6 Years On: Facing Forwards

Thanks for the post and I dont think its over the top at all - I'm very happy to receive any posts and thoughts and feedback.

I agree if I continue the random a blow-up is inevitable. so you are dead right the relief I feel right now wont be worth it.

I've had loads of people, gamblers, family, friends telling me about there being a big world out there with loads to see and do etc. but believe me I have spent loads of time for something like 10 years now considering loads of things, looking at hobbies, volunteering, clubs you name it, and this includes a period where I was out of work (and trying and failing to be a pro gambler) where I had loads of time on my hands to consider and think. My narrow interest limitation makes it seem like by not gambling I will just live the rest of my life spending my spare time reading books and feeling flat and living on memories.

And now given the progress I've made gambling isnt stopping me doing anything.

I dont actually spend much time thinking and doing gambling at all so whether I gamble or not I have time to do stuff and lets be honest the majority of things people do regularly dont really cost much so that isnt a factor. Take yesterday for example, or many Sundays - I spend them in a mix of eating, reading, doing some chores and going for a walk. I havent given up thinking of other things which would interest me but 10 years of exploring and thinking is a long time and I feel confident I would have identified something by now. Maybe something new will come along and hit me one day.......

Today has been a bit of a slog... in fact, life feels like a bit of a slog right now.

My financial situation has yet to improve, and this does continue to leave me feeling stressed, anxious and a little depressed. But life does go on... I know for sure the answer to my troubles cannot be found in an online casino.

As part of this CBT thing I've been doing, we've set up this 'tracking' chart - i.e. a very simple graph whereby you basically tick-off each day without gambling. The reason I mention this is simply because my mind constantly wants to belittle my achievements. Because a) I've abstained for long periods in the past, and b) am probably in slightly more debt now than when I actually stopped gambling... it's easy to think I'm stuck at square one. It's easy to focus on the negatives, and constantly berate myself for the position I've put myself in.

But the reality is this - tomorrow it'll be 4 months since I gambled; since my life was descending into an unmanageable mess and I couldn't eat, sleep or smile. I was a crying mess. That means 120 separate days making the sensible, healthy choice. I've also made it through 2013 without smoking weed (again, I my mind says that doesn't deserve praise - since the vast majority of people don't do it in the first place). But my point is that I am making some good decisions. There are lots of things wrong with my life - lots of things I need to keep working on to improve and correct. I still make many wrong decisions. But today, I am grateful (and proud) that I'm making some right ones too.

Keep up the good work all

Day119

D123

Hi D123,

I just wanted to pop by and offer some support, ive been reading a few of your posts on other peoples diarys and you make lots of sense, your post today being no different.

Your right your making some excellent choices that will benefit you immensly every day, dont let that ego part of you try and bring you down, i know that voice well the one that tells you your not worth it, or your going to fail.

Dont listen to it its the last kicks of a dying horse because each day you abstain from gambling and the weed YOU the person who got lost in all the mess that gambling created are getting stronger.

You have every right to be extremly proud of what you have and are achieving, Today you did something amazing .

Well done and keep going your heading in the right direction.

Take care

Blondie

Hey Buddy,

Thanks for your message. Great to see you checking in on the thread too. I liked your last post as you are reasoning with yourself and this is progress. The gambler in you wants you to look at the negatives and feeling depressed is a bi-product of this. It is something I experienced myself around the same sort of time as you. It seemed the debt was not falling and life was a bit static.

However, as you so rightly said you are making some great choices and your situation is not getting worse I think that is the key. Gambling will start a spiral and it only ends up going one way for us. 120 days is very much a day to be proud of and by continuing to post regularly and getting the basics right you will begin to see more and more benefits to abstinence.

Best Wishes,

Flagg

Hi D, thank you for your post on my diary, that was the reason I gave up writing on here, no feedback. I also did the counselling thing and stopped for ten years, but it wasn't the same as what I've got now. The steps freed me, gave me back my self esteem and gave me something special a programme to help others Gamblers. Life is meant to be enjoyed not endured which was the way I lived my life with no purpose and no feeling of satisfaction. I did go to GA for eight weeks but I was still unhappy and full of self pity. I ended up going back to AA and found a sponsor and did the steps. Its nice to have support on here and other places but that won't be enough for me. Good luck with your recovery and if you ever want to get in touch I'm sure we can find a way. :o)

Mr.123

Fella keep making the right choice each day and the clouds will lift, me I am constantly working through the 12 steps and find myself going back to take a moral inventory of myself often, to better ourselves, to give ourselves the best shot at good living we can keep making a sensible well reasoned choice and just for today fella enjoy it.

Take the bits that work for you,for me my friend they all work better than gambling did!!

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP>

So did you.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Wanted to drop in here because I'm on a particularly sticky wicket today...

Things haven't been going all my way at work - I'm struggling for motivation and direction. With my Bus Partners away on a trip, I took the option to 'work from home' today - which in truth, means sitting on my a**e and working at about 20% capacity. Not all that sensible.

Anyway, there are some major factors spurring me to slip-up today, all of which I'm acutely aware of.

a) Last night i had an incredibly vivid dream about gambling. In it, I won £22k (bizarre, I can remember the specific amount) and was able to pay off most of my debts. it felt incredibly real. When I awoke, I had that realisation that it hadn't been true. Good because I'd not been gambling, bad because I'm still lumbered with all this debt. Anyway, it's meant that gambling's been rumbling around my mind all day.

b) Today is the start of the Masters. Traditionally, I associate this with having a few modest bets, having a few joints and kicking back. Of course - I cannot do either activity now. I'd stopped smoking for a couple of months this time last year, and cracked when the Masters came around. Bizarrely... Betting on this tournament is one of my earliest gambling memories - I've always done it, and I've always done it in moderation. Simply, I reckon I could easily place a couple of quid on some players to increase my enjoyment... without sliding into another binge. Other members (e.g. Captain, might entertain such an idea). But I cannot - and won't do this. I've come too far, and invested too much this time round, and I would feel completely different if I let the devil back in - however small an extent that may be.

I've had to take a step back today and take a deep breath. I need not give in to this 'inevitability' of gambling now. I've just spent some time reading through some cue cards we prepared for CBT sessions:

i.e. If I gamble.. X will happen etc.

Today is tough... Indeed, this whole weekend might be a slog. It may be a long, long time until things really come together for me.

But I will stay strong - resist giving in to temptation - ride out the storm and emerge on the other side.

keep up the good work everyone

D123

Morning people,

Coming on here because I desperately need some outlet. I've awoken feeling terribly depressed and down; I know exactly why this is:

- I hate my job, and it's yielding very few results at the moment. I'm struggling for massively for motivation.

- I am crippled by debt, and there seems little light at the end of the tunnel in this regard.

I'm stuck in a bit of a catch-22 here... in that this job CAN provide a relatively quick (12 months) way out of my financial difficulties, but I utterly despise it - and the longer it goes on without my achieving results, the longer I am tied into it.

On Saturday evening after football, I went to a very swanky dinner to celebrate the wedding anniversary of my fiancee's grandparents. The family is full of successful people (particularly guys) - doctors, government advisors etc etc. Of course, I too am one of those guys, but I faced a lot of questions about how my business was going. As much as I put on a brave face, I felt like a real basket-case, and many people were offering advice about career ideas etc. In truth, I do not know, and never have known, what I want to do with my life. Moreover, I react petulantly to others trying to help me... plus none of them have a clue that I am recovering from a gambling / drug addiction, and am utterly crippled with debt. Surrounded by money and success, I feel I am constantly snookered, and will always sabotage my own success.

Anyway, I can and MUST keep driving forwards. Despite the concerns I voiced on here on Wednesday, I've managed another weekend of abstinence, when cracking would have been the easy way out.

Today is a tough day... but I need to be adult and make tomorrow better.

Day 125

D123

Sounds like you have some tough things on your mind. It is stating the obvious to say that gambling will only make things worse but we all need to hear the obvious sometimes as we have made many irrational choices in the past which is why we are here. I have been in your situation with the party before where no one has a clue that the main focus of my life has not been my profession. I felt sick, inadequate and like an addict(which I was!) I can't help you with your work/money dilemma but whatever you do.. Keep on driving forward. Keep on keeping on. Make tomorrow better.

Thanks Diggory.. appreciated.

I've been looking over my recent posts and it's clear I'm struggling a bit right now. Not my intention to make them sound depressing (I hate it when people are full of self-pity), but I am aware they don't sound all that positive.

Anyway, when things spiral downwards my instinctive reaction is to hit self-destruct.

To wave the white flag and escape back into my destructive vices.

I cannot, and will not, do this.

FACING FORWARDS!

Day 126

D123

It's been almost a week since I last posted on here... Probably the longest stretch since I started the diary.

This is due to a few different factors - firstly it's been a hectic week and I've not cleared time to sit down and share my thoughts. Secondly, gambling has been a long way from my mind - which I can only see as a good thing.

Having said this (and I've been unsure as to whether I should 'confess' this on the forum), I played a social game of poker with my mates on Friday night. Very small stakes, and much more a social event than 'gambling' as such. Certainly, this is a million miles from the compulsive, destructive gambling that has proved my downfall in the past, and (in my mind at least) this does not constitute a slip. It will probably be many weeks or months until we re-convene to do the same.

Having said this, I hope people do not think I'm being hypocritical here. I have spoken a lot about my not ever being able to have a single bet again - on anything. This is still very much the case, and I feel as far away from gambling as I have ever been. Certainly, I am aware that ANY form of gambling can pave the way for my destructive behaviours - and I am wary of changing my mentality / mindset at all.

Like I say, I wasn't sure whether to mention it on here. Then I reconsidered - and thought that this is MY diary, and my only genuine obligation on here is to me and my recovery. To not make some note of the fact this happened would be some form of deception (or at least being careless with the truth). In my mind, I am still 132 days from my last bet; of course, I will accept any comments / disagreements on this subject though.

Still facing forwards. Still learning. Still improving.

Day 132

D123

hi d123

have good week

D123.

My friend I have said many times and will again recovery is 100% bespoke, my friend whatever suits you Do IT!!

As regards your poker game, my opinion is as long as it doe not awaken the urge to go back at it with the bookies then play, the risk for me would be I would transfer my compulsive behaviuor to other forms of gambling, No bookies= 100 scratchcards, or a ridiculous amount of lottery tickets.

But as I state fella recovery is bespoke.

From me a massive well done on your abstinence.

One day at a time, building a better life.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for your input guys...

As explained, in my book this isn't a slip - it's made me feel uncomfortable, and has certainly forced me to take a step back and re-assess how I approach these things. But it has not (nor will it) bring gambling back into my life.

Gambling has beaten me up too many times. It has hurt me so badly I can never return. So whilst I do not classify last week's poker game with mates as a slip for me, I'm certainly wary of returning to do the same thing again.

On the plus side, yesterday I got a decent pay cheque from work yesterday. It's made a dent (albeit a rather small one) in my overall debt - which has reduced by about 20-25% as a result. Of course, there was 10-12 hours whilst this cash was sat in my account where there is a natural, almost in-built, instinct to gamble - to turn £5k into £10k or £20k - whatever. It was simply a thought though (and completely removed from actually taking any action). As it happened, I paid off and closed one credit card, set up a new direct debit with HMRC, paid some rent/bills. The Mrs is still looking after my spare cash so all good in that sense (I say 'spare cash'... this makes me sound like I have money to burn. In reality I am still crippled with debt, but she looks after the cash that I live off).

Onwards & upwards!

Day 133

D123

Hi D123,

Thank you for the post , was just reading your last few posts and like dunc says, its your recovery and yours alone, keep tailoring it to your needs, what ever you have or are doing is working for you and thats all that matters.

Well done on your continued abstience and also your support to other people on this site, continue to be proud of that.

take care

blondie