Angel From Montgomery

It's payday friday and I am driving myself crazy with urges to gamble. This is ridiculous and completely irrational. My thought process goes something like: I worked sooo hard this week. The government is taking 50 dollars more out of my pay. This housework is completely thankless. I DESERVE some kind of compensation for all of this grief -- afterall I have earned it. Someone please explain to me how I can think for even one second that gambling and bankrupting myself is any way a treat or compensation??!! God, I just DO NOT GET my brain right now!!!!! UGH!!!!!!

I'm gonna make a cup of coffee and sit in a corner. Ridiculous gambling f***k ing bull shi t !!!!! -joan

With you in the corner keeping you company. We CAN do it.

xxx

Thanks Rainbow..

Well, diary,

It's you and me. Gambling is out for today. Cheating lying bunch of pure b.s. that it is.. I mean when I used to drink I could go out and buy a bottle and at least get good and smashed. A value for a value.. i guess. I mean, I got something for my money. But, how often did I give100 bucks to a slot parlor and got absolutely nothing. NOTHING!! God, I can remember the feeling that I would get just prior to walking out the door -- like wanting to kick the chairs and machines and even some people ( poor souls ).. I would imagine throwing a fit so unimaginable that I would wind up being taken out by the police. And, that is so sad because that is not me. That is me when I am in the throes of addiction. So, time to count my blessings I guess.

I am in a healthy relationship

I have a warm, dry, space to call my home. In it I surround myself with all of my favorite things.

I don't have a pot to pi ss in most of the time but, I have what I need and what I do have I cherish.

I have my mom -- in her someone to love and take care of.

I have got my two pups that make me laugh and love me unconditionally.

I have all of the food I can possibly eat.

I have a few very good friends.

I have this forum and all of my friends here.

I have a car that moves most of the time.

I have a job that I can stand that pays the bills.

I know I am rambling.. but, I aint gambling. The thing is; I know I have nothing to be feeling sorry for myself about. I am an addict and when I get like this I just need to remind myself that I have nothing to feel sorry for myself about. I could dredge up the past in an attempt to give myself excuses but, the bottom line for me today is: life is good and I have the same pants to get glad in. So, time to get glad. I have a book that I havent even looked at yet. I'm gonna get that book and I am gonna read the d**n thing. Thanks for listening. -joanxxx

One more thought for the day...

"A fool and his money are soon parted"

Hiya Joan

"Rambling not gambling"

I think that one liner deserves to be up there with Duncs "forward not back"..its great xx

keep rambling Joan...Duncs will be always forward and never back and you can count on me to keep dumping out the trash...lol..

Abstain and Maintain

R and D xx

I'm not entirely certain, but, I may have stolen that line from Jonb? Anyway, I just realized something. It's not that I am being an ungrateful bi tch today. I just realized that I am doing my d**n ed est to not feel again. I am just so freakin sick of feeling sad. Ya know? I really am sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gambling as escape. Yep yep yep... that's the problem tonight.. Ok well, not gonna happen. Like I said before.. I wind up giving and getting absolutely nothing. Not even an escape. A feeling like I had gotten it straight up the a**e and paid for it!! w*f?? I might as well drive down route 9 and toss twenties out the window. Urges actually beginning to subside. Anger setting in but, still better than self destructing. I wish I was a better person. I really do. -joan

Hey Joan...

You're not ungrateful at all....its all relative..please don't flog yourself mercilessly...what would you say to me?...i'll tell ya...you would say ."Be gentle on yourself not hard.

Its true you have a list of positves in your life but all those things can't take away grief..its a process hun and i guarantee you wont always feel this raw,

You are a good person Joan...don't forget that...there is no meter ticking...and you will feel sadness and anger til you reach acceptance in your own time Joan.

(((((J))))))

R and D xx

Hi Joan,

I am really touched that u took the time 2 write on my diary 2nite when u r going thru such a tough time urself!

Like Rach said be kind 2 urself Joan, u r a gr8 lady! A lot of ppl would have crumbled with wot u have been thru but u r here fighting!

I am sooooo proud of u Joan 🙂

I'm always here 4 u!

Stay strong xxxxxxxx

Thanks so much Rach and Charlotte. I was being such a rag last night and you were there listening and not judging. Folks really need to realize what a blessing this sight is.

Anyway, back to you Diary:

I made it through yesterday and last night without venturing to the casino. Without gambling. I'm not going to lie. The urges to do it were torture but, I got through it. I found a new channel on cable that I am absoulutely obsessed with. It is Discovery ID. Facinating and disturbing stuff. A new guilty pleasure I guess. All is well so far on my little planet today but, I just rolled out of the sack so who knows what's ahead. I am skipping out of going to my friend's house tonight. I think I'm gonna just hang around the house in my pj's today and do pretty much nothing. I'm getting tired of fighting these darker emotions. Trying to slap on a happy face. I wind up looking like Keith Ledger's version of the Joker from Batman the Dark Knight. It's like my father used to say, "you can't paint a tu rd." He was a real poet. lol. It's the truth though. I feel cr ap and am just going to have to admit it to myself and ride it out. I can't gamble about it - I know that but, I can't will it away either. Like Rachel has been telling me all along. Grief is grief and I just have to get through the stages. I know this stuff I just sometimes think that stages of grief are for other people. I can just suck it up and move on. Eventually I will but, I cannot rush the process. As a recovering addict I should know that impatience is a common trait. Well, I am off to look at tv to see if Punxsutawney Phil from Gobbler's **** PA, (the groundhog ) sees his shadow today. If he does it means that there will be 6 more weeks of winter. If he does not then winter is almost over. Regardless, Happy Ground Hog Day!! -joanxxxx

Hi Joan,

That is Heath Ledger. Not Keith. lol... I wonder where my brain is. Has anyone seen my brain?? Sort of just lolly gagging around the house today.. looking for trouble. I need to find something productive to do. I worked all week and have earned some down time. I never really learned how to successfully manage my down time. I get bored which is a sin because there are people everywhere suffering and struggling and I am sitting here sucking my thumb.. sooooo ridiculous. Such a ridiculous old woman.. sigh.. I am beginning to realize the attraction to gambling. The extreme highs and lows.. pretty facinating how we can escape into a little screen. I know that folks sometimes have difficulty reading posts like this b/c it reminds them of gambling and then perhaps triggers them.. here is the thing. I need to get these thoughts down and out of my head. For me, it makes the urges seem more trivial less powerful. I am just trying to find my way through all of this. Gambling is a crock and a waste of money and time. I get that. My mind is idle and prone to madness right now so, back to the drawing board. Maybe that's what I will do. I used to draw, paint, write, play the guitar.. I need to find that part of myself again. -joan

Hi joan, its tricky isnt it recovery because people tell us to keep busy and yet sometimes I think I have learnt to just sit and BE, quite is a nice place to be once you can find it but its like the holy grail for some people, keep trying , keep working at it like you are and you will find what works for you but as you and I know it never was or ever will be gambling. Take care blondie xxx

Ah Blondie, gotta thank you soo much. I'm sitting over here with a rumpled tissue in hand. Had a good cry and then came back to find your post. YES, you are right and gambling is not and will never be the answer. I really needed to hear that again. Thanks sooo much. Feel lighter now that I have let out some steam. Laughing is alot more fun but, laughing and crying somehow the same in terms of the release of pent up angst or whetever the hell it is. I am off to fight the fight and have no intention of gambling or throwing in the towel. I was sitting in front of my computer and listening to utube videos and ran across a version of "Hallelujah" that just brought everything I have been feeling over the past month to the surface. I think I have a better understanding of the kind of pain Ed was in before he let go. It hurts soo much to let him go but, I think I understand why he needed to -- now I can just be sad without being angry and confused which was making me crazy. Now I am just crazy sad and sorry for myself for losing him not angry at him for letting go. He had too. That was his choice and I have to respect that. He was a wild soul that would never tolerate being tamed -- and in the end he was tired and just wanted to go home. I am looking forward to finding him in my dreams where I will be able to see and talk to him again. Until that time I will be patient with the sadness and the tears. -joanxxx

Hi Joan,

Not so good with words my friend....So sending you lots of hugs (((((((j)))))))

Sue xxx

Hi Joan,

Just wanted 2 say that I am thinking of u, and that u r such a strong and kind lady 🙂

I'm always here 4 u if u need me 🙂

Stay strong xxxx

Hi Joan

Thank u for ur post , support for me is the key when its so tough any words of support mean me so much , when were low its difficult to find the motivation to post but sometimes u just av to know matter what u write once one day goes by its easy to let another go by and so on. Which then opens up the possibility of not applying what u av learned on ur journey

Sometimes all we can do is fight and no one does that better than u , just keep diggin in u know it will get better

Take care

Castle2