6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Ds123

Fella I simply thank you for sharing.

Abstinence, the gift that keeps giving.

Keep taking the rewards for the relentless effort.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

D123,

Fabulous last post. You most certainly are a beacon of hope for the rest of us. There is nothing better than knowing that someone is out there managing their lives and seeing the benefits of taking control and not gambling.

Tomso.

Hey D

Lovely post. I know exactly where you are coming from and can relate totally to most of your post. Maybe that's partly because we are more or less at the same stage in our abstinence.

Continue doing what you are doing - and so will I!!

Take care and remain strong.

Feb.

Hi D,

Great post and really inspiring. Keep on the right path, recovery only keeps giving, and you are worth it!!

Well done and take care

Day at a time

Sandra x

Great last post on your diary summarising your position and another great one on my diary - thanks and Im glad you chose to post it on my diary.

Your posts show wisdom and maturity beyond your years. (I was very surprised when I first learnt how old you are.)

Particularly agree with you re the need for the Forum being united. Only last week there was a post from a relative newcomer thanking 4 different users including myself for providing advice and stating an intention to follow that combined guidance.

Best wishes on your recovery from both gambling and the knee op.

D123,

I have reached fifty days gamble free today and feel great for it. I would like to thank you for you support. You have provided me with some great posts, which have served as a kick up the backside when required. I appreciate that.

I took on some of your advice and have tried some different things this time round. So far, that is working for me.

Tomso.

Just a quick check-in to note I am still gamble-free. Still monitoring the forum quite regularly, but the reality is faces change and I feel somewhat detached and I don't feel the need to constantly update.

No need to make any clean break - or to say I'm done with the forum - because I recognise what a key role it has played (and indeed, can continue to play) in my recovery.

Good luck all.

Day 439

D123

A really strange one for me last night. Perhaps it was because I watched a documentary all about the Pistorius case just before bed... but I had fitful night's sleep full of dreams/nightmares.

I dozed for a couple of hours this morning - dreaming that I had done something terrible. At times, this felt like gambling - at other times, something different altogether. But the feeling was so, so familiar. Those tormented nights - desperately trying to get a couple of hours kip, but knowing as soon as you come round the awful reality of the thousands lost (and the progress undone) will hit home - were utterly painful. Down the years, they are too numerous to mention.

This morning brought clarity (and massive relief). There is no place for complacency. My gambling past is exactly that (my past) but I must never forget the damage it caused me for so many years.

Wishing everyone a top weekend.

Day 460

D123

Hi D123

Really great to hear from you ! must have been a massive relief waking up knowing you were not involved again in the sickening world of gambling again ! i know those feeling so so well.

Wishing you continued strength and i will be ok, managed to screw my head back on and hopefully this latest slip was the last one.

All the best, Dark Place /

Just a few thoughts I've been having this morning about self-esteem. Everyone on here will know what gambling can do to your own confidence and state of mind, but I was reflecting a little deeper on what this (and other addictions) has affected me mentally.

Today I just take MYSELF more seriously. That sounds cringey (and a previous version of me would have almost wretched at how cheesey and self-indulgent that statement is). But I am coming to accept that. One of the reasons I am successfully distancing myself from addiction is that I take life seriously, and it treats me seriously in return. This is a real virtuous circle.

Whereas in the past I was only ever a nanosecond from throwing my hands in the air, chucking another £500 online or rolling another zoot, I'm a long way from that place now. People at work need me and respect me. My friends enjoy my company, and even look to me for advice, comfort (and banter). My fiancée loves me and needs me...and whereas these thoughts would have made me almost shudder with self-loathing in the past, they no longer do. I am BY NO MEANS the finished article, but I recognise the progress.

Addiction took this power and control from me. Moreover, it is capable of doing the same all over again. But today, I'm up there looking down

Day 480

D123

Hey D

Lovely to read that you are still doing so well. Month 15 for us both on our journey on this forum.

Take care and continue to go from strength to strength.

Feb.

Still abstaining, largely with little difficulty nowadays.

The next month will see me get married, and finally become completely debt-free. Clarity of mind, and progress in my life in general, have only been possible through not gambling.

Quite strange reading through the forum these days - I both completely relate to it, and utterly disassociate myself with it. We all arrive at the forum thinking 'this is the start' - that this is day dot, and the active members/posters represent the normal community. But the forum itself is in a constant state of flux; new people arrive, others stick around; some are successful, some less so - but ultimately it is the same stories over and over and over again. I am not criticising it for a moment - the forum helped me drag myself back from the brink of oblivion - but at the same time I find it utterly frustrating to read the stories. That may sound selfish or judgmental. I have so, so much respect for those who post diligently and offer advice and guidance to new members.

Day 508

D123

D123

fella always great to read that your continued abstinence treats you well

I understand the point you are making,I found this in my GA room,that the feeling of being on a roundabout if you like,going around in circles every week,in the fact that the new arrivals took the lions share of the meeting and the feeling of repetition in what was said

For a period I found this frustrating,thought the group never moved forward as such

I aired my feelings and was enlightened by a long standing member of the group (r.i.P Dave)

He said this

'my friend what if everybody thought well that's me in recovery,I no longer in need the pain the new members bring,I won't attend the meetings any more,I have taken what I need to which I am eternally grateful'

What if the next meeting there was nobody to gift the advice to the next person in need because of this reason,what if that person was you??

That had a profound effect upon my thinking,that actually the saying that to recover you have to give your recovery away is for me true.

Recovery is bespoke,you gift the forum in your own way,to post from time to time,to show folk that recovery works is surely enough.

A thread with 1 post for me is as important as a thread with a million,we are all equal are we not.

So again fella I salute your continued effort,you like me are a guardian of the knowledge that recovery gifts,we did not write the book,others gifted us that knowledge.

For me you pass that knowledge on in your presence here,for that I thank you.

I hope the wedding gifts you long lasting memories,a day to truly treasure.

Thanks for sharing

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi D123 - well done on your continued abstinence and all the best for your wedding.

I agree with you on the Forum being repetitive - this is frustrating but also inevitable given the nature of this addiction and cycle. Some post to help others regularly, I do so off and on when I feel I can.

How the hell you can be debt free after 500 and odd days totally baffles me. I know there are many different levels of problem gambling on here and I am envious of anyone who can be debt free in such a short period of time. Makes me realise how bad I have been in comparison to others. My definition of a compulsive gambler is someone who loses everything they have and then borrows everything they can to gamble. Those who do that cannot be debt free in a short time period without going bankrupt. As you know I have 8 years to go before being debt free, maybe longer.

Best wishes and thanks for your ongoing support.

I've just sat down to write something on here and noticed that today marks precisely 18 months since I last gambled. This is a pure coincidence (having not posted for a month or so), but appropriate nonetheless.

The evolution in me personally is reflected by looking in the opening pages of my diary. I started off a lost, depressed, confused and angry boy. Today I am writing this as a married 30-something man (an almost debt-free one at that). I am proud of the progress I have made.

There is a natural deflation following the wedding/honeymoon. The thing we have looked forward to for so long came and went in the blink of an eye (what an amazing experience though - to marry the woman I love); I am back to work, and must stay vigilant as it would be easy to fill the slight emptiness I feel with a 'harmless' punt. I must be adult about this, at the same time acknowledging the temptation is - and will always be - there. At the same time, the acceptance remains for me: I genuinely know that there can be absolutely nothing to be gained from my gambling. I could win 10 - 1,000 - 1m tomorrow, and it would be a complete disaster. Whereas in the past I saw some potential benefit/escape in gambling, I know for sure it will only destroy me completely if I ever let it back in. That thought no longer need be a prison - it is liberating.

Duncs: you are completely right. A counsellor once explained to me that helping others/sharing insight and experience is a key part of recovery. Perhaps I could and should be more proactive on here in helping new members; whilst this has not always been the case (rarely posting of late) I hope that my occasional updates have provided some insight or inspiration to others. I'll say again how much respect I have for those who offer their support tirelessly and selflessly.

Captain: as to clearing my debts, a former me version of me may have bought into your way of thinking... Again, I congratulate you on your progress, but I really dispute your assessment that there are 'grades' of addiction; your diary is full of comparisons; constantly seeking to compare and contrast your own situation with others. I only made genuine progress when I genuinely looked inwardly.

We are all the same on here, one way or another. I am the same as the man who has 100 of debt, as I am to the man who has lost millions. I spent ten years in the grips of this horrible addiction, losing 120k in the process. My latest capitulation saw me plunder 30k in the space of 6 days (having been clean for well over a year); I maxed out all my cards, took out two new loans, borrowed & stole from family/friends. I was depressed to a point bordering on suicide, not eating, sleeping, my confidence and sef-esteem shot to pieces - if this is not the mark of a compulsive gambler then I do not know what is. I make no apologies for the progress I have made in the past 18 months, nor for the fact I have cleared my debts in that time.

I earn a decent wage in the city and received a nice settlement having sold my stake in the company I established in 2011. As explained to you before, I achieved no 'epiphany' moment - my life did not suddenly become fantastic when I eradicated gambling. Rather, I stuck my head down, became utterly focused on recovery, made a target of clearing my debts, and accepted every avenue of support open to me (GA, private counselling, CBT).

It is for those reasons I stand in this position today.

Day 547

D123