6 Years On: Facing Forwards

D123

Despite all the pressures you're under you really seem to have a clear head about one thing. Gambling is not for you any more. You need to constantly pat yourself on the back for that. Things would be way worse if you were gambling.

Very good point you posted about the relief when you'd finally lose and have to walk away. I totally relate to that. I used to do that gambling online. I put in many hours when I'd get down to my last 50 quid or so then win a load back. All it did was prolong the agony. I never stopped. I just chased and chased. Hours later when it was all over I'd realise the sleep I'd lost, hadn't drunk anything, hadn't eaten anything yet the outcome was still the same. £1000's lost again. So painful looking back at that to think what I put myself through. What a mug!!!

I still have days driving to work contemplating. After nearly 5 months being gamble free I still regularly shake my head at what I did last year. So destructive.

Looking to better my life now. I hope you find ways to fill the voids. I've become a regular gym goer and it's a great distraction. I realise it's not for all but it keeps me sane and away from gambling which can only be a good thing.

Have a great week. Best wishes.

G

Hey D123,

Thanks for taking the time to post in my diary. Glad your doing very well in your abstinence. I just had a thought for you, I'am buying myself a watch at the 100 day mark of my sobriety, so when I look at the time I will remember how far I've come. Maybe you could buy yourself a new watch as a reminder of what an accomplishment you have made also, and maybe that would deter the thought of that specific time of the dog races. Well your doing great!

Chicagoguy

Thanks for the post D123 and glad you find my posts interesting. I just try and be honest and post from the heart.

Good to read that you find life a bit dull and boring without gambling - not that I want you to be dull and bored! But at least some including yourself acknowledge this, others just say life is great without gambling. To me if life is great for some and they dont miss it after a short time, those people are probably in a category where they didnt really find it that difficult to stop and maybe werent as totally hooked as you and I and others.

I freely admit to having lost over £600k (acknowledged money is all relevant to earnings) and that gambling has ruined a large part of my life but at the same time without some aspects of it I wouldnt be me.

Best Wishes

Cheers Captain,

It's true - in the past 4 months I've cut two big things out of my life completely (gambling & smoking dope). Both were having a negative impact on my life, and I had reached the point where I could not continue. This was despite the fact that all other aspects of my life were coming along swimmingly (got engaged / business doing quite well / very active with sports-socially etc.)

The truth is - ever since, it does seem like there is some gaping chasm in my life. Whilst ultimately I didn't 'enjoy' either activity, they provided an escape - and were both things that I always looked forward to indulging in. I am trying to accept that my life may always be a little bit more 'dull' - that I just need to *** on and get used to it. However much I fill it with other things (exercise / socialising / spending time with family / new hobbies - I am actually very good at putting my mind to all these things, something seems lacking. You know what? I just have to be adult and get used to that. Waving the white flag and falling back into one of these vices is, of course, an option - but it's one that smacks of childishness.

If I can draw a (perhaps mis-placed) comparison here. I remember when I lost my Dad unexpectedly when I was at Uni; I thought to myself "things will never be the same... they will never go back to the way they were and I'll never recover". The truth is - they don't, but you just get used to living in a new reality. Time eventually makes things manageable.

My point here is that I am with you completely. People come on here and say they feel 100% better after days/weeks/months of abstaining. I think to myself - really?! I have gone months and months abstaining in the past, and still much the same - missing gambling every single day. I am certainly not that guy who feels the joy + happiness of abstention in the short-term.

I am pretty sure things are different for me now though. Gambling has beaten me up too much... it's taken too much from me to ever return. So I'll continue this journey.

Day 114

D123

Great post D123 and very honest, really empathise with you and wish you every success as your recovery continues.

Hey D123,

Great post, glad your doing so well! We just need to find ourselves again and find what makes us happy. Happiness was lost in the addiction of gambling. Will get stronger each day now that we have abstained. I wish you the best in your recovery process.

Chicagoguy

Thanks for the posts people - always appreciated.

Last night I showed my recovery diary to my fiancee - who read the entire thing. She is amazing... and has always stuck by me & supported through the difficult times. I am lucky, in that so far we have always kept finances separate - so however devastating my losses have been, financially they've impacted on me alone. This is not to say she has been unaffected... To have to see your partner stumble and fall again & again - each time reduced to a sobbing mess must be a horrible experience. The emotional impact CGs have on those people around them is something we all have to take responsibility for.

Anyway - why did I show her? Well I have a petulant and childish way of dealing with lots of things. Last night we had a discussion during which she expressed concern I was becoming a little 'insular' again - perhaps withdrawing into my problems without anyone to talk to. I have done this a lot in the past... taken on the burden of recovery completely alone, internalized and my difficulties - and ultimately crashed and burned. As is my way, I took her doubt re. my recovery as some sort of personal attack - questioning my ability to manage things are keep stepping forwards. In reality, this couldn't be further from the truth - after all she just wants me to be happy (!) and utilise any possible resource I might have at my disposal. Calling upon different resources (counselling / GA / the forum) is a sign of strength - of being adult and taking control of my recovery - and is not a pathetic sign of weakness as I have described it in the past.

So in a way, I wanted to prove I was doing OK. She read through the lot, and I think she found it re-assuring. A small part of me feels like I've given something up - like I've lost the sanctity of this world (the forum) I escape into sometimes. But I think in reality it's been good for both of us. After all - I have nothing to hide now; she has always been amazing - and understands my anxieties/difficulties/shortcomings.

Sharing with a partner might not be an idea that works for everyone, I respect that. But in a way, I am very proud that I feel extremely distanced from gambling, and wanted to give her some re-assurance of that.

Keep up the good work everyone

Day 115

D123

Hey well done d123 this last post just shows how far you have come since not gambling just taking some responsibility and also being able to talk I've been clear 50 days and still struggling with sharing my problems but hopefully will get better 🙂

Well done again my friend

The bear

Thx for the supportive post mate and congrats on turning things around!

Fear of returning to the dark places I've been is keeping me going and sounds pretty similar for you

Your diary sounds so like mine I can control it for so long but when that binge started god help us

Don't give them another penny mate

Paul

Hi just popping by and wanted to say well done, what an achievement, H x

day 2 :-/

Hi D123

I understand what you mean about the sanctity of the forum but think that your decision to let your partner read your diary was a really important and postive step and can only help in the long run.

I have done the same and it has given my partner a better understanding of how i sometimes think or feel.

I tend to jump the gun or get the wrong end of the stick of comments that my partner sometimes makes , maybe its a defensive mechanism of a gambler in recovery (or in my case just a really childish trait!), not really sure but at the end of the day like you say its only because they care so much and want to give all the support they can.

All the best to you.

Hey D123,

Well done on sharing your diary with your partner, it will surely help you both going forward. We've been discussing feelings and emotions in my group therapy class. And being able to share those, is an important part of our healing and helping others understand and heal also. Have a nice weekend.

Chicagoguy

Thanks all those who've contributed in the past few days.

Still happy to say I'm not gambling - although my rather lavish lifestyle is plundering me further and further into debt at the moment. With a wedding just over a year away, and bills/credit cards coming out my backside, I need to start being more adult about getting myself out of this financial mess. It causes me a lot of stress so I should need to face up to it properly.

A mixed weekend; my side lost an important cup final on penalties Saturday. very disappointing indeed. On the plus side, the weather is looking up and it finally feels like summer is coming. The reality of gambling is a long way from my mind right now - it's very important I don't let complacency creep in, and keep giving my recovery the attention it deserves.

Keep up the good work everyone.

Day 118

D123

Good to read you are still abstaining D123. I have always found complacency my biggest enemy, sometimes the out of control urge strikes when you least expect it.

I sucummbed today at lunchtime, I could see it coming, I couldnt resist any longer, it was thankfully only a couple of bets and I remained in control but I know if I keep dipping my toe in the water every now and then I'll eventually get bitten by the sharks.....

Thanks for response D123.

You asked about my feelings and what I could learn from today - I was pleased to have done the 2 weeks 'random free' - I know random gambling is ultimately my downfall. But at the same time after placing the 2 bets today I felt relieved and 'alive' again and back to the real me - no surprise as I have been in random action to different extents for over 20 years.

No doubt the random cant continue, but I also dont want to live my life feeling flat and lifeless. This is always how I am when I abstain for periods. And although I do think about all the money I've lost, the debts I have and my regrets, my recovery has long since reached a stage where those thoughts are not dominant. I'm simply just someone with very limited interests and who doesnt find it easy to make do with the simple everyday things without the drug of gambling to feed me and allow me to function.

Today's action was wrong if it leads to another extreme collapse which history indicates will happen, but in the moment and even now a few hours later it feels fine and it was inevitable it was just a matter of when it would happen.