6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Still here, still abstaining (although must admit I don't recognise many of the faces on here these days!).

Life's not always easy... I just need to keep making adult choices to give myself the best possible chance. One of which - the simplest and most important of all - is to steer clear of gambling.

Good luck everyone

Day 1176

D123

It's been a while since I posted on here.

Pleased to report I am still existing on the right side of abstinence. It'll be 4 years on Dec 10th.

Wishing strength, courage and honesty to everyone on here.

Day 1444

D123

That's very good to read, D123. A massive well done to you.

I find it interesting that even after all this time you still choose to come here and acknowledge where you are in recovery. From a personal point of view I think this is maybe where Ive been going wrong. I go for extended periods of time without gambling and think I've got it cracked, to then placing small football bets which lead to huge losses on roulette and serious emotional damage.

Keep doing what you're doing, and keep updating your progress here. It's a fascinating insight in to what is possible without gambling.

Hi there

I remember finding your diary a very interesting read back in the day. You stopped a month before me. Glad to read you're doing well. Can't remember what your route to recovery is/was. Would be interested to read more about that next time you log on - which will probably be for your 4 year anniversary. Congrats in advance.

Louis

congrats on the almost 4 years, you gave me a lot of support a few years ago, unfortunately I am back on here now having relapsed but I can only take encouragement from the likes of yourself who have managed to stay clean and turn your life around. Best wishes

Thanks everyone for the kind messages.

Indeed - pleased to report I've now passed through the 4-year mark. I'd love to tell everyone I found the elusive answer, or that I'd finally cracked recovery... in truth there was no golden ticket. I still wouldn't necessarily consider myself 'cured,' rather I'm still a work-in-progress - in all aspects of my life.

Having said this, I take enormous comfort in the fact I am well removed from gambling. Not in a literal sense (I am surrounded by sport, gamblers and gambling all the bl**dy time!) but I feel there is absolutely no way I can succumb to it again. Not that I don't want to - or that I'm not tempted - just because gambling beat me up so badly over and and over again that I can see no possible positive outcome. I genuinely believe that I can never possibly win, and even in those moments when I have been close to cracking (possibly a dozen or so times over the past 4 years) I've known deep in the pit of my stomach the only thing facing me is anxiety, desperation, despair - and poverty! In a strange way, it's incredibly reassuring to reach that cliff-edge so many times and realise you won't let yourself topple over. That is not to say I am complacent; like I say, I am still in recovery, and probably always will be.

People reading this diary for the first time might think I've got it made, but believe me - I learned the hard way. 10 years of bitterness and destruction (along with £100k+ losses) eventually brought me to my knees. There was no golden ticket, no easy way out. I embraced every single resource open to me: GA, counselling, CBT... but more than that, stuck my head down and approached each day as the challenge it was.

It gets easier. It really does.

Recently, I've opened up to a wider group of friends and family about the experience. It feels liberating to do so. I'd like to think I can still spend a little time contributing on this forum - a) in the hope of providing some support and guidance, but b) because I still have plenty to learn.

Good luck to everyone - keep fighting the good fight.

Day 1461

D123

Hi all,

I made a great decision last night. As tough as this morning has been, I am wise enough to recognise that... but just wanted to record it here for reference.

I've just come into some money... not a life-changing amount, but a decent sum from my grandfather's estate. Having money available to gamble is nothing new to me; I've had access to various credit sources over the past four years, and my financial situation is generally pretty good. But the situation here was slightly different; an unexpected amount, suddenly sat there in my account - with various ideas around how best to use/invest it - but for the time-being just sat there 'goading' me.

Add to that a resurgence of 'aimlessness' I sometimes feel, crashing down after a bit of a bender this weekend, and I was/am in a particularly dangerous place. I tuned into the golf last night and there was one chap I really fancied: 6/1 going into the final round and I just couldn't see him losing it. The demon inside me said "go on, just stick a big chunk on him to win it" - and part of me craved that excitement, that connection, that engagement with the action.

Anyway, I didn't. My rational, logical thinking won out (just). I have worked too hard, and gone through too much pain and heartache to succumb on a whim. But you know what? That golfer won - after a playoff. Cue much frustration and feeling sorry for myself this morning. Oh if only... if only... I'd followed my instincts and place the bet, I'd be thousands of pounds better off this morning.

But we all know the reality. The truth is I won last night - and I won big. It doesn't feel like it right now, but that was an enormous victory. Each time I do that I strengthen my resolve further, in so doing distancing myself from a relapse.

No matter how much I missed out on, and win would only have led me back down that rabbit hole - to depression, self-loathing and destruction.

Keep fighting.

Day 1516

D123

Wow I can relate to your last post so much - I'm going to read the rest of your diary tonight for inspiration. However I had a similar situation the other day where I was convinced Swansea would best Liverpool 14-1 and as you may know they did . Big voice in my head saying put a grand on it ! Was gutted for a while but then actually thought about it . Number 1- I don't really have a grand spare at the moment ! Number 2- I would have cashed out at 2-2 (Swansea won late on) I bet you would have cashed out at the playoff hole stage ? Number 3 - if I m honest with myself I had other 'hunches' that day that I would have put money in that didn't come off . Number 4 - even if I'd win £14,000 I know what I would have done . Banked £10,000 played with £4000 . Eventually lost £4000 then dipped into the £10,000 - keep dipping in till I was down to my original stake - and then lost that. What's that phrase I keep hearing on here . We can't win coz we can't stop . You wouldn't have just won your golf bet and stoped and I wouldn't have done the same with my football bet. Your an inspiration to me . Four years is amazing please make it 5 (that's how long I have to do to get out of debt) I need to know it's possible

4 years is amazing, well done. I hope myself, and many others on here will reach such a milestone.

Still just about hanging on - no gambling...

My wife and I recently moved overseas - which has brought about its own challenges. I am job-searching whilst still working as a part time 'consultant' for the business back in the UK. This provides difficulty for me in a number of ways: a) working some strange hours, with a lack of structure and process, b) rejection in the job market, c) a lack of direction/purpose, d) the need to be 'proactive' - to keep networking, putting myself out there, e) the underlying concern of not really knowing what I want to do with my life! Package all this together with being in a new country, new climate, whilst trying to get settled (along with an injury that'll keep me off the football pitch for a few weeks) and we have a recipe for potential meltdown.

I am reluctant to say 'I am depressed' but I am definitely battling my way through a particularly low phase. In reference to gambling, experience tells me that it is in these periods that I am most likely to succumb... ironically, gambling is the most deceptive and destructive solution right now - but it often seems the only logical option. Yes - it offers the classic escapism, but for me it also makes me fees like I am engaged, committed and excited by something; in short, it feels like I'm doing something proactive.

Thankfully, the hard lessons I've learned in the past - along with historical self-exclusions I've put in place have kept things at bay. Online gambling is illegal over here in any case... but that's almost a side-note; there are ways around this, and an old version of me would have done everything to find them.

It's important I don't trivialise these urges - I need to face up to them with all my strength and battle through this difficult period.

Good luck to everyone; keep fighting the good fight.

Day 1589

D123

Just a quick check-in from me; thankfully still gamble-free, although battling the demons of lethargy, procrastination and anxiety.

I've come into some money via my grandfather's estate; a relatively small amount, but certainly one that would've had my gambling demons jumping for joy in the past. No longer a viable option.

Good luck all.

Day 1635

D123

Well Done D123 . 1635 Days gamble free is brilliant and inspiring to me on day 26 of my recovery

Angel Number 1635 tells you to move forward with positive plans and ideas as they will prove to be the most beneficial in all ways for yourself and your loved ones . Live your life being true to yourself and honest with others .

Keep it hope my friend .

In a moment of boredom, I just had a read back over a couple of my original entries (actually not on this diary, but in the New Member Intros section). Wow. Brutal stuff.

I know some people don't see the point in reviewing old material, but for me (in a moment of potential complacency) this is a stark reminder of just how bad it was - and how I can never afford to return to that place.

Good luck one and all.

Day 1652

D123

A largely 'circumstantial' post - but I wanted to find somewhere to vent. Given the situation - and the need for respite/release - I am itching to resort back to gambling; deep down I know I'll not find any of the answers there.

I've taken a couple of blows over the last two days. I guess neither are catastophic in the grand scheme of things, but that hasn't made them any easier to digest. Firstly, I've been in the running for an awesome job - in an interview process that's taken the best part of three months. Great company, great role - just what I wanted, and I've put a great amount of time and effort into the process. Long story short, I came a close second to another candidate; they wanted to hire me, but couldn't find budget to take both of us on. I've made a good impression - which will likely stand me in good stead in the future - but given my predicament (new country, limited income, desperate to find something), it was bitterly disappointing news. Stupidly, I've neglected other applications while this played out, meaning I'm basically back to square one.

Secondly, having spent 2-3 months out of competitive football, I've been told I need an ankle operation. Likely time for full recovery: 9-12 months. Sport has always been something to keep me sane, and it's something I may have to do without for some time.

I am desperate to find a release. Both a way out, but also a quick fix that I know will immediately make me feel proactive, excited and engaged. I know gambling will provide this, but equally I know exactly where it will eventually lead me.

Apologies for wallowing in self-pity. Appreciate there are many on here going through tough(er) times.

Good luck to everyone fighting the good fight.

Day 1665

D123

Over the past few days, I've thought long and hard about making this post. Given that I regularly advise people on the need for honesty and openness however, I think it's important that I do so. I would be a hypocrite if I didn't.

My (successful) recovery is still 4.5 years old. Having said this, I can no longer count the days - the reason being that I had a slip/wobble on Friday of last week. Having abstained since 2012, I deposited £200 to play online poker. For all the dozens - if not hundreds - of times I have been so close to pulling the trigger, only to step away and remind myself of my journey - this time I stumbled and fell.

I'll be honest and say this wasn't an impulsive, knee-j**k gamble. The lead up was calculated and considered. With problems elsewhere in my life mounting up - and no longer able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders - I took a conscious decision to escape into the world of gambling. But I'd like to take a few moments to explain how that felt... and the positives I am taking for the experience.

Let me tell you... the minute I was in the action, I couldn't wait to be out of it. I won a little - lost a little - but quickly grew impatient and bet recklessly and impulsively. I was craving the escape: the unbridled joy and excitement I used to feel when gambling without fear or conscience. But I can never do that. From the split second I began, to the moment (with great relief) I lost the last penny a couple of hours later, I was gripped with tension, anxiety and self-loathing. I was embarrassed and ashamed to be doing what I was doing. Even with a win, there was no joy... only the increasing feeling of addiction slowly strengthening its grip around my neck and dragging me back into oblivion. It also reminded me that I am not a normal gambler - nor will I ever be.

If this sounds dramatic, it's because it is - and was. My experiences over the years at the hands of gambling have been dramatic... yet this cruel monster has a habit of trivialising itself: making small actions seem innocent or harmless, and not recognising the signifiance they represent.

Anyway, let's talk positives. I don't for one second mean to suggest that £200 is a pointless amount of money - it isn't. In the grand scheme of my life however, it is a droplet in the ocean. Compared with the £100k+ I lost before, it is nothing. My last meltdown (2012) began in precisely this fashion: I deposited £200 player poker, spent a day or so losing it, before launching into an online casino binge which cost me £30k. I am no longer that person. I feel like I have reacted to this in an adult fashion. Whilst I have not yet spoken with my wife about this, I have been brutally honest with myself. I've taken a step back, a deep breath, put in place my safety mechanisms, and thought long and hard about the journey that has brought me here. I cannot and will not return to where I was.

Strictly speaking, I've fallen off the wagon. Whereas in the past, you'd find me in a crumpled heap on the roadside though, this time I've taken a couple of short, measured steps and hopped back on. Understanding - and dealing with - a relapse like this is a vital part of my ongoing recovery. Having shied away from life admin (financial, physical, career) over the past couple of weeks, today I am facing it head on - making searching inventory of where I am, versus exactly where I need to be.

A long post (I apologise) but thanks to those who've taken the time to read.

A little shaken - but still in the game. D123