Angel From Montgomery

hi Joan

Thankyou for your kind words yesterday.

I read some of your diary and sounds like at the start you went through alot, you have done really well.

Ladyc

Opened up my diary today and all I could see was support. Serioulsy, as far as the eye could see nothing but support. This place is absolutely amazing because of all of you beautiful people. thanks so much you guys!

Well diary,

I made it through day 3 and have to say that I feel so much better today than I did yesterday and yesterday I felt so much better than the day before. The point is; when I am gambling I am miserable and misery loves company so, in my misery I brood and before long I am right back to where I started. I am inspired by the folks on here who altho facing adversity, trial, and physical pain still manage to face the day sober. Well, it snowed again today about 6-9 inches expected and do you know what? It's really beautiful. Shoveling and plowing is gonna suck no doubt but, I don't have to work today. All I have to do is stay clean, shovel snow, and then sit back and enjoy the rest of the day. I'm gonna kick it off with some diaries and a large cup of joe. Chicago I am gonna visit your diary first. The poem you wrote was awesome!! Thanks so much. Again, it's so great to see someone inspired by the spirit of sobriety!! Go man Go!! -joanxx

Good to hear you are feeling a bit better as the days go by, the thing is not to wish them away I guess. Thankyou so much for kind words, got through today starting back at work after months off sick thinking of all the encouragement here.

We still have snow forcast here to the end of the month but wet wet wet at the moment with my river flooded yet again.

Have a lovely evening snug in the warm.

xxx

Dam snow lol. Sounds like you dont mind it as much as I do though. Hell got 4 inches here and my back really aches at the thought of 6 to 9. Lol hopefully you dont get as much as they perdict. Was suppose to be hit with 11 inches of the cr-ap so I guess I should be grateful we were only blessed with 4. Lol lol lol

Hey B, I just heard on the news that my city may take the prize for the most snow this season. Yeeehahh!

Anyway, Diary:

Moving into day 4 today. I thought I might take stock of what I have learned about myself and gambling from sucesses and failures along the way. Here's my top 10:

1. I am a full fledged gambling addict. I used to spend my entire pay check on gambling and when that was spent I went to cash advances on my credit cards and managed to rack up a 30,000.00 debt. We have since paid off 10,000.00 of that debt. I no longer have any credit cards. I pay in cash only. I have consolidated all of my credit debt and will be paid in full in 2 years.

2. I cannot gamble with a limit. Every time I tried to set limits I always spent beyond the limit. I cannot gamble at all.

3. I can never win. The fact is I do win from time to time but, because I NEVER stop I NEVER take money home. NEVER!

4. I no longer blame the gambling establishment for my lack of self control. I feel better now, that I am able to accept my own part in this. Harboring anger at the establishment only gave me an excuse to gamble more.

5. When I am P iss ed off I gamble. When I am bored I gamble. When I have accomplished something difficult I feel entitled to gamble. I am currently working on anger and bordom.

6. Rewarding myself with a gambling stint is irrational. Simple as that. It is twisted thinking and from now on I will take the money that I was going to throw away on gambling and buy myself or my partner something. At least I will have gotten a value for a value. Why would I reward myself with a swift kick in the a ss with a steel toed boot!???

7. For me gambling is NOT about the money. When I gamble I have absolutely no concept of what I am spending or winning. It is about entering a hypnotic fantasy state that I want to relive over and over again.

8. My life improves becomes much more manageable when I am not gambling. I am not consumed with the self loathing, dread, rage,or panic the morning after a huge loss. I am not consumed by the anxiety and panic after a huge win. I cannot hold onto money that I win. The magnitude of the compulsion to return is -- I cannot even find the word to describe it. Believe it or not I feel worse when I win.

9. I have learned that it is possible to lick this addiction. I don't think I really believed that a year ago.

10. I have to committ myself to writing at least one line every day in my diary. When I stop writing it usually means I am thinking about or already out gambling.

Well, that's me today. Feeling better because regardless of what day this is 4 or 400 the reality is that it is TO-day the only day that matters. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I woke up today which means that I was given yet another chance to do the right thing. No gambling today. -joanxx

Hey Joan,

I really like your last post. I really could see a lot of those same reasons for myself. Great idea to write them all out. Your doing so great, you will beat this! Stay strong

Chicagoguy

Joan.

My dear friend today you hit the nail square upon it's head!!!!!!

The money we gamble is the last issue on the agenda. It is not the problem it is purely and simply the fuel.

My advice find another more enjoyable way to burn it!!!

Well done, great post.

Just for today.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Brilliant diary entry and I could cut and paste into mine it is so true to my experience.

Have been treating myself to bird food and garden stuff as going through a getting back to nature thing at the moment, fancy getting some chickens again and growing veg and lots of damson trees here so will try home brew and chutney again in the summer. Should keep me busy and save some money to spend on something exciting.

They are predicting snow here as well but wish they would make up their minds as my garden is still flooded from the rains. Coldest march for 50 years. Brrrrr

Still waving but wearing wellies, woolies and wraps.

xxx

Hey Joan

Just fantastic ....and numbers 7 and 8 helping me undertand especially when you say it's not about the money ...trying to put myself in your shoes and feel those feelings and reactions to a win ...trying to see where I'm my own life I behave similarly and reoffend so to speak...

You reminded me of a conversation I had with my friend who says she uses drink to reward or comfort herself and how she is trying to switch how she does reward herself with something that feels as good.

I'm tucked up in my bed now...it's trying to snow and the gritters are out tonight ..,nowhere near your snow falls ...we may get a light dusting if we are lucky.lol

Hugs Joan...back in the saddle and mozying on down the right road ...

R and D xx

Innuendo joke request please...could do with a laugh xxx

(((j))) xx

Joan.

Today is world poetry day.

I wanted to share a line or two of my favourate poem.

"If you can dream-and not make dreams your master

If you can think and not make thoughts your aim"

Unconditional.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs. I really appreciate your support. Rach, I have to think about it. It was a long time ago but, it was really vile. The kind that would keep us laughing for days. Let me think on it...

Diary:

I promised that I would write every day even if only one line to say: No gambling today. I'm exhausted. I think I might have picked up a cold or flu bug. I have asthma and it is so hard for me to breathe. Kept dropping hints all day to be let out early and, can you believe it? They kept me for an extra hour. lol.. wheeze, cough, cough.. Anyway, will try to read and write more tomorrow. For now gambling is the furthest thing from my mind. -joanxx

Good Morning Diary:

I am moving into Day 6. An accomplishment for a gambling addict. Not just staying away from the casino and resisting the urge to purge my checking account but for remembering that my life is just better when I am being honest with myself. Authenticity is my word for the day. Being real regardless. Living in this day and being authentic. What am I looking at? Still alot of unfelt sorrow for the passing of my favorite brother. Anxiety and dread about some up coming medical appointments. Anxiety and dread about my job. Always lurking in the recesses of my brain somewhere. I do not need to feed the anxiety and worry today. P's beloved Grammy used to say, "don't bother bother until bother bothers you". That's my mantra for today. I'm gonna take it a breath at a time today. I woke up and saw the sun peeking through the living room blinds. I am here again to witness another day on the Earth. Another chance to do the right thing. For now, no gambling. Addendum: Just realized that I am stuffing some other feelings here. Woke up with alot of chaos as well. I mean if I'm going to be honest then, I need to be honest! Lots of chaos because P felt the need to bring in two orphaned guinea pigs. I think I might be allergic to them because my asthma is off the charts. I put my foot down and had them moved to the upstairs loft. Now the bunny rabbit is thumping her feet wildly causing the dogs to pace around axiously. I feel an urge to scream but, will compose myself and try to just literally breathe. This may seem like nothing to some of you but, I am trying to cover the gambit of my feelings and it is not all sunshine, lolipops and rainbows around here all of the time. Choosing the right way to think, feel, and then act is a moment by moment exercise. -joanxx

Wow, wow, wow, you so say it like it is and so good to hear.

Don't bother bother so right but soooo easier said than done.

It's often the smaller things in life as well that tip over the top I think and that you have to keep an eye on or the whole thing goes under. Worry drains so much energy as well that could be used so much for the fun things.

Have asthma too and same problem, had to rehome my daughter's guinea pigs for same reason, strange I was ok with rabbit but can't go near cats and my sister had 16 Persions at one time so not many visits to her in those days.

Don't know about the sunshine and lollipops but rainbow is around reading and listening and still waving.

xxx

Hey Joan,

Congrats on your achievement, your doing great. Hope you and P have a nice weekend. Stay strong, and take it one day at a time.

Chicagoguy