Angel From Montgomery

Thank you Sis, and Duncs my old friend. I'm limping along. Now trying to salvage what's left of my sense of humor. Dressed in black brooding over loss and anchoring myself in this lonely haunted place after awhile smacks of oh woe is me. So, time to move on from this ancient burial ground.... -joan

Hi Joan

​We spend so much time trying to fill our perceived void, all most of us do is fill it up with more garbage. More gambling,drinking,s*x, eating. So perhaps try and sit with the empty feeling as long as you can. Experience it! You're not going to like it at first. But you'll adapt . You'll acclimatize yourself with it. Human beings are resilient. Addicts are especially resilient. Pain is something we've been avoiding for a long time. That's the purpose of addiction t, to cover up the pain, to shroud it. But let it in like the rollercoaster ride it is. Let it exhilarate you instead of crush you

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HI Joan,
Great to see you still on the forum, fighting the good fight.
Just catching up with a few diaries, as other have said don't be afraid to reach out, people will support you.
Good to hear you are reaching for the Cider Apples instead of the IPad Apple.
Stay strong.
Paulds

Thank you, Dan, and Paul! I guess I don't have much to say today. The only word coming to mind is, normalcy. Long may it reign! -joan

Just read Louis's post and got a real charge out of it. I have spent a lot of time focusing on counting days and pennies as a result of not gambling but, the real work IS the layer underneathe it all. I'm getting it slowly but, I'm getting it. -joan

Hi Joan

Thanks for your kind post - made me smile!

I always look out for your posts as you seem to write from the heart and have an evocative style of writing. Makes for interesting reading.

I hope you can push on with peeling back and then staring down your demons. Commitment is key, even if it is only small committed steps.

I couldn't afford private counselling but I'm very happy with the ACT stuff which only costs the price of a book. The mindfulness aspect of it is very useful for anxiety.

Take care
Louis x

Thanks again Louis. It's the last day of my work week so, has that TGIF feel to it. I'm not surprised I dreamt about gambling last night. A lot of stressors this week. If I didn't have P to lean on and laugh with I would have probably gone nutz. Relishing each moment (Dan), at least I'm trying. No longer trying to live only for the ups but embracing the downs as well. Slowing the pendulum as I ride it and striving for balance. The gambling monkey knows he is dead to me and tries to speak to me in my dreams. I'm awake now. Eyes open goggles (off) Duncs. Bring on the day. Life will always move forward and gift something which in my mind is better than stalling and nothing. -joan

Holding on but thoughts about gambling are swirling around in my head. If we start we won't stop. If we don't start we can stay stopped. One minute at a time tonight. Got as far as the computer and checking bank for extra cash. All of our money is earmarked for bills, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Just thoughts.. Had a rough week and now I just need to ride it out til tomorrow. I can do this.

Hold on tight my friend!

Hi Joan, hope you managed to get through it ok.

To expand on sitting with our emotions. If we dont offer our driving emotions a better solution they will always seek comfort in what they know will make them feel better for a short while(addiction). So sit and have a chat with them,aloud works best. Ask them what they want.What are they trying to solve for you. Are you feeling, angry,bored, helpless, unheard, resentful, lonely etc etc, do you believe you life lacks direction or you have no purpose. Recognition in the moment you feel these things is important, what most people do and are even advised to do is distract yourself, take your mind off it for awhile and it will go away. This clearly doesnt work for most as the feeling almost always returns stronger, harder until you can distract no more and your overwhelmed and powerless to not indulge your adddiction(relapse). If we instead confront the feeling and work out how we resolve how its making us feel, it is then dealt with once and for all. Other feelings will raise there head that make you want to hide but when they are dealt with and given a solution as they occur and one day at a time, they can be managed.

Thank you ODAAT, Sis, and Dan.

I did get thru the night. What I discovered when trying to sit with my feelings was that I was completely disconnected. I ask myself joan what are you feeling and I sat numb and confused. I have learned how to get in front of feelings like anger and disappointment because in the past I would rage and hurt people and property. I never hit another person but I could hurt with my words and as for property well... That I could throw, smash etc. I have learned how to stuff my anger before it turns over to rage. I eat when I'm not hungry and then when the numbness from that wears off I go to the next thing... Gambling. Last night I sat in front of the tv and watched an old 70's disaster film and scarfed back popcorn and malted milk balls. I went to bed and got up this morning raging at the dogs, the trash can, my hair, etc. I stopped myself and asked myself what the hell is this about and realized something. This was the anger and disappointment I have been carrying around with me for a couple of weeks now... I have to stop being afraid of difficult feelings. I'm not a kid anymore and I have a better handle on things. My original habit is to stuff difficult feelings. The act of gambling is a secondary habit to numb myself with. The feelings have to be felt. Like steam letting out of a kettle of boiling water. It's a start I think...

Frustration is a good word. I was thinking about the other day when I thought I had lost my iPhone. I'm driving home windows rolled up screaming on the top of my lungs. Frustration is what I feel a lot of the time. I'm beginning to think it might even be my baseline... 🙁

Agreed! Doesn't have to be always so. All of us have the ability to change our perception. To change our weaknesses into strengths. When you look back on your life and the mostly self inflicted misery we have indulged ourselves in, then it becomes clear we can overcome anything. That if we have lived to tell the tale after treating ourselves so appallingly then just imagine how we could feel if we decided to give ourselves a chance to live a life with purpose, kindness & understanding. If frustration can be replaced with acceptance & anger with resolution. If judgement can be replaced with understanding. Then a purposeful life is truly there for us to embrace

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Letting it go. That's another problem. I hold onto the pissativity. I wrap myself in it like a blanket. Be it fear, anger, frustration, with or about the situation I hang on... So, I'm at the foot of a mountain here. I have to relearn how to identify the feeling. Feel the feeling. Let it go and move on. My addictions are just stalling tactics. A way to avoid the real work of living an adult's life.

Thanks Dan, I must have been writing at the same time. I'm just flooded today because instead of gambling last night I sat with my problem! A good thing this flood of feelings thoughts etc. 🙂