Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan,

Sorry if i overstepping the line:-) your topic sounds really scary....

But you know what your...you should be so proud of yourself. You say how it is and how you feel about your recovery. Good on you girl. Living day at a time is the best choice we can pick. No gamble today - that's what it matters:-)

Oh...Zoo..lovely...a bit of giraffe, bear and lion never hurts 🙂

Take care darling...hope you enjoy ur day.

Sandra x

P.s. always be yourself girl that's what i like you for..honest fighter Joan xx

Diary: Sunday. I must have started and deleted three posts so far.. It's funny the masks we all wear. Getting down to the nakedness is not an easy task when we are grown. As children it came naturally. Now, wearing masks are our second nature. Masks on -- right, go out into the world. Never let em see ya sweat soldier. Yeah, I think I wear mine in layers. I love the day so far because I love a clear brisk fall day. There is a veil though. Always the same one. A barrier between me and happiness whatever that is. I think it has to do with trust. I don't trust anyone. Even those closest to me can only get so close. Hence, the layering of the masks. I did enjoy the zoo yesterday. I love watching giraffes. Not exactly sure why. Sharing the day with the kids was great as always because I love how real and in the moment they are. Of course the turn off for the casino was on the same road. We talked about it and decided to pass it by. We had money in our pockets and chose not to go. See, that's what it is about for me these days... stripping off masks some days freezing in the sunshine hoping I won't be judged or judge others too harshly at least, and just keep walking. Oh well. That's what happens when I get to the center. Thoughts often disjointed. Feelings crashing into each other bombs going off left and right and me still hiding behind a mask made of stone. I think that's why I love the Joni Mitchell song People's Parties so much .... joanxxxxxxx

Diary: Still Sunday. I was just thinking about how my words might be coming across to some folks. As if loosening the reigns might be a sneaking way to let the gambling demons in. Here's the thing. I have discovered that there are no such things as gambling demons. It's me giving into an urge that will come with devastating consequences. Maybe not the same day but, ultimately. I am simply trying to take the pressure off of myself to be a perfect little girl. The simple truth is that I am not. End of story. All I can do is try. Taking one day at a time is a bite that I can swallow that's all. Not an excuse to do something wicked. Lol. Taking off the pressure to be perfect. It makes getting through the hours easier. That's all. -joanxxxxx

Not perfect is the new perfect....ya heard it here first ! Lol xxx

R and D ...partner in NP.

(((((((Joan)))))))

Thank you for your post...And you are right..nobody is perfect, nobody looks for it anyway...Just for today girl...Just for today xx

Diary: Monday Morning.. "you sure look fine". Not feeling fantastic but, certainly glad that I managed to get through the weekend without the casino. This is a huge step in the right direction for us. But, that was the weekend. Today is another day. I have a lot of bad habits. Gambling is but one of them. Over eating and "going off" half cocked are two of my all time favorites. So, I have got to try as Rach says steer clear of the emotional vampires, naysayers and just all around "downers" and remember to breathe. Just breathe... staying out of the casino is a given. Have your best day today folks because it's the only one you got!

-joanxxxx

Hi Joan,

Thanks for your post on my diary and the Thanksgiving wishes. I hope you enjoyed your dinner as much as I enjoyed mine. I enjoyed the "Breathe" song and am a huge fan of Joni Mitchell as well. I had the good fortune of getting Joni's autograph when I was lucky enough to meet her. Have a great week and keep up the gamble free days.

Joan

Thanks for the post upon my thread, the decision I made was not taken lightly but was one I had to commit to, as the forum was causing too many moments of upset and frustration in regards to the way it affected my recovery.

I have a belief in what I set out to do, and wont let anything derail that, it's the one selfish act I will grant myself.

I hope you continue to make your life more enjoyable.

As my mum says all too often, it's not a rehersal.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hey Joan,

Very true...just breath and avoid bad vibes:)

Doing well girl, day at a time, that's what matters the most.

Have a good day

(((( J ))))

S x

Hey Joan

Thank you for driving by today ...and I hope you keep that garlic ticked in the glove box...lol

Yes the drainers ...wow ...sucking the lifeblood. In your job you will encounter that so much more than someone who sits behind a desk all day..it takes a lot of energy to give out as a trainer and you will know what I mean when I say performing every day.

Glad I had some good medicine for you Joan and your right that's the way that it all works isn't it ? Often we get what we need without even trying to find it ...the forum works for me like that too...just being present and having focussed attention on what we do here is sometimes just enough to keep us going.

always looking out for your posts Hun

R and D xxx....

Ps it is Salem again this year??? ...buying my pumpkins soon

Just trying to breathe and multi tasking as waving at the same time.

xxx

Thanks so much Joan, should have had an early night last night shouldn't I.

Love to collect the little polished pieces of coloured glass on the beach, have bits from all over the world, makes me wonder about the lives they represent and who drank from the bottles that broke to make them.

Have a safe and happy weekend.

xxx

Diary: Friday. The dreaded weekend? Not really. I am happy to report that I am not dreading this weekend. And, that is in spite of the fact that I had a completely sh it week at work. A couple of trainees really yanking my chain but, I kept breathing and stuck close to the diaries. Something Rachel wrote really struck a deep chord in me and really helped me to find the inner strength to push through. Did I think about gambling, yes. Did I respond with a resounding NO? Yes. Why? Because, as Blondie once put it and I never forgot: gambling never solved any of my problems and it never will. I cannot gamble because I cannot stop. In my rational state I know this. In my irrational state I choose to forget it. Now, for me it is about pausing long enough to bring myself out of the irrational state. For me the first step is to identify the bait. The second step is to pause, breathe and think before reacting. Somewhere between 0 and 60 I have found some kind of serenity or as they say a separate peace. I don't have to lose my mind if I don't want to.

joanxxxxx

Hey Joan,

Sending hugs your way and thank you for sharing your strength and determination to overcome the bumps in your life with no gambling involved.

We can only try, just for that we becoming stronger each day.

Have a nice weekend and enjoy good things entering your life.

Sandra x