My serious gambling problem started approx five years ago when I had a huge win on a slot machine after my second visit to a casino. To date I have lost in excess of £200k.
It is now 2am and normally I would be sitting up at this time playing on-line slots and gambling all of mine and my husbands hard earned money away.
Over the last 2 months I have lost in excess of £15k, money which I can barely afford.
Friday 11th October after gambling all night and with £100 left, something clicked in my head and I decided enough was enough. I can no longer continue this double life I am leading and one life has to go. The life I have chosen to leave behind is the life that has caused me destruction, misery, illness, anxiety heartache and most of all the probability of losing every family member and friend who have supported me throught this vile addiction. I cant explain what triggered my angst to get help, maybe the realisation of lost money (this has never caused me to stop before) or maybe at 0600hrs on October 11th, I finally admitted to myself I am a Compulsive Gambler and I needed help urgently.
The whole of Friday I despaired about what I had done and the consequences of my actions, I considered ending my life (a thought that terrifies me now), I cried, I panicked and I searched the internet for help both emotional and financial help. I eventually came to my senses and called GA who advised me to attend a meeting as soon as I could. I attended my first meeting that night and at last felt there is light at the end of the tunnel.
On the Friday and over the weekend, I admitted to my husband and other family members of my actions, of both excessive gambling and my realisation of my need for professional help. I admitted that in the past I had never had the full desire to stop gambling but on Friday, something has started to seperate that impulsive need to gamble with the more powerful desire to stop. My head is still in turmoil with my finances and the effect of my actions on my husband. The remorse and hatred for myself I feel is unbearable but my lovely supportive family are helping me to face up to the reality of being a Compulsive Gambler. I dont like the label but it is what I am and I have to accept the fact of what I am.
I know it will be a long hard road to recovery, but I am fully committed to attending meetings every week and progressing to lead a life of peace and tranquility with absolutely no worries or urges and desire to gamble any more.
Today I am only 4 day's free of gambling, in the past I have abstained for much longer but if I am honest the desire to stop was never there.
This is serious stuff now and my desire to stop has never been stronger, I have to rewire my thought processes and learn to live a happy life without gambling in it.
This is day one of my diary. I am determined and will succeed in my desire to have total peace of mind.
Hope
It is the afternoon of what could have been a totally destructive night for me but today i am feeling so much better and have taken practical steps to control my gambling. I feel good for taking these steps and whilst I have no desire to gamble, I have just deleted an email telling me have £100 in an on-line slots account! Well done me! Cant and wont gamble anymore. i have no urge and desire to gamble and already feel so strong and in control. For the first time in years I have resisted. I am stronger today for doing that.
Hope
Hey well done for starting your diary your one step nearer to being a winner in life 🙂 you can do this.
Take care
The bear
Thanks for your post hope on my diary as you said we all have gone through turmoil on here I just ran away from it for too long I hope you can find peace in your life and a happy existence I know it's what we all crave and we also know gambling wont bring us it or any other addiction come to that we need to deal with what's in the way of having a happy existence not easy but possible.
Take care and stay strong
The bear x
Hey hopeless,
Thanks for the post on my diary. May we start and never finish this journey together. Despite the feeling of horror the morning/afternoon after the day before....how great it must've been to still have that £100 to start this journey. You are not starting from scratch...you have already had your first step by "winning" with £100 and coming on here. As many have said and I am sure you have read...every day without gambling is winning. You mentioned age on my diary...it doesn't matter if you start at 20,50 or 90..it's the starting that matters. Well done so far...what goals and rewards have you set yourself?
Hi, welcome to the forum. Your story is very similar to mine though I haven't had the courage to tell all my family, just my husband and he doesn't even realise the extent of my debt.
I have relapsed a few times over the years - I am currently over 18 weeks gamble free and I think that is due to a few things:
~ Gamcare! It is a life saver
~ I switch the TV over if any gambling ads come on
~ I block all gambling ads that come up on my FB page
~ I delete/unsubscribe from all gambling emails.
Just a few things but they have really helped me. Good luck and see you round the forum 🙂
Had a really good day yesterday, dont feel as good today but it is only the morning and my mood can change on an hourly basis, still no urge to gamble but now the wolves are at the door after money I do not possess. Will overcome this as I continue to put practical steps in place and confront the wolves head on.
My goal at the moment is to take one day at a time and continue my recovery by attending a weekly meeting of GA, I will continue to talk to my close support network i.e. my fantastic family who are helping me through this crisis. Woke with thoughts about the £100 put into an on-line account and am so angry they are still trying to entice me despite all of my hard work this week. Anyway, they are the losers this time not me, I refuse to part with a single penny in their quest for trickery, on-line gambling ads are everywhere, funnily though I am starting to ignore them and not pay the same attention as I used to. Maybe that is why I dont feel as good today, but after writing I can feel my mood lifting, it makes me feel better to know I am in control now and not the thieving, demoralising, destructive, coniving con merchants.
Feel better now. Onwards and Upwards.
Hope
Hi Hope, Thanks for your kind words on my diary. It is a battle, isn't it?! I've just read through yours and can relate to the feelings, of course, as well as the large amounts of money lost. Seems you are getting yourself into the right mindset. Remain vigilant and keep up the fight. We will beat this!
Six days today since I last gambled. Its been a tough week with lots of ups and downs, no urges to gamble but more about facing up to the consequences and reality of compulsive gambling.
The real test will be when I get paid at the end of the month and whether the urge will be there, however I have taken plenty of steps this week to overcome and protect me against the urges, 1) Installed K9 on my main PC 2) Erased all access to the internet on my mobile - passwords now required to access which my husband has and will not tell me 3) Attended GA meeting 4) Handed over all finances to my husband 5) Blocked emails with anything connected to betting/gambling 6) Banned every source of gambling inc lottery from our household and most importantly 6) Talked to my husband and family - the best therapy as they are always' here to support me.
I still feel ill at the thought of the money I have lost, I know it is still early days and I am trying to focus on the recovery part but the money will always be a nagging obstruction to me feeling good about abstaining. Hopefully, when I realise my hard earned wages are mine to keep and not to hand over to a greedy, sordid, seedy organisation my positvity will shine through.
Am going to have a good day today and remain positive about what I have taken control of already. I am also looking forward to my meeting tomorrow night, cant wait.
Hope
Just needed to write a quick post after attending GA meeting last night. The meeting was quite profound and explicit in coming to terms with this illness.
I feel so sad that so many people have suffered and others are still suffering as a result of gambling (inc myself), but listening to those recovery accounts can only inspire us all and make us into stronger individuals. The help and support and total belief in recovery at the meetings is so encouraging it makes me more and more determined to live a gamble free life.
I felt so good tonight declaring it is 1 week (now actually 8 days) since my last gamble and I will not gamble today.
I will keep up the faith and belief that I will continue to recover and for today at least 19th October 2013, "I will not gamble".
Hope
Well done for smashing the week hope. Look forward to hearing about 2 weeks next week.
Onwards and upwards!
Hanz
Had a lazy day today, had time, but no money and no desire to gamble!
Whilst I feel good about not gambling, the awful dread of finances overshadows everything. I know I am not in any position to gamble but can't help feeling so angry with myself about the waste over the last few years, I know this is self pity and it has to stop but maybe I have had too much time on my own today to think and reflect.
Any way onwards and upwards, I will be very busy and occupied tomorrow so no time to think on my own.
Really glad for Hanz he chose the right option today.
Still day 8 and today I did not gamble. (not even bought a lottery ticket-hurray)!!
Hope
Hi Hopelass
Welcome to this forum- I hope you find it as supportive as I do.
It sounds like you've made a really positive start. Reading your first post gave me a massive jolt- I remember that hellish realisation so well (I hope I never lose sight of it despite it being painful to remember).
I also empathise with those intrusive e-mails.....they go straight to my "junk" folder where they belong!
I look forward to following your progress.
Take care
Irene
x
Day 9 and still not gambled, feel so bad my husbands Mum is really ill in hospital and he is struggling so much for money to pay bills, he wont let me have any control with our finances and I know it is really upsetting him. He keeps reassuring me he is so glad I am not gambling and that is the best help for him at the moment. It makes the whole thing so much more intolerable, I absolutely detest what gambling has done to us, I will never go back after this.
Hope
Hopeless,
Well done and making it through the weekend. I can imagine how horrible it is for you....however, imagine if you were still gambling and then his mother got ill. Not only would you have even less money but you would also be preoccupied with gambling.
Onwards and upwards Hope!
Have a good Monday
Hanz
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