A real aim

A very negative start. I fell off that wagon again. Had time off work, was faced with that dreaded time -definitely, location - on own in house online, money triangle and obviously the demons took over. After past few months of trying so hard , I'd managed to pay off one credit card, felt good about it for a day or so then the usual greed took over, thought why wait until end of year(or whatever to pay off the next one) I can do this and get back in the black. I'm cured!! No stop, if only I'd had these thoughts then. its not an illness like the common cold, it doesn't go away. Actually it IS like the cold as sure as anything I will just wake up one day and it'll be back and hit me hard for a few days. So my debts are at their highest they've ever been. The bumpy road has just hit me good and proper in the nads and I totally deserved it.

I start again - Day 2.

Hi mile end,

Slips are possible in this forever journey, but you have to stand up, dust yourself down and keep battling your way through. Never give up giving up, you can do it and you will do it, believe in yourself.

Beat the sh-it out of this demon and come back with more fighting spirit and determination, let's do it soldier!!!

S x

Thanks Sandra,

Just a total waste of the past few months hard work scrimping and saving. I was buying stuff in Poundland today and thought how crazy I'm choosing to save a few pence on brands there instead of the supermarkets (a usual shopping haunt-not just coz I am now penniless) yet I can squander hundreds on a virtual spin. I'm such a loser but I'll never give up on this battle.

Day 3. Lots of mixed emotions today. Gambling really messes with your head. 🙁

So here we are again. Nearly 1 month to the day since the so called last blip. Who am I trying to kid though. I signed up to the 2014 challenge and said if I was to bet then everyone else was entitled to come round and give me a kicking. Maybe that's what I need. Some disassociation therapy, if only it was that easy. I'm trapped like many others on here, only I fell into my own trap.

A month of saving hard meant a huge improvement and once again a small chink of light at end of the tunnel. Felt guilty spending socially which lured me back to a fobt for a quick one off subsidy. That loss led to trying it on phone for 1st time. Way too easy to do while going about as normal. Needless to say I ended up imploding after a few hours of sensible bets/small wins. I'm worried now as the debts are going to be with me long term so does that mean the gambling urge will keep taking over every few weeks? It was bad enough before when it was just hard earned savings I squandered, now it's not even my money but credit cards. I vowed I'd never get to this stage but I have. I've been stuck battling this for 10 years. If that was drink I'd be needing a liver transplant or if drugs I'd prob be dead from an od. Can't believe despite knowing that and holding down respectable job etc etc I still fail whereas 99% of population wouldn't ever be so stupid. That I can't get my head round, I'm a social reject yet it's all my own doing.

My last bet was yesterday afternoon so to try end slightly positively, June 29th =day 1

Today's day 1. Day 100 will be Monday 6th October. Things I've done well in life have been achieved by setting goals and targets. Day 100 is my base target, if I get that then I will go for 200,300 then 500. Not sure how I will signify those dates but for now setting them is the key. I need look ahead rather than constantly back. That money's gone as has the time I've wasted gambling which is even more valuable to have lost.

Hi mile end

Well done on never giving up giving up

The past has gone looking forward is sooo positive and one day at a time you will get to your goal

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Day 2.

Past 2 days have been tough but I also think it has to be so. It's not been my biggest relapse in terms of money lost but I think in reality it is very much linked into the one from a month ago. I'm having to deal with same issues that tempted me back in and whereas a month ago when I lost alot of money I still had a bit of a safety net, this time I'm down to the bare bones. It's***t hard as even though I know I'll never be cured and may relapse I never thought I would put myself in this situation again. Twice before I've been here, definitely rock bottom. The only similar feeling is when there's been a death of someone close. What's worse is its all totally my own fault and doing. I'm not young enough anymore to put it behind me and look to future, now is time I should be living sensibly, spending wisely and giving some structure and security to my future. I've gone through all my finances like never before and have set targets to get out of debt. I'm shocked at both how much I owe and how much I have wasted gambling but it had to be done. It was the wake up call I needed. Unfortunately for me though I've dug myself so deep there will be no quick short term fix but I'm committed now. Will need firefight this month, pay off overdraft over next few then I can look to sorting out the credit cards. I can only take each day as it comes but I'm not giving into it again. My hatred for what gambling has done to me has reached new limits it's time I fought back and became the old, cheery non obsessed my money and gambling person again.

Hi Mile

We have some tough wide awake calls when we stop

Realising the money has gone we will never get it back and that's hard to come to terms with

But on the positive side we can now move on and away from the self destructive addiction because that is what it is

Realising how much debt we are in is hard too but on the positive side of that we are not going to get further into debt

Having no spare cash is hard but on the positive side we never had any anyway it all went to feed gambling

There is no easy fix but on the positive side we can one day at a time fix our finances

Gambling is a total waste of our lives

Keep going keep strong

Day 2 good imagine what day 100 will feel like

Determination and positivity are 2 good thoughts to keep hold of on this journey

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Thanks Suzanne. I'm not giving up this time, I have set many achievable targets that I am now working towards instead of constantly looking back which has been my downfall. If being honest with myself I suppose I never really gave up the chase, even in the spells when I had gone a long while not gambling. I guess the dream was always niggling away of a big win to trump all others and clear all past bets. Now I know that can and never will happen. Even if it did I would just think I was smarter than the bookies and try beat them again and we all know what would then happen. No, from now on its what I can make of life doing things the normal way, working hard and getting a healthy balance of saving/spending the money I have.

Hi mile

I think we all know when it is time to let go for me it was when I had no more to give it had taken everything from me and more

We all do this journey in different ways but we are all on the same path you do your journey your way and setting targets sounds very positive for you

Your post is very positive so Very well done

Keep strong determined and positive and don't look back that's gone now your new life can begin

Suzanne x

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I had my wake up call. Another 2 to go to make the month, then it's straightforward, if can do 1 month, then can do 2, 3, 4 and so on. There's been no temptation at all its as if I've finally seen it for what it was and who it made me. I know the temptations will creep back up on me but I'll deal with them rather than cave in.

Possibly my darkest day. Faced with unexpected bills and time off work I could think of no other way out than having a gamble. So I did and lost, then chased and win most if it back then wouldn't settle for that so went back after a few hours and chased again and lost again. I now have stacked up the credit cards I have no means of paying them back. Also hate myself as for past 6 weeks I was slowly building things back but no I am an irrational gambler and think I'll always be one. The worst feeling was I foresaw it all but kept going. It's a double punishment as I knew but overruled my own conscience which makes me feel worse than words can be written. Gambling you've ruined my life - I've ruined my life.

Hi mile

Firstly you have not ruined your life you are on a road to recovery ok you have lost more money learn from this and carry on we go through this don't be too hard on yourself this is what the s******g addiction does to us but you have learnt another hard lesson now so take positives out of it

you knew the outcome

I did at the end I wanted that outcome to say goodbye to the self destructive addiction I took a 300 payday loan out at the end not to see me through the month to say good. Bye because it had already beaten me and I wanted it to end it was nothing to do with the money

I think you are so brave to write on your diary that you have had a slip and for that I simply I simply salute you

Am proud to be walking with you on this eternal road

Suzanne xx

Suzanne, thank you for such a positive response. What I hate most about gambling is its ENTIRELY my own doing and for that I only have myself to blame. Unfortunately I can't seem to let it go and be the normal me that could and should lead a normal life. I will try and start over because that's all I can do. No one will wave a magic wand, I'm in the mire and I need gradually get myself out of it.x