And breathe.......

Quick post,no gambling today been pretty busy. Happy to see the day pass with no fobts and a quiet sense of optimism being slowly replaced by a sense of realism. Onwards and upwards one day at a time x

Strange day today,finished work and had a few hours to kill before getting my son from nursery so came home and did some housework but I won't lie all I could think about was playing the fobts. I was thinking how I could just drive and play for a wee bit and win some money for the weekend.Genuinely thought I'd crack but I've got extra blocks in place and did some more housework but it was hard.Glad I just came home and didn't slip so soon but felt quite unnerving and just reiterated to me how powerful my addiction is.Im happy I didn't gamble but also slightly down about how I felt and how I guess I'm always going to feel.Theres temptation everywhere! On a positive note I didn't gamble and I am proud of that fact.I have a problem but everyday I don't gamble or play the fobts it's a little further away. 🙂 one day at a time X

So I'm back on to report of a lapse. I tried to update my diary a few times a while back but was during the time when the site was having technical issues and I couldn't get access. Anyway I've been back gambling on the fobts for a bit and lost a few quid. I'm going through a purple patch in work getting extra money so should hopefully be able to absorb my losses but was hoping to use my extra money more constructively. Had a wee up and down period with the missus and had extra money so went to the bookies. Stupidly I removed so of my blocks and techniques I had employed to help me stop gambling. I know the things I need to revert back to and things I need to do to get back on track. My missus is rubbish with money so I may ask others for help. It's pointless to hand finances over to her as we'd be eating beans and toast for ever. Anyway the problem is not her it's 100% me and my compulsion to set foot in these places never mind play these fobts. Recently I have lost a few battles and feel dreadful. The feelings of regret, guilt, etc the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. Etc I need to win this war. I need it for me, my family, my sanity and just to enjoy life. So today I set off on my journey to recovery and my goal to free myself from this quite simply horrific addiction. I can't be that guy secretly borrowing money from his friends all the time. I can't be thst guy arranging payday loans just days after being paid. I can't be that guy playing the fobts at 09:30 in the morning. I can't be that guy who plays with his son and partner knowing I'm depriving them of a better life. I can't be that guy. Today I bet on myself, today I bet on a better future. Its crazy long odds I'll succeed but I always was a mug punter. I have reinstalled blocks and self excluded etc I make no rash promises only that I remain honest with myself. I look at why I do what I do and that I fight to beat it. Hi everyone my name is Craig and I'm a compulsive gambler

Funny the grand plans you make after a relapse. I'm going to save money,I'm going to go to the gym,healthy body healthy mind etc to be honest I'd just settle for racking up gf days. Every time I relapse I make grand plans about the road ahead and come out with great pearls of wisdom when the truth is I just need to focus on the everyday things and not play those stupid fobts. I've put more blocks in place and this is a god start. ITS like the old saying look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.Just gotta take it one day at a time.I can't win because I can't stop!

Unfortunately you can put all the blocks in place you like it won't work if you don't want to change personality traits you have. I am no different to you. I been trying years to give up fortunately i have made changes to how i think, this addiction is with us for life and we have to take each day literally.There is no cure for compulsive gambling that's why we have to try everyday for the rest of our lives giving up is not a ten minute wonder.You can stop if you want many people have given up gambling for 30 yrs or more that's not the same as being cured.

Best wishes Johnny 57

Thanks for your post johnny57 I agree with what you're saying. Amongst the various quirks of playing the fobts is that it's never likely to be a massive win, not like the pools or lottery etc so by wasting hundreds, and thousands of pounds overtime if I hadnt played them I could've actually had the life I seek by just grafting and being gf! My journey is yet again in its infancy but having closed one of my final doors for gambling it feels strange. There's no euphoria or daft plans being made its just the cold hard realisation of living each day trying to stay gf and keep my addiction at bay. Gambling has been by my side for over 20 years and seems funny to think of life without it but despite the obvious financial implications its had for me it's the mental aspect that recently I grew tired off. The anguish the guilt etc So I tick off another day gf and strive towards my target of 10 days,one day at a time x

New beginning wrote: its just the cold hard realisation of living each day trying to stay gf and keep my addiction at bay.

I know EXACTLY what that cold, hard realisation feels like, I really do.

Just remember though, the realisation and the living out are two separate entities... The realisation/transition is cold and hard but the experience doesn't have to be. If you want it to be at work at it - it could be enriching, enthralling, enlightening and most importantly enjoyable. Yes, enjoyable. If you're going to live this amazing, incredible life appreciating what's pure and simple in life and free of gambling then why not go the whole hog and blooming well enjoy it and all. We don't get 2nd lives where we can do things a bit differently this time. This is it friend... Blooming well enjoy it because one day the days run out (sorry to end on a morbid vibe there but you get my point right) :o)

Hey signalman thanks for your post. I agree with what your saying and to a degree I do live life to the full. I lost my mum at an early age and fully appreciate how fragile life can be, and generally I do OK. I have a great family good job, car etc but I could have so much more, I could provide so much more. So I've devised a little plan to help me. I've got a couple of savings jars and a savings account and I plan on putting any extra money away and watch it grow. Granted it may only be a copper jar or a few quid here and there but it'll be a start and when it gets to a decent amount I'll reward myself and family with something. May be as simple as the cinema or dinner or it could be a little break away. I need to try something and by concentrating on this it'll also serve as a distraction for me. Everyday I don't gamble I win. The financial side of things I made peace with a long time ago but the toll it had taken and still does to a certain extent was and is brutal so I look forward to a clearer mindset. Its a long journey and one I will keep trying to make as long as I have the fight in me. One day at a time x

Another day and still gf. Still early days but happy the way things are going along. Not much to say as knackered from work and due in tomorrow again. Keep busy,keep gf! Enjoy your weekend folks

A weekend gf!!!!! Feel great,I know it's only a small thing but it's another wee bit of success on a long journey. To often we beat ourselves up about our failures and how rubbish we are but we seldom acknowledge how well we do at times. One day at a time 🙂

Not sure what to say or what to type. Slipped back into old ways and found myself back at the roulette wheel. My self loathing and sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach are back and it's groundhog day again. Won't go into to much details but had been doing really well and getting overtime at work etc so I guess I let my guard down and thought I could have a small wager. I found a shop I'm not excluded from and from there it was a disaster. I lost money and then ended up chasing my losses. I have been putting in long hours in my work only for me to hand it over to the bookie in minutes pretty much. It's back to square one. Put new blocks in place and pay back extra money I borrowed. Idiotic decisions. I'm 42 and still it lurks within. I hate it but I'm determined to beat it in the long term.