Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Charlotte and Castle. Castle you are soo right about sometimes letting go of posting making it harder not to the next time. This forum and the support I gain through it is a blessing and I never want to ever lose sight of that.

Hi Diary:

You and me again today but, I got thru yesterday without a nick and for that I am proud. Do I look forward to a life when I am not feeling like cr ap and obsessing about slots? -- ummm yes but, I know that every day is not like this. Before Ed died I was making serious progress. When life throws me a curve or kicks me in the a ss I might turn to gambling as an escape. Last year I couldnt or wouldnt even allow myself to make that connection. Today not only do I know that, I accept that as a fact about ME. I think that is progress. I probably won't be the person who is able to quit gambling cold turkey. I might slip from time to time -- although I must say after 20 years of abstaining from smoking and drinking I really do not have a desire -- even during hard times. So, that is me today. No urges at the moment. Making progress and most important I think.. I am hopeful. Best, joanxxxx

Hi Diary:

Fog is lifting. Feeling a little better. No urges and am heading into the evening soon. I think tonight will be calm seas.. I hope.. -joanxx

progress not perfection Joan...xxx thanks for popping in hun despite you not being 100%...

R and D xx

By: Sri Chinmoy

Hope abides; therefore I abide.

Countless frustrations have not cowed me.

I am still alive, vibrant with life.

The black cloud will disappear,

The morning sun will appear once again

In all its supernal glory.

Love the expression 'lolly gagging'. Methinks I do rather a too much of it these days. Have been trying to occupy myself and turned to baking, silly idea as I expand daily.

So sad to hear what you have been going through and as I said before thoughts are in there with you.

xxx

Joan

glad to see your still putting out the trash!!

That my friend is ultimately far greater an achievement than piling up more.

As our friend Blondie rightly points out

the answer is not to be found through gambling.

Through your relentless quest, I do so hope you keep following your lights guide.

Be proud Joan you earnt it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks gc family.

Well Diary,

I am here and I am working on being calm. No work today. Just trying to BE without DOING every waking second. What is my problem with needing continuous distraction? Just what is it???? -joan

Hi Joan,

I am not sure wot the answer is 2 ur question is tbh, I think we just try and keep ourselves and our minds busy!

This journey is so tough, u r such a gr8 lady... I wanted 2 let u know I am still thinking of u 🙂

And I am always here if u need me 🙂

Take care xxxx

Hey Joan,

Thank you for the continued support 🙂 I really do appreciate it.

I think what you are describing is very common on this site. We struggle to just BE because it's not something we are comfortable with. We are always striving to better ourselves even if we take the wrong path to get there.

It is honestly one of my own battles to just accept the things I cannot change. I have 3 days off work coming up and I have almost had to plan them in advance in order for me to feel comfortable. Without 'constant distraction' I would be vulnerable.

Our lives are different and we are all individuals here with differing circumstances but the beauty of the site is we share a common goal to stay bet free. You are not alone on this journey Joan so many of us are here cheering for you!!!

Flagg

Thanks Charlotte and Flagg!

Hi Diary:

It has been a long week and I have been as busy as a one armed paper hanger. Had a physical exam yesterday and apparently I am healthier ( at least on paper 🙂 ) than I thought I was. That was a relief. I HATE going to the doctor. I have modesty issues that go way back to childhood trauma and I swear the leading up to it is shear terror for me. Ridiculous I know but, too too real for me. Oh well. No gambling this week or on the horizon as I am just too busy. Time, Money, and Location. The triangle that I had read about in earlier days is sooo true. I agree with Flagg. I need to plan my days because when I am busy gambling is not even on the radar. Location is a tough one because blocks do not always work and the casinos out here do not really honor self exclusions. I can walk right in. Luckily there are no casinos near me and to be honest, I really don't care for the online stuff because the predatory nature is soo obvious. I don't know, for some reason I can just see through their shenanigans.

Money has been a problem. As I stopped going to the casinos the cash flow started to increase. We are still very much behind the eight ball financially so, it is a pretty ridiculous notion to think that I have extra cash. We still owe 20,000.00 to credit card companies. Like I have mentioned in the past I know that posts like these might trigger some but, I have decided not to hold back on my thoughts. I read a book called the Artists Way and diary writing was suggested as a tool to help artists get beyond "blocks". The idea was to just write down whatever came to mind. To try not to edit anything. Just let the mind ramble. The ultimate goal being to just empty the brain. Like the way Rach says she is taking out the trash. Same idea. So, today I am thinking about the triangle and what Flagg said about accepting the things we cannot change. I know the words but, sometimes when someone else says it I can discover a new meaning. I have realized that I still think on some level that I can manage this disease and the truth is that I cannot. When I gamble my life becomes completely unmanageable and for that reason I have to plan my days. I have to safe guard my hard earned money and I need to set up blocks regardless. So there it is. The weather service is prediction 1 to 2 feet of snow for tomorrow through Saturday. It looks like we will be snowed in for sure. Lots to do to get ready so, will fly for now. I hope everyone is doing well. I think of you all often throughout my day. Stay strong everyone and I will too. -joanxxxx

Joan.

Great post, all there for you to take resolve from and for the other fortunate reader a great lesson to be learnt.

The triangle is and has been my holy grail. I was given it on my first day in recovery through my GA room and it works.

There are of course times today when the triangles complete i have them all there, but through continued abstinence and my ditching those famous " gambling goggles" the ones we all wear whilst at it, the ones that distort our outlook to make us believe the answer to all our questions is in a punt i can see there is a life to be had without gambling, one worth more than any odds on offer.

Joan i believe through reading wonderful posts like the one you have shared with us today that your goggles are stamped upon, your resolve is strong and through binning that trash that your world today is a better place.

For that be proud and thankyou for sharing.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs!

I'm working on my third cup of coffee and I still feel like I'm dragging. Must say I just rearranged the entire shed to make room for snow plow and gas gennie. It's official though, as I just got the call that classes are cancelled for tomorrow. I'm a little torn about having the day off. On the one hand it's great b/c I would not want to risk life and limb in a blizzard but, if I don't work I don't get paid. I am no longer a salaried chick like I used to be. Oh well, I guess that eliminates too much cash on hand. lol. P will be home tonight so, we plus mom and the doggies will just batten down the hatches and hunker down for the next 3 days. I guess the winds are expected to reach hurricane speeds. I suppose I should get out to the yard and pick up any frozen solid dog P**P that might be lying around because at 75mph those little turds could turn into killer projectiles. lol. I have a neighbor from hell that I wouldnt mind having one of those fly through his front window. Okay, off to take care of the dog P**P menace. -joanx

We are back to rain here but flooding has gone down so I can actually get out of the smelly wellies for once.

I was in Puerto Rico once in the seventies when there was a hurricane, Dave, I think it was and my mother in law, a crazy lady, went out in the middle of it to get tea bags - there's the English for you.

Have you an air gun, I am thinking frozen poo would make terrific clay pigeons through an open window if you are snowbound.

Keep safe and warm

xxx

Rainbows -- shooting at poo pigeons out of the open window is pure genius! Ha ha ha ha. "Pull!!" Thanks for that, I needed it! Still laughing..

Hi

just hoping you are ok, well and warm after hearing the weather news on the tv today. I was going to say 'snow news is good news' but not if you are up to your ears in it.

Stay safe.

xxx

Hi Joan,

Just popping in 2 say I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

I'm thinking of u 🙂

Have a gr8 wknd xxxx