Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur lovely post on my diary and 4 ur continued support. It means a lot 2 me 🙂

I am soooo happy that u r ok and u r back 2 work, I am sure u r relieved!

As 4 the grieving, it sounds like u r going thru a tough time.... sometimes I think we just have 2 accept how we feel and not try and be strong or put on a brave face... sometimes it is ok 2 be sad and upset.... We r only human, I never use 2 believe this until a good friend of mine pointed this out in chat and I think it's true.

Just my thoughts, I hope I haven't said the wrong thing!

I am always here 4 u Joan 🙂

Stay strong xxxx

Hi Judy

Just a quick thanks for your support and i'm doing good!

Keep strong, Ed is in a happier place away from all the pain now and i'm sure time will gradually ease your pain.

Always look out for you even if i'm not posting on mine

Keep Strong

Lucy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

HI Joan,

So happy to see you got a clean bill of health, you must be so releived.

Grief is such a strange emotion something i had never really experienced on this level until my dad died. I totally get the waves part i have described it that way to people when i speak about it, One minuete you are ok the next woosh it hits you all over again. I have never experienced such a pysical pain in my life. One thing i have learnt is that its no good locking it away and not just going with it, that had such a terrible effect on me both physical and mental, at one point last year I think i was heading for a breakdown as i was trying to bury it all inside.

Just go with it joan as best you can, take the good times when they come and try and ride out the big waves.

Take care of yourself.

Blondie xxx

Hi Joan,

Just a quick post to say Im thinking about you and hope that today is a better day.

take care

blondie x

.....thinking about you too Joan xxx

(((J))

xx

r and d x

Thanks so so much Blondie and Rach..

Well Diary,

I am back to being up most of the night again. Luckily today class was cancelled b/c of snow. Insomnia sucks! My thoughts are stuck too. I am getting nervous b/c if my stress levels go up any more than they already are I will be back doing stupid self destructive mind numbing things. That's my MO. The good news I guess, is that I am aware of this now and can see it coming whereas before I just slid into mode and woke up broke, desperate and ashamed. Grief sucks too. I think I am affraid of being angry, but, if I was being honest, I would say that I am very very angry with him not for dying but for lying to me about getting better. He had a major medical incident last fall as a result of ETOH abuse and afterwards tried to tell the family he had a heart attack. I knew he was bull sh itting b/c I spoke with the nursing staff that cared for him and he had been admitted for an overdose. When he was back home he called to apologize for putting the family through all of that worry and admitted to me it was not a heart attack. It was at that time I asked him if it was an accident and he said yes definitely, and not to worry. He would never do anything to hurt himself. He lied to me!!!! Now I keep thinking maybe I should have answered that text, or asked more questions, or offered him help... His messy death has left me feeling angry and unable to sleep at night!!! I think to myself, if I had pulled a stunt like this he would have never been able to live with it. My impulse is to erase what I just wrote. I feel like a traitor for saying these things. I really loved him and I miss him and want to be able to text him and send him stupid pics but I can't... I'm just ranting and it seems useless but, I trust a few others on this site who have told me time and time again that it helps to just spew so, I've spewed for what it's worth. Take Care everybody and thanks for listening. -joanx

Hi Diary,

Just finished shoveling out the back lot and the front. All that is left is the sidewalk in front of the house and P can do that when she comes home. It felt great slinging that snow over my shoulder. I needed to do something physical. Now it's time for the Ibuprofen lol! I might have overdone it just a bit but, I cannot believe how much energy I have since having that parathyroid adenoma removed! Elevated Ca levels is a terrible terrible thing. I am here to say that having the surgery was the smartest thing that i have done in a long time. No thoughts about gambling. What a freeking waste that is. Work tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. Some tensions brewing between mom and me but that's for another time. I still think it has to do with the past bubbling up to the surface. I feel terrible for not being able to read and write on others diaries. Sometimes I feel like there is pressure to do so but, that is clearly all in my own mind. Did I mention that when I am anxious I get a little paranoid? Well, yeah, I do I guess. Sigh... Well, I am not drinking, eating or gambling my problems away today so, that is somehthing I guess.. Thanks for listening. -joanxx

always reading Joan...no pressure...keep in your oblong box... its safe there...

Also forecast snow here too UK wide...

Surgery rocks! .. a real energy boost for you.

hugs

r and d xx

Joan.

I would like just to re-itterate what Rach said.

Its your box,they don't charge rent for it.it is yours gratis to do with what suits you my dear friend.

Our support as always unconditional.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Joan,

Just popping in2 say I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

I am thinking of u!

We r all here 4 u if u need us 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxx

Just read your posts on my diary, Charlotte thank - you "we are all here if you need us" made me cry.. Just feeling sh it right now.. Trying to stay focused. Work keeps me busy but, times when I am alone my mind starts to go to the sadness. Folks have reassured me that I can keep saying the same things without fear of getting jumped on.. That's just it, I feel like I am going in circles round Ed's death. I think in some ways I may still not completely believe it. Ugh! Physically, I have alot of energy. I'm cleaning like a fiend so, the house is looking pretty good. lol. Going to see my niece to celebrate her birthday today. Mcdonalds, cake and ice-cream. She is such a little sweetheart! Not gambling yet. Getting close to the edge though. I know people don't like to hear that. Makes some nervous about their own recovery. I just need to confess these thoughts. See them in writing. Gambling has brought me nothing but bankruptcy both monitarily and spiritually. Stupid fricking slots! Soo stupid and yet I feel like I am drawn like a magnet. I have too much to lose. Like Rainbows says "it is a wonderful life". I have got to get out of the dumps I just need to figure out how.. Thanks for listening. -joanxx

hey Joan..

its early days...to me the first year is still early days and the first xmas and birthdays are a milestone that have to be felt.

You can absolutely say the same things over and over all you like.. you go to any lengths my friend .

Here we have an organisation for bereavment called "Cruse" not sure if you have that in the U.S.

MIlkman left a post on Blondies diary about triggers that made sense so i know you are not alone and it is hard to adjust after a shock or change of routine and get back to "normal".

Don't force anything Joan...not sat here with a stopwatch..you grieve in your own way in your own time..you are still in shock...

Charlottes right...

hugs

r and d

Joan.

The guilt of unspoken verse,i can see why you feel like you sit on a carousel. You Will find a time to stop the ride and get off. A lot like our compulsion to gamble, we see the devastation yet we still go at it, use it as a crutch.

To end my dear friend, you Will get through this, and i stand among many who Will you to do it unconditionally.

Do look after yourself.

Warmest regards.

Duncs.

Hi Joan,

I really feel 4 u, it is ok 2 feel sad and down sometimes even tho it is tough.... I am only just learning this myself!

I am sorry 2 hear that u have had some strong urges, but gambling won't make nething better... U will still feel sad it will just make it worst Joan... I know u know this deep down, but I also know it is tough!

U r such a brave strong lady, I meant wot I said... Pls look after u xx

Thinking of u 🙂

Stay strong xx

Thanks so much Rach, Duncs, and Charlotte, my gc family! I feel good today. Got thru last night without resorting to gambling and I feel so much stronger as a result. d**n right gambling just makes everything worse! Woke up to a beautiful clear day today so plan on getting out into it. I'm gonna accept the sadness. It is my sadness for now and I will just have to make room for it until it is time to let it go. Thanks everybody. We can stay strong and clean together -- that is both gc's and supporters alike eh Rach. Thanks again guys! -joanxxxxxx