Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Sending (((((((Joan)))))), Nodding my head and understanding how your feel.

Keep going hun, no matter how tough our motto is NO RETURN and NO SURRENDER.

Take care

blondie xxx

You said in my diary you felt unable to speak but just reading your last post here I am nodding in agreement at each statement. Self harming with food at the moment and listening to really sad songs to try to feel. Have switched off to stop the hurt of even more rejection but trouble is that switches off the full works leaving nothing but a vacuous empty space. Bloody hell I meant to cheer you up, sorry, guess just trying in my way to say maybe I understand but promise will let you know the answer when I find it. We just need to keep on digging for gold.

Also series of minor catastrophes starting with a broken tooth and as you say always happen when coping strategies are low and they become out of proportion and send us loopy.

Things can only get better, hang on in there and plan that journey, the anticipation is as rewarding as the actual (much like spending sprees methinks and without the pain)

xxx

xxx

Yo,

Keep posting , cos that's one way of getting it out .

Me every other day I loose this that or the other . Brake this that or the other .

Think it's got more to do with me loosing my marbles that anxiety , but maybe not .

Just keep at it Hun. I believe it will get easier , but it takes time .

Big fat hugs sweet pea

Shiny xxxxx

Thank you all soooooooo much! Worked today and am now on my way to bed. But, wanted to thank you all for your support. No thoughts about gambling. Still not quite right but, pushing thru it. Trying to. Will have more time to read and post come Thursday when all things typically go to hell in a handbag. So, will get back to each and every one of you then. Til then hugs and one day at a time. joanxxxxx

Hey Joan,

You are missed on the forum! What are u up to girl? Lol...:-) hope all is good and you not working too hard. A lovely update would be spot on;-)

Day at a time is progress we are making

Let's do it darling!

Take care

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra!

Diary: Friday. the day after Thursday and I have managed to stay gamble free. It's gonna be easier this weekend because P is away on the cape for a conference. As goofy as it may sound to some, I would not dream of going into a casino alone. I feel safe today knowing that I won't have to obsess about it all day. I don't have a single clue about what I am going to do with my time alone today but, I am guessing that whatever it is it is going to be in my sweat pants with the hole in the behind. Lol. I feel good about just being lazy today. I worked hard this week and deserve some down time. I hope everyone out there is ok. I am thinking about you all and sending out good vibrations for a gamble free day for all. -joanxxxxxxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSLMWasU0rM&sns=em

Good good good good vibrations xxxx

Thanks for popping in Hun and sending you a transatlantic hug (((((j)))))) xxxxxx

Thanks Rach!!

Diary: Saturday. Two or so days into the dreaded weekend. I am doing ok. Up with the chickens this morning. Feeling blah. Why, I wonder? Things are going ok so far. What's up with the I can't get no satisfaction feeling... I suppose it has something to do with the bottomless pit that was left in my heart a very long time ago. I try to fill it with things.. food, drink, drama, gambling... you name it. The other part is always waiting for the next shoe to fall. I am always waiting for the next kick up the a ss. I find it very hard to place trust in anything or anyone. I always figured that if I don't expect anything; I won't get disappointed. Just reading these notes back to myself I get a blah feeling.. ha ha.. I read in other people's posts about how self absorbed we get when in addiction. That is so true. Always a balance isn't it? We cannot be as some say happy clappy all of the time because that just isn't being honest. We cannot always be giving because giving when we feel empty inside might just breed resentments later on.. To accept the things I cannot change.. Learning to live along side of this constant craving. This constant feeling of emptiness. Savoring the happy moments whenever I can. Trying not to hold on too hard to anyone or anything. Learning to be grateful for the good things that happen and all of the good things I have. Accepting the sh it because a reprieve is always as Alanis says " coming up around the bend". I can sit with the blah feeling. If it had a color I suppose it would be gray. Not so bad. A perfect blending of black and white. A balance. When the sun comes up and it will, varying shades of green will begin to appear and the air will be filled with sounds. People will start buzzing by in their cars and as each one passes I will wonder where they might be rushing off to? How are they feeling this morning? Are they happy all of the time? Often when I pause like this I am overwhelmed by the beauty of our physical world. Is that sense of feeling overwhelmed the feeling of fullness that I crave? Like that magnificent moon the other day.... It's hard for me to witness beauty like that without someone else to share it with. Is that a flaw? Is that me setting myself up? There are a lot of people who enjoy being alone. I fear being alone. Every day I live in silent fear of being left alone.... -joanxxxxxxxx

Joan,

Heart gripping post, i can tell it's YOU talking from deep of your heart. Please let my silence to speak volumes........such an inspiration xx

((((((((( Joan )))))))))

Sandra x

P.s. keep being yourself and your life will get brighter colors .......get that brush and paint that lovely future of yours.... day at a time xx

Described my version of what I think you are saying in Duncs recently. I feel like one of those magicians glasses that looks full but just has a double layer on the outside full of liquid and the inside is really hollow so everyone else sees the full glass and says lucky you, while I feel the empty core.

Sad at the moment but it will pass and hopefully the balance will return one day soon.

As Rainbows End I often described my life in colours and waiting for the lovely autumn hues to block out the grey.

Stay safe and well, thinking of you

xxx

Diary: Wednesday. Do I want to gamble on a slot machine today? Yes. Do I wish I was filthy rich? Yes. Wah, wah, wah... Lol. The September bills are paid. There is food in the cabinets. There's a little left over in case of an emergency or, if we want to go to the Big E. this weekend whichever comes first. The cars are both running in spite of the fact that one has almost 300,000 miles on it. P had some medical tests done and so far so good. I am warm and dry under the roof that I bought. The sky is a crystal clear blue this morning. I have the day off so I am accountable to no one but myself. Can I live without the casino today? I think so. I am not happy but, I am not sad either. I guess I could describe my mood as even and that's not such a bad thing. Gray is a blend of black and white. To blend is to harmonize. Balance isn't so bad. I am a spiritual being on a physical path. Turns out that gravity is a bigger b**** than Karma. When I pause like this I am reminded how beautiful the physical world really is. I am here and I am calm. Not so bad.. -joanxxxxxx

Diary: Friday. I was going to write a dragged out reactive post but decided to pause. To, not take the bait. At the end of the day it is me in my own skin. Answering to my own heart. Judgment never works out for me in the long run. One thing I learned that holds true over the years is; if you spot it, you got it. Everyday is something new to learn about myself. Am I really an addict? What is an addict? Should I count days? Should I attend GA meetings? He said. She said. They said. None of it matters at the end of the day. We get to the top of the mountain only to find more mountains that need climbing. All I can do most days is remind myself to breathe. So that's what I am doing today. Breathing and trying not to judge so that I have no reason to have to forgive -- OR -- if you look at someone else without staring into your own reflection you may have actually managed to see that other person without judgment. We are always judging ourselves and trying to measure up somehow... That wears me out some days... The people that bug me the most are the ones that remind me most of myself. joanxxxxxx

Yo,

Breath.........

In with the good out with the bad .

We are only accountable to ourselves at the end of the day . Spent 52 years thinking I needed to be better than I thought I was .

Today it's now ok to be me , because like you I am a kind , selfless person. Today for me that's enough .

Enjoy your weekend Hun, ( stay outta trouble :-))

Shiny xxxxxxx

Ha Ha Shiny.. you hit the nail right on the head. Busted! I am sitting here strategizing around just how to say outta trouble this weekend. Such ridiculousness. I have the whole mess swept into a neat little corner. The weekend!! Life is hard sometimes. Losing every cent of spare change I have on a slot machine is just plain idiotic. And, I know this. So, was this a bad week? Nope. Not really. Some really good news. P's tests came up negative so far. I am still employed which is a feat at the agency I work for. Every week it's like an episode out of Big Brother. Who's being voted off today?? We have plans to go out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants tonight and we will be meeting up with a favorite friend so what the f*****k is up with these stinking urges to blow it all away??? Shiny, I just have to say I really appreciate that you see me. Lol. And, now, I can admit to myself that this caged up feeling I am having this morning is all about getting thru this MF weekend. I can do this. I know I can. It is purely habit and I need to do SOMETHING ELSE!! Life is hard enough without making it worse by letting myself down. If it's a good week then I need to say ... well La Dee f***k ing Da look at that.. Moving on.. I am a good person and if I can do something for myself to make this a peaceful day then that is what I need to do. I'm gonna keep my spare change and just feel groovy.. without worrying about it. Thanks (((((Shiny))))))). -joanxxxxxx

Hey Joan,

YEA i like this attitude girl!!!!

You keep your spare change and think how next week you gonna have even more spare change:)

Stay out of trouble and enjoy you lovely evening out:)

Take care

Sandra x

P.s.f**k the urges....( i'm bad girl swearing like dat lol)