Angel From Montgomery

Thank you for posting that Joan,

You have inspired me today, in every way.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne. Change is slow yet forward movement, progress, is made as I peel back one layer at a time. Denial is a good word. One worth exploring. Bells and whistles, smoke and mirrors; I have created my own drama in an effort to mask the real issues. Destroying my credit is an example. Now, I have to fix my relationship with money and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Denial is a lie I have told myself so often that I have taught myself to believe it. I can go for years in a state of denial. Admitting to myself that I have a lot of fears helps me look at it. Helps me deal with it. Trying to cover it up never works. Once I look at something for what it really is there is a chance I could let it go. In addiction I have become an emotional hoarder. Buried alive in my own sh it. In recovery I am taking steps to clean house. To finally get rid of some of this sh it that simply no longer serves me.

Box of sh. it number 1: the need to appear in control even when I'm not. My overall fixation with appearances. My fear of being judged and of failure. My desire to be perfect in every way.

Haha brilliant post as usual Joan. What are you doing with my box of sh#t!! That stuff in the box used to be so important to me and one of the crazy things was my desire to impress strangers, didn't give a flying f##k about impressing those that mattered, guess I figured it was a waste of time if they already new the truth. When I did get round occasionally to throwing the rubbish out of that box guess what I did next? Filled it up with even more useless sh#ite.

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Wow Joan, nail on the head once again. Still trying to declutter physically after downsizing to the boat and as fast as it goes another pile appears, parallels emotionally are clear to me now.

Your last two lines I could have written myself, over and over. Methinks I have to rethink.

Still think of your niece often, my friends are both hanging on in there which is unbelievable given their diagnosis a few months ago.

xxx

Thanks Dan and H. !!

God help me today. The thought processing in the mind of a recovering addict going something like this: I am anxious. I have acid reflux. I am worried we can't afford fix whatever is going to break down. We have money that I have saved to pay off a credit balance that is over 5 years old. Pay the bill. No, use that money to treat yourself to a go on the slots. Fast forward: a go on the slots results in a catastrophic loss. Nothing gets paid for and all of my worries are now compounded by being broke. I am sick of being addicted to losing!!!!!! So, the money went to the bill. The acid reflux will resolve itself and my worries? Well, that's another box of sheeit that I need to sort thru. I need to figure out what to do with that waste of mental energy. I'm glad I was able to get past the urge to gamble but, I need to manage worries.

Note to self: "don't bother bother til bother bothers you!" - grammie

"Shadows on the ceiling hard but not real like the bars that cage me within myself." -Stephen Stills

At times I am a prisoner of my own mind. I have to constantly remind myself that most of my thoughts are random. No real rhyme or reason to them. The only way I am ever going to free myself from all of this worry and fear is to LIVE in the present. I have got to stop ruminating over the past and fretting over the future. The past and future are my shadows on the ceiling. They keep me imprisoned within my own mind. Doing "time" inside the imagined walls of my own prison I find myself reaching for anything to help me pass the time. My addiction to slots has nothing to do with accumulating money. It's the path of least resistance That I take in order to release the endomorphine that I have led myself to believe I need in order to survive on the inside of my own private prison.

Hi Joan,

"I find myself reaching for anything to help me pass the time.".... and yes the gambling is the path of least resistance. I am much the same.

Life is for living as many people say. trouble is am not quite sure how to live and not just exist. But I carry on carrying on nonetheless.

Sorry that this is a bit down beat. Ive been isolating the last few days and mood and thoughts inevitably become downbeat.

Keep working at it as I do the same... S.A 🙂

Thanks for popping by S.A. And never feel bad for not feeling upbeat. I guess I was responding to the question of the day. For me the slots became my drug of choice. I reach for drugs for the same reason everyone else does. To relieve pain. The source of my pain runs very deep. I survived the past but it haunts me to this very day and at times makes me fearful. Immobilizing fear of what already happened causes me to fear and dread what is yet to happen. I learned to trust no one and no thing. I am only learning now that life exits because of death. Having exists because of loss. I have a choice. I can embrace the present and live each moment with an open mind and heart or, I can roll up in a ball and drag myself thru the hours. Like in that Stephen King story, The Shawshank Redemption: I can either get busy living or get busy dying. I don't know how or why I wound up in this prison but, I know that I deserve my freedom as I committed no crime. The one thing that can never be taken from me Is my hope. I am never giving up.

Hey Judy,

Reading and listening, sending you a big hug ((((Judy)))))

Life is what it is, it is our choice to try and make it the best we can, for ourselves and our families, whatever weather we have gone through, we are still here, and we have to respect the fact we wake up every day to a new day with new possibilities, even though we have hang ups, we have to respect ourselves and we can because this recovery journey can be soo hard at times.

Keep strong, you are doing brill.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne. I'm just sat here thinking I'm gonna be ok. I hope everybody out there will be ok tonight too. One moment at a time. xxx

You may be in prison Judy but keep rooting around in that box of doo & sooner or later you'll find the key! Those shadows can leave you frozen with fear but keep turning on the light switch to chase them away, for they are shadows, they cannot physically hurt you!

Words are so much easier than actions & knowing that we need to be happy doesn't make us so but smile next time you are down (not to anyone in particular because you might look a bit deranged) & see if you don't feel a bit of warmth shiver through you!

Shout out to P & all the other important 'people' in your life & I'm not one for dishing out hugs but ((Bertha)) for keeping you warm when the darkness creeps around you!

Thanks ODAAT. Bertha is not much of a hugger herself but says right back atcha!

Not too proud of myself today. Did I gamble? No. But, I might as well have because I'm behaving like a "dry drunk". Dragging myself around. Forgetting what I have and longing for what I don't. It's bu l l shee it and I know it! It takes effort to get up with a smile and some gratitude. I get there eventually but that first hour or two of poooooooor me. Grrrrrrr. Anyway, not gambling is the first step but, keeping my thoughts from sinking into the swamp of sh ee it... That's the real work! Gonna go now and sit with my mind, and pray for peace. One breath at a time. -joan

This bloody addiction has many disguises Joan, it tries every way it can to make us believe it's us.

I hope you find peace quickly today, the addiction will simply hate that.

Take care and keep safe.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne. Feeling low and agitated today. Peeling back the layers and sometimes finding the process painful. If I believe I'm a rag then I think like a rag. If I think like a rag then I behave like a rag. The habit is formed and I am destined to continue to live like a rag and eventually die a worn out rag. OR, I change my belief. I am not a worthless rag. I stop thinking like one. Stop behaving like one. Arrest the habit and redefine my destiny. Easier said than done. Realizing that I have been mistreating myself all these years is painful. Waking up realizing I have been working my a s s off to support a gambling habit makes me sick and ashamed. But, every new day is an opportunity to make the change. I'm getting there. -joan