a new way of thinking

Thanks Rach glad i could help 😉

Just read a post on rachs diary about how she makes her decisions from now on.

Made me think as a single mum all decisions i make have to include my boys as for me the decision i make affects them the most ie leaving their dad,going to work,new relationships etc,so why when it comes to gambling do they not feature in the thought process,am i a bad mum no i don't think i am in fact i know i'm not but that motherly guilt is a killer and its a reason why i cant slip back to where i was a few years ago.The bills are paid on time including arrears from last year the boys have everything they want and the fridge is full,not much petrol in the car but thats because i refuse to give it to the goverment until i have to lol.So why oh why do i start to dip my toe in the river of sludge known as gambling again,i know the pitfalls,i know the heartache and pain it causes but do i really think i can keep it under control errr yes apparantly i do duhhh,of course i cant.Apparantly i'm not as intelligant as i thought lol but on the other hand intelligant enough to say no again and stop again,but theres the thing that word again how many more agains are there going to be.

I know addictions of any sort are hard to get a grip on and there are always going to be slip ups on the way but how many times do i have to use the word again.An impossible question to answer but at the moment its the nagging question in my head how many agains do there have to be.

Stay Strong

L xx

Hey Hun...

Can't answer your questions there but can hold up similar thoughts that may make some sense ..

Ms Blondie talks of the "f**k it " thinking on her recent post which may be more relevant with gambling but for me I have a similar thought pattern but it's more "what about me time " or "its my time"" thinking ...

I throw caution to the wind and not think of the bigger picture when I feel deprived or in my Martyr mode,the one that says " I do all this stuff for everyone else and now it's my turn" ...

I make appalling decisions when I'm in that headspace and reward myself in the wrong ways...then I try and make up for it by justifying myself and my actions on the grounds of being deserving and not asking for much out of this life (aka ..the pity pot in my case) ..lol

Not sure if that makes sense but I'm currently thinking of late onset motherhood as a single parent! I have to be sure that my motive is not based on the above and is for the right reasons,

R and D xx

Hi Lib,

Thanks for your post on my diary.

Sorry to see that you have relapsed, but glad that you have realised that you must not go down that route again.

Totally understand the whole 'again' thing.

I too have relapsed 'again' recently and rode the gambling rollercoasters highs and lows.

I have relented from posting as I have beaten myself up for what i have done.......again.

I hope you can find the inner strength to get back on track. Just getting your post has given me a lift.

I need to stop too...

Keep strong

Ade xxx

Hi E

Lovely to see you posting again. Sorry you are dealing with again, again.

I don't think of recovery as a set of different slices of time, in between gambling, it's all one long process. Lapses and all. It's not a set of individual battles, but a war that you definitely win if you continue to persist. Sorry, that sounds so cheesy, but what I mean is it takes time to really accept that we can't gamble anymore. Like with a bereavement. It takes time to accept and let go.

I think you are doing just great. I still flirt with gambling from time to time, but bit by bit, it is sinking in for me. Just keep at it mate.

If you were making no progress, you wouldn't have a full fridge etc.

f x

Ade and Freda,

Thanks guys just seeing your posts on my diary makes it feel right that i've returned,turned my back on the diaries for a while,sort of wishing i hadnt but Freda as ever your right it takes time to get this right and from what i've read this seems to be another pattern that needs breaking.

The positives are the gaps between relapses are longer and longer and i seem to be able to catch it before any major financial damage is done,although looking at it i seem to have switched it round pay all bills first get the shopping get what the kids need then whats left over goes down the drain.Instead of throwing it down the drain then wondering how the hell im going to feed the boys.

Reading back what i've just written sounds as though i'm trying to justify the gambling to myself,i was going to delete it and start again but i will leave it as i've written it,might look different in the morning.

Thanks for the support A and f 🙂

Stay Strong

L xx

Hi Lib,

Thanks for your post.

Unfortunately I have lost your contact details due to a sudden change of laptop. Please feel free to e-mail me or text assuming you still have my mob number.

Let's both get back to positive thinking and doing the right thing for our golf balls. The world seems a whole lot betterer that way!!

Take care my LLGGESBF!

Ade :0) xxx

Hi Elizabeth,

I joined this forum this year, and never come across your posts.I am going to read through your diary in time:) Looks like you was very missed on here and i'm pleased you come back stronger and back to your friends which understands and care:)

i wish you all the best on your journey and send you all the strength to keep on the right track.

You doing great

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks Ade and Sandra.

Another day nearly over and to be truthful i have spent the day trying to understand the gambling to myself,i know why i used to gamble in the beginning as it was my escape from my life but i left that particular pain and heartache nearly four years ago,and as i used to post to Rach i know it can take up to 2 years to get over ,almost a grieving situation. Maybe its a different pain and heartache now.What i ask myself am i trying to escape from?

Maybe nothing, maybe i'm just a complete idiot :)Goes back to the definition of insane.

What makes me cross about all this is life is going ok like i said working fulltime,on top of the bills,even managed to get a contract phone for me and the eldest dont know how my credit is still down the toilet lol.So why would i put everything i've worked toward at risk?

As usual i ask more questions than i manage to answer but at the moment i'm just venting and writing out loud.

stay strong

L xx

Hello again E40,

We used to post more frequently on each other's diary, didn't we? We started within days of each other, I seem to remember (although the first 3 months of my diary are erased now). I see we've both been a little 'careless' recently. It's a s*d of an addiction.

I'm in a bad spot and intend to start again properly now.

Good luck with your recovery.

Hey E..

Small world eh with your brothers work there...?

I posted about PTSD a while back and how I'd been researching about it and also how trauma is now recognised as also being part of the addiction/ recovery cycle.

In my 20s I had massive panic attacks and also depersonalisation which normally soldiers get after coming back from war.

I started looking into it more recently as my rage cycles as opposed to anger cycles are something that I could strongly relate to.

I know what's caused it..which was my mums drinking and me being nearly killed twice in 2 drink driving accidents with her ..but that was the tip of the iceberg..I felt always that my life was in danger and as an adult even after she died , I became obsessed with my health and mortality.

It sort of morphed into hyperchondria.

By taking up with the ex ..it re triggered all that all over again, and as mentioned on Sandra's diary..I only get the rage re triggers if I am emotionally attached or under the same roof domestically as the person...

If i'm not involved then the rage doesn't happen ....I still get angry, but not rage.

I'm sure you will also get to the bottom of it Libby and I'm always trying to put myself In others shoes...

All I know is that some days the pressure of trying to keep all plates spinning and being responsible feels overwhelming ...I guess my self sabotage comes in the form of this anger/ rage cycle, sort of like throwing a hand grenade in to cause an explosion and therefore ..some relief from pressure...

Stay strong Hun xx

R and D xxx

Thanks guys,

Not a bad day today to busy at work to think about anything else,its when im sitting at home on my own,one child asleep that the urges raise there head and that small voice starts talking b******t.

Tired and a tad emotional tonight,not quite sure why i'm emotional maybe its my age or its the awful guilt i always feel when i've been gambling,maybe i spend to much time on my own?Maybe its lack of sleep as i dont sleep well when ive been gambling even if ive stopped as i just beat myself up.

Early night i think.

Stay Strong

L xx

Morning Lib,

Try not to beat yourself up too much. You are back on the recovery road once again and will gain the much needed strength to get your positivity back, so you feel so much betterer!!

Hope you slept well ;0)

Keep strong

Ade xxx

Hey up Libby ..

Back in the fold Hun and with folks who undertand and know how you feel..

My heads mashed after drinking too much wine last night with a pal who's off to Spain so don't worry too much about that morning after feeling Hun...it soon shall pass..

Back on the right road ...staying strong..

You're a goodun...xxxxxx

Thanks guys :0)

Well not a good friday the 13th for me,s**t nights sleep stomach pains all day and i get home to a letter from housing benefit to say they've all but cancelled my benefit...f*****g great just when i thought i'd saved some money as little one isnt in child care anymore i now have to pay an extortionate amount of rent for a s**t house,so what is the point of me working i work all the f*****g hours i can to support my kids,i dont sit around all day doing nothing and every which way i f*****g turn someone else wants more money.Oh and i've also been overpaid housing benefit so i have to pay that back as well it just gets f*****g better.I am so near the point of just saying f*** it i give up.the urge to gamble is f*****g sky high at the moment,what i really want to do is hit someone/something.

Well i've spent most of this evening in tears trying to work out how the f*** my wages are going to cover my basic bills now .Oh well maybe i'll just give up eating or hang on how about living.

Had enough going to bed f*** it.

Not feeling strong

L XX

Hi Lib,

Sorry to hear you so down in your last post hun.

Don't have the answers, but sending you a big virtual (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Keep strong for those golf balls..... and don't give in...

Ade xxxxxxxxx