Thanks for the post D123 and I appreciate you taking a long term keen interest in my diary at such a detailed level. It is difficult to be sure in cyberland but I do think from our communications that we have many character traits in common.
No offence taken at your comments whatsoever. When I was your age I also had regrets. I have failed to take hard decisions and paid the price and I'm not talking about gambling here. Despite your regrets I hope you don't follow a similar path to me. Let me assure you there is a world of a difference to what you can do with your life at your age versus mine.
I don't mean to come across negative and pessimistic. I really do believe after all my self analysis that my thoughts and opinions are simply realistic and practical based on my circumstances. sincerely hope your life is much better than mine when you get to 47. I am not looking for sympathy at all I don't deserve any I have messed up my life through no one elses fault. I cannot say that I am ONLY 47 and who knows how long I have to live but I believe I am fully aware of my restrictions and limitations. But at least I have managed to throw the random gambling monkey off my back.
Hey D123
Our partners/wives/fiances certainly do bear the brunt of our behaviour at times. It's good and important your aware that your irritable and difficult at the moment. We know they don't deserve to be on the receiving end.
I've still never told my wife about all my losses. Never had the courage but I know that the last 10 months whilst I was gamble free was the best time of our 10 years together.
Hang in there mate. You'll both reap the rewards. I'm surprised that someone who is/was a semi professional footballer would smoke so much weed, what with being so in to your fitness. Do you coach at all? or would you coach? Shame to let your experiences go to waste and could be a great distraction for you and incredibly rewarding. Just a thought.
Have a great week.
G
It's certainly true that I am a complete contradiction. I am sure many on here will relate to this.
On the one hand - and in the public eye - I am a good person. I am popular. I am successful. I am smart. I have an MA from a top university. I have worked in some top jobs, and made good money in each one. I play football to a high level. I've represented my county in other sports. I've had a single-figure handicap at golf. I've run marathons in 3h15mins. People like me. I do well.
Sorry - I really hope none of that sounds like bragging; not my intention.
The other part of me is entirely opposite. It is hell-bent on self-destruction. I gamble. I smoke. I take drugs. I am crippled by low self-esteem. I am self-critical almost to the point of exhaustion. I can never be good enough. I am short-tempered, jealous and judgemental. I am depressed. Sometimes I'm almost suicidal. I have no idea what to do with my life, and this fills me with stress, anxiety and further self-recrimination. No amount of advice, therapy or counselling has ever really got to the bottom of this.
So this struggle within me is an ongoing one. The majority of the time 'good' manages to overcome 'bad', but just lately it's been the reverse. It is suffocating in nature. Stripping away my emotional 'crutches' (gambling and cannabis) makes this all the more bleak... but I am adult enough to know this is what I must do. In the midst of all this, I am proud of my abstinence and appreciate it will eventually gift me the clarity and head-space to resolve my issues in the long-term.
So today I am fighting - keeping my head above water, riding out the bad times, safe in the knowledge that there must be better to come.
Good things happen when I take sensible, adult choices. For now, I'll continue to do just that.
Day 333
D123
Just looking back on my latest entry - which was pretty bleak to say the least(!)
Quitting the cannabis is having a beneficial effect already; allowing greater clarity of mind, and more focus during a period when I am busy with several projects/job interviews. I have always been jealous when people on here jump up and down and talk about the miraculous effect not gambling has on their lives - when they see drastic results in their mood within weeks or even days. This has never been the case for me, but sacking the weed comes a little closer to that.
In general terms, I am approaching a year since my last bet. I've not yet taken the decision, but will admit I'm considering stopping using the forum. Of course, there will be many on here who will discourage this (I have advised lots of members exactly that, plus have seen countless times people drift away/become complacent, only to land back here with a bang).
My difficulty is that I can't help but do things addictively... In a way, I'm addicted to the forum, and check it all the bl**dy time. This is not a problem in itself - but my use of it has become passive. There are very few members on here that were present in the early stages of my recovery - of course, this is the reality, and the forum is constantly evolving. I am lazy and tend not to get involved with offering advice to new people - which is probably a shortcoming of my own.
Quite apart from this, it is a CONSTANT reminder of my addiction to gambling. Sometimes it's great - and it has helped me no end - but sometimes the way I use it is just an ongoing 'pull' back into the horrible world of compulsive gambling that I was a part of for so long. The next stage of my recovery should focus on being productive, proactive - and putting gambling to the back of my mind where it truly belongs.
Anyway... the enemy here is complacency. Definitely sticking around for the time-being in any case.
Good luck to all
Day 340
D123
Hey D123, yes you were right i did find your diary interesting. There are so many similarities there. Both 28 and have similar personalities. Also relate how you want to sort things out now rather than wait months / years. I am also very hard on myself which doesn't help with the feelings of guilt to what we have done. I am also a single figure golfer which i am trying to get back into that again. Keep posting mate as it helps to here other stories of people just like me who are have not been gambling for so long. I honestly thought it was at the back of my mind and hadn't thought about it for ages until one slip, so this time i am going to be more aware of it to consciously remember the feelings and affects of it. Well done mate for 340 days and look forward to more posts to see how you are doing.
Hey D123
I am exactly one of those people who will discourage you from leaving this site but I'm also very aware, and we've read many times, that quitting is bespoke for every individual. If you need a break from the site then take a break. Just come back every few weeks for a while. It didn't work for me I'll admit. I was down to posting about every 3 weeks. That was probably a bit too long for me now looking back. I will try not to go more than about 10 days-2 weeks at any time now. It's no coincidence that people on here talk about complacency. All this site does is act as a good regular reminder why we're on here. To rid ourselves of this insane addiction. Just be careful my friend. A year is an amazing length of time to have quit and you deserve so much praise for it but let this site still be your reminder from time to time. Take care buddy. Glad the weaning off the cannabis is showing signs of progress. You have a great week. Top man!
G
A re-affirmation for me that good things happen to people who make good decisions. I'll start in a new job next Monday which, although being considerably less well-paid than my previous work, seems interesting and engaging. It'll bring about the opportunity to work alongside smart, positive people. I had other options... but they were just a little too similar to the old competitive, aggressive, target-driven roles I've worked in before. I have no problem whatsoever with that sort of environment, but I think I'm a bit more aware of what I need to make me happy these days. I'll always want to make good money - of course - but it's not the be all and end all.
I'm in a pretty reflective mood right now. I'll start this job on 9th Dec. 10th December last year was the date of my last bet... The past 12 months have been no bed of roses - it's been a painful struggle that's brought as many ups as it has downs. But I can honestly say gambling has never been further from my mind. It cannot and will not have any part to play in my life.
The future doesn't always seem bright. But I have to give it a chance. The only way I can possibly do that is through complete abstinence.
Good luck one and all.
D123
Congratulations on the new job and well done on the soon to be one year of abstinence.
Good to hear you say the year has been a combination of ups and downs. Proves that removal of gambling isn't the overall cure for you. Hope you have identified some of the other factors which need to alter to enable your life to get better. Maybe this new job is one of them.
HI D123
Spent the last 2 days reading your diary got about 7 months through it and had to skip to the end as I could sit for hours and hours reading all the posts yourself and others have made but just don’t have the time
I am a few years younger than yourself however I feel your life currently could very well be a a soild projection of mine if I carry on the way im going
You make some excellent points early on in your diary such as requiring the instant fix after a relapse and not wanting to grind through months of hard work to beat this thing and also the constantly creating milestones that are unattainable or constantly dissatisfied with what you have I can relate to this well
Funnily enough I have also spent a good 2 years of my life dedicated to dope between 18 & 19 I don’t think I went a single day without a joint coincidently I was also at my worst point with the gambling addiction as well
I often remember blowing a good few hundred in the bookies till throwing out time and then would do anything on gods green earth to get some weed to ease the pain
Things are much better now I've knocked the green on the head (unless it’s a special occasion 😉 but my mindset is still heavily flawed and im not entirely sure why
Everyday I wake up thinking I should be doing something else/better with my life
Like yourself after the initial blowout I can now go for extended periods of time without needing or wanting to gamble but I then find something bad will happen I cant cope and therefore go back to the casino on self destruct
This happened last week and as a result I am now back to day 5 and counting
Anyway I have a question for you ….
As I can see you are nearly approaching one year “sober” I wonder if when you reach that day are you going to stop everything going on in your life and take note of your achievement with a reward to yourself and a pat on the back?
I note that your financial position may not allow for anything extravagant but perhaps something small or significant?
Very interesting read this thread.
Bit sobering for me as I laud myself on my own thread for going through the 50 day barrier and feeling no urge.
I guess in a stupid and ignorant way I've been convincing myself I'm cured after 20 odd years of this s**t. Anyway keep doing the right things mate, you've certainly helped me re focus and that's the reason I come on here.
Good luck.
Thanks to all those who've contributed on my thread lately, and apologies for not having returned the favour. Rest assured I have still been taking an active interest on people's progress - have just not been so proactive in my contributions of late.
Well today is the day. The 365th day since I last gambled. All too often I focus on the negatives - but I today I take immense pride in clocking up a full calender year. No one around me realises this milestone (apart from the mrs) since I have not told them, but hopefully I can approach it in the same way I have approached recovery - with a quiet, considered determination, and a renewed desire never to return to gambling. That horrible world stripped me of all my cash, dignity, self-worth... and almost my sanity. I've spent the past year trying to piece some of the that back together - which has been difficult. In reality, I feel like I'm only 20-30% of the way there. The debt remains; my anxiety persists; but I am steadily restoring order to my life and for that (as a mature adult) I am incredibly grateful. I've been back to GA, undergone some counselling in the early days, taken a course of CBT, and managed to be a (relatively) regular contributor on here.
As I have done on previous milestones, I want to make a quick nod to exactly where I was this time 12 months ago. I was sat in the same place I am now - the weather was almost identical - and there was Monday night football (Fulham v Newcastle). The memory helps remind me why I can never go back.
With £15k in the bank (and 18 months abstinence under my belt), I had foolishly been coaxed back into a 'harmless' £200 playing online poker. 6 days later, I had plundered tens of thousands in online casinos - chasing losses, not sleeping, eating etc. - fidgety, irritable, and completely unable to cope with life, work and my relationship. I escaped mid-way through the football to score some weed; my fiancee didn't like that but I shut her out and told her where to go. I just wanted her to go to bed so I could start gambling again online.
She soon did... and within a few hours I'd lost the lot. £30k down the drain in 6 days meant I'd gone from £15k in the black to £15k in debt. I slept in the spare room, and when she came to check on me in the morning I was a blubbering mess of a man. In fact, I wasn't a man in that moment - I was a pathetic, defenseless child. Utterly broken, I couldn't bare going to work. A week of madness had ripped everything away - everything I had worked so hard for. More than that, I was back in the grips of this beast that had controlled me for a decade. I wondered if there would ever be an escape.
There has been. It hasn't come instantaneously or easily. There has been no 'epiphany' moment - no sudden realisation that I am cured, or that my life is fantastic. Rather, there has been 365 days of taking the right decision - the only decision that will ever enable me to lead a happy and successful life.
Apologies for rambling here... I thank each and every one of you who has helped me on this journey. Off the top of my head - Duncs, Captain, SadG, Bear, Tomso, Feb, Jason, DP - amongst many, many others... I've appreciated it massively.
Good luck all.
Day 365 (1 year) - last bet 10/12/12
D123 - Compulsive Gambler
Hi D
A massive well done on the year's abstinence! Your post this evening is brilliant- a true testament to your hard work over the past year.
Keep up the great effort!
Take care
Irene
x
Ds123
fella simply wonderful to read, just what this forum needs, for the second time today I get to congratulate a fellow gamcarer in completing a years abstinence.
For it be proud, very proud and thanks so much for sharing.
Both here and away from the forum you have gifted me with both great advice and humility.
I simply thank you and salute you.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Well done D
Massive achievement and you shoild be well proud!! You are real inspiration
Keep it up!!
Sandra x
Well done D
Massive achievement and you shoild be well proud!! You are real inspiration
Keep it up!!
Sandra x
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