Angel From Montgomery

Plugging along. I'm doing my best to stay inside of my skin as the moments turn into minutes turn into hours turn into days turn into weeks turn into months and sooooo it goes. I'm relearning how to take in each moment and not react to it. Just like scarfing back food. I needed to learn how to pace myself to savor every bite. Sitting inside a moment of fear for me feels like an eternity. Why am I so fearful? I don't know what will happen next and I don't trust what I don't know..seized by anger within a nannosecond I lash back because I'm afraid I will get hurt. Addictions my compulsion to drink bourbon whiskey until I'm drunk, eat when I'm not hungry and gambling on slot machines are failed attempts at numbing out and distracting myself in the moment. The consequences to my physical, mental, and spiritual health are many and the loss of time? I can't even put a price on that. The loss of money is the least of it and yet we are soo behind as a result of manic spending. It's no wonder I don't want to wake up from this nightmare. But, I am awake. I'm here. Im no longer expending all of my energy fighting addictions. That's like shadow boxing. I fought addictions and one addiction replaced another until I dropped from the mental exhaustion. Like a three legged dog chasing its own tail. I don't fear the dreaded urge. Urges are to be expected. Now for me it's about the moments. I can live in constant fear and dread or I can live in wonder and deliberation. If sh i t happens and it will I could say well then, that's certainly some sh it now, what are the next steps? And, move on and on and on..

Sitting inside of a moment of fear feels like an eternity. In that moment the outer life or the active life goes on all around me. In a state of hightened vigilance I flinch at the slightest sound. I have likened this state of being to PTSD. I am reacting to past trauma. I don't trust. I have learned how to appear calm. To smile. To be polite. To follow rules. To walk "the line". Inside there are marines posted at every poimt along my personal boundary line. I'm am poised in a permanent state of defense. I don't really know what it feels like to relax without drugs, alcohol, food, or gambling. On the surface I appear fully functional. I can hold down a job and have relatively healthy relationships. I am not a fraud. I am just always ready for an apocalyptic let down. Something bad is gonna happen. That's how I get by minute by minute. It's no wonder I'm agitated and frustrated most of the time.

I've just read a huge chunk of your diary & I could cry, I really could...I know you don't want bullsh17 & sympathy but I don't understand why you are so f*****g hard on yourself all the time 🙁 I don't understand your childhood trauma but f**k me, from what I have read you are one of the strongest people I have ever met & you absolutely deserve the happiness you have found with P! It is great to have seen Bonnie go from strength to strength through your continued abstinence & I feel as if I know Bertha personally...'She' has your fighting spirit! Your Dad didn't love alcohol more than you...He was an addict so @ some point he would have hated alcohol more than life itself! Just as Ed would have given it up in a heartbeat to stop your pain, if he could have done! I know you quit alcohol...I guess they just never had your strength! I didn't know Judy but seems to me that with a 3 second memory she may have not even realised what she was fighting for but you, you have walked every step of your life...For you to be this resilient with every painful memory is nothing short of incredible! There's no way I'll be taking my Mum in if the time comes!

Sit with those fears Joan but don't punish yourself for things you can't control! You have dealt with every trauma that has come your way as you will continue to do so...Remember, don't bother bother!

Thanks K! Got up this morning finding it hard to motivate myself. Back in the day I used gambling as a motivational prompt. Do a good job on the kitchen and make that toilet bowl sparkle and get a couple of hours at the casino as a prize. I'm ashamed to admit that but that was how I got thru stuff I didn't really want to do. Well, the kitchen is clean and the toilet is sparkling. Im sat here watching the sun going down and still thinking about "it". What stops me now is knowing that I can't stop once started. The reward for cleaning is a clean house. The reward for working recovery is the peace of mind knowing I can take back control. I don't have to give my power over to an urge.

Steady, as she goes....

Steady as she goes, even if we have to tread on eggshells, as long as we slowly walk on by, we are doing just fine.

Always reading always listening, you are doing just fine.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne. Just when I thought I was safe... Holidays always seem to trigger difficult feelings. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Times typically associated with love togetherness family and joy... I find myself looking for cover. I have to remind myself this is old stuff. This is the past. Let the ghosts rest. Let the love and light in. P is planning a Thanksgiving feast. It will be just "us" a party of three. P, mom, and me. All I have to do is be. It's mild for late November. I think I will go outside and soak in some sunshine.

G' morning Sis 🙂

Sat here nursing post night shift headache and happened to come across your thread...the diary of an amazing soul who always fights and never gives up! Inspirational diary from a beautiful heart ☺

I know how upcoming 'festive' season brings memories back. Past is past as you rightly say, you have a lot to appreciate and aknowledge in this "moment". Here & now.

Look around you...you will have souls bringing you peace and calm in ur heart.
You are not on your own with your feelings Hun...

Right now I'm trying to think of something uplifting and actually see all of you my lovely friends this Xmas day :
Soulie getting her grill in motion with some steak and all mighty pepper (eye popper) to boot lol (believe me, that girl still on a mission of successful /fruitful plant celebration :-D)
Carla will be as lovely as always and inviting us all to chilly Canada! Just like that badger huh...remember that vid? Bless her heart!
Shiny pants with her ever so wise words and welcoming soul also. I actually already see her "Ho ho hoing" at work do's. Sorry girl, but someone gotta give huh 😉
Duncs as always putting his amazing cooking skills into practice, maintaining the posture while delivering service for hungry nation - just so he sees more smiles around ☺ hugest heart for human being...brave heart indeed!
Rach...hmmm..ya guessed right - horizontal on the settee lol while ger animal sanctuary keeps her well in check & puts smile on her face! Dotty on patrol for sure ☺
Our DF on that amazing houseboat! ( it gets chilly in winter but the fire in her amazing soul can melt any threats of ice). Ohhh...i would love to see that view from the window in early morning, when river just about waking up from deep nights sleep.
...lol...ya know what, i near enough lullabied myself to sleep here...i guess writing thoughts down can help as much as reading.

...just wanted to remind you that we're always close by, holding the rope tightly and willing you on. Whatever the weather and however deep that pond is - none of us will ever let go.

Stay strong, stay at peace.
You deserve it.

Goodnight/good morning
Have a peaceful day

S x

Morn'in Sis. Thanks for popping by.. Thanksgiving Day today. I'm content to be hunkered down in our little house surrounded by family: P, ma, Winnie, Scout, and, our latest addition Paradise, "Parry" the love bird. ODAAT, Bertha thanks you for the shout out. God willing she will make it the whole season! Happy and thankful today, because I choose to be.

And, of course the evening rolls around and the thoughts about gambling on slots come on hard and heavy. Habit. I ain't falling for it. I'm content to just sit here with myself. I'll take the peace over chaos. I know that everything will look much better in the morning.

Can't quite figure out the time difference but hopefully you wake this morning proud of you!

You may 'ramble' for you but never underestimate what your journey gives to others, especially with your flair for writing!

Happy belated Thanksgiving Day to you & all your family!

Thanks ODAAT! I think the time difference is anywhere from 5 or 6 hours.. Anyway, it's morning here. I wish I could say I feel relieved and reenergergized. I don't, but, I'm not in the dumps either. I'm kindof liking the middle lane. Just bumping along. Here an urge there an urge but, they are rarely little clouds of disassociated thoughts. When I think about it it's me trying not to be me in the moment. Being myself in the moment is oftentimes accepting that my life is not going to be a constant streaming laugh-o-rama. gambling on slots for me is never gonna be like going bowling or going to a movie. If I start I know I won't stop. S.A. If we win I guarantee we won't be driving in new cars! We don't win because we don't stop. I have never experienced financial gain as a result of a gambling win. The sole purpose of winning is to perpetuate the act. To remain in the zombie zone. I can remember recently crying on the way home because the money was gone and I couldn't play anymore. I'm 55 ffs.... My name is joan and I am a recovering compulsive gambler. Time to walk into the wild to see and hopefully embrace whatever life gifts me today... It's probably not going to be a pony..

Hi Joan,
Sending you some support from the UK. Sounds like you are having a tough but thoughtful day. You are right in that not every day is a bed of roses and handmade chocolates, sometimes we have to dig in and brace ourselves for the storm of urges coming our way.
There are however lots of golden moments which punctuate the down moments, the little actions and words that make us smile, moments we would have previously lost in the fog of gambling.
Allow yourself a pat on the back Joan you are doing a great job, you have been through so much and still here telling the tale.
Stay safe and strong.
Paulds

Better late than never - Happy Thanksgiving day girl!

Keep staying safe Hun..i am so proud of you for finding that strength and looking ahead. 0lease aknowledge how your diary is important to you, please keep posting...it is always better to get stuff on black and white & as everyone said - you have a gift of writing we are all fortunate to witness and receive. Thank you!

S x

Ps. I'm sure Soulie mentioned Buffalo last year...i thought you have turkey for this day? ...saying that, girl just sizzles anything what moves lol...looovvveeeeeve you girl if you read!

Thanks Sis. Navigated safely through the first of three major holidays. Times when trips to the casino would take center stage leaving family and friends in the shadows. I have a long way to go and may never fully embody the spirit of Christmas (whatever that is) but I am getting closer to living purposefully inside of my own skin and living less from distraction to distraction. We celebrated with my 7 year old niece last night. She is 8 months into treatments for leukemia and has been given a 90 percent chance of survival. She has about a year and half of chemo treatments to go. We as a family have come a long way since that horrible night back in March, when she was first diagnosed. It's easy to use what feels like at times life kicking me in the a*s as an excuse to say fukitol. It's harder to face life on life's terms and remember to say thank you. I'm not a saint ffs. Just typing on the iPhone sends me off in a tailspin. Life happens one moment at a time. I guess for me it's about living in each moment as it comes without judgment but, acceptance.