Angel From Montgomery

After some thought I have made the decision to finally let the 'ol diary go. Thank You, Gam Care. Thank You, diary. Thank You All! -joanxxx

Sorry to read that Joan, you have been on here a lot longer than me, I have always read your honest diary, (even though I have not always commented) but this is your diary, your personal outlet to vent your thoughts, where will you vent them now?:))

Just a thought my friend to move away from here means moving away from this addiction, but with much respect to you dear Joan, we can stop coming on here by choice, but we can't make that addiction go away.

Take care, keep safe and think of you, it's your time now.

Suzanne xxx

Errrr...where are you going? Are we on "ditch the GC" challenge :-D...

Kidding of course. I love your thoughts Sis and will be forever greatful for your support, kindness and authenticity (prob spelled wrong) you always provided & still doing so!

Anyhooooooo.....catch you soon on emails 😛 ...ya can run but cannot hide!

Hope you will keep talking on here.......just do what is best for you & YOU only ☺

S xxx

Hi Joan... I will miss you and your thoughts.

If ya change your mind, sweep the dust of your diary....

Take care... S.A 🙂

Thank You dear S.A

Diary:

After a lovely cyber chat with a good friend and "Sis" I decided that chucking my diary might be more of a self punishment than good medicine. The truth is I've been going through a challenging period at work and topped it off with a gambling stint. I didn't want to face up to it so chucked the diary and crawled into a ball. Since then with a little help from a friend I have gotten back up and back in the saddle. A little bruised but far from broken. I've come to far to give up hope now. It's all any of us really have. A little hope and each other. Sandra thanks for reminding me that this diary belongs to me and that I must learn to accept myself warts and all. Gonna do my best going forward to commit to my continued recovery and this little space. I'm here. I'm calm. I'm not gambling. -joan

Hey you!....little...pppaaannnddaaaaaa ☺ ..hope you used my lovely advice and applied it to your work lol

Our diaries is our own space to dump, share, smile, laugh, cry! As ya know, building stuff in these heads is not healthy :-(...i start slipping in old pattern of that, but hey - got my shovel at the ready here & fighting just for another day..

Look after yourself and keep talking girl

S x

Thanks Sis.

I was just thinking... I'm a f*****g rhymes with trucking survivor!! I've pulled thru much worse than this latest BS and lived to tell about it. I will survive... I am one strong mother f****r rhymes with trucker.

Reading some tonight and finding that this club folks refer to often feels to me more like middle school. Neener neener look at me... Jeezus some folks are struggling. Have some compassion. In 12 step program rooms all one has to be is willing to admit they have a problem. On here you have to aspire to be a club member and if not you are treated like a pariah. I'm struggling yes. I'm not gambling. I don't need a big pat on the back. I would like to see more compassion and less ego stroking. It's nauseating....

Hi Judy

I'm not sure precisely to which posts you refer, but I agree that compassion and non-judgement should be the corner stones of any recovery environment. It should probs be the basis of any kind of group work at all. I mean christ it's kind of short-memory syndrom for gamblers to get high and mighty.

Glad you didn't stop posting. As you pointed out, you wouldn't have been stopping for the right reasons. In any event, I would have missed you as I always look out for your posts as they seem honest and self-reflective in an interesting way.

I bang on probably too much about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). When I read your posts, I sometimes wonder if you have followed it as you seem to be inclined that way, if that makes sense. You probably just have a more natural ACT compass than me, which is great.

All the best

Louis

Thanks Louis!

"Someone else's opinion of me ain't none of my business."

I have been a member of this forum for years. I have fallen down more times than I can count. I have at times spent more time in here playing the mutual admiration society kind of games that go on on this site. In doing so I must make the proper assumption then that I have participated in making others feel bad or left out. Rigorous honesty is something that I have been working on for years. It begins with me being honest with myself. Falling down does not automatically constitute a full blown relapse. For me making mistakes and failure is a part of learning. If I get hot under the collar or frustrated with another diarist the question I put to myself is what do you care and why??? Rigorous honesty is a beeeatch and it begins with me examining my most inner thoughts and beliefs. Beware of those lies of omission. Denial! Don't even know I'm lying. In AA we used to say a person is only as sick as their secrets. I'm too busy to write on 10 diaries a day. I have enough trouble minding my own. An occasional pop in makes sense to me and we all need affirmation. We all need to feel valued. References to clubs just turn me off. This is an all inclusive scene. I had a recent setback. I was feeling low and undeserving of help. Someone on here reached out to me as I lay there in my own "muck" as SA would say and said, get up and get on with it sister. Today I'm grateful and back writing on my own diary...

So, em, Dear Diary,

I'm sat here thinking about old wounds and why at times it seems

I have an aversion to healing. If the wound and the pain defines me it is the wound and the pain I defend and cling to. Fear sucks! I need a new story. One that doesn't include the sordid details of abuse. Is it possible? That's what I'm working on these days. Gambling addiction, alcohol addiction, over eating is pretty much all the same for me. Addiction keeps me in the pain that I have allowed to define me. I'm trying to write a new story. Trying to convince myself what Carly Simon once sang " suffering was the only thing that made me feel I was alive" I am looking forward to the day when I can sing out with pride " I havent got time for the pain. I haven't got room for the pain".

Diary ( I say in a whisper)

It's getting a little weird in here. People are writing down thoughts on their own threads and getting pounced on. What's up with that? Anyone reading this please understand that you do not need to ascribe to anything I think or say. Rigorous honesty as I have come to understand it begins with me being honest with myself. Self exploration. Moral inventory. Humility. Being honest with ones self does not include doing another person's moral inventory. If I write something like I don't like clubs that's my worry and nobody else's. I'm not responsible for another person's impression of me. Jeez the veil of civility is quite thin. Rest assured if I get P****d I set these feelings down on my own page. Then ask MYSELF why am I P****d?? ( rymes with missed) God I hate that we can't speak plainly without getting censored. Just adds to the chaos and misery on here. The point is my angst is sometimes misdirected. The source is more likely inside of myself. I'm thinking what's happening might be the downside to getting too used to jumping on other peoples diaries. The boundaries get messy.

Good post Joan,

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne!

Diary:

It's me again. It feels like I'm having diarrhea of the diary today. I'm just gonna go with it. So, if I write something on my own thread like, I hate clubs and high fiving it is likely something I have not yet fully processed. In other words I don't always run my thoughts and words through a washing machine. However, when I apply process to my thoughts my inner dialogue might go something like this; why joan, does this person's success and the celebration of their success bother you? And, I respond umm because this person's success and celebration of it reminds me of my own failure. I'm essentially jealous. I'm probably not making a lick of sense here but that's the beauty of this thing. I'm not running for president of the United states-- just trying to be a better joan. Bottom line: sometimes I write down raw feelings to look at and process later. If my raw feelings cause a reader to get triggered then the reader needs to examine their own reaction. My head and hands are currently full. I get jealous sometimes of folks who don't fall down as much as I do. I own the jealousy part. It's all part of my inner process. I'm not gonna whitewash my feelings to people please. but, I think it's important to respect another person's boundaries.

Woo hoo....
The first time I got your post at first time of reading....

Spit, spew it out and a high five coming your way☺