6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Hi D123

Good to read a post from you - you are one of the few on here I have any dialogue with these days.

I envy you when you talk about how good it was to get married - never had that feeling myself.

Good that you have got to 18 months.

Thanks for explanation re the debt situation - totally makes sense now and for the record you are without doubt a compulsive gambler like myself but in your favour and to your credit you have arrested the situation much earlier in life.

I dont agree that all on here are the same one way or another. I think it is very important to make comparisions with different levels of problem gambling which people have which require different approaches. I have read literally hundreds of diaries over the years on here and in percentage terms I would say about 40% are compulsive gamblers, some have serious problems and many only have some gambling problems. What we all share is a need for comradeship and help but it can be annoying when you read of people who have spent more than they wanted to gambling in a few months but would never dream of borrowing money to finance gambling or stealing etc and make it out that their problems are greater than they really are. I think it helps these guys to see that they could be far worse like you and I but unfortunately for some its difficult to get the message across.

Little to report here. An absolute nightmare at work this week - but certainly not the end of the world, given the wider context.

Enjoying being married(!) and in control of my life.

Day 571

D123

I return here today in a somewhat perturbed state. Shaken - but not stirred, so to speak.

The truth is these past few days I have been so close to gambling I could almost taste it. Foolishly, I have allowed aimlessness, self-pity and dejection seep back into my life. The most important thing however, is that I am still sat here bet-free for well over 18 months.

The gambling carrot has been well and truly dangled in front of my face. Temptation has been screaming at me - not in the form of outside influences, just in my subconscious very slowly, progressively, allowing my to 'legitimize' that harmless 200 on the online exchanges. But this is the perverse thing - and something I have come to realize over many, many years coming to terms with this relentless cycle of addiction - temptation may have been screaming at me, but the reality of what I was potentially about to do was so completely disguised, the action in that moment seems almost insignificant.

It is more likely to happen when I am drunk or stoned (guilty on both fronts in the past days). But in that moment - there is no thought for the pain and destruction I have caused in the past. In that moment, there is no thought of the hours and days spent in counselling sessions or undergoing CBT alongside fellow addicts. There is no thought for 600+ days of abstinence. There is no thought of the impact on my family, relationships and self-worth that one moment of madness could subsequently create. There is no consideration of the fact that no matter how much I win or lose, it will never satisfy me. For this sordid, scheming disease only needs that one brief opportunity... it works overtime silencing all the counter-arguments, calmly hushing the logical side of your brain for that one tiny window of opportunity... then BAM. The cycle starts again.

In the past, when I have come this close, I have thrown my hands in the air - accepting the inevitability that I am back in the same mind space. That I am ready to gamble - and there is no option BUT to gamble. Today will be different. Yesterday was the closest of all shaves (I had clicked 'deposit' on the website cashier, and was asked to supply my banking password to verify the transaction, when I took a grip and switched the computer off) but I succeeded.

Life is tough - but good. I am grateful for my abstinence.

Day 604

D123

Fantastic post D and a huge well done in making the right (and best) decision for you. In a few days time, you will be so glad you were able to make that decision and you should be so proud of yourself for doing so.

We both started our journey on here around the same time and I am still reaping the rewards of remaining gamble free. I was only thinking myself today, how far I have come and to gamble now would undo all that good work and hundreds of gamble free days. It just isnt worth. Besides, I don't really think of it much these days, apart from coming on here, something I am considering cutting down on very soon I think.

Take care and be proud of your decision not to gamble.

Feb.

D123

fella we talk alot in our GA room about the two monkey's that live on our backs

The big one,addiction,the bully,it will always be there,it will wait for ever,wait for the days when it can whisper in our ear,goad us into the next punt,it takes good and bad feelings in equal measure to tempt us back,tell us where we belong.

the second monkey,the small one,the rational side of our brain,always fighting to tell the big one where to go!!

often in our gambling lives it is simply beaten,bullied away by addiction.

In recovery that little monkey gains strength,it makes us wise up,it takes the bullying face on,

Fella that little monkey did you proud yesterday

For it be proud

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

A quick check-in which I am pleased to say is still a gamble-free one. I've wobbled close to that line in the time since my last post, but feel I have broken free somewhat in the past week or so.

Just reading the through a few diaries - reflecting on these, and my own journey. I suppose the one thing that shines through is the need for complete and utter honesty. Not so much with others, but with yourself. Perhaps it stems from not fully understanding oneself/being truly comfortable in your own skin (both common tendencies of compulsive personalities) but there is a tendency to spin a yarn that 'I am OK' - that I am being proactive - that I am recovering. Personally, I think a one of the keys to long-term recovery is constantly re-assessing, being brutally honest with where you are as a human-being, how well you are doing, what you could do better and so forth. I for one am still learning and (trying) to improve. Good luck all

Day 629

D123

Hi D123

I totally agree, honesty is key. We often talk about the importance of honesty with others, but honesty with oneself is equally important.

Sometimes it's easier to not ask ourselves questions such as "am I really happy with this situation, or am I just people-pleasing?" "is this really a good choice for me?" etc.

Onward and upward!

f x

Just cruising the forum and found a brief diary I started when I was last in the s**t almost 2 years ago. Had no memory whatsoever of even writing it... makes me shudder to read it now. In times of (relative) calm, it can be so easy to forget the depths of depravity to which gambling can take you.

I cannot and will not go back there.

D123

D123, great to hear from you ! Pleased to hear your still kicking it in the teeth ! many thanks for remembering me, yes I've been and down with this illness for a while. Finally moving steadily forward again, take care of yourself my friend. Dark Place /

Often I find myself back here in times of struggle/turbulence...and now is no different. I appreciate these sporadic posts make my diary a slightly depressing read at times(!) but I guess the forum is serving its purpose as an outlet/sanctuary in times of need.

Right now I am struggling with work. I can't completely put my finger on why - but the past 4-6 weeks have seen me slide from being a top performer to thrashing around clueless at the bottom of the pile. It is the nature of my job (target-based) in that good times are good, whilst tough times can become increasingly desperate and frustrating. I've nurtured several new starters, who have since overtaken me in deals closed... For a man who strives on external praise and respect, this has been a tough time - and the more my confidence is knocked, the harder this becomes.

C'est la vie.

Life goes on. I'll fight my way out - without relying on the gambling demon to ease the pain.

Less than 2 months to go until I hit the 2 year mark.

Best of luck to all

Day 673

D123

Hi D123,

Less than 2 months to reach that 1 year goal, that is really fantastic going.

Don't let work get you down, your knowledge and training proves how good you are at your job.

Push through it and come out even further on top.

You are doing fantastic, stay strong and positive, you will soon feel better.

Best wishes,

Suzanne xx

Hey D

Lovely to hear from you again and well done on remaining gamble free - that is the important thing, especially at this difficult time. All credit to you.

Nearly two years for both of us (minus my few hours moment of madness last year).

Take care and remaun strong.

Feb.

As I approach two years without gambling, I've just taken the liberty of scrolling through a few banks statements from around the time of my last meltdown (Dec 2012). It is SO, SO easy to forget just how brutally painful and desperate the bad times were - but looking at this stuff brought it all back with a shudder.

My first thought was... wow - look how much cash I had back then! (I'd reached approx. £15-20k in profit in the bank having had a good year with the business). The second bordered on physical sickness - in a series of around 15 transactions, over the course of about 3 days, I turned that into minus £15k. Deposit after deposit after deposit - all to the same sites - and some as quickly as 10 mins after another. It was a desperate cycle of panic, anxiety, depression, and hopeless addiction.

As unpleasant as it is to look at this stuff, it is a welcome reminder that I can never again tread that path. I am truly grateful to be where I am today.

Day 705

D123

Hi D123,

I just read your diary from the beginning - an amazing story. Massive well done on 700+ days of abstainance.

Thank you for sharing your recovery. I urge others to read this diary.

So here I am... 2 years to the day since I last gambled.

I am not entirely sure what to say, other than that I am both proud and grateful to be where I am today.

I have toyed with the idea of posting in the new 'success stories' section but, whilst I think this section is a great idea, I can't quite bring myself to do that. Why? Because I know myself too well, and my recovery is still very much ongoing. Whilst I spent 10 years battling gambling and depression, I was full of empty promises, new leaves, drastic regimes - all of which made me feel even more empty and disappointed when I let myself down once again. Perhaps I am overly superstitious, but I don't want to be labelling myself as a 'success' just yet; I am settled, happy, content, achieving success elswehere in my personal and private life, and feel a very well removed from gambling, but for my abstinence to last for the rest of my life, I will need to stay determined and resolute.

How have I achieved two years 'clean'? Dogged determination and brutal honesty - not just with others, but with myself. In that horrible moment (when I'd lost £30k in the space of a week, and was racked with anxiety, desperation and self-loathing), I sort of knew this had to be it. But that is where the real hard work started. I truly accepted I needed every single piece of help and guidance available to me - the forum, GA, CBT therapy, private counselling - I did it all. I challenge anyone on here who says they're 'above GA' or 'don't need counselling' to ask themselves, honestly and truthfully, how much they want to rid gambling from their lives. These days, I no longer do much proactively (other than read the forum), but there is no way I could have reached this stage without first being totally honest with just how much help I needed.

Thanks to all on here who helped me through those dark early days.

Stay safe, and trust in the fact that there is a happy, successful and fulfilled life on the other side.

Day 730 (2 years)

D123