Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Rainbows and Charlotte for checking in!! I am alright and still hanging in gamble free. This is the first chance I have had to get into the diaries since the start of this weekend. The storm hit here Friday night and it snowed all day on Saturday. The wind howled and we wound up with drifts as high as 4 feet in some places. Both of our front and back doors were snowed shut so we had to crawl out through the window. It took us all day to shovel out. I am exhausted and my shoulders hurt so bad that I could cry. I won't though because so many others on the cape have flooded, lost power, and heat!! It is below zero and I cannot imagine how those poor folks are getting on. Anyway, today I am safe and warm. Tomorrow I go back to work. No time for gambling. I laughed when I heard even the 24hr casino had to close its doors due to weather. The as s ho les will no doubt take it out on their patrons over the next several months. Not my worry. Anyway, have to get back to my tv program. I am obsessed with true crime tv. hmmmm... Take care everybody!! -joanxxx

Joan.

Very pleased to read you are well and got through that latest storm, the news feed has shown some pretty heavy stuff.

For me I was glad to read your ok, please do take good care.

Just for today, because YOU are worth it.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs.

Diary:

I am soo tired. Just got in from work. It was a comedy of errors today. Such disorganization and with me being as a n al as I am about things being just so, thought I might have a fit. But, I managed and did not throw a temper tantrum. Just accepted the things I could not change. I'm tired -- a good tired. I put in a days work and am now ready to sip a hot cup of joe and watch the tube. Gambling? Nah.. not today. I hope all is well with all of you. I will try to get into more diaries in a couple of days. Til then, take care and stay strong. I will too. -joanxxxx

Hey Joan, wonderful to read that you are safe and well - on all fronts 🙂

Im still gamble free, family health issues still occupying our every day, but we're getting there.

Take care my friend, wishing you nothing but the best in life,

Cameron

Hi Joan,

So glad to hear you are safe.....You Americans do get it real bad with the snow....geez...we get 2 centimeteres and we shut down!!!

Must admit love the true crime chanel too...especially "snapped..women who kill"....oooh very wicked thoughts entering my head now!

Laughed at the casino having to close...SHAME!!!

Hugs Sue xxxx

Thanks so much Cameron and Suzie (Q) lol!

Well diary,

I wish I could say that I am here and that I am calm but, the truth is; I am and have been a raging b it ch all week! Today was the icing on the cake. I have been obsessing all week about paying the mortgage on time. Have been paying it by phone for 10 years. Went to pay it and got a recording saying that I need to call them -- Now, P who has the opposite temperment as me says " don't worry -- call them when their office opens". Me -- I throw the coupon booklet across the room and go into a full blown rant!! I AM OUT OF CONTROL today.. w*f?????? I looked in the mirror the other day and I look like a raccoon or better yet like an old hound dog with the dark circles and bags under my eyes. I'm not sleeping and when I do fall asleep I wake up in a panic state. I am sooooo angry and I do not know why. I am never sedate. I am always on edge to some degree but, this is sh it!!!! I am using my diary today as a trash can. I do not care about the go d da mn edit button. The edit button can go f*****k itself along with every thing else. In AA we always said that one is only as sick as their secrets. A big secret in my family killed my father and now my brother and it continues to kill from the grave. Why because everyone who knew the truth went to their grave with it. All we do now everytime someone else dies too young is wonder about the g od dam n secret!! So, I do not care who reads this stupid diary. In the US when you work for a corporation your email and all of your work belongs to them. There is no personal rights to anything. They own us. So, what the hell else is new??? Everyone at work knows I am *** am a recovering alcoholic and, from time to time a raging old t wa t. It's all there. Take it, leave it. I really do not care. Now, for anyone reading this entry today. This has nothing at all to do with you. YOU I love because I know what you are going through and you are more than your disease(s). If you are reading this you are trying to do something to stop and or get better. For that I hold up my right arm fist in the air. Power to YOU!!! No edit... fine with me. -joanxx

Thats the spirit Joan!!! ....keep raging ...keep getting that stuff out...dont surpress it ..it needs to come out..

Dump that trash on here...yeah !! somedays its a big f**k off..

How can we all clean up our lives if we dont get rid of the trash first???..

We wouldnt put fresh food on rotting food right??..

You blummin spew it all out....!!!!!!!!

Punch the sky....tap into that rocket fuel today...it will also save your soul my friend..!!!

Keep feeling that surge of energy...yeah it came out as anger today...but dont loose that surge of energy...thats YOUR spirit !!!

Dump that trash.....today you need to do that ...and maybe for a while to come...no meter ticking..no conditions..

R and D xx

ps..and don't you DARE feel guilty tomorrow!!!!! ...

Been spitting nails myself this week. Life's a b**** and then you become one, in my case anyway, as have been trying to get back into work but making good use of this site to offload which really has helped.

I guess having to fight with the weather doesn't help either, you must be exhausted all that digging.

Take care and stay safe and well

xxx

Thanks Rach and Rainbows..

Hi Diary:

Got paid so managed to pay all of the bills so that I do not get tempted to run off and do something stupid like gamble. I have said it in past entries that I do not understand my thought process about gambling as reward for working hard. It is like rewarding myself with a kick in the a s s with a steal toed boot mind you. It makes no sense. That would leave a mark! Absoultely no sense at all and yet my mind goes there. I have that Madonna song playing over and over in my head -- "life is a mystery.. everyone must stand a --lone. I hear you call my name and it feels like home." I had three brothers. One of them lives about 60 miles away. He and I could be in the very same room together and he would'nt see me. I would be invisible. Ed lived 1000 miles away and when I texted him and he would respond it was as if he were in the very same room. He was right there. I would text him about some a s s ho le at work and he would write some awful vile thing about someone he never even met and I would laugh out loud. I miss him and will miss him for a long long time. We were very much alike. Overly sensitive maybe even thin skinned. Creative maybe to the point of self indulgence you know, the feeling like noone understands me but me. Poor me.. Pour me another cocktail... We were drunk most of our young adulthood and very very flawed. I discovered AA back in the late 80's and early 90s. By September 1991 I got clean and managed to stay clean. I am hoping to get to that place with gambling. I am thinking that I need to get to GA. My desire is to get P to go with me. She is holding back for some reason though. I think she is affraid that folks from her or my work will somehow find out. Kind of like how folks have been worried about this site. I think I need to get back to the 12 steps and I think if we had a meeting to go to on Friday nights I would have somewhere to take all of that agaitation I feel leading up to the weekend. It is obvious to me that I am raging about not being able to bankrupt myself. lol. It sounds soooo stupid and simple when I write it and see it in print. I used to think that maybe if I had been born into the "Brady Bunch" family that my life might have turned out differently. I don't think so though. I think that I was born an addict. I think that addiction has been probably dogging my soul for a long long time. I would have been an alcoholic gambling addicted over eating Jan Brady! lol!! Oh well, that is me for today. Gonna go visit some friends in a little while. Take Care everybody. -joanxxx

DOH !!..just wrote you a biig post and now its disappeared...lol .timed out or something and it logs me off. ...

so ..i am going to have 40 winks and come back to repost later

R and D xx

sheesh...so much for 40 winks..not gonna happen...

Hi Joan...

Thanks for posting on mine and kind of reading between the lines there....

Sometimes the things that are not spoken about in families are felt even more by the ones who are sensitive to whats around them....sometimes the folks we need the most protection from cannot give it.

I know you WILL be able to abstain from this as you have and do every day with alcohol and GA with P sounds a good idea..that way you will both be on the same page and can have the same goals in recovery.

I guess as you know the format to meetings it will feel familiar and not scary..I feel i need a meeting of some kind but am a bit in no mans land...

Thank you again for your kind words and understanding and also understanding about what and who you are with identity as that is also a journey all on its own.

Truthfully i dont want to leave this site but I am finding it harder and harder now to keep my posts relevant to addiction even codep addiction as im not in a relationship to put into practice my learning an report back .

The next layer has to come off for me which is going back to adoption ...My birth mother and i were at loggerheads as she wanted me to go into some kind of adoption recovery with her...the timing was wrong as i had to process all the addiction stuff first before i could go further back.

I am wondering what it must be like to have had 3 brothers....wow..you must have learned how to toughen up and handle yourself Joan as im not sure how i would have coped...

Ed sounds like he was a great guy...always there for you even fighting with his own demons..

Sometimes the wrong ones are taken but then I also think they are now at least safe ....

Keep posting Joan..even those days you feel like you want to spew and spit it out..

I was so glad to see you back on again and not hiding in the shadows...I know that feeling of rage and the morning after guilts ....anyone who says they dont feel like that from time to time is lying..

Keep on keeping on Joan,...

Hugs

R and D xxxxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?…;feature=youtube_gdata_player

Like a Prayer...

xx

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur lovely post on my diary. It really cheered me up 🙂

U r such a special, strong, kind lady... U r doing brilliant!

I am always here if u need me 🙂

I am thinking of u!

Take care xxxx

Thank you Rach and Charlotte!!

Hi Diary:

Well, Monday morning you sure look fine... I feel pretty good. A payday weekend has come and gone and I managed to stay flush. Lots of urges of course. I am still trying to understand why I think that gambling is a "treat". I think I actually won a jackpot 10 years ago. After that I could never win because I discovered that I could not stop. In spite of my understanding of the facts the irrational creeps in from time to time. I am rereading a book by Pema Chodron called Taking th Leap Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears. I read it once or twice already. I get something new from it each time I read it. I believe I have made tremendous strides since last July. I have a long way to go. I try not to compare my journey and accomplishments to others. We might be the same in many ways but we all all individual souls on our own paths. I have learned that my journey is mine alone. I am not focused on the destination but, the journey itself. It is what I learn along the way that I hold on to now. I am not a perfect person and I never will be. I want to be a better person and that is what I am working on. For me gambling is a self destructive habit that I have got to break and I am working on it one day at a time. Anyway, that's me today. -joanxx