by intention.

D123,

Thanks for your recent support and words of advice on my diary, which were very much appreciated. I have been where you are with some good time behind my recovery and know it can be frustrating when you see others about to make big mistakes and how frustrating it can get. I appreciate the time you took to point me in the right direction.

Tomso.

Hey D

Thanks for all your support mate. I'm gutted I'm back here posting after a lapse and not writing about how I'm nearly a year free of gambling but I will draw strength from what I achieved in the last year and how much better my life and my relationship with my wife and kids has been.

The gambling gods prey on complacency and weakness. Always there, waiting for us to slip up. I have to ensure they don't get me again. The thoughts of going back to my old ways are a life I never want to live again. Thanks again

G

Wanted to come on here and post something which is of vital importance to me. I apologise in advance as it is not necessarily gambling-related, but it is an essential part of my recovery and I desperately need an outlet. I must be accountable to myself and this is as good a place as any to document it.

In two days I will be 11-months gamble-free - which is excellent. I feel like I am successfully arresting this horrible demon, and have saved myself from complete destruction as a result. The difficulty is (I am sure many will relate to this), my personality is completely addictive, and the result of not gambling is that I escape into other vices.

So, whilst I am able to provide strong, authentic advice to people on here (bordering on pontificating I know - I have looked at some recent posts and cringed, so I apologise), I am a bit of a hypocrite because I don't apply these lessons elsewhere in my life. My problem is that I smoke too much can*abis; traditionally, this has always been recreationally, socially - and has been an enjoyable experience. The problem is that now, it is just like gambling to me: a crutch; an 'way out'; a means of escaping from the anxiety / depression / realities of every-day life. It is not nearly as destructive as gambling in the short-term (which can rip you to pieces in the space of a few hours) but I realise not the long-term affects are really taking hold.

I need to face up to this issue head-on. It is quite a strange one for me: I have always been a high-flyer. I have an MA with distinction, I am a semi-professional footballer, I run marathons, I am a smart guy who has worked in some top, well-paid jobs. I am sure people who don't know me privately would be amazed by the issues I've encountered behind closed doors. But there has always been something holding me back.

Two things have happened to me recently that have brought the stark reality of this into focus. First - I suffered a serious knee injury playing football for which I will shortly have an operation. Then, earlier this week, I got rejected for a job I'd been in the running for. I'd undergone 6 rounds of interviews over the course of a month or so; it was a fantastic opportunity and one I was really 'buzzing' for. Their final assessment was that I was an excellent candidate in all respects - but just lacked a certain energy/vibrancy they wanted.

My reaction on both these fronts is to throw my hands in the air - think 'woe is me' and isn't the world unfair. But one thing my journey recovering from gambling has taught me is that I should look inwardly. I should be accountable and accept responsibility for my own life. Would I still have got injured if I'd not been dabbling in recreational drugs? Probably, but I only have myself to blame for not being in its sharpest physical condition. Would I have got the job? Who knows - possibly not, but at least I would know I am controlling all the variables, and if there was any sense I lacked energy or enthusiasm then I couldn't blame this on any external factors.

So these past few days I have embarked on a whole new journey. Like gambling, I have abstained successfully from this for long periods in the past without much difficulty. This time needs to be different though. This needs to be a permanent change. Almost 30, and getting married next year, time to take full responsibility and get my life in order.

Sorry for rambling... just good to have somewhere to document all this.

Day 328

D123

Ds123

Fella great to see you addressing what's causing you to question what things bring to the table.

Me I smoked a great deal of the green in my youth, never much of a drinker always a smoker, then other bigger buzzes were brought to my own life, to which I took open handed and to excess.

The story of my life, never done anything recreational, it simply is not in my mindset.

I go gung ho at everything, it is to my detrement on many levels.

So I completely relate to what you post fella.

Drugs for me like gambling started as escapism that much I know, both made me detached from life in the same way.

Today we face what is destructive in our lives for that be proud, keep doing what you believe in, fella 8 days ago I stopped and for three hours I gifted myself a huge lesson.

Gambling has no part in my life.

The substance abuse stopped 19 years ago when our eldest was born, an ultimatium from the missus, funny I wish she put gambling in that pot too!!

Still coulda' woulda' shoulda!!!

I cant change the past, just be educated for the future.

Thanks for sharing, for me a very relivant post.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

D123,

No need for any apologies. Your advice and words contributed to me bringing myself to my senses. A loan would have given me the chance to gamble again and it could have been a disastrous decision to go ahead with it. Besides, I am a big boy and don't take things personally. Feel free to give me as much abuse as necessary to keep me on the straight and narrow.

I appreciated your help. Keep up your good work you are doing superbly well.

Tomso.

D123

Great post my friend. I am a realist and believe strongly that when we are brutally honest with ourselves, only then can we really accept that we are responsible for our actions.

External things may happen that shape our lives but it's how we face our adversities is how we shape our future. If we can understand where we go wrong we give ourselves the best opportunities to fix those things we aren't happy with.

Your honesty is not only refreshing but inspirational and I will use that to strengthen my own resolve never to sink back to the mirky world of gambling.

I smoked joints for 10 years all through my 20's before I just out grew it and became bored with it. The days of getting stoned and belly laughing with mates was long gone and I just became frustrated at my apathy. This drug was doing absolutely nothing for me. Just like the gambling is now. I get no enjoyment whatsoever from gambling. I have outgrown it. It needs to be put in the past.

Thanks for posting that. It's a very useful reminder to me about understanding where my faults lie and about keeping necessary blocks and practises in place.

Have a great weekend.

G

I'll admit these past few days have been incredibly difficult. Without gambling, without sport (due to injury), without work, and now without green, my life feels incredibly empty and soulless. I generally pride myself on my work / my football, and during times like this it is easy to feel utterly useless - a mixture of apathy, anxiety and listlessness.

Experience tells me these early days are the toughest to ride out. Just like gambling, smoking dope has always been a way of removing myself from reality. So I am battling hard to remain adult about this. The easy thing would be to succumb; to withdraw into one of my old vices - but I must keep looking at the bigger picture. Good things happen when I behave well, and patience/hard work will bring results.

My poor fiancee is bearing the brunt of this. I am a bl**dy nightmare to be around right now; angry & irritable, and seemingly intent on taking it all out on her. She deserves better... in time I am sure she will get it.

On the bright side... today marks 11 months gamble-free. And whilst I spend all too long focusing on the negatives - the things I could and should have achieved in the last year - I am proud of my abstinence, and the fact I am finally addressing another fundamental shortcoming. One thing remains true: turning back to gambling can only bring about my complete destruction.

I wish everyone well for the new week

Day 330

D123

Well done on the 11 months and staying strong despite recent issues.