6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Thanks Woody. You are completely right... in my low points I've lost more money in 2 spins of the roulette wheel than I'm being asked to pay to he tax-man now.

My knee-j**k reaction is one of self-pity, and I'll confess I spent most of yesterday wallowing - feeling sorry for myself and generally being miserable to those around me. That's life... I jut have to be adult about it, and take it on the chin. I dragged myself out of bed this morning feeling unhappy, and it's turned out to be a reasonable day after all.

I find myself increasingly wanting to post on here every day. In fact, this is the opposite of what I expected. When I first started this diary, I imagined I might start off quite active, but then slip away as my abstinence continued. Having this as an outlet however, has proved invaluable - and the support-guidance of others is really useful.

Keep up the good work everyone

D123

Hi D123.

Well done on 100 days and counting. Long may your abstinence continue. It is heartening to read that you have such a good recall for the pain caused by your last spree. From my own experience it is when we forget such pain that complacency can set in. Great to see you offering such good advice elsewhere also.

Don't get too downhearted about the tax bill. You are in a better position to meet it than you would have been if you had been gambling these past 100 days. That's what Im telling myself as Castle Curly needs a shower refit and a leaky roof fixing!

Have a nice weekend pal.

Hi D123

Congratulations on reaching the 100 mark.

From reading your diary we sound like different forms of gamblers. You have the brief, devastating blow out. I was more continual - always chipping away about £500 a month for 15 odd years . We're sadly united by the same compulsions to gamble with equally dangerous results. Glad to say I've been free since January 18th.

BTW - I too got a tax bill totally out of the blue recently for £700. I phoned up the tax office and they readily agreed to spread repayment over 2 years so it is only £20 odd per month which gets deducted from my wage so no big deal now.

Cheers

Been a few days since I last posted... Happy to say those days have been gamble-free, and despite the natural urges, I feel well-removed from any real temptation to fall back into my old gambling ways.

This evening I'll return for the second of eight group CBT sessions, organised through the NHS. Still not 100% convinced this is a necessary process for me - but certainly open-minded (and sensible) enough to use any potential avenues of support.

Financial difficulties / stress / a general impatience to work myself out of debt are still a constant reality for me. Comfortable in the knowledge I can only struggle through these long-term if I stay clean. Constantly reminding myself of the hurt, shame & depression my last meltdown brought upon me - and I know 100% I can never go back there.

Aside from this - a decent weekend. My footy team defied the horrendous weather on Sat and racked up a fantastic win against a decent side. Went a bit hard on Sat night in celebration.. and still feeling the effects somewhat this morning....

Keep up the good work everyone...

D123

Keep on keeping on. You have come a long way and though you (and I ) have a long way still to travel you are moving in the right direction and must remember that any small challenges in life are nothing compared to the agony of being in the grip of an illness which makes us bet insane amounts on a spin of a roulette wheel, turn of a card or sporting outcome. For all its ups and downs life without gambling is still a life whereas life with gambling is just Hell. DB

Hey Desperate,

Congrats on your sobriety, my 1 on 1 therapy and group therapy classes have been a rock for me. I've learned a lot about the addiction and have been able to express my thoughts out loud with other people. It does you good to be able to speak your troubles and feelings someone. I wish you the best, your doing great!

Chicagoguy

Well done mate on your continued abstinence

We are pretty close in terms of not gambling now , lets push thru then to 150 days

All the best

Great to see you doing so well. Happy Easter

Cheers for the kind messages guys.

Haven't been on in a few days, as have been very busy with work / short golf-trip with mates.

Still no gambling for me. Don't ever want that to be part of my life again. Will post in more detail and take a look through some other diaries in the next couple of days.

Stay strong everyone

D123

Hey Desperate,

Hope you have a very nice Easter, and congrats on your outstanding achievement.

Chicagoguy

All,

Appreciate I've been notable by my absence for the past week or so. I'll be doing my best to catch up on everyone's diaries in the coming days...

The past week - 10 days have been a bit of a whirlwind. First things first, I'm pleased to say there's been no gambling... so I think I'm 112 days gamble-free now. Anyway, I've been incredibly busy - been on a couple of short trips (golfing, then to see my mates in Nottingham over the weekend). Have had several nights out / burnt the candle at both ends, and come back down to earth this morning with a thump. My finances are still in an absolutely diabolical state... I've been pretty careless over the last week or so - s**nk*ng cash around that I don't really have. It's all well and good thinking it's nothing like the amounts I'd steam through if I was gambling, but I think I need to be more adult & responsible about my approach to money. Being crippled by debt (as I am_ in no fun - it causes me no end of stress & anxiety, and I need to address this more carefully. Like I keep saying - recovery this time round is not just about stopping gambling. I know I can abstain with some ease; it's about bringing everything else in my life up to scratch as well.

My fiancee and I had a blazing row last night. There is no mileage in discussing things when either of us are drunk / tired - I know this from experience. But last night we succumbed anyway... I'd just returned from a 5 hour drive, and was shattered watching the football. She got in from a few drinks with friends, and made some comments I took (overly) personally. I really need to accept my responsibility for my part in this, but this morning I awoke feeling very hurt/sad, and a bit lost. Pile on top of that the depression of returning to work after 6 days off, and it felt very grim indeed.

I still feel that constant nagging urge to find some 'outlet' - some form of escape. In the past, I've turned to gambling, cannabis, and other drugs to find this. Now, this is not an option. However much I fill my life with other positive things, I feel myself lacking / inadequate, and really disliking myself.

I have to be adult. I have to get a grip. I have to take responsibility, and accept that life is not a bed of roses.

Struggling today... but without gambling I can hopefully still look forward to a better tomorrow.

D123

Great post d123 it's great to see you have changed enough now with over 100 days of non gambling that you can deal with it like an adult I'm seeing that in my life as well keep it up mate.

The bear

Hey D123,

Great job on your continued abstinence, your definitely reaping the rewards of being gamble free. It's wonderful how the mind starts clearing up and we start thinking more clearly.

Enjoy your day, and congrats.

Chicagoguy

Just read something on another diary that brought back a profound 'gambling memory of mine'. Thought I'd log it...

Ever reached the end of a gambling binge and felt almost sheer relief that it's over? I know I've sat there in front of a roulette wheel / computer screen, almost willing that last number to lose. When I am 'in action'... when I've blown £500 / £5k / £10k - whatever, nothing can stop me. I cannot tear myself away. I am a robot. I will keep on, and on, and on - sometimes for hours (and days, on end), forgetting to wash, eat - even sleep. Nothing else in the world matters.

If I win - I carry on. If I lose - I carry on. When that last bet loses, and you know there is no more money, you feel this bizarre mix of exhaustion and relief. Of course, the pain / hurt / anxiety will continue in waves, as you berate yourself for what you've done. But that moment is a moment of clarity - and one that I should keep reminding myself of, even as my abstinence continues.

D123

Last bet 10/12/12

Days: 113

For some reason, I always seem to glance at my watch and see the time - 11:26. It's a time that always sticks out, since it corresponds with first dog race of the day. Not even sure if this is still the case, since I've not had a bet on the dogs for many years.

My point being is kind of symbolic... My gambling past is a reality - something that will always be there, and I'll never change. Perhaps I'll always note that time (11.26) and think of gambling.

Still confident I will never go back there. The issues I face in my life are tough enough without gambling making things completely unmanageable.

Keep up the good work everyone

D123