Well, here I am - 15 days 'clean'. I suppose I should start my story at the beginning........
That first £5 that I deposited into that bingo site in 2006 was fun as was the second, and the third, and the fourth.....but then, well things changed. It was no longer a fun pass time, it was a way to close out how I was feeling about my life.
You see, I was in a relationship which was far from sunshine and roses. He wasn't violent or abusive but he was just..I don't know which words would describe him. I was working for minimum wage at a job that wasn't exactly what I had imagined my career life was going to be, he was a fisherman who barely went to sea. He spent a lot of time in the pub or at his 'friends' playing poker - that was what he was doing along with drinking and smoking (not just tobacco if you get my drift) - at this stage, as far as I know, he wasn't cheating on me. To be honest, I guess we were both miserable we just couldn't admit it to each other. This went on for a year or so and then he got another job. He was so excited to be going to a job that was going to pay him decent wages (he was deep in debt with no intention of paying any of it back) and off he went. All was fine until one day he wouldn't reply to my messages or phone calls and that's when I knew, I knew he'd met someone else and that was it for us - I was heartbroken. I was angry too though because he didn't have the decency or guts to tell me to my face, he never came back to collect his stuff or anything. So, I packed up his belongings and shipped them off to him (making sure I kept anything that I could sell, including my engagement ring). That was that - I was left with a broken heart and deep in debt.
I filled my evenings with online bingo - I would often sit up until the sun rose again. Then I found out there were slots on some of the sites and that was the next progression - bingo just didn't cut it anymore. I spent longer and longer online and more and more money. I would often take 'sick' days from work and things just spiralled. That was my first 'recovery trial'. I cut off my internet connection and sold stuff to cover some of my bills. I borrowed money from my parents and I was convinced that was me back on track. Financially, I was but emotionally I was still hurting - by this time, I found out who my fiance had left me for and seeing her made me think what the hell was wrong with me that he had left me for THAT! My self-esteem was at an all time low. I went out with one of my friends one night to the local, there were a few folk in there and we had a good night. Then I got the text 'You look nice tonight', I was stunned but also VERY flattered. One problem, he was married and I knew his family. At first, I didn't respond other than as a friend but he kept on texting and calling and one thing led to another - we were having an affair. It lasted for about six months before his family found out and then it all came to an end. I felt so guilty and ashamed but that was a long time ago and we've all moved on.
During this time, I got a new job - one which was more in line with what I wanted to do in my life and I was beginning to feel Human again.
I then moved home and decided that a new home would be a new start and, seeing as I hadn't gambled for a while, I got an internet connection again. Again, I started with the bingo sites - it wouldn't hurt having a deposit limit of £20 per week and just playing bingo, right? WRONG! Cue another downward spiral and even more debts.
To cut a VERY long story short - in the last ten years, I have lost and won and lost again, tens of thousands of pounds. I've spent countless hours on every kind of online gambling site you can think of. I've gone deeper and deeper into debt. I've lost days and days of work because I've been too tired or too depressed to go. I've told lie after lie to cover the shame.
But, here I am. Still feeling shame, still depressed, still broke BUT I am now in recovery. I have applied for a debt payment plan and have been referred for counselling by my boss. That's where the shame lies - everyone at work knows my situation including the level of debt I'm in but I am getting good support from most of them.
I'm not saying I'm cured - I'm an addict and addicts are never 'cured' of their addictions. Addicts learn to control their addictions, instead of their addictions controlling them and that's where I'm headed.
Anyway, that's my back story in summary, maybe I'll go into more detail as my journey progresses. I thought I'd start this diary so someday I can look back and say 'look where I was then and look where I am now'. I've got a goal - I visited America with friends last year and I'm dying to go back again so, by the time I'm 40 (almost 6 years) I should have been debt free for almost a year and a half and so will have saved enough to go back to the USA for a holiday.
Thanks for reading. God bless xx
Hi getting there x you sure are you seem to have it nailed what caused your addiction and have a very clear understanding. Have you self excluded from those sites? It's great that your boss knows and your getting support. I too started with bingo online then slots I have been deep invgambling for about 5 years started though online about 15? Years ago last couple years been a nightmare I'm in debt and ended up suicidal then came on here. I just couldn't stop was so deep in the fog couldn't see wood for trees. I'm mini celebrating today cos it's 10 days gf, that's the longest I've gone for about two years it's awful wrecks your whole life. Wishing you all the very best hun and keep posting and come on here when you feel urges Lu x
Hi Lu, thank you for the kind words and well done on being 10 days gf - I think we are allowed to celebrate every day that we are gf.
I am self excluded from all sites that I played on and even emailed some of them asking if they could ban me from all sites within their networks which some of them did. That's what gets me the most about them, they don't just have one site, they have upteem sites all linked to the same network and are getting huge amounts of money from each one! I keep telling myself that I'm NOT going to fund the owners lavish lifestyle and I get angry when I think about the fact that my tens of thousands of pounds have gone into their flash cars and houses and yachts! Might sound silly but it gets me through 🙂
We can do this though Lu, we can beat the addiction and get through the other side. Keep up the good work x gt
Hi gettingthere
Good to hear you are feeling positive, that's the trick. Keep your mind healthy and happy.
Also draw on the darkness and pain that gambling brought, keep associating it with gambling, and it should keep the urges at bay.
You will get through this, and you will come out a better person.
Don't let another man spoil your life. He should be spoiling you.
If you find you end up with another A Hole, kick him into touch and get on with your life - don't let anything drag you back down.
Take care of yourself and stay strong
Thank you. Only man I need in my life at the moment is my dog! 🙂 🙂
16 days today - honestly, I could easily gamble again today but I'm skint and also can't access it - thankfully.
Anyhoo, must away and get on with some work - keep myself busy.
Hi gt how are you? Well done on 16 days! My next target is 14 days a whole two weeks which I've not done for years. You say you could gamble but can't cos you've got no money so what happens when you have got money? Have you extra blocks in place hun? Stay strong it will be so worth it! Lu x
Hi Lu! 19 days today 🙂
There are blocks on all devices that I access the internet through so I can't even if I wanted to, which I don't as it's evil!! It'll be payday on Friday which would normally be the trigger for a gambling binge but this month I'm going to open a savings account and also do my Christmas shopping.
Hope you're doing well Lu? xx
GT x
I'm struggling today. I think the only saving grace is that I can't access gambling sites or I'm pretty sure I'd have put my last £20 in by now........ I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just wish someone would take away the horrible feelings and make me feel 'normal' again although, it's been so long since I was 'normal' that I don't even know if I'd recognise that feeling....
Still, 20 days gamble free. If I can make it one more day that will be three whole weeks which will be the longest I'v gone for a very long time....
Hi GT , It's no good guessing at what the outcome will be regarding stepchange , in a strange way that's what really brought you here in the first place guessing the outcome of something we have no control of ?. Whichever way you look at it things would not be any better if you continue to gamble , in fact they'd probably become a whole lot worse , so take the positives where you can at the moment and at least celebrate the fact that youv'e now gone almost 3 weeks without a bet :)).
If the worst happens with stepchange then they'll be alternatives but until you know for sure just focus on you and remaining gamble free for now , one day at a time and little steps remember and don't worry things have a habit of working out :))
All the best for now
Alan x
Thanks Alan. That's my problem - I'm so impatient and want things done yesterday! As you say though, little steps and I'll get there in the end. Thanks for the support 🙂
GT x
Day 22. Still nothing from StepChange but I just have to be patient I guess. Payday tomorrow but I know I can't gamble so have been looking for Christmas presents instead. Also going to have to do my parents Christmas shopping so that'll keep me busy for a while!
Stay strong all x
Thanks Uncertain, good to know someone has had success with SC. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, means a lot
GT x
Hi gt just popping by to see how you are hun hope you've managed to sort step change stuff out. I'm in debt my credit rating is totally shot it takes time but you'll get there hun just like your name on here take care hun Lu xx
Hi ya Lu. Nearly there with StepChange, they're just about ready to send off application and hopefully get it all sorted before Christmas. It'll be a long four and a half years but I just need to remember that I have to live within my means!
Hope you're doing fine.
GT x
Day 36. Office Christmas party tomorrow - first time I will be in the same room as everyone who knows my situation - mixed feelings but I'll get through it.
Still nothing from StepChange despite emailing them two days ago asking what stage my application is at. Guess I'll find out sometime though.
My aim is to get through the rest of 2016 gamble free - not long to go now!
Feeling much more positive but a little worried that something is going to knock me sideways......
GTx
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