So I am starting this Diary on day 6.
My battle is not just gambling but on going Mental Health problems too. The combination is a killer, and I'm not prepared to destroy myself completely anymore..
I had done so well before, and then my CG Dad did something so selfish and sent me into mental health outburst, and what did I do, I stupidly decided to gamble my troubles (and ALL my money) away!
Gambling to console myself on one side and then gambling to self harm on the other side..
-Maybe I am trying to justify my gambling outburst because of my Dad's actions, I don't know, but I do know that watching him
behave in such a disgusting and selfish way in relation to gambling has only opened my eyes wider and made me realise
that I will do absolutely anything I can to prevent myself from turning out just like him.
- Day 1 - I cried all day due to the events of the night before
- Day 2 - I opened up completely to my partner and rejoined this site
- Day 3 - I spent time reading on here and realised that this is IT
- Day 4 - I struggled but I accepted that I am READY to stop for good
- Day 5 - I made the most effort that I ever have in order to stop gambling....
I spent around 4 hours in total reading peoples diaries and threads on here with my partner by my side reading with me and we both found it to be very informative and an eye opener, it helped us both understand more about problem gambling and how it can affect people in so many different ways.
....I accepted that I was avoiding shutting off all access to gambling, and began to understand that all I was doing was holding myself back and making everything more difficult for myself.
So I posted on here, I opened a fourum, I got my partner to install K9 on my laptop and I said goodbye to gambling forever.
Day 6 and I've decided to write this. So that even when I feel I can't openly talk about my struggles, I know that I can write it down on here and rant.
I NEED to beat this, for the sake of myself, my relationship, my mental health and my bank balance.
Great Start, things can only get better, gambling helps nobody or nothing its lose lose,
Like you say sometimes we can not talk but writing it down wiill help, I use this forum everyday every morning lunch time and evening.
Good on ya
Stay Strong Stay G/f
Malc
Hey Malc thanks for your reply,
It's good to know that I can get things off my mind as well as keep a track on my GF progress,
I think I will also be on here a lot because I get a lot of urges and I know this will keep my busy.
How long have you been GF for and how do you control your urges?
Or do you have a diary yourself, so that I can look at yours too?
I really want to do well and overcome this, and I am feeling quite positive about it at the moment, I just hope it stays that way.
I have a diary been G/f 28 days, my problem was bookies and casinos so self excluded from both for 5 years.
Read this forum alot helps me try to fill my time up with "life" stuff even if it is not exciting thats life.
Malc
This is a brilliant post.
You really do WANT to quit and you've already set up a lot of the foundation and have support from your partner which is going to be truly valuable. But just remember you don't get to see any views when you first start climbing the mountain (c**P analogy I know but it's true). The first few days/weeks/or maybe even months will be HARD and this is when you are tested the most.
You CAN give up gambling. It will be tough but this forum has SO much support and make an effort to come on as much as possible as it really keeps your mind stick to this path.
Good luck
Well It's Day 7 - 1 WEEK GF
And I'm feeling REALLY positive and proud of myself for a change!!
Just knowing that nothing else from gambling is due to come out of my bank account from online gambling and being unsure about how many times I deposited £20 in one session is a relief
Hey Adam thank you for your comment, I do really want to quit, and to be honest at the moment I am finding it so much easier with my partner NOT being at work..
Im not sure if being alone all day was adding to the urge to gamble or not, because I had also sneaked off to play online slots on the sly when she was home but for now it is a lot easier as I'm constantly busy/in company..
I do have some co-depencency issues anyway so that could be a factor too.
I'm wanting to look into proper counselling as I've read on peoples diaries how much it's helped them.
I've been coming on here loads of times
Keep at it. You need to put steps in place (K9 software etc) to block your chances of playing. You CAN do it!
mccawpa wrote:
Keep at it. You need to put steps in place (K9 software etc) to block your chances of playing. You CAN do it!
I asked my partner to install K9 on my laptop for me and she did and only she knows the password 🙂
I also self excluded myself from every website I could think of that I was part of.. I only struggle with online slots so
i dont need to worry about bookies etc, they just dont interest me,
You are right, I CAN do this.. and so can YOU!
Kirsty2910 wrote:
Well It's Day 7 - 1 WEEK GF
And I'm feeling REALLY positive and proud of myself for a change!!
Just knowing that nothing else from gambling is due to come out of my bank account from online gambling and being unsure about how many times I deposited £20 in one session is a reliefHey Adam thank you for your comment, I do really want to quit, and to be honest at the moment I am finding it so much easier with my partner NOT being at work..
Im not sure if being alone all day was adding to the urge to gamble or not, because I had also sneaked off to play online slots on the sly when she was home but for now it is a lot easier as I'm constantly busy/in company..I do have some co-depencency issues anyway so that could be a factor too.
I'm wanting to look into proper counselling as I've read on peoples diaries how much it's helped them.I've been coming on here loads of times
don't forget about other help like GA.
Triangle, I would love to be able to attend GA but at the moment my anxiety is far too extreme, I struggle with any form of going out, and the thought of going to any sort of group terrifies me. I've been offered group therapy for my mental health and had to turn it down due to the overwhelming stress it causes me. Hopefully one day I will overcome that, but for now I am holding onto everything else that I can and appreciate all the other forms of help I am managing to get. I really think that I can do this, even without the GA. this website for a start is amazing, and I'm hoping to be accepted for the counselling. I know I can do this
Today is day 8
And I'm feeling pretty okay, but I know tomorrow is gonna be a massive struggle for certain reasons that I cannot control. This will be a big tester for me. And in my opinion it'll be the first biggest hurdle I'll have to clear. So far so good, though and I haven't really thought about gambling that much.
When I do think about it, I'm not really thinking about wanting to do it and having urges anymore, I'm thinking about my progress and all the positive things about it... so that's really good
Hiya Kirsty, just wanted to pop onto your thread, and say how well you are doing. I have been reading Melissa's thread too. No-one is criticising you hon. My finances are completely independent, but I was hurting someone close to me by the secrecy, the growing lies, the emotional distance that compulsive gambling creates. Last night I was out of contact with my partner when she was expecting a text, and although she denied it, I know that she thought I was back in the casino. Just take one day at a time; I realise that gambling is a consequence of other things that are out of sync in our lives, and not the cause. Stopping gambling gives us space to begin to explore the known and the unknown. Keep communicating.
22 days GF today and the number of days seem to be increasing very slowly.
I don't really get any "urges" but I'm sick of adverts on the tv and radio and internet for gambling sites etc, that seems to be the only time it crosses my mind.. I don't miss the horrible feeling it gave me along with all the other sh+t that gambling brings but I sometimes miss the escape it gave me.
On a whole I am SO glad that I've stopped and I am still 100% committed.
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