As Yazz said, the only way is UP!

Trotty

Welcome to the forum

A place full of like minded folk who share the same goal, to arrest that all important next punt, to put an end to the self created misery.

The doors of recovery revolve, it doesn't matter how many times you walk through them, it is what you learn each time you do.

I hope you take as much from the GA room as I did, that orange booklet you get on your first visit is never far away, it is truly well worth the effort to read.

The advice I was given, gifted on day one still works today.

There is a triangle

time-money-location

Take one away and the punt becomes impossible, you break the cycle, gift your brain the opportunity to re wire yourself.

My advice is share recovery with your wife, she has to recover too, there's a great feeling gifted through sharing.

Be honest with yourself.

You gifted yourself something amazing, keep taking it, in the GA room it is said give recovery 90 days and if you don't see the benefits then by all means go back at it, give recovery the same effort you gave to your gambling.

Lastly be kind to yourself, addiction f*****g hates it.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 2 (Part one)

Well, i've told the wife, she has been great about it, really great. She is so pleased I have taken this step and is wanting to help me make a difference. Managed 3 hours sleep, so not too bad, hopefully sleep will catch up with me tonight. Thats all there is to report at the moment, off to GA tonight.

Day 3

3 days without a bet, doesn't sound much, but its a start. I have had longer periods than this in the past, mainly due to not having any money to bet with. But this is 3 days wthout a bet coupled with the fact that I have accepted what I am and am seeking help. Thats the difference and a massive one at that.

So, last night me and my mother went off to GA (Gamblers Anonymous), we have both been before, back in 2008 as it turned out, they still had records of when I last went! My boy was 2, I had not yet been sentenced to a prison term and things were very different. I recognised more than half the people there, which gave me a nice feeling, they were still going and still bet free (well most), so GA can make a difference. Its also true that many people come and go, relapse after relapse. The difference for me this time is that I chose to go and want to go, if i'm honest, last time was more of a process and box ticking, I didn't really want to be there.

I told my story again and got a few gasps and at the end a round of applause. My new GA journey had begun. Due to my past attendences, I know all the steps, I know what needs to be done, I know the difficulties, I don't feel I'm there at the moment for advice, more of a focus every week and a reminder of what I am. Not that I am not open to advice, because I believe we can all learn things to the day we die.I just need to be part of that group and feel a brotherhood with likeminded people.

My mother also seemed to get something from her meeting as well, we both came out in a positive frame of mind and could see the future as more positive and fulfilling. She has agreed (and wants to, not just feels she has to) to join me every week, which means a lot and helps keep that focus.

Sleep was better last night, but my mind is still racing at 100mph, when I wake up at 6.00 there is no chance of a snooze as so many things are wizzing through my mind. The wizzy things are a little more positive now, so at least thats a bonus, I don't expect to sleep well for some time to come, but again, one day at a time.

Not working today, going through all the paperwork and unopened letters to get debts collated and a plan in place. Its a bit daunting but needs to be done. The wife is being her usual wonderful self, very supportive and positive. I appreciate how lucky I am and that some others out there don't have the same support I do, so I am very thankful for that. Very.

Thats it for today, I could write for ever about how I feel and what my life is all about, but thats for another day maybe.

Well done Trottty on returning to GA. This forum is a nice gentle way to get support & understanding but is no substitute for real human contact. I have been attending GA for nearly 8 years now. I do 2 meetings a week. It keeps me sane it keeps me grounded it allows me to be who i have always been without addiction stealing my morality & blurring my vision of the bigger picture

Day 4

Yesterday was quite full on. My parents have helped me out with some of my bills which has lifted some of the burden from my shoulders, its a big help which is needed at this time. My confidence is building again, slowly, and I can feel a small change each day. I was so shattered last night that I was asleep at 8.00pm. Still managed to wake up at 5.30 though, could do with getting rid of the fluffy alarm clock, but I think the Cats Protection League may have something to say about it!

Also had a chat with my best mate, he's not surprised but is pleased I am seeking help. He will be a great help in the future so I am really please to have him on my side. The more weapons the better.

For today, I could just do with not talking at all about my problems, it is draining and a day without explaining myself will be nice. The wife has gone away for the weekend with her friends, which she really deserves, she needs a bit of relaxation and time to enjoy herself. I can't believe how madly positive she is, it is certainly rubbing off on me. I am lucky.

It then dawned on me, what about me, what about my urges? Well, yes, I have a weekend on my own looking after the lad. If i'm honest I am not worried about this weekend, with all thats gone off I really can't see me giving in this early. I still have thoughts about betting, I wouldn't call them urges though. When any football comes on the TV, my first thought is what would I bet on, first scorer, half time/full time etc.... that can quickly be batted away, but it still appears. Its dealing with the devil on my shoulder. Its much much easier knowing I have admitted my failings and have people around me that will help.

On Sat I have decided to take the lad to the Ice Hockey, which we have never been to , I have promised it in the past but its on a Sat afternoon, when I would normally be sat in the pub having a game of poker. He said something to his mum today which I could over hear and was quite sad. He was a little upset that mum was going away and she said he would have a good time with dad. He said something along the lines of that weekends are boring with dad. Well, thats going to knock you sideways isn't it? Thats all down to gambling, watching the racing, watching the football with coupon in hand and not interacting. Thats going to change from now on, i'm not saying i'm going to be a perfect dad, but I'll certainly be better. He has also just started doing cooking at school, so I am off to the supermarket in a bit to get some ingrediants to do some baking.

Well its now 4 days, there is money in my account so from now on its going to be a slightly different challenge to the last 3 days as I was skint for those. I am confident though, bills are getting paid and I have some targets, short term and long term.

Onwards and upwards

Day 5

Had a pretty pleasant day yesterday, no issues to report. The gambling thoughts are there, but they are a lot quieter and not as powerful. I caught myself singing in the van, which has not been known for a long time. In the gambling past, I used to sing a song to myself in my head, it was the Ugly Kid Joe song, 'I hate everything about you'. I used to replace the 'you' with 'me' Nothing like sticking the knife into yourself is there?

I have an appointment on Monday evening with a councellor in Sheffield, so another positive step. I'm up for any help I can get my hands on. I'll also be asking about the hypnotherapy option should it be available.

I have been reading some of the other diaries, especially the one from JOPSKI. Its a really sad read and makes me appreciate the support that I have around me. He has no job, his family have disowned him, he has suffered from violence and mental torture, and living just a heartbeat away from another bet. I've got it easy compared to him.

I've just booked in some work to take me upto the end of July (I'm a plumber and bathroom fitter), so I have the security of future work and funds behind me. The future is bright, I just need to stay strong and enjoy the benefits of my hard work.

thanks for posting on my diary, glad to read that you have work booked into the end of July, that is great news, I have recently and am for the next few weeks very quiet, have gone from keeping 3 sub contractors permantly in work ( 1 for over 10 year's) to not having enough for myself. As you know not easy being in business this time of year, difficult enough at anytime. Constantly chasing payments, dealing with VAT and customer's etc. I have this week been given the go ahead on an extension project that is 8-12 weeks work and am pricing alot of other work so things are on the up. (hopefully!)

Agree with needing a cash injection, but unfortunately have burned all my bridges over the last few year's, with family who have helped me out, have a bad credit rating due to a DMP. Even though I run a limited company they credit check your personal records so no bank funding available. Only option is to fold the company or continue trading and repaying the outstanding debts. At the moment I am trying to stick with it and pay what i can when its available even if its small amounts. At least the creditors can see that i am commited to paying off the debt.

Congrats on 5 days gamble free, can relate to the lack of sleep, i went through that for the first week. does get better though.

Onwards on upwards for us both, I will look in on your diary to see how you are doing on a regular basis.

Day 6

Yesterday was a good day. It had the potential to be a tough one, but I got through it. The wifes away, its a Saturday and the main gambling day of the week. Normally I would have football bets and go to the pub for a game of poker. I decided to keep myself busy, got on with some paperwork, e-mails etc..went shopping with the lad and then arranged some quality time with him. We decided to go to the Ice hockey, first time for him and only second time for me. He really enjoyed it and it was a very different Saturday. The only issue of the day was whether to buy a 50-50 ticket at the game. I've already decided on no gambling at all, so convinced myself that it was not going to happen, even though the prize was £2k!

I have won £1100 before on a 50-50 ticket, so it was tempting. The demons did not win on this occasion.

Watching the football results was interesting. All the thoughts were there, would I have backed that result, would I have won etc.. I do feel guilty for having these thoughts, but I reason that its not me having these thoughts, its something inside me that I have no control over at the moment. I have control over the decisions but not the thoughts.

Business is booming so I have a lot to look forward to, booked into even more work which takes me well into the summer, so I can see a point where I will be totally out of debt and enjoying the fruits of my labour. Looking forward to first foreign holiday in years.

Day 8

Just a quick update as I am off to the football soon.

Had 2 good days with positive thoughts and work as gone well. Had an appointment with a counsellor on Monday evening, so putting steps in place to further help myself. Can feel the benefits already with cashflow getting better and not worrying about the little things.

This may not be for everyone, but had a tattoo today (got a couple already) today on my forearm of the date of my last bet in roman numerals. Its for me as a reminder that I can always see. I'll look a bit of a t**t if it gets crossed out and a new date put in!

Anyways, all is well at the moment.

To infinity and beyond!

Day 12

Well, its Saturday again, got things to do all day, so shouldn't be a problem. The past 4 days have been positive and uneventful in the potential gambling realm.

I did have a tattoo the other day (i have a few already so no great deal) of the date of my last bet. Its on my forearm, so I can see it all the time, its a great reminder for me and actually gives me a little smile whenever I catch a glimse. Should I ever have a bet in the future, then what will I think of the tattoo? Its just another barrier i suppose.

Went to GA again on Weds, had a good meeting, its useful to meet up with likeminded people. I will probably update this diary on a twice weekly basis, unless something happens, which it won't of course!

Day 16

Nothing much to report other than positive news. 16 days without a bet and off to GA again tonight. I seriously don't mind going to GA this time around which i think makes a difference.

The tattoo has nicely healed and as yet i don't regret it.

Finances are slowly getting back in line so only good things to look forward to.

Day 70

Well, i've been told off for not updating my diary. So here goes.

I'm amazed that I am at day 70, it has gone quite fast if i'm honest. Its not been easy at all, on two fronts. The first been financial. Things have been really tight trying to get upto date with debts etc... I still have some debts but feel I am over the worst of it. I am fortunate that I have a good job, so once the gambling stopped, I can make major dents into them. I do appreciate that some people just dont have that luxury, so I do feel for people that have low paid jobs or no job and debts coming out of their ears. Keep at it, you will get there.

The gambling front. This has been rather interesting. I have decided to abstain from all gambling, totally, which takes the decision making and guilt out of it. Is it ok to have a go on the lottery once a week, can I gave a go on the bonus ball in the pub etc... All gambling is bad for the likes of us, so no responsibe gambling for me. The early weeks were tough in that I always had gambling thoughts, I didn't see them as gambling urges, more thoughts. I could handle the thoughts, so its been pretty much ok. The thing I cannot control are the dreams. I have regular dreams about betting. This is a little confusing when I wake up, because for a moment I have to decide whether it happened in reality. I also seem to feel guilty and stressed in my dreams, is that good for me? I don't know.

More recently, I find the gambling thoughts are fewer and fewer, I have certainly noticed this and feel quite good about myself. The main thing now is to guard against complacency, the future does still frighten me a bit, for now I am in a happy place, so all is good.

Much of my progress has been through will power and self control. I still have means and ways to gamble as its impossible to put 100% barriers up. I can see more positives from my new life and want that to contuinue, also, myself aside, I have a lot of people to think about and potentially let down. I can imagine how disappointed they would all be. Gamblers are selfish people by nature, so I need to learn to consider other people, its all obvious stuff, but after 45 years, you do have to work at it.

One of the most important things to me now (there are others of course) is my date, the date of my last bet, 20th Jan 2015. The tattoo on my left forearm is a constant reminder of that. Its a big positive and I don't want it crossing out and another date scratching in.

The other key thing in my recovery is Gamblers Anonymous. I have been every week to my local meeting and have not missed one, it is something I actually look forward to and don't mind going at all. I see it as my reset button, as the gambling voice chips away slowly through the week, GA is the button I can press to set my thoughts back to zero. Its very important to have this focus.

Day 78

Every week is a milestone at the moment, another debt paid off, another 7 days to add onto the counter, 7 days further away from the horrible feelings.

All is well at the moment, and long may it continue.

If i'm a good boy, I'll be getting my GA 90 days pen soon! A small but well earned reward for 3 months of a better life. I will be chuffed to bits to receive it. At one time only reasonable sized wins got me excited, now its a bl00dy pen!

Day 90

Well, tomorrow it is, but I may be a little busy .

A major milestone for me, 3 months without a bet, I have gone longer than this in the past, mainly because I was in prison, due to my gambling. I think the longest I have gone is about 7 months, 100 days in prison and then 3 months after till I had a small bet on the Grand National.

I feel really proud of myself and very positive. I have not felt like this for over 25 years. My life is changing for the good and I like it. I am on top of my financial debts and can already see the monetary benefits.

3 months ago I was emotionally drained, tired, irritable, in debt, couldn't focus on work, in tears in the van. And now? well non of these things apply at all. I still don't sleep too well, but thats just because I am a light sleeper, not because my brain is going over and over all the issues I have.

I would like to think I am a better person for it as well, more considerate. At work I am more focused, enjoy it more and don't worry about how I am going to afford materials etc...Other han my own wellbeing, I have seen a change in those around me, my wife, son and parents. They all seem more positive, they all share my desire to be gamble free. Its clear that in the past, my wellbeing (or lack of it) had a direct impact on all those close to me. There are so many positives to my recovery, I am so grateful.

So how have I achieved this?

1. Telling those around me, coming clean with all.

2. Seeking help, sharing my problems.

3. Putting barriers in place, like gamblock, handing over financial dealing to wife etc..

4. Attending GA every week.

5. Working hard at my recovery, putting effort in when times are tough.

6. Being proud and defensive of my date, the last bet date. Its as important as my birthday.

7. Forgiving myself for the past. Sounds easy but it isn't.

My next notable milestone will be 200 days, as this will mark the longest time I have ever gone without a bet since 1985. I am sure it will fly by if I keep up the good work.