Angel From Montgomery

I don't need to eat about it. I don't need to gamble about it. I don't need to worry about it. I don't need to fix it. I don't need to control it. What will be will be with or without me. Just be still.

Doing well. I feel much calmer without the iPad. I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. Lesson learned: games like the ones I was playing "for fun" where one plays for virtual "coins" IS still gambling. Probably even worse in some ways. Cold turkey is the only way. Broken triangles, definitely help with abstinence but maintenance requires courage and commitment. I would prefer an easier softer route but it's time to don my happy pants and get glad. I might like a pony too but, it ain't gonna happen. -joan

Well done Joan,

I didn't miss my laptop (my partner in crime) when OH whisked it away and then keep it in his locker at work, I thought I would but I was so disgusted with just seeing it there at the end, it was a release when he took it lol.

Take care and keep winning for real.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne! I injured my lower back pulling air conditioning units out of the windows a few weeks back. Yesterday while reaching for a bottle way back in the fridge something just gave and I was unable to straighten up. The pain is excruciating. So I'm sat here on the couch resting when all of a sudden a thought interrupts my mindlessness. It was an image of a game and of course on the fantasy screen was a fantasy win... Where does this s**t come from and why???? Is this an urge? Is this how it starts? The chances of me winning a jackpot and keeping the money is the same as spotting a flock of flying pigs. Never gonna happen...

Hi Joan... I rememeber 2 or 3 years ago, I had a trapped nerve in my neck, on-going nagging pain 24 hours a day. I relapsed badly one day, it seemed to be the only thing that gave me relief from that pain, atleast that's what I told myself in that moment.

Like you say, if i'd of won the jackpot and more it would have made no difference. It all goes back.

Pigs really don't fly... it's official

Your back will get better with a little time and patience.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Hi Joan,

Ouch about your back, that's all you need :((, am not surprised one bit you had a vision of a ridiculous fantasy game with a fantasy win with all the lights and sounds going lol, make no mistake Joan, as Suzy (on here) said gambling did deep fry our brain I still now wake up,at least twice a week, thinking I have gambled again again for a minute, and for that minute all the sick panicky feelings flood through my body and soul, until,I realise I did not, but then I panic and feel stressed for another couple of minutes wondering why I still wake up feeling like this at times,

Don't think our scars through gambling will ever go, but everyday we make that choice to not gamble on that day,,we do actually win,and we are definitely being kind to ourselves for that day.

You are doing sooo well now, keep strong, keep taking positives from the negatives, (there is always one somewhere lol even if we don't think so) any positive is better than letting Mr G in, because we can't stop, once we start because we have fed that addiction a little bit, and it's bloody starving, it would not let us stop.0)))

Hope your back is a lot better today, and it's not pigs that can fly, it's all our hard earned money flying out of our accounts when we feed the PIG lol.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Thanks S.A. and Suzanne!!

So, the positive side to being hobbled is there is no chance in hell that we will be visiting a casino tonight! One day at a time.

Morning:

My back is better. I've put on a couple of pounds because I'm nervous eating. Anxiety is way UP but, look ma, no gambling to report! Plumber is coming in an hour to look at the boiler. What will be will be. I have a constant loving and caring partner. I have a home and meaningful work. I get time off to do whatever I want. Moping about in a state of constant anxiety is for me, a choice. Now that the triangle is broken and there is no rolling screen to stare into I am stuck staring into me. No not great today but the blinders are off. Things aren't as bad as they seemed yesterday or the day before... joan

Hi Sis,

Good to read your update. Made up to hear you are feeling better.

Keep looking after yourself. It's so good to see you aknowledging good in your life! There is more out there and you will start noticing little tiny things giving you happiness even more as time passes by.

Hugs Hun,

Stay safe

S x

Stuck staring into me! A place that filled me with dread for many a year Joan. Getting to know and like ourselves is the one thing I am absolutely certain is crucial in recovery. Revel in our strengths and blessings & accept our shortcomings & weaknesses. A true & honest appraisal of oneself van only lead to answers. Dan

​

Thanks for your post Dan. The hours have trickled into days now that will pour into weeks and time will roll on like a river with or without me. I get the occasional fleeting fantasy. The used car salesman part of myself trying to sell me on a lemon again. Tonight Im not falling for it. I feel safe for now. -joan

Work in a couple of hours. My anxiety levels are still through the roof. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I "used" in an attempt to distract myself and maybe even silence the racket that goes on inside of my head all day and night long. By racket I mean magnification of the smallest sounds and looping thoughts. Anyway, this is to be expected. Trust and safety do not come easily to me. My guard is up all day and all night. I grew up in a mine field. This is PTSD. I have a memory of when I was 4 or 5 years old crawling into a dark closet. I was looking for a safe place to hide. the gambling is just a layer. One more dark closet. For some of us it is possible to freeze in the sun. It sucks being this exposed and scared all the time. -joan

Bless you Joan,

Gambling is just another layer.x

Sending you strong and calm thoughts to get through today.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne. I'm making my way. I haven't the vaguest idea how many days it has been. Giving up the iPad and the so called "play for fun" games was hard to do but an important step. Not having the iPad I realized how I just reached for it without thinking. Kindof like sucking my thumb that would later be traded for sweet fatty and savory salty snacks. Then into cigarettes and bourbon. It's no surprise I found gambling in my early 40s. I live alongside this empty space. There won't be any development of this space or filling it with anything or anybody. Excavating it only raises angry ghosts. Like an ancient Indian burial ground.... I live along side of it. I respect what is buried there. This space moves with me because it exists inside of me. I don't have to fear the ghosts that still wander there. They are just ghosts. There are many other places in my heart where the sun still shines and where the children can laugh and play in peace. -joan

Joan

It's been a while since I graced your thread with my ramblings lol,my dear friend often your words are ghostly akin to my own thinking but hey we are all here by and large through common ground.

The baggage we have collected does form our past but we do indeed have to learn to leave it there.

Your recovery is made up of multiple layers, like an onion, for me something of beauty, something that is fundamental to whom we are.

Your desire to find harmony compels me to do likewise.

Recovery is a wonderful thing, something nothing or nobody can take from us

Foolishly we can give it up and more importantly wisely we can give it away.

Because for me that is the greatest way to maintain it's existence.

Keep giving my friend, you, P and Ed are never far from my mind.

Duncs stepping forward never back.