Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan..

You are always walking your talk so you have no need at all to compare your recovery ...you do the back work and the hard work and have good and bad days but manage them and deal with them even when you think you don't ..and that's what it's all about...

The folks on here who I respect are all doing that and sharing their journey for their own reasons but also to help others not feel so alone..

Keep on spewing if it helps and as shiny says breathe out the cr** and inhale the new ....

have a look at the timeline of your recovery cos I do !!! see how far you have come and then know that the title of your diary is spot on...

R and D xxx

Thanks so much Sandra and Rach!

Diary: Saturday! That's right it's not a beauty pageant, competition or see how many "likes" or friends one can rack up. It's not even about the days. It's about me and a very bad habit and the moments and the hours some days. Anyway we had that great steak dinner and then got into the car....Should we just go and get it over with? Yes, I will go to the bank and draw out 400. And then, I said let's just go home. I don't really want to go. And that's whAt we did. We went home. Today we have a date with another friend of ours. I am looking forward to that. This morning I feel great. I had an urge out of habit and took one moment to reconsider. In that moment I changed my mind. In the absense of guilt and shame fear and self loathing I can simply change my mind. The only person I am in charge of is me. This is do-able. joanxxxxxxx

Yo,

Great big massive high 5 to you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today you should be dammed proud Mrs and rightly so

Shiny xxxxxxx( grinning from ear to ear ...... Thanks for that !)

The lady is not for turning Joan! ...that's what Maggie Thatcher uses to say when she stuck to her guns...

be proud, be very proud you stopped , thought and made another choice!! ..good on ya Joan xxxxx

Thanks (((((Shiny)))))) and ((((( Rach))))))

Diary: Sunday, and it was actually easier resisting the temptation last night. Our nieces thru a birthday party for P and it was the sweetest thing. Cake and balloons the whole 9 yards. Imagine three and five year olds presenting hand made gifts that they must have used an entire roll of tape to make. Lol. It was great. We left for home at around 9pm and not a single urge. We came home watched a little TV and went to bed. For me getting stuck in a place of guilt and shame only adds to the problem. We talk a lot about location, time, and money and all of that is true but so is one's mindset. I cannot avoid or give a lousy mindset away for someone else to manage. I have to change my own mind. Courage to change the things I can. I cannot control another person's mind nor do I wish to. I have to think now about how I read these posts. I have to train myself to see beyond myself. To really see the other person. Anyway, today is another day and another hill to climb. No problem. I have got my happy pants on and my good walking shoes. Walking against the grade and on an incline is good for the heart. It makes me stronger. -joanxxxxxx

Still thinking so, still writing I guess.. My thoughts are swimming around the question: am I good enough? I am mostly thinking in terms of my job as a corporate trainer. Our pass rates have gone down over the summer and of course I am blaming myself. The truth is, I am doing my best. I really am. And, if my best is not good enough well screw it I guess. I am trying to arrest some of this kind of thinking because I believe it is what sets off the gambling urges later in the day. I am not good enough ever so, I must try harder. I cannot do anything about work today so, let me try to control the house by cleaning like a MF. I work up a sweat and start mumbling under my breath about slobs and dog hair and never ever getting done until I have worked myself into a mini meltdown. This comes back to me not feeling good enough so everyone and everything around me is suddenly not good enough either. I hear myself saying this is why I gamble. It's a total set up. A mind f u ck and I am doing it all to myself today. So, if I get a break from the world... that is my cue to lay into myself. w*f? I took a few minutes to just sit with these thoughts and decided that the truth is; I am good enough. I'm okay and so is this house. I can be a rag and bring everyone around me down or I can be happy and gift us all a calm easy Sunday. I have to laugh about how sometimes I write about happy clappy posts. Misery really does love company. Misery only brings me to the casino. And, that place is full of miserable people for sure. I am responsible for my own mindset. I can change the channel whenever I want to. It is a gorgeous day today. I can choose to be in it and enjoy it or stuff my head straight up my a**e and not. What a luxury that is really... to have that choice.. joan

Yo,

Do you know sweet, a year ago I could have written that post , word for word .

Suppose somewhere along the way woke up one day and the light bub moment came , or maybe over a period of time someone slowly turned up the dimmer switch . I stopped expecting more than I could deliver from myself . Stopped giving 110% to everything and reduced it to the 85 % which is prob still more than most of the folk I know .

With this life became calmer . It's ok to be you ....

Today that post read that someone somewhere turned your dimmer switch up a notch .

Will I ever be total content with myself or living in my own skin. No I do not think that's possible but I will get as dam close as I can. You Hun I see doing the same thing . And by doing so , the destructive thoughts that our addictions uses as fuel to get us at , well they start to dissipate .

Be kind to you , cos you know what you deserve it .

Shiny xxxxxxx. ((((((((J)))))))

Joan Joan.....(((((J )))))

Thank you....as for the cat...well my fault because i refused to castrate him.... i thought he is too young( 1 year)..lol

..i hope he enjoys himself and be back soon:-)

Oh god...live and learn...

Thanx again Joan...as we said before: 'if you do it, i will do it too'...and i can tell, that you want to do it!! All the best darling

Sandra x

Hey Joan...on your last few posts ...just a question and one I need to also ask myself when it comes to self flagellation...

Who's voice in your head is setting the bar? ..is it your voice or is it someone else's?

My voice in my head is other peoples expectations of me that have somehow become my own voice..how has that happened?

Trying to separate it all out ..

Keep on posting xxxx

(((( Joan )))),

Thank you thank you thank you xxxx

Your post and hug is most appreciated...

What can i say...s**t happens eh? We can only learn and come out stronger...I know i will leave it behind and keep fighting the good fight..You all are so right...it's no marathon or time ticking to get to the end...."Progress not Perfection " my friend and we will do it step by step on our own pace.

I am there with you marching forward head high and chin up:)

Take care and have a lovely day

Sandra x

Hey Joan...

Not proud to say this but your dad sounds a lot like me. My behaviour is the same ..I can't internalise pain so it all comes out.

im questioning whether I'm a bully as I never thought I was , in my mind I rage in reaction and support the underdog by fighting but maybe folks see me as a bully sometimes too...I shall have to step 4 one more time I think on that one xxx

Your voice has become your own ...and I would say my critical Internal voice is also my own but I can hear where it's come from ...the perfectionism whereby no matter how much I do or how fast I go ..it's never enough.

One day we shall change that script hey Joan ? And maybe be kinder to ourselves in the meantime we just keep on typing and keep on walking our walk ..

Thank you for being honest (((((J))))))) xxx

. Hi there...it's either my eyes this early morning or you posted blank post....

I hope you ok and it's all good with you..

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE 😉

Take it easy Joan xx

Day at a time

Hey Joan

Ditto Sandra ...

just a flyer to say hiya and trusting you are in a good space xxx