A time for forgiveness

Good luck! 1st big step done writing this post!

Hopefully you can stop for good, if you feel like you are getting in a bad place again it might be worth asking your husband for support. Even though you don't want to burden him, it might prevent a bad situation becoming a terrible one.

It's not an easy thing to do though so completely understand why you would not want to, you'd probably find he'd be supportive and help you through, a problem shared and all that.

Day 13...unlucky for some but not me at the minute. I even managed to step into a casino over the Xmas period and not gamble which is a first. (I had to go in to meet someone and only stayed 5 minutes but still, it's a breakthrough!). Had a great Christmas but very crazy and will be glad to get back to normality on Monday. Got 2 financial goals that I think I can reach by the end of jan. Then another set for July and after that it will be a case of keeping all the credit card debt on interest free which I think is doable. Am hoping by July I will have reduced my monthly repayments from £1200

to £500 which is amazing and a big relief that all expensive loans will be paid off. I feel like paying the debts off is totally doable now. In the past I've felt like I was never going to see light at the end of the tunnel and that's why I would relapse to try and win money to pay them off. Now I feel like I relase due to boredom. I know for sure that I'll probably get to 3 or 4 months gamble free easily it will be after that when I get complacent (and bored) that is the problem. I've done this enough times to know this will always be an issue for me until I die and there is no 'oh just a fiver' all I can hope is that this time I am wiser than the last! Happy new year to you all I hope this time next year I have my first gamble free year under my belt xxxx

Day 17 and day 4 of a much needed 40 day detox!! Had no thoughts or urges but as usual this is normal for me in the beginning. Not even played the lottery which is something I would have still done every now and again. This time I am stopping everything!! Must admit that I am extremely happy that the festive season is over and we are back to normality. Got a couple of holidays to look forward to later in the year and I intend to make sure I have the money to pay off the balance and have spending money without relying on the credit cards. At the minute I am waiting for a new 0% balance transfer card to drop through the door. This will mean that all my credit card debt is on 0%. I was going to pay my loan off early this month (it is due to end in Sept) but I have looked at the incomings and outgoings over the next 6 months and I don't really feel like paying it off early will make that much of a difference as things are looking ok. Any money I have left over at the end of the month will be put into savings and in an attempt to never touch those savings for gambling I always tell my husband what the balance is. I know that if I have told him there is 2k in there, then there needs to be 2k in there as the stress of him finding out I had spent it all would kill me! That is my number one priority in all of this mess, not to burden him with the problems that I have caused. The funny thing is, when I get all this debt paid off I will have to come up with a story as to why we have so much more disposable income!!!

So I continue to fight the fight. I know this is probably my 5th+ time of trying to quit but I can honestly say each time it has gotten easier and any relapse has been less devastating than the last. I hope that there will be no relapse this time and I will take one day at a time.

Hi freedom,

Well done on 17 days and a good positive post.

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Day 25...no thoughts. Been concentrating on my detox and keeping fit and healthy. Busy at work, busy at home which is the best way to be. The last time I relapsed it was when I was ill for 3 weeks and i was bored to tears, really need to stay focused when that time comes again (hopefully it won't ever but we all get sick at some point!). Driving myself mad with about what to do about the debts. I have enough money in the bank at the end of this month to either pay off my credit card or pay off my loan and I really don't know what option to take. Paying off the loan will free up a bit more money every month but at least if I pay the credit card off and I need some emergency cash I can e-use it again. Although I do have other options for emergency cash so I guess I just answered my own question!! I met financial target number 1 today, moved/paid off the balance on the one credit card that I am paying interest on. So the next target will be to pay off the loan. I make my repayments on the 28th of the month so I will pay Januaurys and then get a settlement figure at the beginning of Feb. So I will set the target date as Friday the 13th of Feb to have this done by! After that I will decide what my next target will be! I need to remember that it's these small steps that count. There is no way I am going to pay this debt off in the next 6 months, it is going to take years but if I set myself goals and feel like I am hitting them and actually getting somewhere I think it will encourage me not to gamble again. So here is to day 25 and the 13th of Feb!xxx

Hi Freedom1981, this is no longer about being wiser than the last time...You cannot win because you cannot stop so you need to let go of the desire to control your gambling because it's not going to happen! You need to get to where you can easily & then focus your attention on staying stopped! There is no room on this road for complacency as you have found out to your detriment! You are good with money but no-one is good with nothing which is all that gambling gives us! Keep setting goals & enjoy reaching them...Don't worry what will come in the future, you will be stronger then & will find a way to figure it out 🙂

Let go of your past & be strong - ODAAT

Thanks for your comments guys appreciate it 🙂

Day 29 and day 16 of a 40 day detox....all I can say is thank god my addiction is with gambling and not drink cos I reckon I would find that a million times worse to give up! Almost crumbled on Friday night and had a glass of wine but I went to the gym instead and then treated myself to some chocolate! I must say the fact that I am struggling with quitting the drink for 40 days is definitely putting the main addiction out of the picture, that hasn't been a problem at all!

I bit the bullet after I posted on Thursday and I used my savings to pay off one of my loans so i am now offically £200 a month better off. I now have one loan left to pay off (possibly doable the middle of this year) and then all my debt will be on credit cards and hopefully if I can keep it all on 0% I can start hammering it down. We are currently on an interest own mortgage and I would like to move to a repayment one but thinking this might only be possible once my youngest starts school and we don't have as many childcare fees. If I can clear some of my credit cards then it might be possible to do this faster but I'm not going to stress out about it now. Now that I have paid off my loan I have set myself another short term target of the 15th of Feb to pay off my next account. There's only a couple of hundred quid on there but at least it's one less monthly repayment to make and that is paying interest so need to get rid of that asap. I really don't know what I will do with my time when I don't have all this money juggling to do!!!!!!! It will be nice to find out though!

My god, just checked my credit score, wish i hadn't bothered 🙁 I know I made quite a few applications in november which were successful which meant that I could move my interest bearing credit cards so the low score is partly due to the searches and the new accounts that have been opened. I really should have left it a few more months before looking but it's done now!

Anyway, on a positive, day 31 and a full month completed 🙂

Congrats on your month Freedom...Almost halfway into your detox too 🙂

I know why you are doing it, I wasted reams & reams of paper writing out every penny I have, what I will be spending, how much interest I will be charged & it can be incredibly demoralising! Print that score off & keep it as a reminder of what gambling did to you! Be grateful that the applications were successful as it means you aren't being battered with interest. You obviously know a bit about numbers so you know that this will improve so long as you stay in recovery! Sounds like juggling is a good distraction @ the moment but don't leave things completely to chance, have @ least some plans for when your time starts freeing up.

Great work, keep it up - ODAAT

Thanks ODAAT 🙂

Day 36...had one of the worst weekends i have ever had. Arguments with the OH. We can go months without a cross word but when we blow we really blow! Not sure how it's possible to age 10 years in a weekend but I have done a pretty good job! It would have been times like this when I would have said f**k it and escaped through gambling but it honestly didn't cross my mind. I think i was too tired to even think about it!!!! I can't wait to have an early night tonight and hopefully things will be back to normal tomorrow, we have spoken this morning and we both know that things have to change for it to work I feel like a single parent with a full time job and it's just not possible to carry on like this.

Day 38....things are picking up at home thank goodness. Been tired and a bit down the past couple of days but heading to the gym tonight and it's payday today so i've paid some bills of and still plenty of spends left for the rest of the month. Attempting to do things that will improve my credit score (cancel cleared credit cards etc etc) but I think it will take until at least May before I am even back in the 'fair' category! To be honest I don't really need to move anything else now until June so hopefully I will have just timed it right so that I can keep everything on 0%. We will see!! I'm hoping that my existing cards that have available balances will offer me some balance transfer deals as well so I may not need to apply for any new credit. Focusing on small goals and gradually chipping away at the debt seems to be working at the minute. I am buying and selling on a very popular auction site and am making about £100 profit a month, not a fortune but it certainly helps!! Looking forward to a busy Feb. Having stayed in the whole of Jan I have a few good nights out coming up 🙂

Day 47....had one minor thought yesterday about sticking a grand on a red or black spin. Came nowhere close to doing it and knew even if I won that one spin I wouldn't stop so what's the point! The debts continue to consume me, i wish i could be thankful that I am not in a ridiculously bad position financially. Yes I have a mountain of debt but I can make the minimum payments and extra each month and still have money to enjoy life, a lot more than some stories i have read on here. I guess I just get bogged down in the 'what if i hadn't lost 60k'. but it is lesson that i will learn from and the money saving/money making things that I do now because of this debt will serve me well in the future....am sure I won't make 60k back from it but at least it's a start!

Another quiet weekend this weekend before a busy one next weekend. Not been out for a good 6 weeks now and honestly haven't missed it but it will be good to get dressed up and have a night out.

HAVE TO STAY STRONG

Day 51...over the half a century mark. You'd think I'd be more enthusiastic but I have been here that many time before! Once I get past the 365 days mark I will allow myself a mini celebration! Watched that Stephen Hawking film last night, two things that it made me think about 1. Crikey we a minor in this whole massive universe that we live in!! Who says that we have to live like this? Who says that we have to do this and do that and not do that and not do this?!?!? Of course we have to have a society so there is not total carnage but in the grand scheme of things no one can tell us how to live our lives! Hats off to all the so called hippies that do not conform, I wish I was strong enough to do that! Is the world going to end if I don't get this debt paid off NO? Does anyone really care except me? NO!!!! 2. How lucky I am to have full use of my body and feel healthy and be able to play with my kids. Why is it someones horrific illness makes you feel lucky? And I feel lucky for what? All of a day or two? I'll be back to obsessing about debts etc etc etc tomorrow.

Hi freedom...Soz, I've not been checking my subscriptions...Good to see you @ the start of your 2nd half century 🙂 & yes it does put it all into perspective doesn't it 🙁

A year is a long time for just a mini celebration...Do you really need to beat yourself up that bad? I know recovery is bespoke but surely you'll be having a little treat before then? Am I right in thinking you only have a couple of days left on your detox? Also how's the 15th looking?

Keep strong - ODAAT