Well here it goes again.
If youve read my previous diary you will already mnow my story. Today i am feeling really s**t, the past few months were going really ell, startdd getting back on track with bills, debt management plan jn place and all the bills paid and dven treated my daughter a few times. Id been feeling strong and everything was going well. Id managed to have my card meaning access to money anytime and for amonth znd z half didnt even cconsider gambling.But the start of this month just everything started going wrong. I have been quite ill recently and found out i can no longer eat gluten which has been a struggle. A masive lifestyle adjustment to say the least. Work has been awful and had me in tears on friday and could easily of quit but obviously not an option. Wages were short by a few hundrdd from being off sick which added more stress. Car was due for mot so speng 350 on repairs to get it through as with no car i cant get to work which means more money lost. Car failed mot and had to spend another 400 on car to get it to pass leaving me 100 pound left for month. for some unbenown reason my brother got really funny with me about the car repair costs and hasnt spoken to me for a week. So last night everything got too much and i gambled what little money i had left. By comparison to other times its a drop in the ocean and for once all my bills are paid before i gambled all my money away. Just feeling so fed up for letting myself and my family down again. I need to find a different way of dealing with the stress then turning to stupid gambling. I hate it yet i still go back for more, if only all my intelligence counted for something where gambling is concerned. My mum hasn't spoken to me for 4 months now thought once shed calmed down she would speak to me but don't think that will happen now. I feel so alone and people not speaking to me only makes it worse, i pretend I don't care but deep down it just makes things so much worse. I need to stop thinking that seeing as noones talking to me that it doesnt really matter if i do or dont as theyre not talking to me anyway. Just wish i had someone to talk to instead of pretending im happyy and everythings fine to everyone else around m.
Hi I know everything can seem to happen all at once. Hope things sort themselves out. Your mum will always be your mum and am sure you will make up eventually. You sound like you were getting things back on track an don't let that one slip get you down. Sometimes life does just seem to throw things at us and most of us on here seem to find when under stress we turn to gambling. Don't let it draw you back in an seems you have been coping with a lot but stayed strong. I am new on here so to be honest every day is a battle of fighting urges but can see you are a strong person so take care and don't forget to love yourself and throw that one slip to the back of your mind. Take care Mary
It is good that you are making the connection between stress and using gambling as a release. You do sound very hard on yourself. If you don't mind me asking, are you a bit 'all or nothing' in your approach to things? It is ok to be fallible and, from what you say, that was a very positive 'slip' as you didn't max out credit cards or get a pay-day loan - but stopped. That is amazing! Seriously. It might feel bad just now, but the bigger picture is that you have made significant progress from what I see. I do hope you can see that too.
take care
Thankyou for the comments both. Yes bluebella i am a kind of all or nothing person. I actually laughed resding that as i so often use that phrase. I have always thrown myself into things since a young teemn, educatiin (7 years studying), work where i have managed to work my way up to a manager in an industry most people generally dont achieve until st least 10 years or so older and finally the one destructive path of gambling. After reading both posts i fel abit better and it is a blip which i will pick my self up from and use it to make sure i avoid it next time. I yhink ghe real problem for me is that often i feel quite lonely and then turn to gambling to feel comfort only to then feel ten times worse. I just wish i had someone to turn to when feeling abit down. Bluebella if you were to read my earlier posts youd see my mum was an alcoholic when i was growing up and for that reason i have never been interested in drinking, my dad a prolific hoarder so i hate clutter and bro a compulsive spender. I guess we have all found an addiction to fill in a gap for our messed up child hood in my family. I read an article earlier which was quite interesting about often woman who gamble often choose this ovrr drinking, drugs and those types of addictions as we still feel we are in control and when we stop there are no obvious signs unlike other addictions. In my case i actually think this is partly true. I am trying not to be too hard on myself over this as by comparison to previous times it is not anywhere as bad. I have taken on a second job which i started Friday so this should keep me busy once ive finished my first job and also will bring in more money which will relieved some pressure. I just have to remind myself when I get the temptation that for every time I gamble i have to work bloody hard to replace that money. Weeks or even months of hard work. my goal is if i don't gamble i will bd able to save enough for a two week holiday for me and my daughter in September which i need to stay focused on. Think i will be so tired that when i feel any urge i will go to sleep for an hour until it passes as i definitely don't get enough sleep anyway. Costs nothing and il feel much better.
Anon
Addiction will quietly sit and wait in the recess of our minds until it see's an opportunity to welcome you back with open arms.
It will use good times as well as bad to tempt you back into its arms, whispering sweet nothings about how the world doesn't care, that it will provide answers to your financial woes.
The truth is addiction will solve nothing, it will add to those woes.
My advice is simple
Please seek help for those deep rooted issues, don't be ashamed of your past,there are folk that will help you to work through them, to release the hold they have upon your life.
If not addiction will continue to feed off them
Lowering your belief that you are worthy.
I believe that in recovery when folk gamble it is a cry for help
Please take it
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
So true Duncs as I had a brilliant childhood so not sure what why I started! Anon just keep thinking about the holiday. I remember when I was under treatment I was told to imagine I was lying on a beach with a cocktail in one hand and the sounds of rippling waves. Mary
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