Angel From Montgomery

Hi again

love reading your posts, angry, sad, happy they are so expressive please don't ever apologise for what you have to say either on your own or in my diary.

I love it when people ramble on and you can follow the thread of their thinking and see how the anger or joy evolves, explodes, wanes or changes direction and sometimes the cause is plain for all to see whilst other times hidden away to appear at a later date or not at all.

Understand what you mean about work, I have worked a couple of times with thought stealers and it drove me loopy but always found they could not follow through as didn't own the idea so came a cropper in the end.

All the talk of Chicago reminded me of my visit in 1970 but it was a flyer and all I can remember is a railway up in the air (did I misremember) a large lake and huge round windy buildings.

It is snowing here again today, think we are taking it in turns so hope you keep well, safe and warm

xxx

ps know what you mean about the dreaded words I try not to use them.

Lol yeah I get that a lot at my work too. Theres never any we involved just a whole lot of I's. Lol guess that's just life in the jungle and its eat or be eaten I guess. Lol

Hope your night of cartoons and beads was a good one.

Hi J,

Thanks for your kind post, just thought I would send some positive thoughts and support over to you. Well done for being honest and for having the courage to speak your mind, it will help to make you stronger.

Paulds

Hey Judy,

Just wanted to say hello and let you know where getting a good snow storm today. Suppose to be around 6 inches of the flakes. Roads are bad so staying in today and enjoying some posting on others diaries. Hope all is well, stay strong!

Chicagoguy

Thank you all soo much for the posts! I will get back to you all soon.

Hi Diary,

I am just straight out with work lately. The whole point of going down to part time and focusing solely on training was to reduce the stress.. It doesnt matter what I do. This company thrives on chaos and stress!! I just got home of few minutes ago. I want to just sit and stare at the wall. Driving home from work today thoughts of Ed came flooding into my mind and it was then that I realized that on some levels I still don't really believe or want to believe he is really gone. I immediately teared up and heard myself saying over and over he's gone he is really gone. We really understood eachother. We could go months without a word and could pick up right were we left off. Oh well.. Gambling is the farthest thing from my mind lately. I guess that is one good thing about being swamped with work. No time to gamble or even think about it. I will get back to reading and writing probably closer to the end of the week. I think about you all on my drive in every day. I send you all my thoughts of good will and support. -joanxx

HI Joan,

The realisation that my dad wasnt coming back took a long time for me and some days i still look at his picture and cant quite beleive it, i suppose it comes with the acceptance phase (whatever that is) as i think grief is like recovery its differnt for everyone, but i just wanted to say I relate to your post and understand what that sadness feels like.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Hey Joan,

I also relate to your post very much, It's a tuff thing to deal with grief. I still miss my dad everyday, my counselor though I might be stuck in the sad stage of the griefing process, were working on that in therapy. I hope you find peace with what your going through, your post and blondie's touched me.

Sincerely,

Chicagoguy

Thinking of you Joan ((((((( )))))) and sending hugs xx

R and d xx

Thank you so so much Chicago, Blondie, and Rach. All good folks with your own personal trials who find the time to post to me... moving and always so so humbling..

And, so Dear Diary,

Here I am wallowing in my own self pity. I am trying to pull out of this tailspin I have been in. I wake up at 3:00AM wondering and worrying about the craziest things and just do not feel safe in my own space to just be. I must either be very very distracted or I am mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth like a pacifier. I feel like I am failing at life. I am 52 years old and I feel like I should have accumulated more wealth. Well, we all know what happened there... I am happy with what I do have I do not want to sound ungrateful but, I am scared. I have to work like a dog to earn what little take home pay I get and it seems that they want more and more these days. I'm a large woman and am worried that the stress alone might take me out. A stroke or heart attack or something. Whine whine whine.. I hate the sound of my own thoughts. I can only imagine what you may be thinking dear reader... sigh.. I know what I have to do. I am a lazy thinker sometimes. That has been my problem all of my life. I am just lazy. I had learned in AA that most addicts along with some brain chemistry issues also might have character flaws. Please anyone who might be reading. I am only talking to myself about myself... Anyway, back to character flaws.. I can be lazy and self absorbed, I guess selfish is a better word. I can expect instant gratification which is where gambling comes in... I guess that's what it is about today. I am standing here looking at my old a** in the mirror and not liking what I see and I am starting to think that maybe it is just too late for me.. It is not in my blood to lay down and become immobile. No, I will probably clean this house until it shines. I will work my fingers to the bone to make everything around me appear to be in perfect order. I will probably die trying to control everything and everyone around me. God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I am a good person. Some days I just feel soo f u cking lost!!!! Am I gambling? No. Am I thinking about it? Big time!! I wish I wish I wish.. I need to knock it off and join the real world the same world as all of the other adults who can manage to function without having to pacify themselves with gambling wins or food. All temporary unrealistic and irrational fixes. So you see, I just suck at this.. "f" the edit button. It is what it is... joanxx

Joan.

It is what it is!!!!

Love that, today it is another gamble free day, a day to lay another brick in front of the s**t addiction we have. A day to be proud of, by all means think about the punt, the chase and then the loss, the misery and self loathing and yes that money you work so hard for think about how hard it is to earn and how easy it is to blow!! Me I think about it every day, and you know what I like you my dear friend stick my finger up to it!! Rather that than stick our fingers up to life!!

Just for today be kind to youself

Keep putting out the trash!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi again

love to read when you spring clean your mind on here but sad that you feel so s**t.

It's immoral, it's illegal or it makes you fat. The story of my life???

So impressed that you are achieving a clean slate regarding spending spree when you are fighting the many demons around you.

Please take care, stay safe and sending wishes through the ether.

xxx

Hello Joan,

Just wanted to drop you a note to say I hope your feeling better soon. I have alot of days I feel like that also. Good of you to get those feelings out. That's what my therapist tells me anyhow. Your doing amazing and have come so far, treat yourself to something nice this weekend, a facial, or massage, something for you because you are worth it. Thanks for all your kind words and support to me on my journey.

Chicagoguy

Hey Joan,

Thanks for the words of encouragement, and duncs approach makes more and more sense as I get further in my recovery, and the intial euphoria of quitting wears off some what. Thanks again and stay strong. Day by day is best approch.

Chicagoguy

Thanks everyone!! Some days I don't know what I would do without this site. Aggrevating edit - button - business -and all.. it is the folks that make the site and I really appreaciate all of you good gc folks!

So Diary,

It is a Saturday -day one after pay day and I am chomping at the bit. Just dying to do something completely stupid and then I open up the diaries and am reminded why I said NO to gambling. We work our a** es off and then just pi ss it away in my case in a machine. "A fool and his money are soon parted" that is the mission statement of those who profit off of the misery and weakness of others. I work hard for my money-- do they have a right to exploit the weakness of others.. I guess they do. It takes two to tango. All I have to do is say NO! So, there it is. I SAY NO! I guess I am on a bit of a roll today. 😀 We are making headway with the debt. I have a little dough left over and I am not gonna give it to a souless little slot machine. What am I going to do? I'm gonna hang out in my little home with my partner, my little old mama, my doggies and my tv set. Thanks for reading, writing and supporting everyone. You are all shining stars in my book. Just for today, I will not gamble. -joanxxx

Hey there sweetie....

Who's that person your beating up on in your last post?.?....leave my pal alone.... : )

Well like all the others who posted I also feel the same somedays....especially the bit about not feeling safe in your skin...weight is cushioning hun and at 52 it is not too late...

Right now your working on getting your insides sorted out and thats okay.Time to go out more when the weather picks up..sometimes walking can be just the tonic and don't forget your only a few months on from when you had all the thyroid problems not to mention your brothers sad passing .

keep spewing on here...and this tough ol mutton will always be sat reading and nodding and saying "I hear ya" ..

On the feeling guilty for sounding off ....I have theory about this....when I am feeling sorry for myself what I'm really looking for is validation.,.for someone to say "yes..that happened" ...most of my anger in my life and younger years were because stuff happened and hurt but it was never validated by my family...it was either swept under the carpet or compared to someone else like people in the 3rd world to minimise it...

I think sometimes all we are searching for is validation and an acknowledgement that yes that happened...and yes you got hurt...and you should feel anger and it was bad..then we can set to work on the grief and let it go over time..

Without that validation we hold on to the pain and anger and it's like an open wound ..

I hope that makes sense...

I always look at these diaries and the posts that people reply to as that we are all each others witnesses...we can all validate each others reality.

R and d xxx

Sending hugs xx ((((((((J )))))))) xxxx